Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Blog Improvements!

Notice anything different on the blog?

C'mon guys....

Okay. I'll tell you.

In the right column, right under the "A Little About Us" box, is a box that lists all of us amazing authors. The "Posts by Author" bow. AND GUESS WHAT! You can click on each author and it takes you to all the posts written by said author.

I know, my organizational skills are MINDBLOWING.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

This all happened when I was sober.

Let me preface this story by saying that before this summer my sex life was slow. No...slow isn't the right word....It did not exsist. I had started working really hard at online dating and decided to try to whore it up a little and see what happened.

One night Houston and I were chatting and she kind of dared me to have sex with four different guys this summer, and I agreed. NOW I realize that four does not seem like a big number. I could have had sex with four guys in a week EASILY because getting laid is easy, but I didn't want to just have sex with anyone. I wanted to feel it out and meet up for a drink and find guys who were worthy, which is funny because I realized how rare that is.

Until this weekend I was up to three guys, all of which I had seen more than once. I had had sex almost once a week and was fairly content with my progress, but I also felt a sense of urgency because Houston was leaving town to go to school in a week and that was my deadline. So I kicked the online thing into high gear.

Last night I did something that I would never have imagined would happen in my bed EVER. I am in shock at myself for my behavior, but also impressed, and maybe a little disgusted. Oh my god. I can't decide whether to brag or feel shameful....I have noooo idea....

Last week I had started texting this boy named Jesse. He texted me quite a bit from the begining which was sort of clingy but I didn't mind because it gave me something to do while at work and he seemed nice. We had agreed to go for drinks on Monday night.

Monday night rolls around and he texts me all day that he is nervous and excited. I didn't really feel anything going into this date...I had already kind of realized that I wasn't interested but I wasn't going to write him off without giving him a real chance.

We met at 9:30 at a local lounge and he was kind of awkward but I had no problem keeping the conversation going. I knew I wasn't interested, but I had my goal of four men on my mind and I guess I let that dictate my actions for the next part.

We decided to go for a walk after having a couple of drinks and I suggested we go to a park because I felt like going on the swings. On the way to the park he insisted I hold his hand and he stopped a couple of times to kiss.

When we get to the park I go for the swings right away. He was such a poop and was all awkward and embarrassed about swinging. So I just ignored him for a while and swung as high as I could. Then he suggested we go sit on a nearbye patch of grass.

We sit down and he starts at it right away. I just let him do his thing, which was licking under my chin. He also did this thing where he opened his mouth as wide as he could and stuck his tongue out as far as it will go, and then he crammed it down my throat. I would never like to experience that again.

At one point while he was kissing my neck he moved towards my ear, and the next thing I knew he had his tongue in my ear and was tongue fucking it. It felt very wet and all I could think about was how I looked forward to using my q-tips when I got home.

Then I made the mistake of agreeing to bring him home.

I know I should have let it end in the park, and I really have no explaination for why I let him come back to my place.

He insisted on having the lights off and he refused to take off his socks. He went at my boobs like a baby, as though he was expecting them to start lactating. He licked me down like a cat, but never once went between my legs (he licked my face from neck to forehead with a very wet tongue). He must have never heard of the clit. He had no idea.

When he had sex with me he could have been using his pinkie was small. It was thin and it was short. I used my hand on myself and eventually pretended to get off because I just wanted it to be over.

After he pulled out I felt sorry for how shitty he was and I went down on him. THIS IS THE MOST HORRIFYING PART: I was sucking his little dick, which I could fit in my mouth no problem, and I barfed. I barfed on his cock and he has no idea. It wasn't much and it happened right as he started to ejaculate so I just used kleenex to wipe everything up.... And then I tried not to laugh hysterically.

As soon as the mess was cleaned up I said something like "I don't mean to kick you out, but I should get to bed." I got dressed and escorted him out.

Now, what I haven't yet mentioned was that all while this date was happening, I was already planning what I could do to make this night better.

As of Monday morning I had been texting another guy who didn't seem like my type but was nice and funny. I knew Guy #2 was off work and would be coming through my area of town around midnight and so when I went to the washroom right before Guy #1 and I were leaving the bar I texted him and suggested a walk...

In the parking lot just as I was about to get inside Guy #1's car, Guy #2 called. I answered and made plans to see him when he got to my area. Guy #1 could have heard...I don't know. After I hung up I told Guy #1 that it was my roommate.

