Thursday, December 30, 2010

I am really, truely Boy Crazy


I am stealing another post from IMBOYCRAZY.com.  This one is a letter from one of her readers that she posted on her blog.  It makes a lot of sense.


Hey Alexi.

Love the blog. It’s good to read something honest.

Here’s some thoughts you may want to share online with your lady
readers who might want to know what guys think… or not. This is
what I have told my girl(platonic) friends sometimes. Less so when
I’m seeing someone. Go figure.



1. We don’t care about you diet / eating disorder / food neuroses.
It’s not interesting. It’s not quirky. It’s boring. You want to
lose weight? Do it discretely. Please don’t do it loudly at dinner.
And don’t order things and complain about how fat they’ll make you.
That just makes you look dumb and feckless. Oh, and it’s boring.
REALLY BORING. A neuroses is no substitute for a personality.

2. Yep, your ex was an asshole. We kind of want to know why, but
there’s a point where you’re just dumping daddy-rage on him. It’s
that point where you’re a total victim and he’s a total asshole.
When it gets there, it gets weird. Take some responsibility for the
relationship not working out. You’re allowed to be angry, but you
were half of the problem. (No really, you were. Go figure that shit
out.)

3. Ditto for us – if everything was our ex-s fault, we’re full of
it too. Just so you know.

4. Don’t be a victim in life. Not sure where girls learn this, but
be proactive.

5. Don’t give up on giving head or hand jobs cos your neck/hands
are tired. You’d think we’re assholes if we did the same. You
totally would. Good sex is convincing someone you’re into something
cos it’s getting them off even when your hand is aching. (this
works for boys too, I guess, but I’m never there for that / have
too much professional pride so I can’t compare)

6. That thing about obsessing over your weight / appearance again.
Let’s go back to that. Total turn off. Either be confident or fake
confidence. Sure, later, when we’re living together you can relax a
little but to be honest, if you’re obsessing like that, then you’ve
got a problem you need to work on. And we’re not shrinks. (well,
unless…). Imagine if we did it – “do I look fat?” “ugh! I’ve
gotten so fat!” “I shouldn’t eat this!” ALL THE TIME. Right?
Horrid. You’d dump us super fast. Don’t endlessly fish for
compliments. Any guy who wants to hang out with a needy woman has
issues of his own. You’ll get co-dependent of whatever, and who
wants to do that shit? Not saying you have to be superwoman, but
neediness is not cool in general, for anyone. And be afraid if
you’ve got a guy who feeds off of it – that’s a red flag there.
Dump any guy who wants to keep you weak. IMMEDIATELY.

7. The only thing that will come out of you telling us you want to
get surgery is that we’ll possibly notice what you’re trying to
change. Don’t use this conversation as a way to fish. Keep that
shit to yourself. Or your gay/girlfriends /sisters/besties. Or
until we’ve moved in or something. But don’t expect us to be
enthusiastic about it. It’s your obsession goddamit. We already
like you as you are by this point. Why are you getting all vain all
of a sudden? It’s like we moved in and now you’ve gone nuts. Jeez.
What happened to you!!? THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR
NOSE/BOOBS/LIPS. IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD. (That’s what we’ll feel,
and you’ll get pissed because we don’t understand. And we don’t,
not really. But it’s your hang-up, not ours. Own it. Don’t make us
responsible to try to shift the focus away from the fact that
you’re already beautiful but have a hang up which is nothing to do
with us).

8. If we’re trying to get you to have surgery. Dump us.
Immediately. Same if we’re trying to make you look like someone
else in ANY way. Press delete.

9. Ditto for guys who neg you all the time. Dump them right now.
Don’t read any more. Do it. Get up and send that text. Done it?
Good. Single again? Great. You deserve to be treated right. Wanna
go get coffee later and hang out? Great. I’d be completely into
hanging out with you. You’re amazing.

10. Cut us some slack with nasty jokes. It’s in our DNA, we’re
raised to be a little harsher. We make more inappropriate comments
in boy world. And if we cross the line, we can get clipped, but
boys are nastier. And you like that, sometimes. But do pay
attention to how we talk about women / our moms. Close attention.
We can give the game away right there.

11. Around the first date it’s all on us: Don’t call us (unless
you’re returning a call). Don’t go text fishing. You have to kind
of let us know you’re open to our advances (being super aloof just
looks like the same as “fuck off” to us), but MAKE US DO THE WORK.
Either you’re worth it or we’re not. We don’t always like this but
we appreciate it. After a couple of dates you can relax. This isn’t
just playing games; it’s called courtship. We call/text when we’re
interested–or not, if we’re not. Once we’re seeing each other then
we can both relax about this shit a little, right? That part is
called trust.

12. Don’t accept a first date via text. Sure, you can
communicate/flirt by text before hand – even find out schedules
etc, but we should be calling you for a first date. It’s good
manners. The invite should be a phone call. If we can’t get it
together at that stage you think it’s ever going to improve?

13. Rarely give us the benefit of the doubt. Like once or twice.
After that, you’re letting shit slide and soon you’ll be making
excuses for us. Call us out on our shit. You don’t have to go
nuclear, but if you don’t tell us what pisses you off and it
festers we can’t fix it, and you’ll get mad we’re not psychic and
then it’s game over. But once you’ve dealt with it, let it go. We
can’t turn apologizing for being late that time into a lifetime’s
work. No, really. Let it go. You’re still bringing THAT up? It was
ages ago. Really? Really….???

