Friday, March 18, 2011

For the Sake of Research: The Booty Call

What you may or may not have read in this conversation between Zaza and I -which although has domestic undertones is really just about sex- was the lead up to a little research that I conducted last night. I took one for the team here, and by took it, I mean I took it hard. I went for the one and only, the booty call.Having only been on one really bad booty call, that I don't really want to talk about, I figured (after a bit of a push from the girls), that this is something I should revisit. How could no strings attached sex in the middle of the night could never go wrong, right? The only bad thing I could think of was that I would potentially be out $6 dollars for the transit fare, and even then I might be able to get him to pay for my ride home.

To start off, the booty call is a bit of an awkward thing, it usually starts as a bit of a joke or someone alludes to it, and you're not always sure if it is something that should actually be acted upon. Since in this particular instance I had gotten invited out for dinner but a) had already eaten, b) missed my opportunity, and c) had to finish my laundry, I figured that, I could just skip the good stuff and go for the even better stuff. Trust me, I am never one to miss dinner, but my god, I wasn't going to miss dinner and the no pants party.

Second, it seems kind of odd to ask directions to your booty call. It seems like one of those things that are spontaneous, unplanned and a little bit sexy-magical. It isn't something you should have to google map. Or maybe it is something you should google map because going to the wrong address isn't sexy-magical at all. The whole trekking a half hour to get laid is weird feeling; to everyone else you look normal, but they don't know that your about to have sex and you could cream your pants at any second just thinking about it.

When I got there (after getting lost and going to the wrong apartment), I was really excited to get to see this guy's man apartment. He says he'd been cleaning it up in case I decided to come over (note: this is now a very non-spontanious booty call on his end). Still, it is a full on man apartment, utilitarian crate as a bedside table, toilet seat still up and three axe scented loofahs hanging from various places in the bathroom. Unbeknownst to The Hook Up, his brother, his friends and his girlfriend come home in their St. Patrick's Day stupor. Getting high in the living room, and forcing me to have to talk to The Hook Up and his brother's girlfriend about my hometown and how she thinks I live in the worst province ever. Even worse than Labrador, which is a huge insult. Thank god The Hook Up provided me with whiskey and root beer. This conversation was getting really heated, and the booze were going to my armpits, but I couldn't take my jacket off because I had chosen to wear a completely sheer shirt with a really hot bra underneath. Normally wearing this out to a bar I would be fine, but when only a couple of people around it made me feel like I was The Booty Call, and I wasn't ready to be that yet. Yeah I am a slut on the inside, but the outside still has a ways to catch up.

Finally they left and we jumped on each other. Obviously this is what I was here to do, and damn well I was going to do it. Of course I had made the right outfit choice once he got to see it. I even wore this necklace that perfectly falls between my boobs and points at my cleavage like a little arrow. Totally subtle. There is really nothing that gets you off like knowing that you don't need to be in love with this guy. You can scream a little, and moan a lot, because there is no need to impress. You just enjoy yourself. And of course you let him do all the work, because you paid $3 to get there and had to walk up a hill.

And the next morning it's not going to be awkward, because you are going to own the fact that you just had a night of sex. The best sex ever. Because you never have to say "I love you," instead just "where's my shirt?" And when the bedroom doors that lead into the kitchen some how magically open from the breeze coming through the windows, and The Hook Ups brother happens to be standing there and sees half of your naked body, you are going to own that too, because he is jealous because his girlfriend has a bad hair cut and moans unconvincingly.

You know that staying the night is worth it when he suggests that you go get breakfast and coffee together and he takes you into that coffee shop that he works at around the corner, and you know that a) he is going to pay and b) his co-workers are going to ask about you and he is going to tell them that you have an amazing rack. Then you will forever be known as that hot girl that he hooked up with at work. And this is okay, because he is going to call you again, and then you might just end up being friends with benefits. Which as we all know is the holy grail of sex romps.

In conclusion, I am going to say that go for it girls. Getting laid is only going to attract more boys to your nest. Think of it as an investment in your sex life.

I want to fuck a bicycle courier.

I have decided I want to have sex with a bicycle courier.

I have always had a thing for men on bikes. I can't even come up with reasons why. Why wouldn't I think a man on a bike is hot? I mean, c'mon.

But bicycle couriers are different then other cyclists. If you have ever met one then you know how they are almost inhuman. The stamina is insane! Plus they yell out a lot at cars and people. They use bells or horns with aggression. They sport great tattoos and piercings. They sometimes have ironic facial hair or those silly hats with the short beak. They smell kind of musky because they have been exerting themselves all day. They have lots of keys that make an attractive jingle noise. They wear shirts they have cut the sleeves off of and shorts that they have also taken scissors to. And they are kind of wonky in the head from taking so many tumbles.