After Guy #1 left I immediately ran upstairs and finished barfing. I am all class. I know this. Then I brushed my teeth and my hair and touched up my makeup and left to meet Guy #2, who was waiting for me.

As I was orchestrating all of these events, I couldn't help but laugh at my behavior. What I did last night was something that would have made my jaw drop had any of my girlfriends done it. I kept stopping and laughing at myself.

Guy #2 was shorter than I expected, probably my height of 5'8 or 5'9. He dressed kind of gangsta, but all his clothes were new and clean. The conversation was easy. We didn't even have to think about it.

He told me about how he works at group homes for troubled teens and that he got into it because he was and addict and came from a broken home with a junkie mother. He also told me about how his fiance and 1 year old daughter died in a car accident 6 years ago. About how he was homeless because he hit bottom after that. And a million other sad things. He was the most positive and well-adjusted person I have ever met. He could take any situation and talk about how he took something positive from it.

We strolled around for an hour, stopping to sit on random benches. Eventually, on a bench in a churchyard, we started making out. He was good. I spent a little time batting his hands away because I still had this idea in my mind that I hadn't decided to meet up with him for sex. I know that it was something I kind of wanted, but I was in denial and insisted that I did not behave like this.

Eventually I relented, and I was glad I did. We got a little carried away and he ended up missing his last bus home. I invited him over, not because it would have been a drag for him to get home at this point, but because I did find myself drawn to him.

Over the course of the night we had sex four times, and it was awesome. It was so relaxed and we laughed so much. He showed me all the tricks he could do with his body, such as when he had a hard on he could make it dance and bob up and down. It was so hilarious and I laughed so hard at it, which made it go soft again. Then he made it talk to me. He could also bend his fingers back until they almost touched the back of his hand and he could pop his eyes out of their sockets...which I would NOT let him show me. He had lots of scars on his body because he was run over by a car as a child.

He also tans, which I made fun of him for even though I tan too. We compared tans and laughed at ourselves for being so vain.

I feel a little guilty for being dishonest with him about Guy#1 when it seems like he was willing to to tell me anything...but I do not regret my choices. I see no point in regret, especially when I made the sober decision to do this.

I didn't sleep until he left at 6:30 this morning. We were both so tired but neither of us could sleep because we both had too much to say.

My First Asian

I have finally, finally (finally) gotten around to this post. Let’s get the personal particulars out of the way right off the bat, shall we? I’m Daniel. No codename necessary. But isn’t that a guy’s name, you ask? And isn’t this a blog written by girls? Yes and yes. How very astute of you, dear reader! Wait…you're gay, right?, I am not gay. I’m friends with the girls who write this blog, and quite good friends (dare I say, besties?) with one in particular, so that’s how I fit into this whole thing. I’m from Canada but for the past seven months I have been in Asia. First as an exchange student in Hong Kong, then just chilling, and now traveling. I have pretty much no shame, no secrets, and generally try to be as honest as I can be. In addition, I have approached my time in Asia with a very “when in Rome…” type of attitude. That philosophy usually creates some pretty interesting situations and stories.

For several months now, I have been asked – and begged, pleaded with, and groveled at – to write for this blog. I have finally written this not because I didn’t want to before, but because I was too busy doing awesome things that you should probably be jealous of. Things like blackout drunk cliff jumping in the Philippines, riding elephants in Thailand, and feeding tigers (and bears and wolves!) in China. But now that I’m drunk in Bangkok and it’s 3 am and I’d rather not risk hitting on a girl who turns out to be a ladyboy**, I have some time to finally write this story. Asia’s a pretty wild place and over the past seven months I have accumulated some pretty ridiculous stories, of which some sex-related ones may be posted here. This is the first – and, I’m sorry to say, probably the tamest – of those stories. Don't fret though, potential future stories involve a biter, my first night in a brothel, being kissed by a gay man, and a ladyboy, so…yeah. They get more interesting. I promise. Anyway, here goes…

Background: One night I met these two girls when a bunch of us at school played poker. One is of Korean descent; the other is originally from China but now lives in Europe. During the game it became clear that the Korean girl was into my friend Ben. She was quite horny and very much dtf. Her friend from China was also at poker and there was some mild flirtation between us but I didn’t know how serious it was. They slowed the game down a lot and really, really sucked at poker (which annoyed me since I take it kind of seriously) but I put up with it because the Chinese girl is cute. I ended up winning poker but owing the Chinese girl a McFlurry. It’s pretty random, I know. Alcohol was flowing freely so I don’t remember how McFlurries got involved but whatever, McFlurries are awesome, they’re cheap in HK, and it was an excuse to meet up again.