14. We should pay on the first (few) dates. But to be fair, you
should order like you’re paying. We want you to have a good time,
but while you’re sizing us up we’re doing the same to you. Class
has got nothing to do with money. How much we like you/you’re worth
is not connected to the value of the free food/booze/whatever.
Acting like it is is cheap. It’s not really about the money, here,
is it? If it’s cheap of us to split the check (And it is) it’s
cheap of you to take advantage. That’s no way to start an affair,
is it? (and don’t pretend you don’t ever do this. We know you
have). It’s a good rule for life – don’t sit down to any meal
you’re not prepared to pay for. That way, there’s no weird tension
except sexual frisson.

15. Don’t be passive in bed. Please. Thank you. No one wants a dead
fuck. it takes two…

16. Yeah, you’re right. If we’ve been to a prostitute or like strip
clubs too much, then it’s saying quite a lot about us and how we
view women and sex. Once is potentially an experiment – but more
than that…? (Really. How can you suspend your disbelief and
ignore that the women are only doing it for the money. How needy
would that make us?)

17. Nothing’s more attractive than a woman with a plan, a goal,
some drive. Passive girls are as boring as passive boys.

18. Girls can be curvy. Girls can have small boobs and be slim. The
sexiest girls are the ones who don’t give a fuck what we think
about how they look. WE REALLY LIKE THAT. If we don’t, then we’ve
got issues.

19. You can never fix us. If we’re douches, we’re staying that way.
You are not going to be the one. Save yourself some heartache. Not
going to happen. And the bigger the douche, the better we are at
manipulating people because we need to manipulate people cos we’re
a douche.

20. Ignore all the shit that we say and watch what we DO.

21. However you feel about us in your gut is right. And I mean
‘feel in your gut’, not ‘wish in your head’. Act accordingly. See?
It’s working out for the best already, isn’t it?

Of course, all of the above might be why I’m single, but, still….
Happy New Year Alexi.
xo

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Boys... Might Just Be Hanging in Your Past?

Remember that guy you used to work with, maybe 3 or 4 years ago? You know, the one who was on his way to being really attractive, had a winning wit and charm about him, and was maybe even smart? Yeah, the one who had just turned 18 at the time and still had the weird, bitchy high school girlfriend?


Not that Molly Ringwald was ever weird, and/or bitchy.

Yeah, that guy.

Well, I knew that guy, and at age 20 I hadn't really matured to the point at which I could accept dating a younger guy - and of course, definitely not one with the weird, bitchy high school girlfriend. A couple of years later, however, we've gotten back in touch thanks to a handy little internet tool I like to call "Facebook," and after a few weeks of exchanging posts and messages back and forth, we progressed to texting, and finally we had a nice little get-together of drinks at a local pub planned yesterday although I wasn't entirely sure whether or not it was officially "a date."


This is what internet flirting looks like.

Of course, in my current job I work with the general disgusting public and not so conveniently came down with an ugly plague-like flu on Thursday, meaning that I had to postpone. He expressed, to my glee, great disappointment and we are now not only going for drinks, but also to a local art gallery on Wednesday. This one is a date for sure. Win!


Enjoys being a GENTLEMAN. Get it? I'm hilarious.

Anyway, my point, ladies, is if you have been having trouble meeting appropriate suitors lately, think back to your crappy college job 3 years ago. Maybe there is one that you've already met. Granted, chances are that all the boys you worked with then probably still work there and have no real future, but maybe, just maybe, one of them moved out of town for a few years and got into post-modern literature, enjoys going to the theatre and being a gentleman. Maybe.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Man Repelling And The Case Of Us Not Getting Any Man Action


As I mentioned in November, two lady pals and myself have recently moved out of the homes and warm embraces of our parentals into our own humble abode.

Our place is located in the Osborne Village area of Winnipeg, which, if you are not familiar, is one of the heppest parts in town.  For serious.

We discovered shortly after our move that the neighborhood Safeway is overflowing with beautiful men around 6pm.  Obviously this means that popping in for some milk or fruit after work has become a common routine even when we don't really need groceries.  Once, when while bored one evening we even got super dressed up to go to Safeway.

We get looks, there is no question about that.  We may even get a couple of friendly smiles.  What we never get are takers.  At first we were all very much confused.  We are cute, clean, and well dressed girls.  See below:


(Ignore the men in these, they are of no consequence)


A couple of days ago K, one of the roomies and a fellow blogger, stumbled across a blog that opened our eyes:  The Man Repeller.

The Man Repeller is some chick in NY who talks about how things that give us "lady boners" are the same things that make men's junk go super limp.  This means that when the roomies and I are getting dressed to go out and ask each other how we look and we all think we look super amazing and hot we are really setting ourselves up to come home empty vaginaed.

I mean, I know it makes sense.  What guys would understand how awesome things like shoulder pads, turbans, fur hats, skull rings, epaulettes, coloured tights, and stewardess caps are?!  NOT MANY apparently!

So when we see hot guys out with their homely girlfriends and we are all like "WTF, she is so sad and boring looking!  We are so much hotter!"  we can now understand that the only reason he went for her, aside from her "winning personality", is because fashionable gals like us confuse the hell out of him and he is afraid to kiss us because he doesn't know how to do it without getting our feather collars stuck in his teeth.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The boys... don't know what to do with themselves.

