Friday, November 16, 2012
One of which took place at a local historical site after having to relocate from another historical site after being too loud while being fingered and getting yelled at by some old lady.
But that's not the really good story.
This is the good story:
I was bored and was between guys and so I decided to do an experiment.
I had heard that girls who post craigslist ads get A LOT of emails and so I wanted to post one to see how many dick pics I would get. I posted a vague ad with no pictures and got just under 100 emails in one afternoon.
It was ridiculous. So many pictures of penises.
A few, like 4, of the guys seemed to be actually interesting people and they sent me normal photos of themselves so I emailed with them for a bit until the 4 narrowed down to 1 guy.
I decided I would meet this guy, who comes into my city for business trips once a month, for a drink and see how that goes. I met him at the hotel bar and we had a few drinks and decided to go up to his room. In his room he had wine and so we drank that and chatted for a bit. Eventually I got impatient so I made the first move and quickly things were starting to heat up.
After a bit of foreplay he was on top of me pumping away and then he stopped moving.
He had a pained look on his face so I asked what was wrong and he mumbled something I couldn't make out.
So I just kind of continued to lay there for a couple more seconds trying to figure out what the fuck was going on when all of a sudden he started to cry.
His tears were falling onto my boobs. He was still on top of me with his dick in my vagina. I had no fucking idea what to do!
I said "I have to go" and he mumbled something about feeling guilty because he has a wife and kids. He finally rolled off of me and sat, whimpering, on the edge of his bed while I threw on enough clothing to be decent and grabbed my shit and RAN AWAY. I finished getting dressed in the hall/elevator.
After that we had no contact. I eventually kind of forgot about it, or blocked it from my thoughts.
Until tonight. I got these emails from him:
I have been looking for you. We hooked up a while back, at the Delta...........well not much of a hook up as I chickened out after the first round. Anyway, I have been wanting to make it up to you, and to be honest, I want to have more fun with you. If you are up for giving me another shot, and you have some free time tonight, then drop me a line. I am over at the Radisson. I have a couple bottles of wine in the room and would love your company.
I hope you are up for it.
Come on, let's give it another go around. I know that while it was brief, I enjoyed every second of it. You were impressed with how deep I was able to get inside of you. Come on over for a few drinks and if you want, some fun.
With which I responded
I'm not sure if you feel like you have to prove something to me by finishing fucking me but I am really not interested. At all. I was entirely put off by our encounter and have no interest in giving it another go with you.
I am very sorry to hear that. I was not looking to make anything up to you, rather I was looking to have the first encounter that we should have had. I do apologize for how it went down. I do feel bad and wish that it would have gone better. Is there anything I can do to change your mind?
Look I was ashamed and embarrassed that I came so quickly when we had sex. That is the reason that I got scared and backed down. I am not proud of this, actually I find it down right humiliating. I am sorry that I left you with such a bad impression of me. I am truly sorry and I do hope that you can forgive me. I do wish you all the best in life and in your future. If there is ever anything I can do to make this up to you, to show you I am sorry, just let me know.
These emails were spaced hours apart, meaning that he probably spent his night drinking the wine he mentioned and writing me emails. So that's unfortunate. I am very thankful that he doesn't live here so there is little chance of me running into him.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Or am I just really weird and awkward?
But I guess he is awkward too.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Last night he started asking me for dating/girl advice, as when I broke it off with him I told him "I think that you're perfect for someone, it's just not me," and as all nice guys do, he wanted to stay friends. He's tried a bit of online dating that's led to nothing, and he doesn't really know how to approach women IRL, but he says that with his new great job, he's finding himself wanting to settle down more and more, (keep in mind, still lives with his parents. Settle in the basement? I don't know.) He's also decided that he wants to date older women. Right.