A couple of days later, my friend Ben invited me out for half price sushi. I didn’t really know what the plan was or who was going other than Ben and two girls I had met recently, but it was half price sushi so I figured I’m in regardless of who would be going. I mean…half price sushi! And with a cute girl, too. Bonus. I was kind of excited. I showered. I shaved. I did my hair. I even shaved my balls (trimmed*, to be more accurate), moving them up in priority from my previous schedule where they had tentatively been penciled in for some time after midterms. It was going to be a big night.

I met up with Ben in front of our building and quickly found out that it was just going to be the four of us. The girls joined us shortly afterwards. I, not knowing the plan and exactly who was going, wore jeans and a collared shirt. The girls were both dressed up, immediately making me feel underdressed. I hate that. The Chinese girl wore a black minidress (tight) with heels (pumps, if you want the specifics). She had noticeably straightened her hair, which I found odd because being Chinese her hair was dead straight anyway. Whatever. It also looked like she had attempted to give it more volume but with minimal effectiveness. I didn’t hold it against her. As an aside, you all probably thought boys don’t notice things like this. I can’t speak for all of us, but I do.

As anyone with a functioning brain could tell you, going out for sushi is significantly classier than McFlurries. Because of that, I was fairly happy with this turn of events. At this point I still wasn't really sure if anything was going happen or if I was just going to be tagging along in support of Ben so that things wouldn't be awkward with just him and the Korean girl. Either way though, I was in because at least I was getting dinner out of it.

All throughout dinner, the Korean girl, who is way louder and more outgoing than her friend, was clearly dtf. However, Ben is one of those guys that is probably too nice to do anything about it. Despite noticing the obvious hints and innuendos, he acted oblivious. The Chinese girl, meanwhile, was quietly kind of receptive but it still wasn't clear at all how she felt about me. She was receptive one minute but then shying away the next, her eyes were dodgy, and she wasn’t saying much. I HATE when girls are like that. Don’t get me wrong, I totally think that you should make us work a bit, but when you can spend two hours with a girl and still not know if she’s interested, well, that’s frustrating. (I have since found this to be somewhat of a mainland Chinese thing. A lot of them do it and I hate it. It’s like they’re trying to let loose and then all of a sudden remember that they’re Chinese and should be more confined and conservative, so they reel things back in.) However, there was a shimmer of light during general “how was your day”-type conversation, as she mentioned that she swam that morning AND went to the gym later in the day. I said something along the lines of “wow, how ambitious” and she mentioned that her ex-boyfriend called her fat earlier that day. Vulnerability. Perfect. I can work with that. I was surprised she let this get to her since she is a tiny Chinese girl that is far closer to being underweight than overweight, but hey, lucky me.

In order to combat the Chinese conservatism, we wisely did what any group of young adults on a slightly awkward double date-type outing would do: we drank alcohol. First we ordered a bottle of sake. Then another bottle of sake. Then, once everyone was sufficiently loose, we ate disgusting amounts of sushi and cabbed home. I’m don’t remember when exactly it happened, but at some point, the Chinese girl seemed to like me a lot more. Having exchanged numerous sexy smiles and looks in the cab, by the time we got back to school you could feel that mischievous, up to no good energy in the air. The Chinese girl and I lived in separate halls but from where we were dropped off, we had to take the same elevator. Perfect. In the elevator I made my move. We had a brief elevator makeout, after which we acted like nothing happened once the doors opened, all the while smirking like idiots and giggling inwardly, as is of course proper elevator makeout protocol.

With the first kiss out of the way, the first major obstacle was the pesky security guard stationed at my building. Usually, only people who live in my building can get in after 11pm, even when accompanied by someone. This has ruined me before and I was praying it wouldn’t happen again. It’s a stupid Hong Kong rule and I hated (actually, still hate) it. Luckily, my security guard wasn’t there, which I suppose happens occasionally when she needs to take a piss or get a drink or something. How fortunate.