Toronto is known for nightlife, 24 hour convenience stores and Pizza Pizza. These are all great places to meet boys depending on what time of day you are talking about, 2 to 4 am is prime time I tell you. However, I am apparently a shut in and this time of day is spent with cardboard, and] exacto knife and a glue gun (long story). This wasn't much of a big deal, until this cute boy I know decided to leave for a foreign country. Luckily, he left a pile of male friends in his wake for me to hang out with. Good hearty testosterone driven, basketball watching, candy eating, cider drinking men. Okay, well i never said they were particularly manly, but I am at a loss for male communication these days, as I go to school with 350 girls and 32 gay guys.

Crashing the man night has started to become one of my favorite things to do, it makes for very good male observation. This past weekend I blew caution to the wind and went out not one night, but two. Night number one consisted of one too drunken girl (me), four (maybe five?) men who can't really dance and a huge sausage fest at a bar for first year university students. The seven girls who were actually in this place were permanently attached to some goober's groin. It sounds bad, but I kind of enjoyed myself anyways. My band of sausages was terrible with the ladies. Not even one attempt, mind you, they didn't have very good chances.

Night two started in a basement with said basketball, candy and cider. I chose reese's peanut butter cups and went a little more hardcore with the rum. I had to get through at least two hours of basketball after all. These boys could have stayed down there all night, but i had trekked all the way uptown just to go back down town to go out. That and I wore a dress, so I had to make it worth it. I had really high hopes for my sausages this night, they started off well by making friends in the line. Apparently girls they went to university with, as hard as they tried these girls were more into telling stories about themselves then giving out their numbers. We get into the bar, nothing happens, it closes, we leave and low and behold, the most beautiful woman is standing outside by a newspaper stand. Obviously she was a gem, a diamond in the rough even (and i mean rough...). One of them goes to talk to her, and after a good 40 minutes, a lack of pen and some free ham and pineapple pizza, the boy got her phone number. mama was proud. I am going to teach these boys to pick up girls even if it kills me. The world needs more suave men. Girls should be wooed, not hit on. Actually, I don't mind being hit on, as long as I get a drink out of it.

the best part of my night came after my post-party burrito, when none of my sausages wanted to take me home, so I end up walking alone. Apparently I was asking to be picked up, as this man slows down his car beside me and offers me a ride. Of course I decline, because he has no candy. He must have followed me for at least half a block, until he finally asked me "I guess you like walking?" and i replied with "I just love taking pleasant walks." That got him to speed off in his champagne coloured impala.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Gone Fishin'


As I posted in the past, I decided to delve into online dating again.
I regularly get messages like this:

"I'am Joseph I really like your profile. I'am looking for a girlfriend .I read your profile and understand what you mean .I'am interested in you .late me know if we can click .Hope to hear from you soon"

"Er, hi. You seem fun and chill... do you have nice feet?" (This guy was actually pretty attractive)

"come over"

As tempting as some of these are, I am really not having much luck.

There was the one graphic designer I was messaging back and forth with and he suggested coffee and a walk but then he got busy with work crap and I stopped hearing from him.  Sad face.  He was hot and had nice broad shoulders.

Then there was the racecar driver last week.  Lots of messaging.  I got the feeling that he liked me more than I liked him.  (To be honest, I liked the attention and I need to get laid.  I have a bit of an agenda.)  He was nice and funny and he had a car.  We were going to go out on Friday night for cake.  We talked in the afternoon and he said he was excited.  We were supposed to meet at 8 but then at 6:45ish I get some crumby facebook message about how he has to help his parents pack their car for their weekend trip to that states and how he needs to pick up his sister's cat etc. etc. "I promise I'm not fibbing".  He said he wanted to reschedule.

I was miffed with the short notice.  I took the time to set my hair in curlers the morning off so my hair was soft and touchable!  I didn't respond to the message until the next morning and I told him to let me know when he wanted to hang out.

Now I haven't heard from him since.  Soooooo?

Whatever.  Obviously I am ticked that I am going to have to wait longer before getting any action.  That and I am feeling all  "He cancelled on ME?! Seriously, ME?!"

We shall see I guess.

I also recently moved out so I have this comfy sex den I need to use. 

Any takers?

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Boys Are... Waiting Tables at Chain Restaurants

GIRLS, the next time you are at a chain restaurant and your waiter is a completely adorable, (and better yet, named Miles,) charming young man who you spend a good amount of the evening eye-fucking, just go for it! When he brings you the bill, pay with credit, leave him a generous tip and write "So what's your number?" on the bottom of the receipt. Chances are, you will get a number and a smiley face on your copy.

And then everyone will think you are a hero.

NOTE: This is especially true if you are out to dinner with your 16 year old sister and your mother. That way it's more of a surprise.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A letter to the cute Australian UPS guy from this afternoon,


(Imagine this but 25 years later.
It's harder to find a picture of a cute UPS guy
than one might think.)



Thank you for laughing at my terribl(y unprofessional)e jokes about waiting for sacks of balls. I was so thrown off by how maddeningly attractive you were when I opened the receiving door that I could not think of anything sensible today. Please come back again soon so that I can further seduce you with my winning personality and charming sense of humour, because clearly you somehow enjoy it. And I think I'm in love with you.

Or maybe it's just your accent and your tawdry brown shorts.

Much love and balls,
The girl at a certain unnamed cosmetics retailer wearing really bright lipstick.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

I found some of those guys!

