Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Problems With Having Zero Self Control

I always knew I had zero self control.

I never have to re-cork a bottle of wine because I will polish it off.
I never have any chocolate on hand because I scarf it as soon as it enters the house.
I never get anything done on my days off because I spend the whole time with my hands between my legs.
And the list goes on.

This weekend was an excellent example of my terrible control. I knew I was going to get laid on Saturday night by a guy I kind of liked and yet I went out and fucked a different guy on Friday night. And then I had another guy over on Monday night. And I tried to get laid again on Wednesday night.

Monday night:

After my marathon weekend of sex I had Guy#2 come over Monday evening after work.

Why? Because I could. And because I knew he would show up and get me off.

This makes me look gluttonous, which I am. I won't deny this fact. But i am also callous.

I hurt Guy#2's feelings and I knew I would. I knew exactly what I was doing.

Here is what went down:

I was sitting on my front stairs having a cigarette when he walked up. He sat down next to me and we chatted for a bit.

I had my cell phone next to me but I thought I had put my pack of cigarettes on top of it so the screen was covered. I had been texting Hot Air Balloon and I didn't really need Guy#2 to know. All of a sudden Guy#2 asks me if I am seeing anyone else, and I was honest and replied that I had been kind of seeing someone and things had escalated quickly but that he had moved away.

I later realized that he had asked me this because I he had seen that I got a text from Hot Air Balloon. Way to go, Muffy.

While catching up with Guy#2 I found out that his nephew died this weekend and that he had been kicked out of his brother's house, where he had been living. So he was obviously not well from the get go, and I did nothing to improve his state.

We went up to my room and fucked and it was alright. Not as good as before.

Afterwards we were lying in bed and he told me that he had never had a just sex thing before. He only had sex with girls he had dated and he seemed to feel a little weird about it. He made a joke about it being sinful.

I told him that this was all I did, that I have not had a boyfriend before.

And then he told me why that is. He broke it down exactly. He told me I have a severe fear of commitment. True. That I have seen so many relationships close to me fall apart. True. That I have trust issues. True. And that I have built walls around myself to protect myself from getting hurt and that some guy is going to fall in love with me and have to break these down. True.

I told him that I feel sorry for that poor bastard, whoever he may be.

And then we had an awkward moment of eye contact and he looked sad.

He asked me about Hot Air Balloon and how serious we were. I said not very as it had only been a week and a half. He asked if I had wanted to get serious with him and I said that yeah, I think it would have happened if he hadn't left.

Then there was silence. I wanted to tell him that if this was hurting him then we should stop. I wanted to be upfront and tell him to stop texting me because it is not good for him.

But I didn't say anything.

Then he went on about how his wisdom teeth hurt and he was going to go for a walk to get painkillers and a coffee. I asked if he wanted me to come and he said no but asked if I wanted anything.

As soon as we walked out of my room neither of us said anything to the other.

He walked out my front door and we didn't kiss, hug, or say goodbye. Nothing.

After he left I was kind of confused about it he was coming back or not. He didn't. I don't blame him.

Wednesday Night:

After I left work yesterday I noticed none other than Old Guy sitting on the pub patio across the street. I stopped dead in my tracks. I creamed my pants. I started to quiver. I almost lost my shit.

He looked FINE. Perfect. Pure sex. It was insane. His hair was amazingly coiffed. His jeans cuffed just so. And his tattoos just peeking out from the collar and cuffs of his shirt.

I needed to take action. Do something. BUT WHAT.

I crossed the street a little further down. Took off my sweater, fluffed my hair, tightened the belt cinching my waist, and I pulled all my swagger from within. And I STRUT my shit for all I was worth. I STRUT right past him and his buddies. I held my head high, stuck out my tits and ass, swayed my hips, and shook out my hair.

I probably looked ridiculous, but I didn't give a shit. I looked cute and I knew it. I had been getting compliments all day on my hair and outfit, and I know I looked hot. And I know he saw me. And I know my ass caught his attention.

Then I walked the rest of the way home, vibrating from being so close to him.

When I got home I frantically tried to find someone to go for a beer with me at the same pub. No one was available. I didn't know what to do to establish contact with him again.

So I picked up my phone. I couldn't remember if I still had his number or not.



What to say?! Something smart, cute, funny, sexy....

What did I send?