Obstacle number two was my roommate, but again I got lucky. He was sleeping at his girlfriend’s place, about a 50-50 chance on any given weekend. Two for two. Once in my room we made out some more and the touching started. Now in this situation, I typically have two worries. One is about not going overboard with the hands (so as to not seem too forward despite the fact that she is on my bed. Some sense that makes, huh?) and the other is about saying something stupid to mess things up. You see, I often make inappropriate jokes that could be taken the wrong way if you don’t know me and have a fear that one of them will eventually ruin me at a time like this. I managed to more or less keep my hands and silly thoughts to myself though and eventually, she reached down my pants. It was, in the words of the great Mandelbaum family, “go time”. Everything seemed to be going great and the breaks were going my way all night, and then, sex.

I don’t really know how to properly describe the sex and do it justice. I put it in and made a mental note that she wasn’t noticeably tighter than a white girl. Question #1 answered. After that, the sex was exceptionally mediocre and lacked passion. It was bland, vanilla, unexciting, whatever you want to call it. It was nobody’s fault, really, it was just that we had stumbled into having sex due to drunken hornyness on both our parts but I don't think either one of us was actually all that into it. She was pretty quiet (question #2 answered) and kind of did the dead fish but I didn’t care enough to do something about it and liven things up. Your first time is supposed to be special, isn’t it? By extension, shouldn’t the first time with an Asian be special too? Overall, it was kind of disappointing.

But as they say in England, every hole is a goal, right? RIGHT? Ugh. Oh well.

*I’ve tried shaving a couple of times in the past and while it feels cool for about two minutes, each time it has made me feel like a pedophile every time I touched my dick.

**If you thought the ladyboy stories/jokes were just jokes or rumours, I can assure you that there are plenty of them. And they creep the shit out of me.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Today was the first day that this blog has brought me anything but hilarity and happiness. That sounds so cheesy, but it's true!

A while ago I had mentioned this blog to Old Guy. I don't know why...we had just fucked and were lying in bed together talking about nothing and it came up somehow. I think I was bragging. I am an idiot.

At the time he thought it was hilarious and great! I assured him that I shared no identifying details so anyone who reads it would never know. He encouraged me to whore it up in order to collect stories to share, and even joked that he would have to work even harder in bed to make himself look good. The we started talking about something else and all was fine.

Today we were texting about when we would next meet for a romp and then the blog came up. He wanted to see it and I told him no. He said he would not be offended by anything I wrote about him and I told him that I wasn't concerned about his feelings, I was more concerned by how me knowing that he reads it would alter what I was writing. I consider this blog to be a personal novelty and I would love to keep it that way as long as I can. The fact that I mentioned it was stupid, and I have learned my lesson.

The texting conversation ended with me saying that if it bugged him then he and I can stop.

I would sooner end having sex with him then stop writing in this blog, and that if I am going to write in this blog then I am going to write everything, not just some things.

Speaking of everything, I have a few stories to share. Stay tuned.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Be Still, My Heart.

An email I received this week: 

M.Sc in medical sciences, I think you should change that to Genocide Science cause you know full well what the ingreedience are in the medications, so much poisoning and Government funded GMO toxic foods, that kill kids and millions of others,

odd no cures in 60 years, but hey well come to the real world,

PS I love a woman with a real brain, maybe then I could trigger some thing inside your beautiful mind to help you to get the real cure, cause I have the prinicalbe idea I just need some one with a real brain to figure out the details,

plus your cute

- a somewhat attractive (in a Lex Luther kind of way), but short man - with the most terrifying profile ever (ie, lots of caps, a link to this as "THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SONG THAT SHALL INSPIRE YOU ALL", and he's a DAD.


Dear Men of the Internet,

Don't insult Science! it is clearly somehow my profession! And its listed as one of my Interests! lol. What is wrong with you? How is this a "good strategy" to wooing me?!

- Coco

Old Fogey: Part 2

Last week I had my second encounter with Old Guy. It was amazing.

This time I just went straight to his place after work. Why waste time with small talk and drinks?

We got down to business right away. When we stopped for breaks he would sing and at one point he even danced.

This is his favorite song right now, he sang it very loudly and it was hilarious to see him dance naked like the guy in the blue jacket:

After going at it for a while we were laying in his bed chatting and he told me about how he had pierced a woman's nipple with three syringes a couple of weeks ago. Ick.

He tells me stupid shit like this to try and shock or impress me or something. He also told me about his MDMA trip the previous Friday and his coke binge a couple of nights earlier. He definitely does not act like a 43 year old. He acts like a complete idiot.

We did discuss keeping this arrangement going for a while. Which I am pleased about. The sex is seriously amazing. Gentle at times, and rough at others. And LOTs of making out.

