Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Well, Don't Quote Me On This...

Hello Blogosphere!

It's been a while. I've been around, but my sex life has not. For those of you (presumably anyone but the coauthors of this blog) who don't know, my relationship is current long distance because the other half of it is in another city finishing school. I don't know how I got into this situation either, but I guess we really like each other, (I'm just kidding, we love each other madly, etc, etc). Anyway, he's back in town as of earlier today but because of my work schedule (retail Christmas = late nights, BUZZ. YOUR LIFE. WOOF!) and his holiday family obligations we weren't sure if we'd see each other until later in the week. Today I managed to switch tomorrow's shift into ending a little earlier, and so I strongly suggested that we see each other tomorrow night in a way that I feel the internets should read,

Boy: Okay, I'm exhausted so I think I'm gonna crash right away... I'll see you soon :)
Me: alright, sleep well
Me: OH, so, p.s. if you don't find anything better (: P) to do tomorrow night, i am now off work at 10 because I am awesome. Soooo... you know
Me: goodnight!
Me: (and if you do to manage to have something better to do, I'm just warning you that Wednesday I will be a poor conversationalist because I won't be able to hear anything over the sound of my vagina screaming that we've been in the same city for 48 hours and I haven't seen you yet)
Boy: hahahaha ewwww
Boy: ewwwwwwwww jesus
Boy: screaming vagina
Me: Yeah whatever, don't even try to pretend that's not the greatest thing a girl has ever said to you.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Asking a boy out IN REAL LIFE

As someone who has no problem asking someone out via text or email, I have a super hard time asking someone out in person. IN REAL LIFE.

After a sex free period of 2.5 months, due to seeing a man with morals and also being in a general funk, I have found myself getting back to my slutty ways.

This Saturday I have a date with a latin man I am hoping to ravish, on Monday I have plans for beer and fooseball with some other dude, and then on Tuesday I am going for coffee with a highschool teacher.

I am excited for these outings and am glad to be getting out there again and meeting new people but these guys are not the ones I am REALLY excited for....

I work in a store that sells cool gift stuff and although most of the customers are women, we do have a few men come in from time to time. Lately there has been one male customer who has really stood out to me.

I don't know his name, but everytime he comes in I make sure to help him and we spend a lot of time chatting and there is some flirting. The last time he was in I was really awkward and flustered because I realized I had a crush on him and I really wanted to do something about it. I resolved that the next time he was in I would ask him out.

Cut to yesterday.

He walked in the store and we locked eyes right away and I couldn;t help myself from grinning really happily at him and I got a really big smile in return! We chatted a bit and he showed me pictures from a recent trip to Asia. We flirted and I tried to be cool and not get flustered like last time.

I knew I had to be proactive. I was going to do it. I was going to ask him out. Fuck, I was nervous.

I was alone behind the counter for a minute, getting his items ready to bag. He was walking towards the counter. I realized other people were walking towards the counter too! If I asked him out there would be an audience!


I quickly grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled down a note with my name and number and taped it to the largest item in his bag.

It felt like chickening out and I regretted it as soon as he walked out. I considered following him outside but I had already felt kind of resigned.

Because it's Christmas and the things he bought were gifts he probably won't look in the bag until December 24th and I am worried that he might feel like it's too late or something....


Now I play the waiting game. Maybe I will get laid by the latin man in the meantime.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Cold and Lonely Winter Ahead...

Since the summer my sex life/romantic situation has slowed down SIGNIFICANTLY.

All summer I rarely went a week without getting laid at least once, and now it's been over a month and as much as I want sex I don't feel that push to find it.

Maybe it's because there is snow on the ground and the idea of running around and going on dates seems like too much work. OR maybe it's because the person I really want to have sex with is not in the same city as me.

Hot Air Balloon guy was someone I tried to write off at the start. But now he is the guy I want to see. Just over a month ago he moved back home for the winter and I miss him terribly.

At least, I think I do.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how well we get along but I am also afraid that I am only wanting him because he isn't available to me.

What if I lose interest as soon as I see him again?

I guess that's something I won't know until he comes back.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Sex Eyes

Last week Zaza excitedly told me about a trick a mutual friend shared with her:


Now, this is something I have been using for a while without really realizing it is a trick. I just happen to be a complete horndog.

How to do Sexy Eyes:

- Spot an attractive person

-Tilt your head down JUST A TOUCH

- Lock eyes with them

- Imagine sexy things such as: You fucking them, them masturbating to you, you masturbating to them, them naked, etc.

- Throw in a lip bite

- These thoughts create a sultry facial expression

- The person won't know what hit them but won't be able to look away!

I constantly walk around imagining having sex with just about every man that crosses my path. I even have a problem where when I walk into a room I imagine that everyone senses I'm there and is immediately drawn to me sexually. Like my vagina has a magnet or something and it gives me immense sexual appeal. So I've been giving this look for months without realizing the power behind it.

I am going to work on honing it and turning myself into a Sex Eyes monster.

The day after Zaza told me about Sex Eyes I practiced at work. I combined it with the personal-space-assulting Shoulder/Arm Touch - when talking to a male customer I place my hand on their shoulder blade or arm and do a little rub when saying hello or goodbye. I was a hit!

My male customers bought way more! It was working! And very few of them were noticeably uncomfortable!

One customer, that I didn't have the opportunity to touch, stood out though.

I was helping some bitchy old ladies and a sweet looking young man passed by behind them. I immediately locked eyes and did the Sex Eyes at him. He blushed like crazy, which made me giggle, which in turn made him giggle! HE WAS MINE! He walked passed me a couple more times, and it felt like he was loitering a bit. I was so ready to go up and ask him out but the horrible old broads I was helping took FOREVER! Eventually he left and my heart left with him.

I recovered quickly from my loss because I realized I held immense power with the Sex Eyes and there would be MANY more opportunities.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Let's talk about danks

If I had a dollar for every boy who ever asked me to tell him what I really thought of his penis...

Ladies, I have discovered THE PERFECT THING TO SAY.

you don't want to lie to them and tell them they have the biggest dick you've ever seen (unless it is!)

and Jesus, please do not say "Oh it's just right!" (even if it is!)

Let's talk about the V/M ratio

The vagina/mouth ratio

The Perfect Penis makes your vag feel good, but also fits in your mouth

"Why should  the Perfect Penis fit in my mouth?" you ask? Seriously, if you're asking, stop reading this blog now, Prude.

So ladies, next time a dude asks you what you think of his dick

(I mean, provided you want to make him feel good about his junk)

Mention the V/M ratio. Tell him that its great because it makes your cootch feel good, and allows you to give great head too.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Friday, November 4, 2011

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Getting to Know Muffy aka TMI: Music To Grind My Hips To

I think everyone has at least one sexy song. When your song comes on all you want to do is grind up on someone. This could be a song, or album I suppose, that you tend to play during sex, or maybe it's something you save for your personal time (masturbating). Either way, it makes you feel like you are oozing sex appeal.

Your song starts to play and your ears perk up. At first your back stiffens because maybe you're at the music store, work, or the mall. Then once you realize people aren't staring at you because they know what this song means to you, you are able to relax into it. Maybe you start discreetly grooving your hips. Perhaps your walking a little differently now. Uh-oh, now the shoulders are starting to do their thing.

Before you know it, you are fully embracing your song IN PUBLIC! But you know what? It's awesome. You're not being vulgar or raunchy. You're just owning it and anyone who is looking at you now is probably admiring you because I bet you have a super great smile on your face.

These are my sexy songs.

The Dead Weather - 60 Feet Tall

Handsome Boy Modeling School - I've Been Thinking

Roxy Music - In Every Dream Home a Heartache

Mr. Little Jeans - Suburbs (Arcade Fire cover)

Iggy Pop - I Wanna Be Your Dog

Dan Auerbach - The Prowl

Summer Camp - I Want You

Friday, October 28, 2011

Old Guy 2.0: Awesome date leads to confusion and an awkward exit...