"Hey it's *******, I just saw you at the Toad and had to come home to change my panties. Are you up to anything later?"

Not quite the work of art I had planned.... but it was sent.

I didn't hear back until this morning. "I looked like pooo"

I didn't respond. I think he wanted me to fan his ego, but I refused. I figure, I am just going to own the text I sent him. If it comes up I will not be ashamed of the fact that he turns me on.

What I am kind of hoping will happen is that now he knows I am still interested in his cock so maybe he will suggest a meet up. I am not going to suggest anything. Imma leave the ball in his court and if he is interested then great. Otherwise, whatever.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Little Italy, Big Stallion

At some point this summer Muffy got be back on the internet dating band wagon and she insisted that it was something I pursue once I go back to school. However, I only really get into it when I am drunk or lonely or a combination of the two. Saturday night I was sitting on my couch thankful that 13 Going on 30 was on so that I had something decent to occupy my time with, but I log on anyways. I don't want to sound vain or anything, but I get my fair share of messages, but so many are "whats up? hows your weekend going cutie?" (and really if their spelling was that good I might actually reply to them). So I ignore a huge majority of them. There is also a feature on the website where you can chat, but I pretty much ignore anyone who just starts chatting with me without sending me a message first.

However, I hear the little *bing* of an incoming chat message; I look at the profile before accepting, he seems decent, so we start talking. We don't talk about anything spectacular, but after a while of chatting on and off I agree to meet him for sushi (because thats the best activity to show how big your mouth is) on sunday night.

All day sunday I can't concentrate because I am thinking that I might just get laid! Woo! Or alternatively  I am meeting up with a killer who will most likely be coming to my house afterwards to stab me with a cleaver.

I clean up my apartment, shave my legs and all that good stuff. I actually try on different outfit options. What is with me, I always know what to wear!

We are supposed to meet at 7, but he texts me at 6 or so saying that he was running late and to make it 8, no biggie. At 7:45 I walk over to the liquor store to get some wine (its closed) and I get another text saying he was going to be there at 8:15. UGH. Fine, I am still trying to be cool with this. I pretty much have to sit around outside by myself for a while so I am not sitting alone in a restaurant. Finally I go, I end up waiting for him for another 40 minutes. I spend all this time texting my girls bashing someone I haven't even met yet.

I contemplate leaving, but I had ordered an iced tea and all I had was a $20 so I didn't want to deal with actually talking to the waitress and getting change.

Finally he shows up, he is cuter than his picture, which is pretty much unheard of. He apologizes for being late, but doesn't really give much of a legitimate reason. We order, and we talk, he is good at asking questions and being interested in my life instead of just talking about himself. He had just finished his Masters in Engineering the week before but he had gone to my university for his undergrad.

He is a little bit older than I am, 28 to my 23, but he has a really nice smile and perfect teeth, so that makes everything okay.

We decide to walk through his old campus to see if anything has changed. Its dark out, but warm and its not super romantic because I can't tell if he is that into me.

Finally I feel comfortable inviting him over. We sit on my terrible couch which does not lend well to eye contact. But we talk. And we talk. We have a music battle. We talk about everything. My mother calls, but I ignore it. We have no wine to hinder our judgement, so we just keep talking. I offer him a brownie that I had made, and then finally, at 3am he puts the moves on.

I had always thought that when romance novels talked about "pillowy lips" that it was one of the most ridiculous things ever. Now I get it.

In the summer the girls and I talked about who was our best kiss, and now I have changed my mind.

This man is a real bonified Italian Stallion.

My apartment was so hot, I had even turned the air conditioning on, but it wasn't helping enough. He was on top of me radiating heat and if I closed my eyes it was almost like making out with an Italian on a beach in Italy.

He took off my shirt, I took off his.

Then he goes for the pants. But I stop him. For some reason that is somewhat unbeknownst to me I tell him that I really want to do it but I think we should wait. Honestly, it was kind of empowering. We go on making out like we are in an CK jeans ad with nothing but denim on. Eventually it gets hot and heavy enough that he can satisfy himself with all of the dry humping that we're doing.

We slow down and we talk, and compliment each other, make plans to see each other again. He keeps on kissing me all over. It's almost too romantic for someone I just met. But also kind of fantastic. Yeah, I am super sappy okay, but it was really NICE, and nice things don't happen all that often...

I'll let you know what happens friday!