After a while we got up and walked around his apartment before getting dressed. He went to the kitchen and I was in his living room checking my phone. All of a sudden I hear this WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! noise and I look up to see him going full force on his elliptical machine. Sandwich in one hand, the other arm flailing to keep balance, and his junk swinging like crazy. I nearly died I was laughing so hard. It was magic.

Shortly after that I stepped into the bathroom to tidy myself up and upon pulling my hair back I noticed THIS beast on my neck:

It is super sore, and tender, and horrifying. No makeup will cover it. It looks grey and splotchy and ridiculous.

I had left marks on his neck too, but none were as bad as this.

At the end of our romp, he walked with me back to my neighborhood and after parting ways I went and got myself a monster of a burrito to regain my energy.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Mr. A

Back when I was thinking about making a profile, a friend told me that the best method for online dating was to ignore all of the messages from dudes that initiate conversations. I was told that I should focus in on the profiles I found most interesting, and then send an email to those boys, and those boys only.

I obviously did not heed this advice at all.

Now, a few months in, a few dates in, but ultimately still nowhere in terms of finding anyone that I have any real connection with – I decided that it was mafukkin time to put my big girl pants on. It was time to BE THE INITIATOR!

I knew exactly which boy I wanted to email, but I was nervous. I practiced on some other profiles that were sort of interesting first, building up my nerve.

For lack of a better term, I’ve been profile stalking Mr. Adventures for several months. Before I uploaded pictures and made a real profile, I noticed his. He seemed perfect: a mix of tall, dark, and sexy-ugly. There was even a picture with a beautiful and rugged beard. I instantly had a boner for him.

Then, just before I put up pictures, he took down all of his photos. His profile was still there, but I figured that zero pictures = not currently looking.

I waited…

I didn’t really mind, to be honest. I hoped that his majestic bearded mug would return eventually, but I in the meantime I had no shortage of potential suitors to comb through.

Recently he uploaded photos again (not the bearded one! Womp Womp), and I resumed admiring his profile regularly.

One day, after reading a blog about being PIMPIN’ and taking charge of your life, I experienced a surge of confidence and fearlessness that provoked me to send Mr. Adventures an email.

Muffy once described his profile as: POW POW POW EVERTHING ANYTHING POW!!! I wasn’t sure what the hell to write in the email. He mentioned his love of adventures several times in his profile, so I asked him to regale me with his favorite Winnipeg adventure story. I figured that we could exchange stories and then I could suggest exchanging more stories over coffee.

Much to my delight, that is exactly what happened! Here is harshly summarized synopsis:

Coco: Tell me an adventure story!
Mr. A: AN ADVENTURE STORY! Imma hint at another story too. Your turn!
Mr. A: THE OTHER STORY! (it was super long and hilarious)
Coco: OMG THAT WAS AMAZING. Imma tell you more stories over coffee?
Mr. A: okay!

We planned to meet on Thursday after Folk Festival.

I was really nervous. Like, super fucking nervous. I had somehow gotten this man, who I had lusted over for months, to go on a date with me. AND SO QUICKLY! I avoided my previous method of having a phone conversation pre-date.

On Thursday we met at a coffee place. He texted me about an hour before to make sure we were still on. I appreciated that since I had been the INTIATOR the whole time. It was nice to know he might be even a tinge worried I’d bail. I told him to get his drink to go b/c we were going to go for a walk. He was early and sitting outside when I arrived.

He was wearing sunglasses and a straw fedora hat. I couldn’t really see his face for the first half of the date, and I worried that he was an ugly-ugly. We walked to a water fountain on Corydon and chatted. The conversation flowed pretty smoothly, although he went on mega tangents that were sometimes hard to follow.

Through a combination of a poor choice of hairstyle (bangs fully down), nervousness, and the heat wave, I soon became a disgusting sweaty mess. I was sure that I was bombing the date and that he was super grossed out by me. I was wearing a low cut top and I hoped that maybe my boobs were distracting him. I still wasn’t sure if I should care or not, since I was on the fence regarding whether or not he was an ugly-ugly or not.

We made it back to where we started and I freshened up in the restroom of a café. Then I suggested that we go to the park to check out the spinny chairs. He was game.

In the park, he twirled on the chairs for an amount of time that would have made me throw up. He loved it! When he calmed down, he asked me if I had plans for the rest of the night. I said I didn’t. Then he asked me if I had eaten dinner. I said that I hadn’t (I had been too nervous!!!). Then, much to my surprise, he asked me if I wanted to grab a bite.