Since my last post I have ended things with Hot Air Balloon Guy and continued hanging out with Old Guy 2.0.

The other night 2.0 and I had a nice date (I'm actually not sure if what we are doing is going on dates, but last night felt datey until it suddenly didn't...). We went for dinner, on his dime, to Restaurant Dubrovnik because he had some sort of a deal there. As you can see by a quick glance at their website, it's a pretty snazzy place and certainly one of the higher priced restaurants in the city.

We were the only people there and had a really fun time acting snobby. We shared our meals and after our plates were cleared he mentioned that he had considered jokingly proposing marriage to me. He had even gone as far as to try and find a small box for a fake ring.

Our next activity was a concert. We decided to sit in some seats on the small balcony and chose some in a cozy corner close to the stage.

I sat with my legs crossed towards him so that my dress hiked up. I was leaning on him and made sure there was lots of physical contact. I even touched his thigh while excitedly making a point about something! There was way more flirting this time, and sex jokes like crazy.

I asked him if he dances and he said no. Then he got up out of his seat and showed me why. He did the most ridiculous dances for me including The Drunken Dad At A Social which had some amazing leg twitching and The Firehose which had some very intense gyrating near my face.

The first band was meh so we leaned in close and made fun of them. The second band was much better and we both shimmied in our seats quite a bit.

Things got kind of weird when we were chatting between the second and third bands...

He asked me what my "type" is and I told him I didn't really have one, which is true, my taste in men is all over the place. He said he didn't really have a type either. Then we proceeded to pick out people from the audience below that we thought were attractive. He only picked out one girl, and she looked a lot like me, which was comforting I guess? Then I picked out one guy and he agreed that the guy was attractive. Then he continued to pick out more guys...

I asked if he had been with a guy and he said yes and I think I may have just shrugged in response. This news honestly did not bother me at all, and I wasn't actually surprised by it. Then we spent the rest of the intermission criticizing the audience's clothing choices.

The car ride home was quieter than usual. All the flirtyness was gone. He wasn't as animated as before and we didn't talk much, although he did sing a little. When we pulled up to my place the goodbye was boring and I was uncomfortable.

This morning we went to Comic Con together. He won tickets and I had always been curious.

It pretty much lived up to my standards and we had a blast listening to the nerd conversations.

While admiring costumes some talk of fetish came up. Nothing scary or crazy, but I can tell we would have fun if we ever sleep together.

It is seriously driving me bonkers that we havent fucked yet. It is all I think about.

I have plans with the Original Old Guy on Wednesday. He is coming over for a romp and has promised to leave me "convulsing in a pool of human fluids" which is something I am looking forward to.

I am also emailing with a 48 year old. My new goal is to have sex with a man twice my age. I am hoping this will tide me over for a while and take my mind off things with 2.0.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Tug at my Heart Strings

NOTE: it must be sunday morning, because there seems to be a lot of activity going on at WWBWTBA...

The Stallion and I only get to see each other about twice a week with my ridiculous schedule so when we get together we make it count, going on dates for dinner and drinks and then get our kicks.

Thursday night we went out for dinner and sat at a huge table with a rounded banquette that was meant for six, we cuddled up in the corner and drank huge drinks and flirted under the table. We go back to my apartment with a bottle of wine and I tell him that I have my period, giving him the choice of what he wants to do with that. Obviously we still want to do something so we problem solve; I give him a blow job and he cums all over my chest. This gave me a rash between my boobs, which was not attractive by any means, another solution was needed.* We go do it in the shower, which is also kind of awkward, but at least we can make that work, even though I look like a drowned rat after we get out.

Somewhat disappointed by thursday night, I am really excited to see him again on saturday, we were going to go dancing and he was going to meet Zima, who is in town visiting her boyfriend (and me...). He meets me at work with his guitar in hand and we decide to get some take out and head over to my place. We get pick up a pizza, some booze and set ourselves up at my place to pre-game. Zima calls to let me know she is not feeling so great and can't come out. So this basically means we get to spend the entire night together, alone. Once I get off the phone the make out sesh beings right away and we have some of the most amazing sex to date.

Afterwards we always lay around half naked rolling around in bed and talking. This time he pulled out his guitar and played me sad, swoony Adele songs. He sang, and I sang along with him. He sang me songs he had written and we did a little free styling. I watched and laid on the bed in my underwear and he kept on playing until his fingers blistered.

It was wonderful and romantic and I got that "I am such a lucky girl" feeling. Then I tried to get him to stay the night, but I can't get him to do it. I want to wake up and have morning sex and go out for breakfast and drink orange juice together, god damn it! I know he is into me, but our commitment level is at a bit of a stand still, we haven't met each other's friends, we're not officially girlfriend/boyfriend, and I am concerned that this might start becoming a purely sexual relationship if we don't commit somewhat. Trust me, I like sex, but I also like him!

Tomorrow it will have been one month since our first date, and I am not trying to push anything on anyone, but a girl's got to know what to expect! I am always preaching to my friends to be content with what they've got and to simply enjoy it. So I think I am going to try and follow my own advice and bask in what I've got going on right here, right now.

*Apparently if you wash it off with soap and water right away rashes can be avoided.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Crashing the Balloon...

Not too long ago I went on a few dates with Hot Air Balloon Guy and things seemed to be going well and the sex was awesome and he was sweet and I liked him even though I had some reservations due to his looks. (He was not ugly, but he was hefty. I'm a curvy gal, but he was a BIG man, and as superficial as it sounds I did not find myself very physically attracted to him.)

After a nice night together he left for three weeks to work out of province. While he was gone we texted and skyped a bit and expressed interest in seeing each other again when he got back to town.

His first night back he picked me up and we went for dinner. As we were walking up to the restaurant we ran into some close friends of mine and I actually found myself embarrassed to be seen with him. This is obviously a bad sign.

After dinner we went to his place and had sex and it was nice and then I went home.

The following night he came to my place and after having a round of sex we were cuddling and chatting and then he got really quiet. I looked at him and I could tell he wanted to say something and I finally got him to speak. He sad "Can...can I call you my girlfriend?"

I was kind of taken back by this. We didn't really know each other and it was an awkward time for him to ask because his face was an inch from mine and we were all naked and pressed up against one another.

I kind of ducked giving a real answer and said "Only if you call me your guuurrrrrrrrlfriend." and I threw in a very ghetto head-bob thing for effect. He took this as "Yes! But of course!"

After a bit more sex and the greatest orgasm I've had in ages he said "There is nothing better than laying in bed after making love to your girlfriend."



I barfed internally. I. It was terrifying.

I do not "make love". I fuck.

Who makes love these days anyway?! It makes me think of the 80's for some reason....

And he kept kissing my forehead in this super sweet way and I was not feeling very okay with this.

He also approached the subject of changing our facebooks to "in a relationship" and I made a joke about how it should be "it's complicated" instead...it was awkward.

A couple of days later he came over again and we fucked (because that's what I do with my vagina) and it was still good sex and I just tried not to think about the other night with the love making crap.

The next morning he had to leave because during the winter he actually lives a 24 hour drive away from me. I knew this but it didn't really dawn on me until then that I had signed up for a long distance relationship.

What the hell is wrong with me? I am usually pretty good at speaking up and not getting stuck in uncomfortable shit like this!

So now it's been under a week of being his guurrrrlfriend and I need out because this is not what I want.

Also, there is someone else? Maybe....

Hot Air Balloon Guy left on Tuesday morning. On Wednesday evening I had a date with a 40 year old, Old Guy 2.0.

I had been emailing this guy for weeks. Probably since I had first been emailing with Hot Air Balloon Guy! Like, a seriously long time. And we finally decided to hang out.