I may have been drinking but this is relevent.

KAY
I found where some of those boys are: Live music shows!!! Duh, what did you think I was going to say? Porn video stores?! HAH! (I would totally look in those places for a man.)

BACK ON TRACK:

I went to see Arcade Fire and although most of the dudes around me were headbanging-jock-types, there were some guys I would go down on.  There was this one guy and I was all "HIM!FUCKYES!!!" but then as I was walking to get another beer I realized that his seat was on the upper deck thing and mine was on the floor and the only way I would be able to go down on him would be if his dick was, like, a block long.  I assume it wasn't that long because he was able to wear regular pants.

I also went to see Caribou and the male to female ratio was outstanding.  10 men for every woman or something, I imagine.  And I was all, I would totally do all of these guys except for that guy with the white cross-trainers because *gag*.  And then I would try to dance but would be distracted by the men all over the place.
 
SO I have resolved that live music is better then DJs for a manhunting opportunity because men are drawn to, like, the soundswaves of legit instruments, or something.

Also, internet dating is such a bust.  I am bored because no one worthy of my time has messaged me in a day or so.  I mean, today I got a note from some guy who is just looking for the perfect girl to eat out whenever he feels like it and I kind of feel like I should help him out and be a good person, or whatever.  But I need to find a good waxer first, to be honest.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

New Rule

Okay, so I am no stranger to online dating.  I mean, as someone who is not super great at approaching strangers in real life, online dating makes meeting people easy.  I have had several accounts.  I open an account, go on a date, hate the guy, delete the account, wait a few months, re-open account.  It's my pattern.  Whatever.

Today I opened my new account and I have already gotten lots of male attention.  Quick ego boost.

Today's candidates are:

- Foot fetishist
- 44 year old creep
- Cute but drunk weirdo who wants to video chat/sexy time
- Cute but strange guy who flip flops between being funny and talking about have aggressive anal sex and the sounds his balls would make slamming against my body.
- Some guy who claims to be a Cool Jew
- And some guy who wrote me a poem about my glasses.

So far the horrible poet guy wins in terms of potential meeting-in-person material.

The frightening thing is that a couple of these guys are people who's profiles look nice and intrest-worthy.  Maybe I made a bad choice by logging on at 3am?  Although, not all of the messages were sent super late.  The foot fetish one was sent around dinner time.

New Rule: a glass (bottle?) of wine before logging in to help me deal with the frightening messages that await.

Maybe that's a bad idea...but it might give me more stories to share.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Construction Mens: The Ultimate Fantasy Come True?

I never understood the construction worker fantasy. I mean, in THEORY, sure - sweaty, muscular men doing heavy lifting - sounds great! Right?! No. Reality, as per usual, disappoints. Or so I THOUGHT.

The scene: me, entering the Bay Downtown, sad to see it in its sorry state of disrepair, a wounded old beauty being spiffed up to look like...well, like the Bay Polo Park.

The setting: the scary grocery store in the Bay basement.

The cast: Your heroine (that would be me), suddenly surrounded by dozens upon dozens of GOOD LOOKING YOUNG MEN - all wearing orange stickers identifying them as Bay Construction Mens™! Alright, so the hardhats, dusty jeans, and work gloves would probably have done that too, while only adding to their down-home, blue collar charm. I have never, never, never seen so many good looking construction boys in one place.

The conclusion: Girls - get thee to the Bay Downtown for all your construction worker needs. Take a wander through any of the many floors and you will run into them. Tell them I sent you!

Actually, don't do that. That would be weird.

In closing, I leave you with this creepy, creepy video. It's not mine, but I um...think it suits this blog well.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Only?? Boys Here Are Too ~*~*HxCORE*~*~ for Me

One of our friends has been having really good luck with the boys here this summer. Being that I was elsewhere overseas, I had been having trouble figuring out how she'd had this sudden turn of man-luck in our dingy little city until this past weekend when I learned that the secret elixir was this:



hard-core kids.



Grungy, long-haired, often shirtless but sometimes well-mannered, the headbanging hxcore is something I'm just not sure I could ever bring myself to do, (both because of my aversion to greasy long hair and my theory that they have no idea what to do with a woman - which, yes, I realize that this is probably an overexaggeration). And besides that, this photograph right here is a really good example of why not:



yeah.



But on the other hand, how many girls do you see in that crowd? It's a veritable goldmine of sausage party heaven just longing for a feminine touch. So just because I'm still too attached to hygiene and shirts (and my eardrums for that matter,) doesn't mean you can't partake in the hardcore cake. So girls, go get your hardcore boys!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Incredible Ryvolution of Ryan Gosling



By far one of the sexiest boys in Hollywood the world today, Ryan Gosling has come a long, long way from his days as an awkward (but still sexy) teen actor on Canadian produced television. Not only is he ridiculously attractive and well-dressed and a heart-throbbingly talented actor, but this former mouseketeer is also a talented musician as showcased by his band, Dead Man's Bones. Let us observe the ryvolution:


Ryan as Sean Hanlon in the Canadian teen drama??? Breaker High, c. 1997

FUN FACT: As a scrawny young boy, he was yanked out of school by his parents and homeschooled after being repeatedly harassed by classmates. When he returned to school as an older boy, several of his teachers, according to Gosling, incorrectly mistook his natural squint for evidence he was a pot-head. - The Most Beautiful Man.com


c. 1998


Remember the Titans, 2000


His notoriously sexy role in The Notebook, 2004


c. Che, 2005

AND NOW...


on the set of "untitled marital crisis project" starring steve carrell


the man is even sexy walking his dog! actually i think walking a dog is a sexy attribute of most stars.


wearing plaid, this is especially for Dukes' pleasure.


finally, playing a show at the FYF festival in LA this past weekend. guitar porn at its finest.

