Wednesday, March 28, 2012

20 Shameful Secret Single Girl Behaviors That We’re Proud To Admit To

A site I love so much is The Frisky. I have learned so many things regarding celebrities and strange animal genetalia from those guys.

Today, while browsing some awesome articles I came across THIS LIST. 20 Shameful Secret Single Girl Behaviors that We're Proud To Admit To.

I really do 99% of these, even though I have roommates and I'm not really single (he just doesn't live in the same city as me). And, really, the list applies to both genders.

Let me post it here so your convenience.

20 Shameful Secret Single Girl Behaviors That We’re Proud To Admit To

1. Playing Tetris on the iPhone while watching “The Real Housewives” on TV. Obviously, this is about conflict resolution. “The Real Housewives” marathon is the conflict. The Tetris marathon is the resolution.

2. Making salad in a giant wooden bowl and using the bowl both for prep and eating to avoid washing an extra dish. It might look stupid. But the two minutes saved on washing extra dishes is worth it.

3. Rinsing dishes instead of using actual soap. Speaking of dish doing … soap is overrated when you’re the only person who uses your dishes. Bask in your own germs.

4. Same for hand washing after using the bathroom. Waste of hand soap!

5. Eating straight out of the fridge or in bed with the laptop. If you’ve recently wiped down your regular eating area, it’s dumb to get it dirty by taking yet another meal there … alone. Skip the kitchen and go straight from fridge to bed,

6. Drinking straight from the bottle. Drink Diet Coke straight from the plastic liter. Wine straight from the bottle. Milk straight from the carton.

7. Smushing the trash down further, to fit more garbage in, instead of taking it out. It doesn’t matter if your apartment smells like rotting spinach if you’re the only one who has to smell it. A candle or some room spray will cover that shit right up and you’ll live another day without having to go down four flights of stairs to the dumpster.

8. Spilling something on the counter and brushing it onto the floor. Coffee grinds, cereal crumbs,pistachio shells, all of it belongs on the kitchen floor where it blends into the ugly linoleum and gets stuck to the bottom of your fuzzy socks.

9. Wearing the same pair of socks multiple times. And even if the bottoms of those fuzzy socks are covered in coffee grounds, you can put off washing them for a while. A long while.

10. Using a towel for a really long time without washing it. Same goes for that face towel you’ve been using in the bathroom. You can flip it up to four times before every surface is covered in your mascara.

11. Boogers don’t really need to go in tissues. Boogers also can be wiped on walls, under beds, in the carpet. Boogers also like to be flicked. But don’t eat boogers. That’s truly gross.

12. Waiting to buy TP until you’ve used every scrap of paper towel and napkin in the house. Boogers especially don’t go in tissues if you’ve been putting off your toilet paper run for a while. Because tissues are the same as toilet paper. Duh.

13. Leaving clumps of hair in the hairbrush. As long at the bristles still run through your hair, you’re in business, Betty,

14. Taking a hell of a lot longer to wash period blood stained sheets than we care to admit. But, what the hell? We’re admitting it now. There is something comforting about sleeping in one’s own period stain. Reminds you that you’re still fertile, even if no one is “tapping that.”

15. Eating potato chips and onion dip for dinner. Tastes better if eaten at the fridge or in the bed with the laptop. We recommend following that up with pretzels dipped in peanut butter and Nutella for dessert. An entire meal without dishes!

16. Sleeping with a teddy bear. His name is Ralph. So what?

17. Cupping our bare breasts or vagina while watching TV. It just feels right.

18. Eating two dinners because the first one wasn’t very good so it didn’t really count. This will be highly unlikely if you ate potato chips and onion dip for dinner. That shit is satisfying.

19. Taking Myspace-style self portraits in the bathroom mirror. It’s important to commemorate these special single moments. Like celebrating an entire day of not using dishes or utensils. Or beating your own Tetris high score while watching “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” Reunion Special.

20. Listening to the same song on loop for five to six days in a row. And it doesn’t matter if it’s something uncool like Soul II Soul’s “Back to Life.” Your plants won’t mind one bit.

Friday, March 23, 2012

To fart or not to fart...

So I've suddenly found myself in the midst of a long distance relationship.

How it happened, I have no idea. I guess I just kind of fell into it.

Y'all may remember Hot Air Balloon guy from last year... well that's who.

I have to say, it's been very trying as I am a massively physical person.

We have visited each other and as hard as it is to be apart, the sex when we finally see each other is AMAZING.

Now that we are growing more and more comfortable around each other he is happy to fart in front of me. This is great, whatever. I'm glad he feels comfortable and the farting doesn't bother me really.

What DOES bother me is that as chill as I am about his farting and as chill as I'm sure he would be I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO FART IN FRONT OF HIM. This drives me CRAZY.

I'll think I'm fine and that all is great and that there is no reason for me to be weird about it but when it comes down to doing it I panic and try to surpress it or I hide the sound of it and pretend it's not happening.

I just know that one day when I am surpressing it, it's going to be too loud and my pinched butt cheeks are going to turn it into some weird trumpet noise.