Spring Resolutions

Fuck New Years Resolutions.  So what if it's the beginning of a new year.  I am too busy working on my hangover, enjoying leftovers, continuing to drink to excess, and trying to stay warm because it is really fucking freezing out.  Until the month of March I am not interested in hauling ass to the gym, eating raw veggies because they have more nutrients, cutting back on my drinking (it's what keeps me warm), or improving my general demeaner.  It just isn't fucking happening.

I know that you're thinking:
1) What the fuck is this?  I don't give a fuck that you are a lazy drunk.
2) I thought this blog was about boys and sex!

I am going to ignore 1 and continue to believe that the shit I write is still totally life changing for anyone who reads.

And 2, this post is TOTALLY still about boys and sex!  I am trying to tell you how I don't have a whole lot of EITHER going on right now.

I have tried a few different solutions:

I continued to do the whole internet dating thing because it's easy to do while sitting at home in your sweatpants with a beer, and I somehow manage to convince people via the internet that I'm charming.  I've been lazy this time around though, as in I haven't been harassing that many guys because I just get bored and watch porn instead.  I did go on one "date" in January though.  The damn thing lasted 9 hours and ended with me walking home with some jizz on my skirt.  NOT to say it was a bad date but he was all  "We live so close! This is so convenient! Let's listen to records together all the time!"  and I was all  "I can dig it. Why don't I give you a blow job because I really appreciate the fact that you have the B-52's on vinyl."  And then nothing.  I was TOTALLY played.  AND I didn't even get laid.

Then I tried a super up-front approach.  This one required a shit load of vodka and resulted only in a very raw and sore throat for three days.  First my friends and I got really drunk.  Then we went out dancing at a local pub and for the entire evening I shouted "MUFFY'S HOOOONNNNN-GRAAAAAYYYY!!!" Mortal Kombat style at the top of my lungs.  Although I didn't get as many weird looks as one might expect, I also did not get any dick-in-my-vag action either.  I guess it's not that obvious that I've named my vagina Muffy.  I really should have been more explicit.  Next time.

I have also been making regular visits to both the organic market and the grocery store during high traffic hours.  People always talk about how they met each other while grocery shopping so I figured I would try this shit out.  I have yet to have any results and am considering starting to do things like holding honeydew melons up to my tits for closer examination in order to get more attention.  Either way, the man watching is good and at least I know there are some promising specimens out there.

One thing my roommates and I have discovered and put into practice a couple of times is fooseball.  At the local pub we will start a game of fooseball and men will generally walk up and join us.  We suck so far at luring these men back to our place, which is conveniently located around the corner, but at least these dudes with dish out pocket change and pay for the games.

Back to my intro of resolutions.  I'm not going to do anything drastic, like cut out drinking, but it is March now and it is starting to warm up so I am going to cut back on the time spent at home in sweat pants.  I am going to maybe throw some stretches into my routine!  Hell, I may even get a mother-fucking gym membership!

BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M NOT GOING TO DO:  I am not going to sit on my lazy ass and pine over boys.  I can't tell you how many evenings I spend having an internal debate with myself about which I would prefer: A dude to have sex with on the regular OR a boyfriend?

Who am I kidding, I will take what I can get!  Which is why I should stop thinking about it!  I have so many more awesome things to think about/do that won't put me into some self-pitying spiral and lead me to devour obscene amounts of ice cream.  I should spend more time thinking about how awesome I am, because I am pretty fucking awesome, and not in an after-school-special-learn-to-love-thyself kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-can-kick-your-fucking-ass-all-the-way-back-to-Gimli kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-can-make-shit-that-you-can't-even-dream-of kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-don't-need-that-dude-for-shit-because-I-know-I-am-awesome-at-giving-fucking-head kind of way!

In resolution, I am going to focus on being more upbeat about my sex life and work on being my own best lay.  I am also going to spend the next while imagining I am Tank Girl.

Please watch the following video for inspiration because Alexi of IMBOYCRAZY knows her shit.


ALEXI WASSER'S GUIDE TO A BETTER LIFE! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.