He picked me up and when I got into his car the conversation flowed so easily. He is hilarious. And cute! And he ALWAYS opens the car door for me. He took me to his favorite Vietnamese restaurant and then we went to see a folk band. We were a bit early for the show so we sat in his car and hung out and chatted for a bit.

After the show he drove me home and made sure I got safely in my apartment before driving off.

The next day I had an email from him first thing in the morning saying that he had a blast and hoped I did too. A bit later in the afternoon he texted me and apologized for being creepy but wanted to know if I was free that evening because he had won tickets to see a band play that night.

I had a movie date that night with a gal pal and he was also going to see a movie with a friend so we arranged that I would text him when mine started and he would time it so that he would be at the theater I was at right when my movie ended to pick me up.

When my movie was done he was waiting in the lobby for me. It was cute! He said he thought it would be nice but then once he got there he realized it might come across as super creepy but I assured him it wasn't.

Three bands were playing and in between each we had lots of time to sit down and chat. I asked him about his romantic history and he told me he was divorced (which I find is a turn-on some how?) and that during the last five years of his marriage it was an open relationship and he had a serious girlfriend of three years during that period. He also told me about a few other girls but there didn't seem to be anyone too recently.

He asked about my history and I was vague but told him I dated fairly actively over the summer. This seemed to satisfy him and then we discussed beards at length.

The next day he asked if I was free to see a band with him tonight. Unfortunately I had plans but I'm sure I will see him in a couple of days.

I really do look forward to seeing him again but I need to deal with the Hot Air Balloon situation first before I get too deep with this new guy.

I am starting to realize that I may not be ready to be a one man kind of woman.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

First Step on the Slope: The Brothel

This story is essentially my first night hanging out with a (now) good friend and the first step on a slippery slope into months of increasingly absurd, outlandish and bizarre adventures in Asia. After this night, I knew my entire trip was going to be ridiculous, but also the time of my life. Here is how it all began.

Four friends and I went from HK to Macau for a weekend, mostly to play poker and party. For those of you who don’t know, Macau is like the Las Vegas of Asia.  After playing poker on Saturday night, we went to the bar. Then another bar. After the bars, we stayed overnight at a spa (spas in Macau have areas for sleeping so staying the night at a spa is not uncommon or weird like it would be back home). More specifically, we went to the spa at the Waldo hotel and casino. Except some spas in Macau are a little different, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, I mean that this spa is also a brothel.

Upon arriving at the spa/brothel, the first thing that you do is order what want off of the menu. In case you were wondering, yes, they have a real, physical menu. And yes, it is hilarious. I wanted to snap a photo of it but for obvious reasons, you’re not allowed to take photos in this place. Menu items range from the basic spa package to different massage options to various options involving one or more girls. The menu is pretty explicit, even listing additional prices for “special” things like accessories, costumes, sex toys, etc. This was going to be awesome.

I went with the basic spa package – a bed, the sauna, pools, hot tubs, food, etc. Another friend of mine got this package. Two friends got this plus a regular massage. As for #5, he had been talking a big game about getting a girl but is the sort of guy who always talks a big game and then never, ever follows through. Because of this, the rest of us had sort of agreed that we weren’t going to let him back out of his big talk again. He was going to fuck a hooker. And he was going to do it without us coming across as pressuring him into it. For some reason that probably made sense at the time but I can’t remember why, we called this Operation Desert Storm.

After ordering, they usher you into a changing room where you proceed to get naked and change into a towel right in front of the girls who work there. Just to be clear, these girls are spa employees, not "working girls". For a few seconds you question it but then they just tell you to change and wait for you to do it. And they look at you like an idiot when you don't get naked. Plus they're all hot because unlike back home where discrimination based on looks isn’t really allowed, they absolutely discriminate based on looks here. So you figure "why not? When in Rome, right?" and proceed to get naked while the spa hotties stand two feet away from you the whole time.

After the weird changing room situation, I used the sauna. Standard stuff. Then I went into the pool/bath. As all of our clothes were in a locker and all we had at this point was slippers and a towel, you basically you just go in there naked.  The employees, meanwhile, are just hanging around and seem so used to this that they are not fazed.  It was kind of like if you and four friends went skinny dipping at the local pool in broad daylight while the lifeguards watched the show.

After a while of sauna/baths I made my way into the shower. The showers aren’t closed off; they’re just behind a wall or around a corner with no door, sort of like airport bathrooms. Because of this, while you're in the shower, girls come in to try to pick up a client by flirting with you and touching you a little. For a second I thought it was because of how awesome and good looking I was and got a little boost of confidence. Then I remembered where I was and realized it was not because of my charm. But hey, I don’t even know this girl’s name yet and already we’re at 3rd base. Not too shabby.

After the shower I changed into shorts and a robe. The employees insisted on helping me do it as if I can’t tie shorts or put on a bathrobe. I was still naked but like I said, they INSIST on helping do these things. On one hand I kind of liked it, but I also kind of hated it because it makes you feel useless. At one point the girl’s hand/arm grazed my dick. I don’t know what protocol is in situations like this.  I acted like I didn’t feel it or it was no big deal. She either acted like nothing happened or is so used to this that she didn't care. This wasn't awkward at all.

Following the spa activities, we made our way into the next room to help our friend pick a girl. For some reason, I was expecting a massive orgy, something along the lines of “Eyes Wide Shut” but without the creepy costumes. Instead, it was more of a lounge seating area, where you can pick a girl, order food, get back and foot massages, watch tv, etc. We ordered food and more beer. Periodically, hot Asian girls would come by, usually one or two at a time and wearing incredibly skimpy outfits, to come take a guy away. I wasn't really into hookers in the beginning and for the most part, these girls didn't change my mind. Howeverthere was one girl who had me doubting my non-purchase decision. When I walked into the place there was a 99% chance I wasn't getting a girl and this one girl made it more like a 70-30 split. She was THAT hot.  Even now, I’m slightly disappointed that I didn’t do it. Some fat Chinese dude could have picked her but instead picked a different girl, who was still hot in a traditionally Asian kind of way but not even in the same league as this girl. What a moron.

After hanging out for a while we asked to see some girls for our friend.  While waiting for the girls, we had a detailed discussion on how to pick a prostitute. I have since learned the “art” of picking the right girl (a different story for a different time), but at the time none of us had any idea. Do you go based on looks alone? Based on the interest they show in you (with the reasoning behind this being that she’ll give you a better fuck since she’s actually into you)? Does personality matter? Do you go for a better face or better body? Someone likened it to choosing a horse to bet on. Who knew choosing a hooker could be so complicated?

For whatever reason – probably because it was 6am and even hookers need to sleep – it took an eternity for a girl to show up. My friends who had ordered massages had to go for their massages. What a disappointment for them. After what seemed like forever, a girl came out. Friend #5 was clearly disappointed with just one. We were all kind of expecting a stable of whores to come out and for him to be able to compare several at a time before choosing the girl he liked best. Apparently this actually happens if you come at a more reasonable time, but since we didn't even get there until at least 4:00 am most of the girls weren't around. #5 sent her back and asked to see more girls. After waiting another eternity, a girl came out to walk her previous client back to his chair and kissed the guy goodbye.  Friend #5 perked up a bit and said he wanted that one. He chose the girl from before who I thought the fat guy was crazy to choose.

Now, this selection shocked me for a couple of reasons.

