Monday, April 30, 2012

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Wise Words from the Kitchen #1

"If you're too drunk to hook up, just smoke some pot and drink a lot of water. At least then you're having high, hydrated sex and not pruney, dehydrated sex."

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Breaking Up, Starting Over, and Fishing.

Hello internet!

A lot has happened since my last post, whenever that was. The aforementioned long distance lover and I called it quits and I experienced my first real, gut-wrenching, sit-in-bed-sobbing heart break. I cancelled the flights I had booked out to see him (and even worse, I didn't get to see Houston!) and I sat and thought about what in the world I was going to do next, and about how stupid I felt. It sucked.

For all of a week.

My quick and much-needed rebound came in the form of a crazy ex-lover in from Vancouver to visit family for the week. The timing was perfect. I inboxed him with my current phone number, and he met me (and Zaza, Muffy, etc) for wine - we shared a litre, I put my hand on his thigh, he said "Yep." and that was that. He spent the remaining nights of his trip at my place, and I noticed that he'd picked up some... interesting sexual habits in the 5 years since we'd last been together, although that is another story entirely. He went back to Vancouver a few days later, and that was perfect too because truth be told, I was already sick of him.

Following my little rendezvous with Mission: NSA ex-sex I felt renewed - a new woman entirely. I bought a new skincare routine, I got my hair did, I felt fantastic. My roommate and I were both single at the same time for the first time in the 3 years that we've known each other. Life was going to be good - and it was. She and I, along with Zaza had decided to become really "fun" and start going to popular clubs in the City instead of our usual hipster dive hang-outs; attention-grabbing tight dresses, heels, the whole shebang. It felt amazing.

Now, the only issue with it is that I went through a bit of a dry period. When I say a bit, I mean 2 months now. That's a long time for me. I realized that it had been an awful drought last weekend, when I (drunkenly) gave my number to an exchange student who just wouldn't leave me alone at the bar last Friday. Sunday evening, looking back on Muffy's luck with online man-hunting, I started a account with the following profile:

"Headline: Acqua di Gio Need Not Apply. 

About me: I like fine wines, partying, and stomping on egos. I love Nicolas Cage movies, and I hate people that are too pretentious to admit that they watch them. Goal in life: professional sword swallower. 

If you want a serious reply, please message me with the name of the last cologne you purchased.

 ...JK! I don't like any of those things, and I really don't aspire to be a professional sword swallower - amateur at best. Well, alright, I do like fine wines, Face//Off IS a pinnacle of cinema, and clearly I think I'm funny. I'm pretty low-key, but I take care of myself, I dress well, and I like to get dolled up. I am kind of a jerk, but only in the most charming sense, I assure you. Actual interests include old movies, contemporary art, fragrances, and the Oxford comma. 

First Date: Ideally it wouldn't end with either of us slapping each other in the face and then storming off. 

 ...Or maybe it would?"

Not expecting anything to actually come of this, I was (hilariously) in awe when literally within minutes I had received 10 different responses. Were any of them worthwhile? Not terribly. By the next day, however, I had received nearly 500 views ( emailed me to tell me this) and had received 100+ responses, some who got the joke, and some who really didn't. To my dismay, not one person made a comment about sword swallowing - I really thought that would be the winner.

So far, the best stupid responses I've received are the following:

"hahaha. I wont slap u on your face. u look good. hw was your weekend" 

The extremely romantic:
"wow ur just damn cute :) Shakespare said" there is nothing more beautifull than moon" but I said u proved him wrong. so whats new going on in ur life" 

And of course, the classic:
"Hi what's up? We should fuck ?" 

Essentially, it was a bleak and terrifying wasteland of bizarre people I never saw on the street.

However, Monday night, after sharing a few litres of Sangria with Muffy and Zaza, I decided to sift through the masses and see if there was anyone worth contacting myself. After I sent a message making fun of a guy with a cat on his shoulder for pandering to the reddit crowd and naming his dog after an Arcade Fire song, and a few witty back and forths, he asked if we could move to facebook, I thought that sounded harmless enough, so I added him and we spent an hour chatting. He then asked if I'd be interested in getting coffee, I said sure, and we ended up settling on 7pm the next night.

Tuesday night we met up at a popular local coffee bar, he ended up being more attractive than I thought he was going to be and he had a firm handshake - a good start. We talked and finished our coffee, he suggested a walk. We walked for a few blocks, he suggested food. We grabbed a couple of beers and shared a poutine at one of my haunts and watched the hockey game. We hadn't yet run out of things to talk about. He suggested another walk. We walked a few blocks, he swiftly put his arm around me, saying "if you don't mind." I didn't. We neared the coffee shop we'd met at and he suggested tea. We had tea and talked until the barista kicked us out for closing time. He drove me home, we talked a bit more and asked me if there'd be a second date, to which I responded with a fist-bump. He thought that was hilarious and asked if he could kiss me, to which I said, "obviously." We made out a little in his car, and in an effort to be a classy lady (that's a lie, I hadn't shaved my legs and my bedroom was a mess,) I cut it off after 10 minutes and said "to be continued." as I exited the car.

Although it was a little bit the date version of The Never-Ending Story with less magical flying dog, I had a lot more fun than I could have ever expected I did on my first blind internet date. And, while I am completely and totally on my guard for something completely weird, he seems incredibly nice, intelligent and we have a great chemistry.

Starting over is difficult, but date #2 should be easy enough.

Saturday, April 14, 2012