I know you can see the appeal.

I was really struck by this need to fulfill my bicycle courier sex fantasy while helping a gentleman I recognized as a courier while at work the other day. He was a giant and had ridiculous wavy blonde hair that was styled in a way that made him look like he had been electrocuted. He had a MASSIVE mouth that moved in a very animated fashion and big teeth, one of which was chipped. His clothes were ratty, his backpack was full of patches, and he made a lot of noise.

I could not stop guffawing at him and dropping shit all over the place because he kind of put me on edge.

He was shopping for a fountain pen and he chose some really ugly one with ying yangs and flames all over it. I told him he had horrible taste but managed to convince him to buy rose-scented ink for when he writes love letters.

This particular young man wasn't my ideal fantasy candidate because I think what I am really looking for is someone with more pirate-esque qualities. Maybe someone who looks like Eugene Hutz.

I may just be confusing fantasies at this point... Let's recap. I want to have sex with a crazy tattooed and pierced man who whips around on a bike while displaying pirate-like behaviors and looking like Eugene Hutz. I would also like for said man to drink lots of beer.

Wanna get naked?

I often listen to this song and sing along loudly in the morning when the roommates aren't around.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

one of us is too concerned about food

i think if i went out i could get laid
but i can't afford to get there
by who? the usual?
except he asked me out for dinner...
i know... but i had already ATE!
i would have just faked it...
but my laundry...
are you serious
food > laundry
my underwear is not cute...
it's in the washing machine though
i can't do that!!
not even for free dinner?
well i was in the shower when he texted me, and by the time i replied he had given up
not. impressed.
me either
i'll blame this on the end of term
i blame this on my lameness
you can do something about that
you don't have to be lame!
i could just go to his house
that's better than nothing
you will probably get free dinner EVENTUALLY
or breakfast
also good
even better if it involves sausage
oh, honey, it would

Muffy is now accepting fan mail.

You know life is awesome when your vagina has it's own email address.

As of today mine does.

Please send all fan mail, love letters, dick pics, etc to:

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

How to meet your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend and win.

*I must preface this with, I don't know if I would call my situation totally normal, but I feel like there is a lot to learn from it anyway. Also, he wasn't really my boyfriend, but that is a bit of another story.*

There are a few important steps you should consider before/whilst meeting your ex's new girlfriend. It's important to follow these steps, or it could be a recipe for disaster, which is fine, if thats what you want, but I am more of the passive aggressive type.

Number 1. Look at yourself in the mirror to remind yourself how pretty you are, and that what he idiot he is, because he lost out on your nice tits. Even if you don't have nice tits, I am sure you have some redeeming quality that made him want to date you in the first place.

Number 2. Stalk the shit out of her. This is especially great if you don't know her already. Find her facebook, look through all her unflattering pictures where she smiles and it gives her a double chin. Judge all of her physical attributes; she's 5'3"? no, actually she is a midget; she has a round face? more like she looks like a heifer. Just rag on her, and then invite your friends over so that they can rag on her too. Of course they will tell you how much prettier you are then her and that it looks like she has no personalty.

Number 3. Prepare. It is imperative that you look fucking amazing. She is not going to expect you to be well dressed, so you need to act all cool and not get over dressed, even though it took you three hours to find the perfect outfit. effortlesslyfuckingamazing. she can't compete with that. Since she is a midget, you need to wear your highest heels, because you have legs and she has tree stumps. You wear lipstick because she wears chapstick. When your ex sees you, his jaw is going to be on the floor and his other girl is going to notice.

Number 4. Be so nice. She can't hate you if you're nice. Be so interested, talk to her so much that she can't talk to her real boyfriend. Also, then you can find out things and use it against her. It's her birthday on the weekend? Plan it. And send her to the most amazing overly expensive restaurant that shows how much better taste you have.

Number 5. Let all of his friends whisper into your ear how much better you are then her. She'll probably hear. But it's not you being a bitch, even if you know it on the inside, she does too.

Number 6. Hug her goodbye. "It was so nice to meet you..." it's awkward, but you're in control and she has to abide by it, and fake smile, and say "yeah, you too..." Smile back big. Smile with you're eyes, like you mean it, or you're going to kill her in her sleep.