I was delighted, but still unsure what he really looked like.

We headed to a local pub. We sat down and he went to the restroom. On his way back he sneakily bought me a beer that he had mentioned he thought I’d like on the walk. When he got to the table I suggested we move so that he could watch the game. We were both wracking up mega brownie points.

At last he removed his shades and hat. SEXY-UGLY FO-SHO! We shared nachos (he ate all the cheese!), told each other stories, and laughed and smiled a whole bunch. It felt easy and simple. It felt like one of those first dates that happens to girls you know, but never to you. It was textbook. And when the noisy nature of the bar forced me to lean in closer, I was pleased when I caught him occasionally and sneakily looking down my shirt.

I offered to go Dutch for the nachos, which I’ve since been told was very cool of me. We paid and left the pub and I veered us towards my apartment. Near my place he asked, “Am I walking you home?” and I said, “Yes, I tricked you into it.”

In front of my building I told him I had a fun night and that I’d like to see him again. He said that he’d like to see me again too, and then asked how long I’d be away for. He mentioned that he didn’t have his schedule for the next month and didn’t know when he’d be free, but then I think he realized it might have sounded like a brush off and told me that I should text him.

I was going to go in for the handshake, but before I could, he stepped towards me, said “oh, you’re going in for the hug!”, and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around him and breathed in his chest. Wonderful. And then we said goodnight.

Although it was a very nice date, I am not exactly all-a-flutter about it. Was the conversation really fun and easy? Yes. Was there chemistry? I’m not sure. At the end, I didn’t want him to kiss me, but I did like the hug.

I worry that he's secretly a big loser. 

A week later, while I was out of town, I texted him about something boring just to stay in touch, and because he had been all “text me!”. His responses weren’t revolutionary by any means, but he responded – so that’s something.

We are going out again on Monday to Folklorama. I hope he has grown a luscious beard in my absence. 

Breakin' it down!

I am confused by the men in my life. Let me list the current list for you, and me.

Old Guy: The guy I sexted and then had awesome sex with. Texted me this morning to arrange a "play date" and suggested that this time around we be more "Reggie and Veronica...and less Betty and Archie". I have no idea what it means but I am excited.

Moonpies: This is a guy I have been texting for weeks. He seems normal and hilarious and I am going out for drinks with him next week. I like him because we both agree that caesars are practically gazpacho and are appropriate to drink at all hours of the day.

Mr. T: This guy and I had sex last week. It was shit but I want to give him a second chance. Call me stupid.

Mr. WE: This is the guy that seemed to forsee a future between us. I disagree.

The Jock: I gave this guy my number the other day and he won't stop effing texting me. I may go for drinks with him tomorrow....and I might sleep with him....

Andre: I have no idea who the fuck this guy is. First he tells me his name is Andre then he says it's Greg. All I know is that he is black and banging a black dude is on my summer sex checklist.

The dreaded First Date "WE"

This evening I went on a date with another man who is twice my age.

The first experience was with Old Guy, and that was sexually charged from the start.

With this guy we exchanged just a couple of emails with no flirting and plans for dinner were made.

Dinner was nice. We had sushi and he paid, which was nice because I never go on actual dates (usually I just meet them for a drink, where I pay for myself, and then either we go our own way or I go to their place or whatever).

At dinner he started telling me how much I will like the town he lives in (he lives just outside the city) and how I can ride my bike there and go fishing and how I will find his condo so comfortable and how he is going to get furniture so I can be comfortable on his balcony.

I changed the subject to antiques and mentioned that my dream is to have a whole entire wall of books in my future home.

He started going on about "WE" as in

"Oh yeah! That would be amazing! But when WE have guests over We would have to hide all the stupid books WE actually like to read!"

He used "WE" a lot in terms of him and I and the future.

During dinner he was honestly very sweet and funny, but I didn't find myself attracted to him in a sexual sense and there wasn't much flirting at all so I was kind of surprised when he went in very confidently for an open-mouthed kiss at my front gate.

It was alright. I really like kissing so I was open to it, which may have been bad because it gave him the wrong idea.

He then suggested we go for a walk, so I told him I would walk with him to his car BUT WOULD GO NO FURTHER. So we walk to his car.

On the way he stops in an alley and starts kissing me again and this time he goes for a boob grab. I swatted his hand away.

We keep walking and he holds my hand.

We get to his car and he says he will drive me the block back to my place. So we kiss some more and before I can stop him his hand is down the front of my dress! I smacked it and told him I was surprised at him for being so fresh.