NOTE: Okay, so everything I said seems pretty hunky-dory, but I forgot to mention that because it was so hot, some of his chest hair stuck to my boobs and made me look like I had really hairy nipples. This was probably one of the least attractive things that has ever happened to me while not even having sex.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Lurkin' with my merkin

Muffy's tired!

I have had a very busy weekend. I am sore, exhausted, and content.

Friday night I was ready to have a calm evening at the pub listening to a local band and relaxing with friends. Cut to two hours later when I find myself on the roof of a massive, heritage apartment building, champagne bottle in hand and friends at my side, sitting on the ledge of the roof with my feet dangling over as I watch the bustle of the late night bar crowd.

It was obviously the start to a fun evening.

We did make it to the pub, but I was much more drunk than I had planned.

I hadn't really paid much attention to the men at the show. I was enjoying being in my own little world, dancing by myself. Then a friend of a friend struck up conversation with me. He was cute. Dark hair, good shoes, and an accent I couldn't peg. Turns out he was from Turkey. He was interesting and funny. We were interrupted by two other friends who wanted to introduce me to a man who wanted to be an electrician, something we share in common.

This guy was really cute. He had wild, curly, floppy hair, a goofy smile, and a prince t-shirt on. He and I chatted for a little while until the band's second set started.

During the set the Turkish guy kept trying to have a conversation with me but I was too busy dancing and checking out the Floppy Haired guy, who was returning my interested looks.

By the time the band was finished playing my friends had all left and I was standing between the Turkish guy and the Floppy Haired guy waiting to see what would happen next. The Turkish guy left to use the washroom and right away the Floppy guy and I turned to each other.

He asked me what I was doing next and I told him I had no plans. He asked if I wanted to go to his place and watch Dallas and listen to Prince. This was obviously an offer I could NOT turn down.

We passed the Turkish guy on the way out and I gave him a smile and a shrug. Maybe next time.

We never did watch Dallas, of course.

We went to his bedroom and went at it until his neighbor was banging on the wall. We relocated to the living room. He put on Prince and sang it to my vagina as he was eating me out.

We realized that the couch really did allow us the room we needed so we decided to go back to the bedroom, where I was officially crowned Queen Hoover, Master of Blowjobs.

He announced that I was going to call in sick to work the next day so we could spend the whole day fucking. Then we finally fell asleep at 6am.

We didn't sleep long. I had to get up to call into work and then we both downed some alka seltzer and got back to business.

Eventually I left in the early afternoon. He seemed disappointed that I wasn't going to spend the entire day in bed with him, but I had to get home to shower and get ready to see Hot Air Balloon guy that evening. He sent me on my way with breakfast to-go: a juice box of orange juice.

Hot Air Balloon picked me up at seven for dinner. After dinner we went for a short walk and then he decided he wanted to take me to his place, which is on the other side of the city. I actually had the next day off work, so I was up for anything.

When we got to his place we watched a few episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and laughed our asses off. I eventually got bored watching TV so I hopped on his lap and made things a little most interesting.

In no time I had my dress off and was leading him to his bedroom.

The last time we fucked it was sort of clumsy and he was nervous. This time he knew exactly what he was doing, and he did it very well. Extremely well. It was amazing. He knew when to be gentle and when to be a little rough. Holy crap. I feel bad for having so much doubt about him.

I spent the night, although we didn't really sleep.

Then this morning he dropped me off at home and left town for work. Will I see him again? I hope so.

As awesome as the weekend was, I am a wreck now. I am speckled in little bruises, every muscle aches, and my lips are swollen and tender. I literally cannot walk, do stairs, sit down, stand up, or bend over.

But it was totally fucking worth it.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Getting to Know Muffy aka TMI: What turns me on

- Tough looking facial scars
- Neck tattoos peeking out from beneath a collared shirt
- Hand tattoos
- Old men
- Married men
- Men in leather footwear
- Cuffed jeans
- Tousled hair
- Highly styled moustaches
- Beards
- Big hands
- Old Spice
- Whiskey on the rocks
- Being bitten
- Being pinned against a wall by his leg
- Muscular thighs and ass
- Sweat
- Smoking
- Douchbags
- Hard to get
- The chase
- Men with children
- Broad shoulders
- Salt & pepper hair

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Well...I did it.

As if there was any doubt that I would. I just cannot resist taking my clothes off for a man who is willing to fondle my vagina.