I gave him some tips, and then went to meet my friend for a few drinks. He texted me more while out, and eventually I felt that this was the appropriate response:
Me: Alright, I'm going to give you the best advice you'll ever get: IF you are going to try dating older women you're going to need to get over your fear of blood, and you're going to need to start going down on them - and I mean that honestly for your own advancement, and in no way as an insult.
Me: Not necessarily at the same time.
Him: I had 2 gut-wrenching experiences in that department, so I'm not sure
Me: In which department?
Him: Going down...
Me: So? You think your spunk tastes like jolly ranchers or something?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well, it doesn't.
Me: It separates the men from the boys. And women want men. Otherwise you may as well stick to dating teenagers.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
...where you finally getting around to sleeping with that guy from last summer and then he's like, "Btw, I know a bunch of your close friends."
and by "know a bunch of your close friends" he means he once slow danced with your (soon to be!!!!!) roommate at a junior high dance and got a boner.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I realized this weekend that I was not very honest with myself and it took a little reflection to catch on.
I spent the entire weekend hanging out with awesome people but I kept finding myself distracted but my lack of contact with D&D and I now understand that this casual arrangement is really not working for me.
I went from a relationship that smothered me to the total opposite where I felt kind of lonely most of the time. D&D is so hot and cold. Awesome when we were alone together but not so great otherwise.
And why should I settle?!
So Sunday, after I got home from a night of partying with new friends, I sat down at my computer and with determination I emailed 30+ men.
I emailed men that i thought were meh and I emailed men that I may have once considered out of my league.
I sent them all the message "Hey, would you like to grab a drink sometime?"
Within a few minutes i got a response from a guy who I wasn't super excited about but he seemed friendly and upbeat. He asked if I had any plans that night and we agreed to meet for tea in half an hour.
I had to hustle to get my cute on as I was in sweats with no makeup on...
When I showed up at the cafe he was way cuter than his pictures! He was dressed well and was really friendly and chatty right away.
We had no problem talking for over an hour and then agreed to go for a walk. Since we were in my area he let me talk the lead on our route and I directed him to a park because I have a thing for swings.
We hung out on the playground for a bit until it started to rain really hard. By the time we got close to my place/his car we were both SOAKED. Since I was damp and it was late-ish on a Sunday night I decided it was an okay time to call it a night.
I hugged him goodbye and we made vague plans to meet later in the week. As I was walking up to my house he shouts "WAIT! I have a song I recorded that I want you to hear!" Of course I agreed to listen to it and it was super cute. He also played me some other songs that one of his bands recorded and we continued talking for a bit.
Eventually we had to relocate to sitting on my stoop because the rain was coming down so hard and we ended up chatting for another hour.
In the end we agreed that he will take me out for dinner on Friday night.
I'm super pleased by this random turn of events and I'm really interested to see how things go with this guy.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
In my previous post I had mentioned that I had some summer stories. I know that so far my summer is quite tame compared to last summer (a small example), but the last two weeks have been somewhat eventful in terms of sex.
July 1st was Canada Day and so a street in my area of town was shut down for two days of festivities (ie. people get shit drunk). On the Sunday night I made sure to get proper drunk as I had the next day off work and once I started drinking I really wanted to go dancing.
I went to see some friend's bands at a local dive and I danced my face off. D&D was there and we chatted and danced together a bit and after the bar I went home to his place.
On our walk home he brought up US. I got super awkward and played coy, which was a bitchy move. ANYWAY, we kind of decided that neither of us want anything serious but that we both like each other lots and the sexual chemisty is undeniable and so we would continue this in a casual manner until it doesn't work anymore.
I am pleased with this.
He also raved about how awesome he thinks I am. (So awesome. Duh.)
The next morning he and I drive together to meet some friends at the beach. I kind of realized in the two hour car ride that he and I had never really spent a lengthy amount of time alone together with nothing to distract us and it was really nice.
A couple of days later I left for a music festival where I camped in the middle of a 24 hour party for 4 nights. It was a stupidly good time. I was D-RUNK every single night.