1.     While she was clearly hot (and had great tits, I might add), she was not as hot as some other girls there. However, I know that this guy likes the really Asian-looking girls, so I shrugged this off as a “to each his own” sort of thing.
2.     More importantly, she had returned from JUST fucking this other guy. I mean, if your options are severely limited I could see maybe picking the sloppy seconds girl, but when you have your choice of a few girls why would anyone pick that one?  She's damaged goods.  If this was a clothing store, would you buy a pair of jeans that you just watched a fat dude pound, tear up, throw on the floor, cum on, then return to the store (I’m just spit-balling here)?  Of course not.  You'd buy a different pair of jeans.  Even though you know somebody probably tried that pair on at some point and may have stretched them or thrown them around, it's out of sight and out of mind.  I couldn't (and still can't) wrap my head around this decision. She wouldn't have been my top choice even before fucking that other dude and she DEFINITELY wasn't my first choice afterwards.

In general, I think the whole sloppy seconds thing is stupid provided that there is a period of time in between.  Hooking up with a girl who someone else hooked up with a few weeks or months ago is not a big deal. Guys might joke about it and I can’t speak for all of us, but at least for me it isn’t important. However, when it is a true sloppy seconds, things are a bit different.  I mean…she JUST fucked another guy.  Minutes ago! Gross.

I tried to steer him in the right direction with not-so-subtle questions like "you sure you want that one? She was just with that dude" but after he said yes a couple of times I stopped questioning it. Whatever. It’s his choice, not mine. The manager told the girl, even the girl seemed surprised he picked her, and then the two of them disappeared into what I imagine to be some sort of sex lair.

The next morning (well…2 pm) I got up groggy and slightly hung over. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and got a nice surprise when a hot Asian girl fondled me in the shower.  You know, just another regular morning.  After going with the flow for a minute or two in my barely conscious state, I remembered that I was at a brothel in Macau and that this was a hooker, not an awesome dream. What a rude awakening.  I dismissed her.  Now I had nobody to fondle me but myself.  Shame.  After debriefing with the others, it turns out that the regular massage at this place is not a regular massage. The happy ending massage is so standard that they just call it a regular massage on the menu and don't even ask you or anything. At one point they just reach for your dick and jerk you off like it's no big deal. Both of my friends seemed pleasantly surprised by this.  As for me, I kind of wish that I had gotten a massage.  Oh well.  Next time, right?

Around 2:30, we dispatched one of the spa hotties to wake our friend up so that we could a) leave; and b) go over how his night went. I don't remember all of the details, but the gist of it was that he had a great time. At one point there was a butt plug involved and apparently blowjobs involving ice cubes are the shit. I’ll have to try that out at some point. His only complaint was that supposedly they start timing 60 minutes from the time you pick the girl so it includes whatever flirting you do, walking to the room, etc. Still, he seemed quite satisfied overall with his purchase.

In case you were wondering, my friend paid around $250 (including the spa stuff as well as the girl) for his "cultural experience".

If you’re in Macau any time soon, I definitely recommend staying at this place for just one night. Even without getting a girl the experience is pretty unique and unlike anything else I have ever encountered.  Get some friends together, have some drinks, and experience the craziness that words just can't do justice.

Friday, October 14, 2011


For the last couple of weeks I have been seeing my Italian Stallion. Everything has been going really well, right after the first night we 'got together' we had to spend the week apart. My parents were visiting and we were both going out of town for Thanksgiving. It was slightly torturous; it had been a long time since I had felt this way about a guy I hooked up with so I was slightly torn like a sad puppy dog. We missed each other and sent messages, making up pretend dinners together and talking about jersey shore.

The first morning after he got back we were supposed to meet for breakfast. I guess we were really anxious and we wanted to see each other as soon as possible. However breakfast didn't work out and I was a little disappointed, and by a little I mean I told every single girl in my program that I was supposed to be eating bacon with a boy and since it wasn't happening they were more than welcome to pity me.

Although breakfast didn't work out, dinner did. And after dinner he walked me to my evening class, and because he missed me so much he decided to wait around until it was done to see me some more. He waited around for three full hours just so that I could go to class and then we could hang out for a drink. Do you know how much learning I did in that class? A whole lotta none. All I could think about was how I didn't shave my legs... I figured I was safe for a brunch date, apparently not. I had to run back to my apartment and do the world's fastest shave so that I looked presentable when I finally got naked after drinks.

We had amazing sex.

Three times.

And now we are officially dating.

And do you know how I got to where I am now ladies? I wished for it. Thats right, every 11:11 I saw I wished for some man to be just around the corner in my life. I wished for a boyfriend on my birthday cake candles. Yes, I am 23 years old, but I still believe in wishes, and a boyfriend is pretty much the only thing I can't buy (other than a pony). And although many of you might not be up for thinking that wishes come true, I am a mother fucking princess so my life is a fairy tale where everything comes true. I mean... I think that by wishing for it I was open to new opportunities and I know thats what was stopping me before. You're never going to meet mr. right, or even mr. right-now if you can't throw yourself out there into the game ladies! No one is going to give you what you want, so you got to go out and get it yourself.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Second/Fourth Date

After my lovely night spent with my Italian Stallion I was kind of like a giddy school girl. How on earth could that have gone so well, especially after he was so late, it turned out, that when he turned up he turned up the heat.

That night we had made plans to see each other again on Friday, a good six days after out first meeting. However, monday night rolls around, he texts me saying he is downtown and if I would like to go for coffee. I am in my school's computer lab, which is hot and smells like a gym sock. I'd been at school all day after a late night and I looked like a soccer mom. No, I did not want to go for coffee. But really, I really really wanted to go for coffee. I also didn't want to be a jerk and turn him down. But I looked like crap. I hummed and hawed over this for a while. So after initially telling him that I needed to do work, I decided that we should in fact meet up. I go to the bathroom, make the most decent attempt at making myself look presentable and then waltz on over to the Starbucks where he was waiting for me.

He approached me, I was going to give him a hug, but something happened and I kissed him? I think "oh my god, I don't even know this guy, I show up and kiss him in public, it's like we are dating already, whatthefuckamidoing?" Awkward.

We have coffee. You know what coffee is like. You talk, you drink, you talk. The end.

I wasn't sure what to think. I mean, the conversation flowed, but what was it that was really going on between us? Was there something, or was I just really horny? He walked me home after we get kicked out of the coffee shop and he kisses me goodnight in front of my apartment building.

Two days go by and I don't hear from him.

Thursday rolls around and Stallion is at my school for a career fair. Thankfully I knew this was coming before hand and I dressed my age so that if we got to meet up I wouldn't look like I had popped out a few children. We go for drinks. And we talk.  Three hours pass. We finish up, he walks me home and he kisses me goodnight in front of my apartment. There is beginning to be a theme here I think.

Friday finally comes. I am so giddy. I know I am getting laid, because really, what guy would invest that much time in a girl unless they knew they were going to get something out of it (other than great conversation of course). Its raining, and its ruining my hair. It's cold, which is making my freshly shaved legs all prickly. Why is mother nature ruining this for me!? Nevertheless, he picks me up from work in his beamer, I don't kiss him when I get into the car. Car kisses are the most awkward things and I hate leaning over and I don't know what to do.

We go to a nice pub that has dark corners and lots of fire places. I am starving so I order muscles which I down in a millisecond. Super classy. We eat, we drink, we do shots, and obviously we talk. I accidentally tell him my entire dating history (even though I have a strict rule not to talk about exs). After a while I think he gets tired of talking and suggests we go to my place. We had already made plans to play truth or dare, so we start with that. At this age truth is way more interesting, so we do a lot of that, but really thats just a lot more talking. He asks me to dare him, and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything good! I am so lame. I could have gotten him to take off his shirt or something, but then if we kept on talking he is just sitting on my couch without a shirt on... Then I let him dare me; "I dare you to kiss me" he says.

I melted.

Yes, I am a 14 year old girl. Yes, I live in a really cheesy movie. Yes, you can be jealous of how amazing that is.

Obviously it's all fun from there. He asks me if I want to go to bed with him, I say yes, and he takes my hand and he leads me there.

Obviously it's super romantic with his pillowy lips and everything.