Number 7. Oh, and then you can make out with his best friend on your way home. Hey, if he gets to go home with his new lady friend then you should probably get some action too. No one likes a loser.

However, if these steps don't work for you, i fully endorse the girl fight. Just pull out her hair, it wasn't very nice anyway. Either way, you can walk away knowing that you're the better person, and that she is going to be asking a shit load of questions about you afterwards, it might even ruin their mood.

NOTE: You know it's no contest when she starts cutting her toe nails with the scissors on her pocket knife while everyone else is predrinking... no contest.


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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Spring Resolutions

Fuck New Years Resolutions.  So what if it's the beginning of a new year.  I am too busy working on my hangover, enjoying leftovers, continuing to drink to excess, and trying to stay warm because it is really fucking freezing out.  Until the month of March I am not interested in hauling ass to the gym, eating raw veggies because they have more nutrients, cutting back on my drinking (it's what keeps me warm), or improving my general demeaner.  It just isn't fucking happening.

I know that you're thinking:
1) What the fuck is this?  I don't give a fuck that you are a lazy drunk.
2) I thought this blog was about boys and sex!

I am going to ignore 1 and continue to believe that the shit I write is still totally life changing for anyone who reads.

And 2, this post is TOTALLY still about boys and sex!  I am trying to tell you how I don't have a whole lot of EITHER going on right now.

I have tried a few different solutions:

I continued to do the whole internet dating thing because it's easy to do while sitting at home in your sweatpants with a beer, and I somehow manage to convince people via the internet that I'm charming.  I've been lazy this time around though, as in I haven't been harassing that many guys because I just get bored and watch porn instead.  I did go on one "date" in January though.  The damn thing lasted 9 hours and ended with me walking home with some jizz on my skirt.  NOT to say it was a bad date but he was all  "We live so close! This is so convenient! Let's listen to records together all the time!"  and I was all  "I can dig it. Why don't I give you a blow job because I really appreciate the fact that you have the B-52's on vinyl."  And then nothing.  I was TOTALLY played.  AND I didn't even get laid.

Then I tried a super up-front approach.  This one required a shit load of vodka and resulted only in a very raw and sore throat for three days.  First my friends and I got really drunk.  Then we went out dancing at a local pub and for the entire evening I shouted "MUFFY'S HOOOONNNNN-GRAAAAAYYYY!!!" Mortal Kombat style at the top of my lungs.  Although I didn't get as many weird looks as one might expect, I also did not get any dick-in-my-vag action either.  I guess it's not that obvious that I've named my vagina Muffy.  I really should have been more explicit.  Next time.

I have also been making regular visits to both the organic market and the grocery store during high traffic hours.  People always talk about how they met each other while grocery shopping so I figured I would try this shit out.  I have yet to have any results and am considering starting to do things like holding honeydew melons up to my tits for closer examination in order to get more attention.  Either way, the man watching is good and at least I know there are some promising specimens out there.

One thing my roommates and I have discovered and put into practice a couple of times is fooseball.  At the local pub we will start a game of fooseball and men will generally walk up and join us.  We suck so far at luring these men back to our place, which is conveniently located around the corner, but at least these dudes with dish out pocket change and pay for the games.

Back to my intro of resolutions.  I'm not going to do anything drastic, like cut out drinking, but it is March now and it is starting to warm up so I am going to cut back on the time spent at home in sweat pants.  I am going to maybe throw some stretches into my routine!  Hell, I may even get a mother-fucking gym membership!

BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M NOT GOING TO DO:  I am not going to sit on my lazy ass and pine over boys.  I can't tell you how many evenings I spend having an internal debate with myself about which I would prefer: A dude to have sex with on the regular OR a boyfriend?

Who am I kidding, I will take what I can get!  Which is why I should stop thinking about it!  I have so many more awesome things to think about/do that won't put me into some self-pitying spiral and lead me to devour obscene amounts of ice cream.  I should spend more time thinking about how awesome I am, because I am pretty fucking awesome, and not in an after-school-special-learn-to-love-thyself kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-can-kick-your-fucking-ass-all-the-way-back-to-Gimli kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-can-make-shit-that-you-can't-even-dream-of kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-don't-need-that-dude-for-shit-because-I-know-I-am-awesome-at-giving-fucking-head kind of way!

In resolution, I am going to focus on being more upbeat about my sex life and work on being my own best lay.  I am also going to spend the next while imagining I am Tank Girl.

Please watch the following video for inspiration because Alexi of IMBOYCRAZY knows her shit.

ALEXI WASSER'S GUIDE TO A BETTER LIFE! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.