The second night D&D gave me some mushrooms and they made me RIDICULOUSLY horny. All that was on my mind was fucking.
I grabbed D&D's hand and we stumbled around the festival grounds trying to find a place to fuck but security people kept popping up. Eventually we found a supply tent by one of the stages that wasn't being used. We broke in and went at it amongst a bunch of children's craft supplies.
As we were leaving the tent a security person pointed their flashlight at us and we had to run away.
It was awesome.
The next night I was drunk with some friends and we danced and danced while wearing glowsticks at this giant drum circle on top of a hill. My friends decided to call it a night but I wasn't done yet. I took some MDMA and started to dance like even more of a crazy person and continued until sunrise. Apparently I looked like a retard.
I hung out with D&D the day after I got back to the city and we cuddled and drank wine.
I'm really looking forward to the super relaxed, no strings attached thing. I feel like it will be an excellent summer romance.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Unfortunately I'm off to drink beer and get laid so y'all will have to wait.
Until then, read this article that I could super relate to: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/your-summer-sex/
Sunday, June 17, 2012
You know that thing where you meet a guy through friends and go home with him on a whim? Even though you have a boyfriend?
And then you continue to sleep together because it's fun and wrong and you know that he raves about you to people and calls you "sultry"?
And then you realize you have to break it off because you have a boyfriend and it's sad and awkward and you still run into him and being just friends is super hard because the smell of him reminds you of sex so you keep getting SUPER turned on whenever you see him? And you do dumb things like bake him stuff and stay at his place till weird hours holding hands?
And then you break up with your boyfriend and reach out to the other guy because the sex was good and so was the company?
But this time the company feels different and things are kind of distant and the warmth is gone and the conversation feels forced?
But the sex is still SUPER awesome so you consider stopping that hang outs portion of the relationship and keeping the sex portion?
But then you're at the same event and he shows up with a girl that he is obviously into and follows around and when he comes over to say hi it's super awkward?
I think I need to find someone new to sleep with.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
It was long distance but things seemed to be okay. We visited each other and I felt confidant about the situation. Until I didn't anymore.
And I "had an affair" with a man I will call D&D.
I basically wrote the affair thing off as me just being bored and lonely, but quickly realized that the relationship with Hot Air Balloon guy was not working.
And then I really knew it had to end when he told me he loved me and I panicked. So it's over.
It didn't take long for me to reach out to D&D. I was unsure if he would be interested as I totally hurt his feelings before too because I'm some sort of monster. Thankfully he seemed keen on seeing me again and this past weekend he took me out for dinner and then came back to my place for the most amazing sex I've had maybe EVER.
Like, I came so hard I almost cried/died.
He spent the night and hung out with me until early afternoon the next day.
I'm hoping to see him again this weekend. He's sort of strange, but in a mostly good way.
Friday, May 18, 2012
My mom hooked me up with the blog Apron & Heels because she wanted to share a recipe for Morning after Creme Brulee French Toast.
The recipe sounds amazing so I scrolled through the rest of the blog and immediately fell in love when I noticed that all the recipe names and blog titles were super cute and the author alludes to cocks and stuff in the recipes. Plus it has some retro fashion stuff too.
WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE?!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
"If you're too drunk to hook up, just smoke some pot and drink a lot of water. At least then you're having high, hydrated sex and not pruney, dehydrated sex."
Thursday, April 26, 2012
A lot has happened since my last post, whenever that was. The aforementioned long distance lover and I called it quits and I experienced my first real, gut-wrenching, sit-in-bed-sobbing heart break. I cancelled the flights I had booked out to see him (and even worse, I didn't get to see Houston!) and I sat and thought about what in the world I was going to do next, and about how stupid I felt. It sucked.
For all of a week.