After the first time we do it he goes to the bathroom, I put on his white and blue striped dress shirt and wait for him to come back. Of course this aways gets them going. We laze around for a bit before he takes it off again. After the second time he claims that I can be his little side project while I am at school. I give him a questioning look, "yeah, what are you doing for the next two years?"

Melt x2.

The we dork it out and he shows me his AutoCAD app for his iPhone.

He stays into the early morning, but it's late and my father was coming on a 6am flight. This was going to be the last time I saw him for a good week and a bit until after thanksgiving. Bah, now all I can think of is how disgustingly cute he is and what I did to please the Internet Gods.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Problems With Having Zero Self Control

I always knew I had zero self control.

I never have to re-cork a bottle of wine because I will polish it off.
I never have any chocolate on hand because I scarf it as soon as it enters the house.
I never get anything done on my days off because I spend the whole time with my hands between my legs.
And the list goes on.

This weekend was an excellent example of my terrible control. I knew I was going to get laid on Saturday night by a guy I kind of liked and yet I went out and fucked a different guy on Friday night. And then I had another guy over on Monday night. And I tried to get laid again on Wednesday night.

Monday night:

After my marathon weekend of sex I had Guy#2 come over Monday evening after work.

Why? Because I could. And because I knew he would show up and get me off.

This makes me look gluttonous, which I am. I won't deny this fact. But i am also callous.

I hurt Guy#2's feelings and I knew I would. I knew exactly what I was doing.

Here is what went down:

I was sitting on my front stairs having a cigarette when he walked up. He sat down next to me and we chatted for a bit.

I had my cell phone next to me but I thought I had put my pack of cigarettes on top of it so the screen was covered. I had been texting Hot Air Balloon and I didn't really need Guy#2 to know. All of a sudden Guy#2 asks me if I am seeing anyone else, and I was honest and replied that I had been kind of seeing someone and things had escalated quickly but that he had moved away.

I later realized that he had asked me this because I he had seen that I got a text from Hot Air Balloon. Way to go, Muffy.

While catching up with Guy#2 I found out that his nephew died this weekend and that he had been kicked out of his brother's house, where he had been living. So he was obviously not well from the get go, and I did nothing to improve his state.

We went up to my room and fucked and it was alright. Not as good as before.

Afterwards we were lying in bed and he told me that he had never had a just sex thing before. He only had sex with girls he had dated and he seemed to feel a little weird about it. He made a joke about it being sinful.

I told him that this was all I did, that I have not had a boyfriend before.

And then he told me why that is. He broke it down exactly. He told me I have a severe fear of commitment. True. That I have seen so many relationships close to me fall apart. True. That I have trust issues. True. And that I have built walls around myself to protect myself from getting hurt and that some guy is going to fall in love with me and have to break these down. True.

I told him that I feel sorry for that poor bastard, whoever he may be.

And then we had an awkward moment of eye contact and he looked sad.

He asked me about Hot Air Balloon and how serious we were. I said not very as it had only been a week and a half. He asked if I had wanted to get serious with him and I said that yeah, I think it would have happened if he hadn't left.

Then there was silence. I wanted to tell him that if this was hurting him then we should stop. I wanted to be upfront and tell him to stop texting me because it is not good for him.

But I didn't say anything.

Then he went on about how his wisdom teeth hurt and he was going to go for a walk to get painkillers and a coffee. I asked if he wanted me to come and he said no but asked if I wanted anything.

As soon as we walked out of my room neither of us said anything to the other.

He walked out my front door and we didn't kiss, hug, or say goodbye. Nothing.

After he left I was kind of confused about it he was coming back or not. He didn't. I don't blame him.

Wednesday Night:

After I left work yesterday I noticed none other than Old Guy sitting on the pub patio across the street. I stopped dead in my tracks. I creamed my pants. I started to quiver. I almost lost my shit.

He looked FINE. Perfect. Pure sex. It was insane. His hair was amazingly coiffed. His jeans cuffed just so. And his tattoos just peeking out from the collar and cuffs of his shirt.

I needed to take action. Do something. BUT WHAT.

I crossed the street a little further down. Took off my sweater, fluffed my hair, tightened the belt cinching my waist, and I pulled all my swagger from within. And I STRUT my shit for all I was worth. I STRUT right past him and his buddies. I held my head high, stuck out my tits and ass, swayed my hips, and shook out my hair.

I probably looked ridiculous, but I didn't give a shit. I looked cute and I knew it. I had been getting compliments all day on my hair and outfit, and I know I looked hot. And I know he saw me. And I know my ass caught his attention.

Then I walked the rest of the way home, vibrating from being so close to him.

When I got home I frantically tried to find someone to go for a beer with me at the same pub. No one was available. I didn't know what to do to establish contact with him again.

So I picked up my phone. I couldn't remember if I still had his number or not.



What to say?! Something smart, cute, funny, sexy....

What did I send?

"Hey it's *******, I just saw you at the Toad and had to come home to change my panties. Are you up to anything later?"

Not quite the work of art I had planned.... but it was sent.

I didn't hear back until this morning. "I looked like pooo"

I didn't respond. I think he wanted me to fan his ego, but I refused. I figure, I am just going to own the text I sent him. If it comes up I will not be ashamed of the fact that he turns me on.

What I am kind of hoping will happen is that now he knows I am still interested in his cock so maybe he will suggest a meet up. I am not going to suggest anything. Imma leave the ball in his court and if he is interested then great. Otherwise, whatever.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Little Italy, Big Stallion

At some point this summer Muffy got be back on the internet dating band wagon and she insisted that it was something I pursue once I go back to school. However, I only really get into it when I am drunk or lonely or a combination of the two. Saturday night I was sitting on my couch thankful that 13 Going on 30 was on so that I had something decent to occupy my time with, but I log on anyways. I don't want to sound vain or anything, but I get my fair share of messages, but so many are "whats up? hows your weekend going cutie?" (and really if their spelling was that good I might actually reply to them). So I ignore a huge majority of them. There is also a feature on the website where you can chat, but I pretty much ignore anyone who just starts chatting with me without sending me a message first.

However, I hear the little *bing* of an incoming chat message; I look at the profile before accepting, he seems decent, so we start talking. We don't talk about anything spectacular, but after a while of chatting on and off I agree to meet him for sushi (because thats the best activity to show how big your mouth is) on sunday night.

All day sunday I can't concentrate because I am thinking that I might just get laid! Woo! Or alternatively  I am meeting up with a killer who will most likely be coming to my house afterwards to stab me with a cleaver.

I clean up my apartment, shave my legs and all that good stuff. I actually try on different outfit options. What is with me, I always know what to wear!

We are supposed to meet at 7, but he texts me at 6 or so saying that he was running late and to make it 8, no biggie. At 7:45 I walk over to the liquor store to get some wine (its closed) and I get another text saying he was going to be there at 8:15. UGH. Fine, I am still trying to be cool with this. I pretty much have to sit around outside by myself for a while so I am not sitting alone in a restaurant. Finally I go, I end up waiting for him for another 40 minutes. I spend all this time texting my girls bashing someone I haven't even met yet.

I contemplate leaving, but I had ordered an iced tea and all I had was a $20 so I didn't want to deal with actually talking to the waitress and getting change.

Finally he shows up, he is cuter than his picture, which is pretty much unheard of. He apologizes for being late, but doesn't really give much of a legitimate reason. We order, and we talk, he is good at asking questions and being interested in my life instead of just talking about himself. He had just finished his Masters in Engineering the week before but he had gone to my university for his undergrad.

He is a little bit older than I am, 28 to my 23, but he has a really nice smile and perfect teeth, so that makes everything okay.

We decide to walk through his old campus to see if anything has changed. Its dark out, but warm and its not super romantic because I can't tell if he is that into me.