Today I had Hot Air Balloon Guy over for a movie and some wine.

Originally my plan for the evening was to wash my cum-stained bedding and while that was happening I was going to sit on my naked mattress, while probably naked myself, eating cheesecake and reading blogs. I lead an especially glamourous life.

But no. Some dude (Hot Air Balloon Guy, stay with me!) wanted to see me because he just found out that he is moving out of town to fly balloons elsewhere and he thinks I am super awesome.


So I come home from work. I toss my tight black jeans, my musty pillow cases, and a cute top in the wash. I hop in the shower to wash the negligence out of my hair make sure my bits were in order. I swept and mopped the damn apartment. And then I pulled myself together and let him know he could come over.

We watched Whatever Works, which was fine, and cracked open my free bottle of wine (which I am kind of wishing I had saved for a night by myself). After the movie we made a little small talk until someone (can't remember who) grabbed the other and went in for a smooch.

Smooching turned to groping, turned to dry humping, turned to us retreating to my bedroom to get the pesky clothes out of the way.

Now. This is funny because I was talking to the gals before he came over and I told them I would probs not fuck this dude. But the THING is. When I am presented with a penis, I just get far too excited about seeing what it can do that I totally forget that I didn't want to go there.


And my mind gets all jumbled and buggered up.

This guy was nervous. And as much as I love being dominated, I am also learning that I kind of love making guys nervous. It brings out this beast in me. I am practicing becoming more dominant myself so that I can expand my sexual horizions.

Today I was a little drowsy from the wine, so beyond gently telling him what I wanted ("bite there...harder") I remained calm and didn't get too excited.

One of my fears was that his dick would be too small. And it seemed small, but I am pretty sure that it was just because there was so much flesh. He is certaintly the biggest man I have ever fucked, and it was a hinderance, to be quite frank.

But he was a quick learner, and he developed a basic understanding of what I wanted.

I actually got the feeling that he may have never had sex before...but how can you ask someone that question?!

As sweet as the whole thing was, towards the end of it I had already resolved that I had no romantic feelings towards this man. I was getting less interested and he was quickly becoming more interested. This has happened to me before. It is so awkward because I am the type who will apparently take advantage of these men for sex and completely disregard their feelings. Take Guy #2 for example.

I will probably see Hot Air Balloon Guy one more time before he moves away. I am going to use the move as my out.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Cum Bucket List

It started off as a regular ol' bucket list.

I figured I needed goals to work towards but then every goal I added to the list ended up having to do with sex. I would be having a conversation with the gals about sex and something weird would come up and I would say "I should do that. It's a bucket list kinda thing."

It was actually Old Guy who first referred to it as a "Cum Bucket List", and I fell in love with it immediately.

The Cum bucket List continues to grow regularly, which is intimidating at times because my sex life has been slow this week. Then I remember that bucket lists are a life thing, not just a summer thing, and I am calm again. Most of the things on my Cum Bucket list are entirely achieveable, which is good. (I included things I have already accomplished, they are in bold.)

Muffy's Cum Bucket List

1. Have sex with a hot older man.
2. Have sex with a way younger man.
3. Draw blood during sex. (This one started as a joke with myself about vampires, and then I did it by accident.)
4. Be spanked HARD during sex.
5. Be tied up for sex.
6. Tie someone up for sex.
7. Have a one night stand.
8. Have sex on a roof.
9. Have sex in an alley.
10. Have sex in a bar washroom.
11. Have sex on some church steps.
12. Have anal sex.
13. Have sex in a hot air balloon.
14. Have sex in a graveyard. (I may have added this after the fact...)
15. Have a threesome.
16. Turn my vagina into the United Nations.
17. Give myself a multiple orgasm.
18. Learn female ejaculation.
19. Have sweet, romantic sex.
20. Have sex on a bear-skin rug.
21. Have sex in the woods with a lumberjack-type dude.
22. Use hot wax during sex.
23. Have sex with a married man.
24. Have sex with a delivery man. (Must not be pre-planned.)
25. Have super dirty sex with an authority figure.
26. Give someone a golden shower. (I am curious about this one. I would not like to get peed on, and I probably would not like to see this person again after peeing on them...)

This list feels short. I know I'm missing some things. I also think I am probably willing to try most things. WHY NOT?!