My quick and much-needed rebound came in the form of a crazy ex-lover in from Vancouver to visit family for the week. The timing was perfect. I inboxed him with my current phone number, and he met me (and Zaza, Muffy, etc) for wine - we shared a litre, I put my hand on his thigh, he said "Yep." and that was that. He spent the remaining nights of his trip at my place, and I noticed that he'd picked up some... interesting sexual habits in the 5 years since we'd last been together, although that is another story entirely. He went back to Vancouver a few days later, and that was perfect too because truth be told, I was already sick of him.
Following my little rendezvous with Mission: NSA ex-sex I felt renewed - a new woman entirely. I bought a new skincare routine, I got my hair did, I felt fantastic. My roommate and I were both single at the same time for the first time in the 3 years that we've known each other. Life was going to be good - and it was. She and I, along with Zaza had decided to become really "fun" and start going to popular clubs in the City instead of our usual hipster dive hang-outs; attention-grabbing tight dresses, heels, the whole shebang. It felt amazing.
Now, the only issue with it is that I went through a bit of a dry period. When I say a bit, I mean 2 months now. That's a long time for me. I realized that it had been an awful drought last weekend, when I (drunkenly) gave my number to an exchange student who just wouldn't leave me alone at the bar last Friday. Sunday evening, looking back on Muffy's luck with online man-hunting, I started a POF.com account with the following profile:
"Headline: Acqua di Gio Need Not Apply.
About me: I like fine wines, partying, and stomping on egos. I love Nicolas Cage movies, and I hate people that are too pretentious to admit that they watch them. Goal in life: professional sword swallower.
If you want a serious reply, please message me with the name of the last cologne you purchased.
...JK! I don't like any of those things, and I really don't aspire to be a professional sword swallower - amateur at best. Well, alright, I do like fine wines, Face//Off IS a pinnacle of cinema, and clearly I think I'm funny. I'm pretty low-key, but I take care of myself, I dress well, and I like to get dolled up. I am kind of a jerk, but only in the most charming sense, I assure you. Actual interests include old movies, contemporary art, fragrances, and the Oxford comma.
First Date: Ideally it wouldn't end with either of us slapping each other in the face and then storming off.
...Or maybe it would?"
Not expecting anything to actually come of this, I was (hilariously) in awe when literally within minutes I had received 10 different responses. Were any of them worthwhile? Not terribly. By the next day, however, I had received nearly 500 views (POF.com emailed me to tell me this) and had received 100+ responses, some who got the joke, and some who really didn't. To my dismay, not one person made a comment about sword swallowing - I really thought that would be the winner.
So far, the best stupid responses I've received are the following:
The extremely romantic:
And of course, the classic:
Essentially, it was a bleak and terrifying wasteland of bizarre people I never saw on the street.
However, Monday night, after sharing a few litres of Sangria with Muffy and Zaza, I decided to sift through the masses and see if there was anyone worth contacting myself. After I sent a message making fun of a guy with a cat on his shoulder for pandering to the reddit crowd and naming his dog after an Arcade Fire song, and a few witty back and forths, he asked if we could move to facebook, I thought that sounded harmless enough, so I added him and we spent an hour chatting. He then asked if I'd be interested in getting coffee, I said sure, and we ended up settling on 7pm the next night.
Tuesday night we met up at a popular local coffee bar, he ended up being more attractive than I thought he was going to be and he had a firm handshake - a good start. We talked and finished our coffee, he suggested a walk. We walked for a few blocks, he suggested food. We grabbed a couple of beers and shared a poutine at one of my haunts and watched the hockey game. We hadn't yet run out of things to talk about. He suggested another walk. We walked a few blocks, he swiftly put his arm around me, saying "if you don't mind." I didn't. We neared the coffee shop we'd met at and he suggested tea. We had tea and talked until the barista kicked us out for closing time. He drove me home, we talked a bit more and asked me if there'd be a second date, to which I responded with a fist-bump. He thought that was hilarious and asked if he could kiss me, to which I said, "obviously." We made out a little in his car, and in an effort to be a classy lady (that's a lie, I hadn't shaved my legs and my bedroom was a mess,) I cut it off after 10 minutes and said "to be continued." as I exited the car.