Finally I feel comfortable inviting him over. We sit on my terrible couch which does not lend well to eye contact. But we talk. And we talk. We have a music battle. We talk about everything. My mother calls, but I ignore it. We have no wine to hinder our judgement, so we just keep talking. I offer him a brownie that I had made, and then finally, at 3am he puts the moves on.

I had always thought that when romance novels talked about "pillowy lips" that it was one of the most ridiculous things ever. Now I get it.

In the summer the girls and I talked about who was our best kiss, and now I have changed my mind.

This man is a real bonified Italian Stallion.

My apartment was so hot, I had even turned the air conditioning on, but it wasn't helping enough. He was on top of me radiating heat and if I closed my eyes it was almost like making out with an Italian on a beach in Italy.

He took off my shirt, I took off his.

Then he goes for the pants. But I stop him. For some reason that is somewhat unbeknownst to me I tell him that I really want to do it but I think we should wait. Honestly, it was kind of empowering. We go on making out like we are in an CK jeans ad with nothing but denim on. Eventually it gets hot and heavy enough that he can satisfy himself with all of the dry humping that we're doing.

We slow down and we talk, and compliment each other, make plans to see each other again. He keeps on kissing me all over. It's almost too romantic for someone I just met. But also kind of fantastic. Yeah, I am super sappy okay, but it was really NICE, and nice things don't happen all that often...

I'll let you know what happens friday!

NOTE: Okay, so everything I said seems pretty hunky-dory, but I forgot to mention that because it was so hot, some of his chest hair stuck to my boobs and made me look like I had really hairy nipples. This was probably one of the least attractive things that has ever happened to me while not even having sex.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Lurkin' with my merkin

Muffy's tired!

I have had a very busy weekend. I am sore, exhausted, and content.

Friday night I was ready to have a calm evening at the pub listening to a local band and relaxing with friends. Cut to two hours later when I find myself on the roof of a massive, heritage apartment building, champagne bottle in hand and friends at my side, sitting on the ledge of the roof with my feet dangling over as I watch the bustle of the late night bar crowd.

It was obviously the start to a fun evening.

We did make it to the pub, but I was much more drunk than I had planned.

I hadn't really paid much attention to the men at the show. I was enjoying being in my own little world, dancing by myself. Then a friend of a friend struck up conversation with me. He was cute. Dark hair, good shoes, and an accent I couldn't peg. Turns out he was from Turkey. He was interesting and funny. We were interrupted by two other friends who wanted to introduce me to a man who wanted to be an electrician, something we share in common.

This guy was really cute. He had wild, curly, floppy hair, a goofy smile, and a prince t-shirt on. He and I chatted for a little while until the band's second set started.

During the set the Turkish guy kept trying to have a conversation with me but I was too busy dancing and checking out the Floppy Haired guy, who was returning my interested looks.

By the time the band was finished playing my friends had all left and I was standing between the Turkish guy and the Floppy Haired guy waiting to see what would happen next. The Turkish guy left to use the washroom and right away the Floppy guy and I turned to each other.

He asked me what I was doing next and I told him I had no plans. He asked if I wanted to go to his place and watch Dallas and listen to Prince. This was obviously an offer I could NOT turn down.

We passed the Turkish guy on the way out and I gave him a smile and a shrug. Maybe next time.

We never did watch Dallas, of course.

We went to his bedroom and went at it until his neighbor was banging on the wall. We relocated to the living room. He put on Prince and sang it to my vagina as he was eating me out.

We realized that the couch really did allow us the room we needed so we decided to go back to the bedroom, where I was officially crowned Queen Hoover, Master of Blowjobs.

He announced that I was going to call in sick to work the next day so we could spend the whole day fucking. Then we finally fell asleep at 6am.

We didn't sleep long. I had to get up to call into work and then we both downed some alka seltzer and got back to business.

Eventually I left in the early afternoon. He seemed disappointed that I wasn't going to spend the entire day in bed with him, but I had to get home to shower and get ready to see Hot Air Balloon guy that evening. He sent me on my way with breakfast to-go: a juice box of orange juice.

Hot Air Balloon picked me up at seven for dinner. After dinner we went for a short walk and then he decided he wanted to take me to his place, which is on the other side of the city. I actually had the next day off work, so I was up for anything.

When we got to his place we watched a few episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and laughed our asses off. I eventually got bored watching TV so I hopped on his lap and made things a little most interesting.

In no time I had my dress off and was leading him to his bedroom.

The last time we fucked it was sort of clumsy and he was nervous. This time he knew exactly what he was doing, and he did it very well. Extremely well. It was amazing. He knew when to be gentle and when to be a little rough. Holy crap. I feel bad for having so much doubt about him.

I spent the night, although we didn't really sleep.

Then this morning he dropped me off at home and left town for work. Will I see him again? I hope so.

As awesome as the weekend was, I am a wreck now. I am speckled in little bruises, every muscle aches, and my lips are swollen and tender. I literally cannot walk, do stairs, sit down, stand up, or bend over.

But it was totally fucking worth it.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Getting to Know Muffy aka TMI: What turns me on

- Tough looking facial scars
- Neck tattoos peeking out from beneath a collared shirt
- Hand tattoos
- Old men
- Married men
- Men in leather footwear
- Cuffed jeans
- Tousled hair
- Highly styled moustaches
- Beards
- Big hands
- Old Spice
- Whiskey on the rocks
- Being bitten
- Being pinned against a wall by his leg
- Muscular thighs and ass
- Sweat
- Smoking
- Douchbags
- Hard to get
- The chase
- Men with children
- Broad shoulders
- Salt & pepper hair

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Well...I did it.

As if there was any doubt that I would. I just cannot resist taking my clothes off for a man who is willing to fondle my vagina.

Today I had Hot Air Balloon Guy over for a movie and some wine.

Originally my plan for the evening was to wash my cum-stained bedding and while that was happening I was going to sit on my naked mattress, while probably naked myself, eating cheesecake and reading blogs. I lead an especially glamourous life.

But no. Some dude (Hot Air Balloon Guy, stay with me!) wanted to see me because he just found out that he is moving out of town to fly balloons elsewhere and he thinks I am super awesome.


So I come home from work. I toss my tight black jeans, my musty pillow cases, and a cute top in the wash. I hop in the shower to wash the negligence out of my hair make sure my bits were in order. I swept and mopped the damn apartment. And then I pulled myself together and let him know he could come over.

We watched Whatever Works, which was fine, and cracked open my free bottle of wine (which I am kind of wishing I had saved for a night by myself). After the movie we made a little small talk until someone (can't remember who) grabbed the other and went in for a smooch.

Smooching turned to groping, turned to dry humping, turned to us retreating to my bedroom to get the pesky clothes out of the way.

Now. This is funny because I was talking to the gals before he came over and I told them I would probs not fuck this dude. But the THING is. When I am presented with a penis, I just get far too excited about seeing what it can do that I totally forget that I didn't want to go there.


And my mind gets all jumbled and buggered up.

This guy was nervous. And as much as I love being dominated, I am also learning that I kind of love making guys nervous. It brings out this beast in me. I am practicing becoming more dominant myself so that I can expand my sexual horizions.

Today I was a little drowsy from the wine, so beyond gently telling him what I wanted ("bite there...harder") I remained calm and didn't get too excited.

One of my fears was that his dick would be too small. And it seemed small, but I am pretty sure that it was just because there was so much flesh. He is certaintly the biggest man I have ever fucked, and it was a hinderance, to be quite frank.

But he was a quick learner, and he developed a basic understanding of what I wanted.

I actually got the feeling that he may have never had sex before...but how can you ask someone that question?!

As sweet as the whole thing was, towards the end of it I had already resolved that I had no romantic feelings towards this man. I was getting less interested and he was quickly becoming more interested. This has happened to me before. It is so awkward because I am the type who will apparently take advantage of these men for sex and completely disregard their feelings. Take Guy #2 for example.