Michelle Williams is one lucky former Dawson's Creek star. Ungh. Where are the boys that resemble Ryan Gosling?!

Monday, September 6, 2010

The Boys!!! Turns out the boys are all gone.....


All our man friends are leaving us behind!

Toronto, Argentina, or far far east!  The fact that I can't reach you by a simple hop, skip, or jump brings tears to my eyes!

Goodbye dear friends! I will kiss your photo every night and see you in my dreams!

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Boys Are... In Krakow and London, a Photo Essay Conclusion

It's somewhat rainy Monday and I'm feeling too lethargic to write anything substantial but I have been meaning to do this and I've been home for 3 weeks already, so I'll let the boys speak for themselves this time...















The end. A huge thanks to Poland and England respectively. Now where in the world are the boys in Winnipeg at?!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Boys Are... In University Dorm Rooms (Naturally)

Since Dukes shared her story, I figured I'd share mine. It's not nearly as epic, but it's still pretty funny and not really sexy in any way at all.

I was 17, and my best friend from junior high had recently been at my house to watch a couple zombie movies and subsequently had forgotten his psychology text book. He was living in the dorms at the University at this time, so we arranged for me to bring the text book by and play nintendo-64 or whatever you do in a dorm room that's about the size of a prison cell.

Before I go on, I should mention that although we were really close in junior high, we'd somewhat lost touch throughout high school and then ended up making out (for hours, it was a bit of a disgusting display) at graduation because I thought he was moving to Ontario and never coming back. He came back. We had also gotten kind of drunk during our zombie movie marathon and made out then, so obviously I had some expectation that something was going to happen in his dorm and I thought ahead enough to get waxed just in case.

So, I got there, we played mariokart (I think?) and then decided to watch Requiem for a Dream, because it was either that or The Cube (he'd only had 2 DVDs at the time). Now, if you've seen Requiem for a Dream (if not, I highly recommend it), you know that it's not exactly the sexiest movie of all time but it's not like that matters when you're 17. We start making out, get naked, and as Jared Leto shoots up we... (I don't have a good innuendo that relates to shooting up unfortunately) on his single bed which I would fall off of more than a few times in the following months that the tryst would continue.

The boys are... IN GRAVEYARDS!?

Okay, so I have a story.  It's really the only story I've got but it's a good one.  I think...

Recently was my one year anniversary of the last time I got some action.  Like, any action at all.  A year.

As someone who has needs but is bad at making things happen, I turned to the internet for a little help.  I was successful at creating an honest profile and advertising myself, but most of the responses I got were from MUCH older men, married couples, or freaks.

One evening I checked the inbox and noticed I had received a message from one guy who was 35.  35 is 13 years my senior, but did I care?  Obviously not.
This dude was commenting on my pictures and my interests and seemed very excited that I rode a bike. 
The guy and I messaged back and forth for a while and then agreed to go for a bike ride that weekend.  He gave me his phone number and left it up to me to contact him.  I appreciated this.

I called him that Sunday night and suggested we meet up and go for a bike ride with some wine.  Maybe I was a little naive, I thought this was a nice way to get to know someone new and did not really expect it to move as quickly as it did in such a short amount of time.  He obviously had expectations. Whatever.

So we decide to meet in front of a graveyard that was equal distance from both our houses.

I got there shortly after 11 and stopped outside the gate.  After a minute or so I hear a "psst! psssst!".   I look into the graveyard and notice a figure approaching me.  I wheel my bike inside and he locks it up to his.  We sit down on the steps of a mausoleum and take a good look at each other.

If you have ever met up with someone from the internet then you are probably familiar with the type of once over that happened situation.  All you and the other person are thinking is "How closely does this person actually resemble the person they depicted themselves as online." 
Graveyard guy looked nothing like the pictures I saw.  I mean, yes, the pictures he sent me were maybe a little blurry or were taken from "artistic" angles...I would never have recognized this guy on the street.  He also had a super gay sounding voice...I don't know how else to describe it.  To give you a mental image, he looked like a plus size Jason Schwartzman but without the quirky something that everyone likes.

From the look he was giving me, I could tell that he was not interested in a bike ride.   I realized that the only way I would be able to get through this was to pop open my bottle of wine and quickly partake.  I did just that with impressive warp speed I didn't know I possesed.

He suggested we take a stroll around the cemetery.  Fine.  As he was talking I realized that I recognized his grating voice from somewhere.  I mentioned this and we quickly realized that he had been a guest lecturer in my grade 11 film class.  He really liked this, as I was able to see from tent forming in his pants.  I guess the whole Teacher And Student thing on top of the whole Strange Girl In Graveyard thing was a big turn on.

He suggested we dance.  This was so stupid. 
His idea of dancing was similar to that of a boy in 10th grade.  He proceeded to grind himself against my leg like some sort of sex crazed dog while on top of some poor dead person's grave.  I managed to convince him to continue walking.  He then got this great idea that he hoist me up on top of some giant raised tomb thing.  I barely managed to escape that one.