Monday, September 19, 2011

The New Fall Lineup: A Bad Idea?

In a recent post I went on about how I am ready to keep my pants on and my tits in my top for the first few dates with the new guys I have been interested in.

And now I am having doubts. In fact, thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. SUPER DUPER uncomfortable.

I am sitting here typing this and shaking and thinking about how I could use a stiff drink (or cock) to settle my nerves. Alas, I have none. Well, I am always sure to have JUST IN CASE numbers in my phone, BUT I am trying to break the habit.

Okay. So this week's dates.

I had arranged to have one with a 38 year old who was super nervous about the 14 year age difference. He was emailing me six times a day. I would email him something and his response would be four emails. Then he would email to check in an wish me an awesome day. Then he would email in the evening just for the sake of it.

It was excessive, annoying as fuck, and he couldn't spell for shit. I also got the feeling he was slow...and he sent me a picture and he looked kind of cross-eyed. (This makes me sound ridiculous...I am really all over the place in terms of physical attraction, Mr. T was a death metal disaster who wore denim vests covered in patches. I am going nowhere with this. Other than the fact that I have fucked weird looking guys.)

So I was getting a weird feeling about this 38 year old. I couldn't put my finger on it. All I knew was that I was not looking forward to this date. I was feeling icky about it.

The day of the date, I'm at work talking it out with my coworker and she convinced me to cancel it. And I realized I had to. I had a feeling he would kill me or something. So I emailed him, hoping he would get it in time, and then I blocked him. End of that dude.

The next day I had a date with a much more promising guy. Hot Air Balloon guy. This guy fucking flies hot air balloons for a living! It seemed pretty boss to me. He also seemed normal, and was able to communicate in proper english.

We decided to meet at a coffee shop by my place. I stroll in and spot him right away. He is a big guy. Over six feet, broad shoulders, and just generally SOLID (hefty?). I knew this going into it, and I'm ok with it (I think?) because I am a curvy gal. (But, like, big guy's dicks always seem so, in relation to everything else.)

We both get tea and have a seat and the conversation is super easy. And I laugh my ass off. He is a big nerd. HUGE. But he let me make fun of him for it, which is important to me because that is my sense of humour and I always fuck up and hurt people's feelings by accident because they don't GET me. Right. So the talking was good. And he has a sweet face.

After talking for an hour and a half I suggest we go for a walk. We walked and talked about bugs and stuff and it was nice. At the end of the night I kind of took control of the situation because I could tell he was sort of nervous. I said I would like to see him again and he agreed. Then I made him give me a hug and I ended the night with out even taking off my cardigan. This was very grown up and responsible.

A couple of days ago was my second date with Hot Air Balloon guy. It was a decent five hours. He picked me up and we grabbed a coffee and chatted for a bit. Then we walked around an antique mall and some other shops. We then decided to go to the zoo. We spent a few hours at the zoo, wandering, making fun of animals, almost being eaten by a lion, and some flirting. His nerdiness was even more evident, but he was still good humoured about it when I poked fun. He identified all the planes that flew overhead, and there were lots because we were near the airport. Then he took me for sushi. Sushi is kind of an awkward date food. I get paranoid that guys are watching me eat the big pieces to gauge how much of their dick will fit in my mouth. He didn't seem to do this, which was nice.

After dinner he walked me home because the restaurant was right near my place. At the door we made plans to get together again this week to watch Indiana Jones because I've never seen it. As I was talking about how he can also teach me about Dungeons and Dragons he was slowly moving closer and kind of leaning on the gate. I could see the look in his eyes that told me that he wanted to kiss me but wasn't going to make a move because he was too polite. So I gave him and side hug and a super chaste kiss on the lips. The kind of kiss I would give my grandmother.

Okay. So I had a nice time. Right? Right! I did.

I am not trying to convince myself, I did honestly enjoy myself and his company. I am just at a loss. I have no idea if he will be able to satisfy my wants and it's making me want to call it all off.

What if he is a shit kisser?! Kissing is so important, even when it comes to hook-ups. If you can't make my groin feel a flutter of need when we are kissing, then it's not worth my time. And this super chaste kiss? I mean, I am obviously not going to be able to tell much from that, but I didn't really feel like pulling him in for some tongue either.

And what about his dick. What if it's no good? Then I will totally hurt his feelings because we will have gone on all these chaste dates and then when he takes his pants off I'm all "Um, you know thanks. Changed my mind."