I will probably see Hot Air Balloon Guy one more time before he moves away. I am going to use the move as my out.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Cum Bucket List

It started off as a regular ol' bucket list.

I figured I needed goals to work towards but then every goal I added to the list ended up having to do with sex. I would be having a conversation with the gals about sex and something weird would come up and I would say "I should do that. It's a bucket list kinda thing."

It was actually Old Guy who first referred to it as a "Cum Bucket List", and I fell in love with it immediately.

The Cum bucket List continues to grow regularly, which is intimidating at times because my sex life has been slow this week. Then I remember that bucket lists are a life thing, not just a summer thing, and I am calm again. Most of the things on my Cum Bucket list are entirely achieveable, which is good. (I included things I have already accomplished, they are in bold.)

Muffy's Cum Bucket List

1. Have sex with a hot older man.
2. Have sex with a way younger man.
3. Draw blood during sex. (This one started as a joke with myself about vampires, and then I did it by accident.)
4. Be spanked HARD during sex.
5. Be tied up for sex.
6. Tie someone up for sex.
7. Have a one night stand.
8. Have sex on a roof.
9. Have sex in an alley.
10. Have sex in a bar washroom.
11. Have sex on some church steps.
12. Have anal sex.
13. Have sex in a hot air balloon.
14. Have sex in a graveyard. (I may have added this after the fact...)
15. Have a threesome.
16. Turn my vagina into the United Nations.
17. Give myself a multiple orgasm.
18. Learn female ejaculation.
19. Have sweet, romantic sex.
20. Have sex on a bear-skin rug.
21. Have sex in the woods with a lumberjack-type dude.
22. Use hot wax during sex.
23. Have sex with a married man.
24. Have sex with a delivery man. (Must not be pre-planned.)
25. Have super dirty sex with an authority figure.
26. Give someone a golden shower. (I am curious about this one. I would not like to get peed on, and I probably would not like to see this person again after peeing on them...)

This list feels short. I know I'm missing some things. I also think I am probably willing to try most things. WHY NOT?!

Monday, September 19, 2011

The New Fall Lineup: A Bad Idea?

In a recent post I went on about how I am ready to keep my pants on and my tits in my top for the first few dates with the new guys I have been interested in.

And now I am having doubts. In fact, thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. SUPER DUPER uncomfortable.

I am sitting here typing this and shaking and thinking about how I could use a stiff drink (or cock) to settle my nerves. Alas, I have none. Well, I am always sure to have JUST IN CASE numbers in my phone, BUT I am trying to break the habit.

Okay. So this week's dates.

I had arranged to have one with a 38 year old who was super nervous about the 14 year age difference. He was emailing me six times a day. I would email him something and his response would be four emails. Then he would email to check in an wish me an awesome day. Then he would email in the evening just for the sake of it.

It was excessive, annoying as fuck, and he couldn't spell for shit. I also got the feeling he was slow...and he sent me a picture and he looked kind of cross-eyed. (This makes me sound ridiculous...I am really all over the place in terms of physical attraction, Mr. T was a death metal disaster who wore denim vests covered in patches. I am going nowhere with this. Other than the fact that I have fucked weird looking guys.)

So I was getting a weird feeling about this 38 year old. I couldn't put my finger on it. All I knew was that I was not looking forward to this date. I was feeling icky about it.

The day of the date, I'm at work talking it out with my coworker and she convinced me to cancel it. And I realized I had to. I had a feeling he would kill me or something. So I emailed him, hoping he would get it in time, and then I blocked him. End of that dude.

The next day I had a date with a much more promising guy. Hot Air Balloon guy. This guy fucking flies hot air balloons for a living! It seemed pretty boss to me. He also seemed normal, and was able to communicate in proper english.

We decided to meet at a coffee shop by my place. I stroll in and spot him right away. He is a big guy. Over six feet, broad shoulders, and just generally SOLID (hefty?). I knew this going into it, and I'm ok with it (I think?) because I am a curvy gal. (But, like, big guy's dicks always seem so small....like, in relation to everything else.)

We both get tea and have a seat and the conversation is super easy. And I laugh my ass off. He is a big nerd. HUGE. But he let me make fun of him for it, which is important to me because that is my sense of humour and I always fuck up and hurt people's feelings by accident because they don't GET me. Right. So the talking was good. And he has a sweet face.

After talking for an hour and a half I suggest we go for a walk. We walked and talked about bugs and stuff and it was nice. At the end of the night I kind of took control of the situation because I could tell he was sort of nervous. I said I would like to see him again and he agreed. Then I made him give me a hug and I ended the night with out even taking off my cardigan. This was very grown up and responsible.

A couple of days ago was my second date with Hot Air Balloon guy. It was a decent five hours. He picked me up and we grabbed a coffee and chatted for a bit. Then we walked around an antique mall and some other shops. We then decided to go to the zoo. We spent a few hours at the zoo, wandering, making fun of animals, almost being eaten by a lion, and some flirting. His nerdiness was even more evident, but he was still good humoured about it when I poked fun. He identified all the planes that flew overhead, and there were lots because we were near the airport. Then he took me for sushi. Sushi is kind of an awkward date food. I get paranoid that guys are watching me eat the big pieces to gauge how much of their dick will fit in my mouth. He didn't seem to do this, which was nice.

After dinner he walked me home because the restaurant was right near my place. At the door we made plans to get together again this week to watch Indiana Jones because I've never seen it. As I was talking about how he can also teach me about Dungeons and Dragons he was slowly moving closer and kind of leaning on the gate. I could see the look in his eyes that told me that he wanted to kiss me but wasn't going to make a move because he was too polite. So I gave him and side hug and a super chaste kiss on the lips. The kind of kiss I would give my grandmother.

Okay. So I had a nice time. Right? Right! I did.

I am not trying to convince myself, I did honestly enjoy myself and his company. I am just at a loss. I have no idea if he will be able to satisfy my wants and it's making me want to call it all off.

What if he is a shit kisser?! Kissing is so important, even when it comes to hook-ups. If you can't make my groin feel a flutter of need when we are kissing, then it's not worth my time. And this super chaste kiss? I mean, I am obviously not going to be able to tell much from that, but I didn't really feel like pulling him in for some tongue either.

And what about his dick. What if it's no good? Then I will totally hurt his feelings because we will have gone on all these chaste dates and then when he takes his pants off I'm all "Um, you know what..no thanks. Changed my mind."

What if he doesn't do what I need him to do. What if he is afraid of hurting me. What if he doesn't bite like I like. What if he is no good with his hands?! I am already so certain that he is going to be a flop in the sack AND IT IS SO DISTRACTING. Is this unreasonable?! Why is it making me freak out like this?!

I realize that I am not tied to Hot Air Balloon. I could call him right now and say no thank you. But that would be stupid. As paranoid as I am about all this sex stuff, I am more paranoid that I will accidentally miss out on a good thing.

Anyways. That night after the date I was semi-panicked about how a nice guy actually likes me, which I realize is ridiculous. I cracked open and beer, happened to be listening to some sexy music, and I decided to see what Guy #2 was up to for the next day.

This was an asshole move because not only did I know I had a guy who likes me, but Guy #2 has issues of his own and was interested in me but I said no thanks and now I was going to use him for sex. I am such a champ.

Guy #2 and I arranged for him to come over in the evening the next day between work and a meeting. I think I was excited. I know I was drunk and horny...

Then the girls and I decided to go to the bar to see some bands. As I am standing there, kind of shimmying to the music, I notice an attractive giant come stand next to me. I recognized him immediately. This is the hot guy I see walking down the street in front of work everyday. He also slept with a friend of mine a few years ago. And he has an online dating profile through which I had contacted him a few weeks ago.