We finally made it back to the step of the mausoleum, him with a raging boner and me with my top half off from him pawing at me.

Things escalated from there and in front of the mausoleum, amoung the graves of those long past, he and I consummated our short cemetery romp.

I woke up the next morning with leaves in my hair and my dress on backwards. 

I had made it home by 1am and collapsed directly into my bed.  My ass and legs were a horrific sight, covered in mosquito bites that wouldn't heal for what felt like eternity.  I could barely believe myself.  I stood in front of my bathroom mirror looking at my messy self and laughing because that was an evening I would not soon forget.

I will now leave you with a song that a friend of mine sang to me shortly after I told her what had happened.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A Letter To The One Who Made Me Weak In The Knees


To The Man With The Ironic Mullet,

It could have been the hair, or the bad 70's tie, or the dirty Chuck Taylors ... you made me swoon.  You may have noticed my coworkers laughing at you, but I was melting.  I could barely contain myself when you were looking at the books at my work and I tried to strike up conversation.  I fled quickly, regretting my move immediatly.  I tried to strike up conversation with you over your choice of books, The Gas We Pass, but I stumbled over my words and looked like a fool.

I would like to see you again.  I frequent the Cavern and Lo Pub if you feel like stopping by.  Maybe once I have a few drinks we can skip out on the whole bar scene and find a nice cozy corner in an alley or something ... not to say that you're that kind of guy, just that I am that kind of girl.  Just sayin'.

So, see you around, I hope.

Sincerely,

Me

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Listen up!

Listen up potential lover boys, I have a tip:

My lovely young co-worker received a bouquet of hand picked flowers wrapped in chic zebra print paper today from her delinquent, punk rock boyfriend.  He is only 19 but knows that showing up in person with flowers makes girls melty and thankful.  This kid is smart because he probably knows that he is going to get some crazy hot action tonight.

Do this, because in the words of Martha Stewart, who is always right, "flowers are a good thing".

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Boys Are... In Toronto Pearson International Airport?

Give me a ticket to anywhere and I will miss my connection through Pearson just to sit and watch the delicious man-candy, I swear to god. So impressed.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

IMBOYCRAZY



So I am obsessed with this wicked awesome blog that everyone should read because this girl, Alexi, is full of wisdom: IMBOYCRAZY.   Seriously, read it, love it, live by it.  This chick is good looking and funny and writes about sex and boys.

On this blog Alexi writes something called The Blind Leading The Blind and it is very important that you read ALL OF THEM.  I cannot stress how important this is!  They may seem kind of jokey and whatevs at first but they may hold the key to why no one likes you.  Just kidding! (Except not really)

Here is the most recent one, please look for my commentary in the *.

the blind leading the blind (part 46)- special ‘for dudes only’ edition (part 1 of 2):

1.  confidence is key! i cannot stress this enough! an unsure, all over the place, topsy turvey, confused, weak dude is not sexy. own your shit muthah-fuckah! know who you are. if you aren’t a master of something, at least be a master at being you! Jesus!
*Duh.  Very important, shouldn't even have to be said.*

2. be creative when coming up with date ideas. you never know; if planned properly, you could end up at the driving range with a bottle of champagne or making out in a park, also with a bottle of champagne! share an epic experience that will make both your lives more interesting!
*You know those conversations that are all "What do you want to do?" "I dunno...what do you wanna do?" and they go on for forever.  Just go home.  Stop trying.   What a waste of time.  It doesn't have to be hard, above are two great ideas.*

3. fuck like you have a big dick, even if you don’t.
*This is probably the best advice I have ever heard.  You fuck like you have a big dick and I will fuck like you're someone cooler.  Just kidding!  You're OK!*

4. call her on the phone, at least SOMETIMES!!!! if you REALLY want to see her, if you really want to make sure she got your text, if you REALLY MEAN IT- call her.
*Kay, except don't call too often because then I will probs get sick of you super fast.*

5. have a job you love and are passionate about that pays you well.
*I don't care what you do for a living as long as you don't bitch about how broke you are.  I don't fucking care.  That makes me want to shake you until your brain dislodges.  Let's see you make money now, loser.*

6. dudes! stop driving with your knees! I never see girls doing this! why do you do this?! What the fuck are you trying to proves anywayz! it’s scary and unnecessary!
*This one is dumb.*

7. choose your gear wisely dudes… wisely! all it takes is some stupid pair of shoes or embroidered flappy jean pockets to make a girl walk in the opposite direction. try not to blow it before you even open your mouth! and when you do, it should be to eat her pussy! what? too far?
*This is so true!  Something as little and dirty nail beds, yellow toenails, or anything Ed Hardy is a major turnoff.  Guys need to be more savy and observant.  Read blogs or stop taking fashion advice from Jersey Shore or something.*

8. no backhanded compliments as a woo’ing tactic, but sexy sarcasm is great.
*Obviously.*

9. dudes, wash behind your ears. it smells like mildew back there! especially if you wear a hat or glasses or BOTH! YOU can’t smell it, but we can! Same goes for your privates! Use apricot soap EVERYWHERE!
*No chick wants to run into smegma or smegma-like substances.  That is some nasty shit.  Learn to shower you dirty freak.*