Then he goes on about when we will see each other next and I manage to put it off because my work schedule is bonkers (and I have another date next week with a guy I am actually interested in).

He then tries to convince me to go with him back to his condo and I say no, and he says he will fly me home in a helicopter, and I told him I needed to go home. (It was really hard to say no even though I don't really want to fuck him!)

Basically, I have no idea what I am doing. I am really stupid and need to not kiss men that I have no interest in.

From her lips to Baby J's ears:

Muffy: I want to turn my vagina into a United Nations

How to Lose a Girl in 10 Words or Less

The question "why are you single?" has come up way to often this week. I don't have an exact answer to this, but my excuse that I don't live here and I don't want to have to leave the love of my life here when I go back to school. Or you know, because I don't want one.

So in my time of need I turn to internet dating. These are some gems that the bachelors of the internet have sent to me:

Subject: Hi
"Your cute, I wanna have you sit on my face making me to lick ur clitoris till your cum is all over my face."

Subject: Open to receive a prize!
"The prize is..... A compliment of how pretty you hair is (yeah im a dork)
But I had to try and get your attention as I am sure you have like
038475658382727hbhh746&$ messages in your mail box...
Anywhoozle, take a gander at my profile and hopefully I will hear from you
ps if you do not reply to me thats all cool... I just hope that I made you smile
and brought some :D :) into your day"

Subject: Hi
"heloo :). You seem like a very interesting person and i just thought me not saying hi
would come back to haunt me lool and we wouldnt want that would we? lool. Just thought
i would give it a try :) by the way im kevin whats your name? :)"

Subject: Hey
So, you showed up in my matches!

I like to laugh and make everything into a sarcastic joke. It happens, right?

Now. I could write a resume. Tell you all about me. Like I am applying for the
position of the guy you are going to hang out with on Friday, or whatever. But
that would be boring and dull..

Wait, I could list out interrogation questions! Ask you things like what you do
for fun? or maybe something really deep... something like. "So where are you
from?" You'd swoon, realizing that I care about where you are from and thus 'where
you're coming from'.
Or, I could just delete all of this and type "Hey wazzup? Saw your profile. Ur
cute! hit me back and we can chat" That would probably work best. I mean, that's
what everyone does right? So it MUST work! Shouldn't it? Well, except for the
crappy grammar skills.

How about instead, I do this. I am intrigued by your profile, and think it could
be worthwhile to find out more about you.
You know, talk, and answer those age old questions, like:

"Is she a total basket case in hiding?"
"Will I fall asleep sitting next to her when we hang out?"
and don't forget...
"Is she just a guy with fake pictures, pretending to be a girl?!?!?"

Care to chat/ talk/ argue? :)"

Subject: Hi
"sangria is gross, i had such high hopes for us too haha"

Subject: Hi
"I wish I could play the fiddle!! you have a such a sexy mouth!"

Sigh, maybe tomorrow night?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

play structures, moonlight, and the No! feeling

I wasn’t super keen on meeting Scarf. Maybe this was because I was distracted by other dudes, maybe it was because a friend told me he had “woman beater” eyes, or maybe it was because he said he’d met over 100 girls from the internet, some of them who have since been featured on – It is really hard to say what factor prevailed in giving me the No! feeling about him.

We shared a few emails, phone calls, and texts. Not a lot, just enough to keep in touch. The conversations were polite, mostly boring, and I felt a false enthusiasm from him. He was a mumbler, and it annoyed the shit out of me.

We made plans and I bailed out a few hours before. I knew that I would be away a lot in June, so I asked him if we could put a pin in things – if I could contact him when I was back in town. He said sure and didn’t complain. I appreciated that. Mostly because, in the meantime I was trying to make a date with RC.

Unimpressed with RC, and invigorated by my discovery that a dude I barely know can make my knees shake, I arrived back in Winnipeg with a fresh perspective and a willingness to meet Scarf.
We met one evening outside of a coffee shop nearby. He was tall (!), burly (!), and rocking some serious stubble (!). He was sexy-ugly through and through (!).

We walked first to a park near my place, played on the swings and chatted. Then we walked to another park and played on those swings too.

I have no doubt in my mind that he was once a force to be reckoned with. There was a practiced smoothness to his charm and a deliberate patience with the formalities of a first date. There were also signs of wear and tear, a break down of his playa-ness: He hurt his arm doing a chin up on the swing set, he accidentally bonked himself in the nuts with the teeter totter, and he was generally quite clumsy. It was his saving grace – I found it endearing, and an easy target to make fun of. We spent the evening mocking each other playfully.

