Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The boys... don't know what to do with themselves.

Toronto is known for nightlife, 24 hour convenience stores and Pizza Pizza. These are all great places to meet boys depending on what time of day you are talking about, 2 to 4 am is prime time I tell you. However, I am apparently a shut in and this time of day is spent with cardboard, and] exacto knife and a glue gun (long story). This wasn't much of a big deal, until this cute boy I know decided to leave for a foreign country. Luckily, he left a pile of male friends in his wake for me to hang out with. Good hearty testosterone driven, basketball watching, candy eating, cider drinking men. Okay, well i never said they were particularly manly, but I am at a loss for male communication these days, as I go to school with 350 girls and 32 gay guys.

Crashing the man night has started to become one of my favorite things to do, it makes for very good male observation. This past weekend I blew caution to the wind and went out not one night, but two. Night number one consisted of one too drunken girl (me), four (maybe five?) men who can't really dance and a huge sausage fest at a bar for first year university students. The seven girls who were actually in this place were permanently attached to some goober's groin. It sounds bad, but I kind of enjoyed myself anyways. My band of sausages was terrible with the ladies. Not even one attempt, mind you, they didn't have very good chances.

Night two started in a basement with said basketball, candy and cider. I chose reese's peanut butter cups and went a little more hardcore with the rum. I had to get through at least two hours of basketball after all. These boys could have stayed down there all night, but i had trekked all the way uptown just to go back down town to go out. That and I wore a dress, so I had to make it worth it. I had really high hopes for my sausages this night, they started off well by making friends in the line. Apparently girls they went to university with, as hard as they tried these girls were more into telling stories about themselves then giving out their numbers. We get into the bar, nothing happens, it closes, we leave and low and behold, the most beautiful woman is standing outside by a newspaper stand. Obviously she was a gem, a diamond in the rough even (and i mean rough...). One of them goes to talk to her, and after a good 40 minutes, a lack of pen and some free ham and pineapple pizza, the boy got her phone number. mama was proud. I am going to teach these boys to pick up girls even if it kills me. The world needs more suave men. Girls should be wooed, not hit on. Actually, I don't mind being hit on, as long as I get a drink out of it.

the best part of my night came after my post-party burrito, when none of my sausages wanted to take me home, so I end up walking alone. Apparently I was asking to be picked up, as this man slows down his car beside me and offers me a ride. Of course I decline, because he has no candy. He must have followed me for at least half a block, until he finally asked me "I guess you like walking?" and i replied with "I just love taking pleasant walks." That got him to speed off in his champagne coloured impala.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Gone Fishin'

As I posted in the past, I decided to delve into online dating again.
I regularly get messages like this:

"I'am Joseph I really like your profile. I'am looking for a girlfriend .I read your profile and understand what you mean .I'am interested in you .late me know if we can click .Hope to hear from you soon"

"Er, hi. You seem fun and chill... do you have nice feet?" (This guy was actually pretty attractive)

"come over"

As tempting as some of these are, I am really not having much luck.

There was the one graphic designer I was messaging back and forth with and he suggested coffee and a walk but then he got busy with work crap and I stopped hearing from him.  Sad face.  He was hot and had nice broad shoulders.

Then there was the racecar driver last week.  Lots of messaging.  I got the feeling that he liked me more than I liked him.  (To be honest, I liked the attention and I need to get laid.  I have a bit of an agenda.)  He was nice and funny and he had a car.  We were going to go out on Friday night for cake.  We talked in the afternoon and he said he was excited.  We were supposed to meet at 8 but then at 6:45ish I get some crumby facebook message about how he has to help his parents pack their car for their weekend trip to that states and how he needs to pick up his sister's cat etc. etc. "I promise I'm not fibbing".  He said he wanted to reschedule.

I was miffed with the short notice.  I took the time to set my hair in curlers the morning off so my hair was soft and touchable!  I didn't respond to the message until the next morning and I told him to let me know when he wanted to hang out.

Now I haven't heard from him since.  Soooooo?

Whatever.  Obviously I am ticked that I am going to have to wait longer before getting any action.  That and I am feeling all  "He cancelled on ME?! Seriously, ME?!"

We shall see I guess.

I also recently moved out so I have this comfy sex den I need to use. 

Any takers?

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Boys Are... Waiting Tables at Chain Restaurants

GIRLS, the next time you are at a chain restaurant and your waiter is a completely adorable, (and better yet, named Miles,) charming young man who you spend a good amount of the evening eye-fucking, just go for it! When he brings you the bill, pay with credit, leave him a generous tip and write "So what's your number?" on the bottom of the receipt. Chances are, you will get a number and a smiley face on your copy.

And then everyone will think you are a hero.

NOTE: This is especially true if you are out to dinner with your 16 year old sister and your mother. That way it's more of a surprise.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A letter to the cute Australian UPS guy from this afternoon,

(Imagine this but 25 years later.
It's harder to find a picture of a cute UPS guy
than one might think.)

Thank you for laughing at my terribl(y unprofessional)e jokes about waiting for sacks of balls. I was so thrown off by how maddeningly attractive you were when I opened the receiving door that I could not think of anything sensible today. Please come back again soon so that I can further seduce you with my winning personality and charming sense of humour, because clearly you somehow enjoy it. And I think I'm in love with you.

Or maybe it's just your accent and your tawdry brown shorts.

Much love and balls,
The girl at a certain unnamed cosmetics retailer wearing really bright lipstick.