10. be amazing in bed! be confident, and TOTALLY eat her pussy! be a master at getting her off by sucking on her mother fucking pussy! and don’t just suck: lick, tickle, flick (with the tip of your tongue), kiss, and slowly/deeply stick your finger inside her. MAKE A WOMAN COMING IN YOUR MOUTH YOUR MISSION! IT WILL MAKE YOU VIRTUALY INDESPENSABLE AND GIVE YOU EPIC WORD OF MOUTH! i promise!
*Some girls don't like this, which I don't get.  I like this very much.*

11. size matters, but gurth is more important than length. AND IF BOTH ARE AN ISSUE, PLEASE REFER TO #10.
*Please refer to #3 as well.  But mostly #10.*

12. don’t walk around with your arms crossed. that’s some serious bad body language AND automatically implies you’re a pussy.
*Ahaha.  I have never gotten along well with anyone who does this.  This is caused by a severe case of Douchbag.  There is no cure.*


As you can see, this chick has some very sage advice to share with you.  Show this to your lame boyfriends so that they can realize all the things they are doing wrong.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Boys Are... In Winnipeg?



They come around sometimes, you just have to look for them. The rare breed that wears proper clothes to work, and matches his socks to his pants. Beware however, they are most likely to be religious and therefore more likely to be married (these people have standards after all), have questionable sexuality or a personal dresser (read: their mother). Not to put these nicely dressed men down, they are to applauded for their efforts, even if they've been fake baking.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Beach Babes?

Kay, so you know how one of the things you do at the beach is oggle all the hawt menz? WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?!

Grand Beach is tres lovely and all (except for when you're in the shallow parts and it feels like you're wading through pee because the water is so warm) but where are the attractive guys? Every single one of the guys there looked like they escaped Jersey Shore or something. And those guys two towels over who left their food unattended and the seagulls attacked it? LITTERING IS NOT SEXY! Clean up your damn mess! Just because you weren't the one who scattered that crap everywhere doesn't mean it isn't yours to deal with!

Pause and breath.

Okay so then we went to Oak Hammock Marsh and there was a shortage of guys there, as in there was only one guy there plus some oldies. The one guy who was there was OK. His prison tattoos were somewhat attractive and his butterfly net added a bit of whimsy to his outfit. I'm not really picky. He fished out a snail for me while I was critter dipping in the marsh (so fun!). I should have gotten his number. I need to not be such a dork.

Michael and I in front of the sex contraption. Michael is not the sexy black smith. Actually just ignore Michael.

Last week, or whenever (who actually cares when?), some pals and I went to Lower Fort Garry.
I learned that the fur trade was awesome, how to make walls out of limestone, how to write old tomey looking letters, and that period clothing turns me on. The black smith had on some saggy-but-legit looking pink cords and a paisley shirt. To be honest I would not have paired the two together but when he did chin-ups in the door frame and showed us the contraption they put bulls in when they attach their shoes, I almost lost it. I wanted him to put me in that giant swing-looking thing and take me right there!
I kept my cool though, because he seemed kind of bored and awkward.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Man Stalking

All my pals have left the country and are having great successes with men on their respective vacations. It sucks so bad so I decided I had to go out into the world alone to find me a man.

I frequent the Osborne Village Starbucks regularly as it is very close to work. On my last couple of visits I had noticed a man who sits in the same spot around the same time everyday. He sits there with his beard and his cap and he writes about CSS hacking (I read over his shoulder one day). He is cute and awkward and dorky and I want him.

So today I packed up my laptop and my notebook and I sat down next to his regular spot. I made sure to get there a little earlier than him. Just as he walks into the door a horrible old woman with socks and sandals sits down in his spot! He had to go sit on the other side of the cafe where I couldn't even see him!!!!

My plan was foiled.

Naomi says this is stalking but I think it would only have been stalking if I followed him out of the cafe. I should have followed him out of the cafe. I considered it.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Boys Are... In Krakow's Stairwells!

Just watch your step and try not to hit your head like I did. Seriously, how am I ever going to go back to Winnipeg?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Boys Are... In Krakow After All!

Apparently you can find them in jazz clubs. They're hip, smooth and incredibly well-dressed. If you're lucky he'll turn out to be the bassist of the band that's playing that night and then he'll spend the entire rest of the show staring at you as he plays. If you're extra lucky the night won't stop at the jazz club and will likely continue until dawn.

As it turns out, I was extra lucky last night.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Boys Are in Suits

Unfortunately, they are also in London. Truth! They all wear suits and are all better looking.

This is not looking good for us Winnipeg girls...

The Boys Are... In Krakow. Sort of? (Pt. 1)

I'm now attending Universytet Jagiellonski in Krakow for the next few weeks, and I've been scoping hard since we arrived on Saturday, but so far the possibilities are not as many as Prague. Granted, it's only Wednesday and we haven't gone out yet, so I'll be able to provide a more in-depth analysis after the weekend, I'm sure.

Thus far, however, I have met a couple of boys; one is a tall and somewhat attractive poli-sci major from Milwaukee who could be really attractive but as far as I can tell he's been wearing the same outfit since we got here: a graphic tee, hideous red basketball shorts and flip-flops. Ugh much? Yeah, I thought so. The other is my new best friend, a cute little Irish gay boy from Dublin. We met yesterday at the pub in the dorms and just clicked completely. He's been demonstrating to me how one drinks in Ireland and because I have nothing much to report on where exactly the boys are here, I'll leave you with this:

2 vodka and colas, followed but a shot of sambuca, followed by several rounds of Bacardi Breezers mixed with a double shot of rum. And then you wake up the next morning still drunk, no matter what time you're up at.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Boys Are... In Prague. (Part 2)

Somehow, there is a continuation to my last post. The following night, which would be Friday, J and I took a second trip to the 5-story Dance Extravaganza as it was our last night in town. While there, we met some Swiss gentlemen while dancing to the Backstreet Boys (all good things happen this way).