What if he doesn't do what I need him to do. What if he is afraid of hurting me. What if he doesn't bite like I like. What if he is no good with his hands?! I am already so certain that he is going to be a flop in the sack AND IT IS SO DISTRACTING. Is this unreasonable?! Why is it making me freak out like this?!

I realize that I am not tied to Hot Air Balloon. I could call him right now and say no thank you. But that would be stupid. As paranoid as I am about all this sex stuff, I am more paranoid that I will accidentally miss out on a good thing.

Anyways. That night after the date I was semi-panicked about how a nice guy actually likes me, which I realize is ridiculous. I cracked open and beer, happened to be listening to some sexy music, and I decided to see what Guy #2 was up to for the next day.

This was an asshole move because not only did I know I had a guy who likes me, but Guy #2 has issues of his own and was interested in me but I said no thanks and now I was going to use him for sex. I am such a champ.

Guy #2 and I arranged for him to come over in the evening the next day between work and a meeting. I think I was excited. I know I was drunk and horny...

Then the girls and I decided to go to the bar to see some bands. As I am standing there, kind of shimmying to the music, I notice an attractive giant come stand next to me. I recognized him immediately. This is the hot guy I see walking down the street in front of work everyday. He also slept with a friend of mine a few years ago. And he has an online dating profile through which I had contacted him a few weeks ago.

This was an opportunity.

I descreetly blotted any oil from my face, dealt with the beer/cigarette breath, adjusted my tits (he was much taller than me and would have a perfect view down my top), and prepared my opening line.

As the band was playing I noticed he had spotted me and so as soon as the band stopped we kind of started to talk to each other at the same time.

He is blonde, about 6'4, has stretched ears, and super hip dork glasses. I have had a crush on this guy for years. And now I was finally talking to him!

I tried to play it cool but I was kind of speechless and drunk. I had a hard time being witty and quick, and I kind of felt like I was floundering. He was kind of awkward too though, and when he said stupid things he would say something like "don't fuck this up, big guy!" under his breath. It was charming, trust me.

We also made an inside joke about how stupid the second band looked in their matching vests and he kept trying to convince me to go up to them an politely ask for one of my own.

Eventually the band started to play so we couldn't really talk anymore except a little between songs.

During the last song the guitarist lept off stage and grabbed me and put me between himself and his guitar and demanded I play. I am not a musician so I just kind plunked sadly on the damn thing while he actually played. I wish I had been more drunk at this point but unfortunately the beer had worn off.

It was now after 2am and I was tired, sober, and had to work the next morning. I know I could have gone home with Hot Nerd Guy, we even discussed how comfortable his bed would be to spend the next day in, but I was really just ready to sleep.

When I turned around to face him he was talking to a friend of his so I just squeezed his arm and said that I hoped we would run into each other again.

On the walk home I realized I should have slipped him my number. I am a dipshit. So I emailed him when I got home. Finger crossed!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Why I Would Make an Awesome Girlfriend

Since having made the decision to find a dude to have around for the fall and winter months, I've decided to compile a list of reasons why I would make a good girl thing.

Why I Would Make an Awesome Girlfriend
- I bake
- I make awesome mix cd's
- I don't take myself too seriously (Just my hair. Don't fuck with my hair.)
- I like beer (A LOT)
- I can burp loudly
- I am good at talking
- I am good at not talking
- I can give decent massages
- I like remote control cars
- I like dresses and look good in them
- I am willing to try most things in the bedroom
- I understand and appreciate personal hygiene
- If you dress like shit I won't blatantly try to change you (Although I may encourage by buying you clothes.)
- I can hang with the boys
- I will wear crotchless panties if you want me to
- I am a creative sexter
- I have a camera phone and will use it for boobies pics
- I will brag about your sex skills on the internet but will protect your identity
- I like to go fishing
- I am enthusiastic about blowjobs
- I promise not to barf on your penis

That's a fairly decent list. I may put a slightly edited version on my online dating profiles.

Riding in Cars with Boys

As you may have noticed, fall is just around the corner and us here at WWBWTBA are getting a little nervous that will the cool air will come cold hearts a limp dicks, so we're trying to get as much in while we can. We've all heard about what Muffy got up to this week (by the way, ran into her mother and apparently Muffy had to cancel lunch with her own mother because she was so tired and blamed it on my birthday, which she didn't even come to!), and we have all been running around like sex fiends.