Although it was a little bit the date version of The Never-Ending Story with less magical flying dog, I had a lot more fun than I could have ever expected I did on my first blind internet date. And, while I am completely and totally on my guard for something completely weird, he seems incredibly nice, intelligent and we have a great chemistry.
Starting over is difficult, but date #2 should be easy enough.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Today, while browsing some awesome articles I came across THIS LIST. 20 Shameful Secret Single Girl Behaviors that We're Proud To Admit To.
I really do 99% of these, even though I have roommates and I'm not really single (he just doesn't live in the same city as me). And, really, the list applies to both genders.
Let me post it here so your convenience.
20 Shameful Secret Single Girl Behaviors That We’re Proud To Admit To
1. Playing Tetris on the iPhone while watching “The Real Housewives” on TV. Obviously, this is about conflict resolution. “The Real Housewives” marathon is the conflict. The Tetris marathon is the resolution.
2. Making salad in a giant wooden bowl and using the bowl both for prep and eating to avoid washing an extra dish. It might look stupid. But the two minutes saved on washing extra dishes is worth it.
3. Rinsing dishes instead of using actual soap. Speaking of dish doing … soap is overrated when you’re the only person who uses your dishes. Bask in your own germs.
4. Same for hand washing after using the bathroom. Waste of hand soap!
5. Eating straight out of the fridge or in bed with the laptop. If you’ve recently wiped down your regular eating area, it’s dumb to get it dirty by taking yet another meal there … alone. Skip the kitchen and go straight from fridge to bed,
6. Drinking straight from the bottle. Drink Diet Coke straight from the plastic liter. Wine straight from the bottle. Milk straight from the carton.
7. Smushing the trash down further, to fit more garbage in, instead of taking it out. It doesn’t matter if your apartment smells like rotting spinach if you’re the only one who has to smell it. A candle or some room spray will cover that shit right up and you’ll live another day without having to go down four flights of stairs to the dumpster.
8. Spilling something on the counter and brushing it onto the floor. Coffee grinds, cereal crumbs,pistachio shells, all of it belongs on the kitchen floor where it blends into the ugly linoleum and gets stuck to the bottom of your fuzzy socks.
9. Wearing the same pair of socks multiple times. And even if the bottoms of those fuzzy socks are covered in coffee grounds, you can put off washing them for a while. A long while.
10. Using a towel for a really long time without washing it. Same goes for that face towel you’ve been using in the bathroom. You can flip it up to four times before every surface is covered in your mascara.
11. Boogers don’t really need to go in tissues. Boogers also can be wiped on walls, under beds, in the carpet. Boogers also like to be flicked. But don’t eat boogers. That’s truly gross.
12. Waiting to buy TP until you’ve used every scrap of paper towel and napkin in the house. Boogers especially don’t go in tissues if you’ve been putting off your toilet paper run for a while. Because tissues are the same as toilet paper. Duh.
13. Leaving clumps of hair in the hairbrush. As long at the bristles still run through your hair, you’re in business, Betty,
14. Taking a hell of a lot longer to wash period blood stained sheets than we care to admit. But, what the hell? We’re admitting it now. There is something comforting about sleeping in one’s own period stain. Reminds you that you’re still fertile, even if no one is “tapping that.”
15. Eating potato chips and onion dip for dinner. Tastes better if eaten at the fridge or in the bed with the laptop. We recommend following that up with pretzels dipped in peanut butter and Nutella for dessert. An entire meal without dishes!
16. Sleeping with a teddy bear. His name is Ralph. So what?
17. Cupping our bare breasts or vagina while watching TV. It just feels right.
18. Eating two dinners because the first one wasn’t very good so it didn’t really count. This will be highly unlikely if you ate potato chips and onion dip for dinner. That shit is satisfying.