Needless to say the night ended with us leaving at 2am because we had told our roommates we were just going for a walk, (which really had originally been our intention, but you can't just walk around on a Friday night in Prague,) and the guy Julianna was with yelling:

"WHAT? YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME??"

Remember to read that in a Swiss accent, it makes it better.

Goodbye Prague, I will miss you and your boys. Next up, and hopefully soon: The Boys Are... In Krakow.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Boys Are... In Prague.

Atleast the Australian ones are, anyway.

As the title suggests, I am currently in Prague for a few days, to soak up a little culture and tradition, and of course, some boys. Now, it's a well known fact that Prague's night life is just fantastic, and last night I got an excellent taste of that, starting at Belushi's in the new Mosaic House hostel on Odboru. My travel-mate, J, and I decided to honour Canada Day properly with a beer and no real plans in the hostel's lounge, and her obnoxious CANADA shirt immediately attracted some decent-looking fellow Canadians, of the male variety of course.

These decent-looking Canadian fellows invited us along on a pub crawl, which we immediately agreed to, either because we were already somewhat drunk or but mostly because, well, let's face it: we would likely never see these boys again. To summarize the night I present to you the long, detailed synopsis I wrote K last night:

Me: i just pulled a you
3:38am K: meaning..
you made out with someone in prague?!
3:38am Me: ohhh my god
3 people
3:38am K: LOL WHAT
3:38am Me: mostly just one
AUSTRALIANS
3:39amKaari: YES
3:39am Me: AND SO HOT
jesus god
going downstairs was the best decision of my life
3:39am K: GOOD
3:40am Me: AND I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THEIR REAL NAMES
3:40am K: EVEN BETTER
3:40am Me: basically, j and i went downstairs and left k and k to shower and nap or whatever because they were being drags
3:41am K: is j fun?
3:41am Me: these canadian guys from edmonton noticed her canada shirt
yes, she's the fun one
3:41am K: oh awesome
3:41am Me: anyway we started talking to them and they were okay looking and convinced us to go on a pub crawl with them
they also had 2 friends so we got the other 2 out of bed
anyway we get back downstairs and they have more friends with them and 3 australians
which turned into several australians and 3 scottish guys
3:42am K: ha!
3:43am Me: so we do a shot on them, go outside, and they have a fucking BEER BONG made THROUGH A HOCKEY SKATE
and then they bought us several bottles of champagne
3:43am K:WHAT!?
hahahaha
amazing
3:44am Me: YEAH
so we go on this "pub crawl" that we're already an hour late for
but we catch up with it, get into the first bar for free, and there's free shots and everything
i get left alone with "cupcake" although i was already flirting with his friend "chook" (chuck?) and we start dancing and then making out
then we realize all of our friends have disappeared
3:46am Me:
so "cupcake" who i will henceforth refer to as "the australian" buys me a drink, and then we embark out into the streets of prague, both way too drunk off our asses
3:46am K: yes!
3:47am Me: and we're like "WHERE SHOULD WE GO?" "THE 5 STORY DANCE EXTRAVAGANZA OF COURSE"
which, neither of us really had any idea where we were or where we were going and we stopped a few times
then we get there, some how find his friends, "chook" and "the captain" and some other tall handsome guy they kept referring to as "ugly" on the black music floor
and then suddenly my friends pop out of nowhere too!
3:48am K: hahaha
everyone ends up there!
3:49am Me: always! amazing, btw
so long story short, well you know the rest yourself
3:49am K: hahahaha
oh boy i sure hope you ended up by the video games
3:49am Me: YEAH
EXACTLY
3:49am K: YES AHAHAHAHA

I won't personally define what happens "By the video games," but I'm sure if you're familiar with the internet you can figure that one out yourself.



So, to "Cupcake," "Chook," and "The Captain," where ever you may be, good luck and godspeed boys.

Boys in Prague rating: ***** (out of a possible 5)
Where: Belushi's in Mosaic House, 5 Story Dance Club
Notes: The good ones are easy to find and easier to catch.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I have always liked hairy men. But, like, good hair. I hate back hair. And ass hair isn't super amazing either. I mean, I like a man with a good full head of hair, some cozy chest hair, and a well manicured beard and/or mustache.





I dream of one day having a man with longer hair than my own and a delish handlebar mustache on speed dial. Seriously. I'm talking 70's porn 'stache. YUM.

OR

How about some nice, combed back, foppish hair. Like the nice singing man in this video:



He hit the nail right on the head!

Okay, okay. So in real life I am generally attracted to the ones no one else likes.

I don't even mind eye patches.

This makes me sound crazy.

Let's just say I like to keep my options open. I am open minded...

Sunday, June 27, 2010

BOYS BOYS BOYS

*BOYS*

Let us be honest. Boys are all we think about.

We can't get enough!
They make us happy! They drive us bonkers!

Ugh. So annoying.

So here it is, a blog dedicated to the boys of Winnipeg.

Those fuckers.