I've been texting on and off with this guy who is in our dirty little group of male friends (seriously I wish they had a blog because we would look so tame in comparison), who I wasn't particularly attracted to, but he was extremely nice and put in an effort. For a while he had been trying to get me to go on a date with him, finally I caved and agreed. The night before he was coached by a couple of my friends on how to not ruin it, which basically meant not dressing like a rock climber and wearing jeans, a shirt with a collar and real shoes instead of those rubber water sandal shoe things my dad wears.

He came to my house and picked me up after having a family dinner, so it was already quite late into the evening, we went for ice cream and walked around the neighbourhood. I managed to be really slick and spill hot fudge on my pants. Eating ice cream doesn't really take that long so obviously the date couldn't end there, he suggested that we go back to his house for wine. He had been advised not to do this, as I get really uncomfortable in situations where I don't have a car and can't just run away. We get to his house, which he owns and redecorated, so I am somewhat impressed. Even though he spends too long showing me his bedroom which only consists of a king sized bed. I just walked away because I didn't want him to think that he could just pounce on me and drag me into bed. We go down to the basement, he shows me around and starts taking his laundry out of the drier. I think he kind of realizes how odd that is and hurries away quickly.

We spent the rest of the night playing with his adorable cat and playing video games. In all fairness I think a guy let a girl win at least one game, otherwise she probably will just get bitter and like you a less every time she loses. After I got totally sick of losing he turned on some netflix and we proceeded to watch River Monsters, which is a really great romantic show about big slimy fish. Or eels in this case. He's really winning me over. Then we watched Top Gear, I'm sure most of you single girls have no reason to know what this show is about, I'll fill you in; cars. We watched a car show. Imagine if I had invited him over and turned on some Jane Austen, you think it would have gone so well?

It's getting late, and there is little romance in the air so we talk about getting me home for the night, and all of a sudden a "HELLLLLOOO?" comes from upstairs. I look at my date, and he gets a panic stricken look on his face "uh oh." Down comes a hulk of a guy with a day old newspaper and a carton of milk in his hand. "Oh, I didn't know you had a lady friend over" The Hulk says with the most sly of smiles and takes a swig right from the open carton.

The rest of the night is pretty much history, we stayed around talking to The Hulk for a couple of hours before I finally got to go home. They told me all about their drunken escapades, girls, drugs and he tried to convince me that I should give my date some head on the way home.

The weekend after was my birthday and I got super drunk and hooked up with Cave Man while my date was in the next room over. Opps. Didn't talk to him for a couple days after that, but I felt pretty bad, and like he had been led on, so I made an effort to start talking to him casually again, and save my slut face.

Fast forward to last night, when out of no where he starts texting about his "muscle" and how it can get excited. I'm with all the blogger girls and they insist that I "go for it." I hand over the reigns to Muffy who texts him dirty things that I could never bring myself to say, and she manages to convince him to come down to the bar we're at.

He comes, and it's boring. The music is loud, we barely talk, and I think he gets intimidated by my other male friend who is there, who is a good foot taller than him, and also spent the entire night with his leg up against mine. By the end of the night I am not sure how this is going to go, I had my bike to take home so I get a ride to Muffy's place with Muffy where it's locked up, we both get out of the car and I kind of give him a look to give him the chance to offer me a ride home. He says nothing, we get out of the car and Muffy insists I text him. As confused as he seems he comes back to pick me up, at first I get the impression that he is actually just giving me a ride home, but once we get to my neighbourhood and he puts his hand up my dress while driving I know he gets the point.

We pull into my high school parking lot, he turns off the car and we jump on each other. I move to the backseat and he follows, he has managed to take his pants off in no time. At first I wasn't thinking I was going to go this far, but I decided it might be my last for a while, so I go with it.

I think this is where the phrase "like jack rabbits came from" because it was kind of like bop, bop, bop, pause, bop, bop, bop, pause. And then it was over. And he told me that when you get old your knees start to hurt when you have sex. I was kind of indifferent, but I tried to make it seem like I had a really good time.