19. Taking Myspace-style self portraits in the bathroom mirror. It’s important to commemorate these special single moments. Like celebrating an entire day of not using dishes or utensils. Or beating your own Tetris high score while watching “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” Reunion Special.
20. Listening to the same song on loop for five to six days in a row. And it doesn’t matter if it’s something uncool like Soul II Soul’s “Back to Life.” Your plants won’t mind one bit.
Friday, March 23, 2012
So I've suddenly found myself in the midst of a long distance relationship.
How it happened, I have no idea. I guess I just kind of fell into it.
Y'all may remember Hot Air Balloon guy from last year... well that's who.
I have to say, it's been very trying as I am a massively physical person.
We have visited each other and as hard as it is to be apart, the sex when we finally see each other is AMAZING.
Now that we are growing more and more comfortable around each other he is happy to fart in front of me. This is great, whatever. I'm glad he feels comfortable and the farting doesn't bother me really.
What DOES bother me is that as chill as I am about his farting and as chill as I'm sure he would be I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO FART IN FRONT OF HIM. This drives me CRAZY.
I'll think I'm fine and that all is great and that there is no reason for me to be weird about it but when it comes down to doing it I panic and try to surpress it or I hide the sound of it and pretend it's not happening.
I just know that one day when I am surpressing it, it's going to be too loud and my pinched butt cheeks are going to turn it into some weird trumpet noise.
Friday, January 13, 2012
From what I can tell, this woman holds all the knowledge.
Please read an excerpt below:
Friday, January 6, 2012
But then I actually had something like intercourse with one and I realized my mistake.
It all started when one young man emailed me on OkCupid. He was 21 and I am 24 and although the difference is years is not large, the difference in technique is very much apparent.
I am sure that there happen to be young men who are very good at sex, but this guy was not one of them.
We first met over drinks and when I saw him I was very disappointed by his choice in clothing but I knew he had come right from work so I held my tongue.
He was very confidant, which is a turn on, but he didn't really strike me as someone I would really make an effort to see again.
After Christmas I was bored so I agreed to meet him again and we spent the afternoon hanging out near my apartment. Again he dressed like shit and I chewed him out for it.
I admit I am superficial and care about clothing choices more than most people, but I generally don't give people shit for what they wear. He showed up FOR A DATE wearing dirty black jeans and an oversized hoodie.
And yet, I still had him back to my place?
He actually invited himself over, and I think I dug that... I have no idea. I was also horny as fuck.
I actually had myself convinced that he would come over and we wouldn't do anything but hang out. But then we were making out and in my head I was telling myself that I would ONLY take my top off. But then I had my bra off. And then my pants. And then I was naked...
This first encounter included no penis-in-vagina intercourse, it was all making out and hands and mouths.
He was amazing with his hands! And then he was even more amazing with his mouth! And when it got so intense I tried to squirm away and he growled and grabbed me and dragged me back towards him.
And then he used his hands again and he made me cum so hard I had my first experience with female ejaculation!
This is why this post was almost called In Praise of Younger Men. But then he came over again the other night and we had sex...
Now, I can understand that sex is one of those things you can improve on, and I would certainly love to help him do that if I was actually interested in persuing anything with him. But I was clear that this was a sex thing, and so it makes no sense for me to continue with it if the sex is shit.
Foreplay was great, as with before. I wanted him on top and he pre-warned me that he wouldn't last as long on top. I figured that it would be okay and he was probably just nervous.
He layed down on me so our entire torsos were touching. He couldn't figure out if he was in or not. He talked SO MUCH to the point where I had to tell him to shut the fuck up. He did not pump, he wiggled. He had no leverage. He came in 3-4 minutes.
I was gracious and laughed it off and then made sure he did a good job on me before leaving.
He did an excellent job with his hands but it didn't make up for the terrible sex.
He's been texting me constantly and I've been giving minimal responses. I've lost interest and feel no draw.
My co-worker said I'm like a dude. I get bored once they put out.