This was an opportunity.

I descreetly blotted any oil from my face, dealt with the beer/cigarette breath, adjusted my tits (he was much taller than me and would have a perfect view down my top), and prepared my opening line.

As the band was playing I noticed he had spotted me and so as soon as the band stopped we kind of started to talk to each other at the same time.

He is blonde, about 6'4, has stretched ears, and super hip dork glasses. I have had a crush on this guy for years. And now I was finally talking to him!

I tried to play it cool but I was kind of speechless and drunk. I had a hard time being witty and quick, and I kind of felt like I was floundering. He was kind of awkward too though, and when he said stupid things he would say something like "don't fuck this up, big guy!" under his breath. It was charming, trust me.

We also made an inside joke about how stupid the second band looked in their matching vests and he kept trying to convince me to go up to them an politely ask for one of my own.

Eventually the band started to play so we couldn't really talk anymore except a little between songs.

During the last song the guitarist lept off stage and grabbed me and put me between himself and his guitar and demanded I play. I am not a musician so I just kind plunked sadly on the damn thing while he actually played. I wish I had been more drunk at this point but unfortunately the beer had worn off.

It was now after 2am and I was tired, sober, and had to work the next morning. I know I could have gone home with Hot Nerd Guy, we even discussed how comfortable his bed would be to spend the next day in, but I was really just ready to sleep.

When I turned around to face him he was talking to a friend of his so I just squeezed his arm and said that I hoped we would run into each other again.

On the walk home I realized I should have slipped him my number. I am a dipshit. So I emailed him when I got home. Finger crossed!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Why I Would Make an Awesome Girlfriend

Since having made the decision to find a dude to have around for the fall and winter months, I've decided to compile a list of reasons why I would make a good girl thing.

Why I Would Make an Awesome Girlfriend
- I bake
- I make awesome mix cd's
- I don't take myself too seriously (Just my hair. Don't fuck with my hair.)
- I like beer (A LOT)
- I can burp loudly
- I am good at talking
- I am good at not talking
- I can give decent massages
- I like remote control cars
- I like dresses and look good in them
- I am willing to try most things in the bedroom
- I understand and appreciate personal hygiene
- If you dress like shit I won't blatantly try to change you (Although I may encourage by buying you clothes.)
- I can hang with the boys
- I will wear crotchless panties if you want me to
- I am a creative sexter
- I have a camera phone and will use it for boobies pics
- I will brag about your sex skills on the internet but will protect your identity
- I like to go fishing
- I am enthusiastic about blowjobs
- I promise not to barf on your penis

That's a fairly decent list. I may put a slightly edited version on my online dating profiles.

Riding in Cars with Boys

As you may have noticed, fall is just around the corner and us here at WWBWTBA are getting a little nervous that will the cool air will come cold hearts a limp dicks, so we're trying to get as much in while we can. We've all heard about what Muffy got up to this week (by the way, ran into her mother and apparently Muffy had to cancel lunch with her own mother because she was so tired and blamed it on my birthday, which she didn't even come to!), and we have all been running around like sex fiends.

I've been texting on and off with this guy who is in our dirty little group of male friends (seriously I wish they had a blog because we would look so tame in comparison), who I wasn't particularly attracted to, but he was extremely nice and put in an effort. For a while he had been trying to get me to go on a date with him, finally I caved and agreed. The night before he was coached by a couple of my friends on how to not ruin it, which basically meant not dressing like a rock climber and wearing jeans, a shirt with a collar and real shoes instead of those rubber water sandal shoe things my dad wears.

He came to my house and picked me up after having a family dinner, so it was already quite late into the evening, we went for ice cream and walked around the neighbourhood. I managed to be really slick and spill hot fudge on my pants. Eating ice cream doesn't really take that long so obviously the date couldn't end there, he suggested that we go back to his house for wine. He had been advised not to do this, as I get really uncomfortable in situations where I don't have a car and can't just run away. We get to his house, which he owns and redecorated, so I am somewhat impressed. Even though he spends too long showing me his bedroom which only consists of a king sized bed. I just walked away because I didn't want him to think that he could just pounce on me and drag me into bed. We go down to the basement, he shows me around and starts taking his laundry out of the drier. I think he kind of realizes how odd that is and hurries away quickly.

We spent the rest of the night playing with his adorable cat and playing video games. In all fairness I think a guy let a girl win at least one game, otherwise she probably will just get bitter and like you a less every time she loses. After I got totally sick of losing he turned on some netflix and we proceeded to watch River Monsters, which is a really great romantic show about big slimy fish. Or eels in this case. He's really winning me over. Then we watched Top Gear, I'm sure most of you single girls have no reason to know what this show is about, I'll fill you in; cars. We watched a car show. Imagine if I had invited him over and turned on some Jane Austen, you think it would have gone so well?

It's getting late, and there is little romance in the air so we talk about getting me home for the night, and all of a sudden a "HELLLLLOOO?" comes from upstairs. I look at my date, and he gets a panic stricken look on his face "uh oh." Down comes a hulk of a guy with a day old newspaper and a carton of milk in his hand. "Oh, I didn't know you had a lady friend over" The Hulk says with the most sly of smiles and takes a swig right from the open carton.

The rest of the night is pretty much history, we stayed around talking to The Hulk for a couple of hours before I finally got to go home. They told me all about their drunken escapades, girls, drugs and he tried to convince me that I should give my date some head on the way home.

The weekend after was my birthday and I got super drunk and hooked up with Cave Man while my date was in the next room over. Opps. Didn't talk to him for a couple days after that, but I felt pretty bad, and like he had been led on, so I made an effort to start talking to him casually again, and save my slut face.

Fast forward to last night, when out of no where he starts texting about his "muscle" and how it can get excited. I'm with all the blogger girls and they insist that I "go for it." I hand over the reigns to Muffy who texts him dirty things that I could never bring myself to say, and she manages to convince him to come down to the bar we're at.

He comes, and it's boring. The music is loud, we barely talk, and I think he gets intimidated by my other male friend who is there, who is a good foot taller than him, and also spent the entire night with his leg up against mine. By the end of the night I am not sure how this is going to go, I had my bike to take home so I get a ride to Muffy's place with Muffy where it's locked up, we both get out of the car and I kind of give him a look to give him the chance to offer me a ride home. He says nothing, we get out of the car and Muffy insists I text him. As confused as he seems he comes back to pick me up, at first I get the impression that he is actually just giving me a ride home, but once we get to my neighbourhood and he puts his hand up my dress while driving I know he gets the point.

We pull into my high school parking lot, he turns off the car and we jump on each other. I move to the backseat and he follows, he has managed to take his pants off in no time. At first I wasn't thinking I was going to go this far, but I decided it might be my last for a while, so I go with it.

I think this is where the phrase "like jack rabbits came from" because it was kind of like bop, bop, bop, pause, bop, bop, bop, pause. And then it was over. And he told me that when you get old your knees start to hurt when you have sex. I was kind of indifferent, but I tried to make it seem like I had a really good time.

He drops me off at my house, and then only 20 minutes later I am getting texts about how he liked sucking my tits and how he is still hard and wants to do it again. I think this guy needs to take it easy for a bit before his back gives out.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Conversations with Zaza re: heartache and lols

like I feel desperate for 10 minutes
and then it slips my mind for 2
and then I don't feel immediate about it
until another 10 minute episode occurs
during a tegan and sarah song
this is lol
I put on my "angry girl music" playlist (which I call "BitchTits").
It's like, metric, tegan and sarah, martha wainwright.
Tegan and Sarah's "don't confess this thing that breaks my heart" comes on
and there are these two chipmunks chasing eachother.
I was like "ughghghg and WAHHH and ugugugh fucking couples!
And i wish i was the girl squirrel/chipmuunk."