I walked him to his car, and we shook hands. I said I had a nice time, he said we should do it again. Then we argued over who would call who.

It was a “good” first date – but I was still getting the NO! feeling about him.

I was away for the weekend, and he texted me on Tuesday so see if I wanted to meet at the coffee shop again on Wednesday. Normally I don’t like to seem that available, but I had a date already planned for Thursday night with Mr. Adventures, plans on Friday with friends, and would be away for the rest of the month.

The last time I’d been on a second date, Nicole Kidman masturbated at length on screen and Jack Black checked out his ball-sack in a mirror. It was minus 30 and we were both wearing parkas. I googled “second date”. I don’t recommend doing this.

We met at the coffee shop again, got drinks this time (he didn’t pay!) and then hopped in his car and went for a drive. The conversation was easy and enjoyable. At some point he decided that we were going to go on a tour of schools he’s attended.

At the first school, we played on the play-structure and warmed up to each other again.

At the second school, we played in the skate park area and then sat down for a while and talked. The bugs were bad so I sprayed us with repellent. He told me things like that he was a really shy person. I figured that was him trying to be ‘vulnerable’ in front of me, which is a classic playa-move. But I also worried that maybe he was being genuine. I was still getting the NO! feeling about him – not enough NO! to convince me I shouldn’t see how things played out, but also enough that I knew it could never be a real thang.

We climbed to the highest point of the skate park. It was dark, and the moon was mostly full. The air felt wonderful. I told him that anyone who has ever said they hated this town should spend a few minutes outside on a clear summer night. He spun me around twice and on the second spin he pulled me to him and kissed me.

We kissed a little more. He ran his fingers through my hair, kissed my neck, and moved to my ear. Then he choked and died on a combination of earring and bug repellent. I told him I was wearing boy repellent. On the way to the car he extended his hand for me to hold. I liked that very much.  

At the third school play yard we climbed the structure and kissed more in the moonlight. He tried copping a boob feel, and I brushed his hand away. He laughed, and didn’t try again. I appreciated that.

He stood under the monkey bars with his arms extended up. I approached him, placed the back of my hand against his chest. He asked what I wanted. I said that I wanted some sugar. Women around the world rolled their eyes.

On the way to the car he discovered he was allowed to grab my ass and I got a sneak peak of the manhandling I’m in store for. Excellent.

We started to drive out of the parking lot and he stopped the car suddenly and turned to me. Jesus, what now!

He told me that he wanted to be up front with me about something. I feared the worst (He’s a father? He’s religious? He’s married? Gonoherposyph?). Then he told me that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, and mentioned something about ex-gf drams. I breathed a sigh of relief and told him I didn’t want anything serious either, that it was summer and that summer was a time for fun, and that I was seeing other people.

We made a pact that we wouldn’t be douchy to each other. Perfect. I told him not to text me a lot.

He parked in front of my building. I touched his arm, kissed him briefly and grinned. I told him I’d call him when I was back in town.

He texted me a few days later, while I was on the road, to wish me well on my trip. It was a totally unnecessary, but nice check in.

I’m now back in town, and I feel SO HESITANT about contacting him! On one hand, I could really go for a non-douchy fling, but on the other hand, is it worth it? If I’m going to be seeing someone on the regular, I’d like to at least have the option of liking them fo-realsies – something that is impossible with him due to a combination of prevailing NO! feelings and his emotional unavailability. What is a girl to do!?

The Illustrious "Dramatic Reunion Kiss in the Rain" Clichée

I was lucky enough to experience one of these earlier this evening - thanks to the aforementioned return of the boyfriend, and some otherwise terrible weather. Honestly though, it was great. He picked me up and spun me, there was blind groping, amazing chemistry, and we both ended up completely soaked. It was like something out of a Nicolas Sparks book turned into movie. I recommend that everyone have at least one of these in their life. Add it to your bucket list, ladies.

It's worth mentioning that while searching for pictures of Audrey Hepburn and George Peppard at the end of Breakfast at Tiffany's, I came across this gem of a blog:

How to

It features articles on how to kiss, the dos and don'ts and what to do with your hands during. There is also a featurette on how to kiss like Spider-man, which, well, let's be honest: what girl doesn't (atleast secretly) want that?