He drops me off at my house, and then only 20 minutes later I am getting texts about how he liked sucking my tits and how he is still hard and wants to do it again. I think this guy needs to take it easy for a bit before his back gives out.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Conversations with Zaza re: heartache and lols

like I feel desperate for 10 minutes
and then it slips my mind for 2
and then I don't feel immediate about it
until another 10 minute episode occurs
during a tegan and sarah song
this is lol
I put on my "angry girl music" playlist (which I call "BitchTits").
It's like, metric, tegan and sarah, martha wainwright.
Tegan and Sarah's "don't confess this thing that breaks my heart" comes on
and there are these two chipmunks chasing eachother.
I was like "ughghghg and WAHHH and ugugugh fucking couples!
And i wish i was the girl squirrel/chipmuunk."


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

New Fall Lineup!

As of the beginning of last week I had (sort of) cut all ties with the summer men.

I was sitting on the beach wearing a sweater and a scarf because it was effing cold, basking in the sun, and trying to ignore the lustful glances the Filipino fishermen were giving me every time a breeze threatened to blow up my dress. It was the perfect day to reflect on my summer of glory and plan for the upcoming months. I made goal, I considered my fall wardrobe, and I contemplated what I wanted in terms of men.

I decided I am going to *try* to focus on male companionship and that I am going to try not to put out on the first date. I am going to try taking a more mature approach to dating. I realized that this might be challenging at first, but that once I am able to make good behavior a habit, it will eventually come naturally to me.

So, while still on the beach, I pulled out my iPhone and logged onto my dating websites. I browsed many profiles in search of my first fall date in my quest to be a mature dater.

I found the perfect one!

A guy who just moved to town and seemed interested in making the world a better place and he was a landscaper so I figured he would probably be fit and tanned! YUM!

We emailed, and then texted, and eventually agreed to meet on that Thursday for drinks.

The date was horrible. On of the worst I have been on. He was boring as all fuck. After 40 minutes I ran to the bathroom to check the time and then text all my gals to find out how long I had to stay in order to be polite. An hour apparently.

He seriously had nothing to say. I am pretty awesome at keeping up conversation, I've had enough damn practice at first dates. It got to the point where I was scrambling and asking shit like "Sooooo....what kind of music do you listen to?" He would then answer my questions but not really give me anything to work with and he wouldn't return the question.

He also said stupid shit about how when he left his old town he left behind a lot of bad karma, and it sounded like he got angry with everyone and just ditched. He also said he went on dates with a few women there but that they were all "trash" because they were single moms. Upon reflection I realize I really should have walked out at that point...

So after an hour he asks if I want another drink or if I want to get a bite to eat or whatever. I feign a headache because I really felt bad for this guy. He had nothing going for him and will probably be single for forever. We part ways politely, there was even a hug.

Later that evening I was online on one of the dating websites and he obviously noticed. I got this email from him:

"Something isn't right when a date gets called early and both people immediately log in to check their profile. Are people so dependent on social networks that they would rather chat online then be in person? I can't make sense of that at all."

I replied with:

"You have a point. I don't think we have much in common or much to talk about to be honest."

The next morning he sends:

"Good no need to fool ourselves. Nice meeting you and good luck."

At this point I feel relieved that I won't have to deal with any texts or phone calls from him telling him that I am not interested. I figure he handled it alright and figured it out and that it's all great.


A couple of hours after his last email I get this:

"Actually no I am going to flame. I talked for an entire hour. You said almost nothing except grill me the entire time. We are both boring people that mostly just work. We both spend a lot of time on the internet. We are both second picks. I don't know what you think you want but I categorize you in wanting impossible with the majority of women. 90% of women all want the same 10% of alpha men. Your not getting one. Date in your own league. Your incredibly boring. But I'm fine with boring because I know I'm regular Joe too. If we had more in common honestly the date would of lasted 5 minutes. I told a ton of stories you said jack shit."

I read this and laughed for probably an hour. Then I went to work and told everyone and laughed even harder!

There are so many stupid things going on there. But my favorite part is the "Date in your own league. You are incredibly boring." I want to get a t-shirt made.

I responded with Zaza's suggestion of:

"You're = you are
Your = possessive"

And then I blocked him because I am not interested in anything that dude has to say. Not worth my time.

I have two other dates this week!

One is with a super eager 38 year old. He is really self conscious about his age, even though I assured him I consider it a positive. I am curious to see how that goes.

The second date is with a man who flies hot air balloons for a living. I hope to one day fly in his balloon. I have also added "Have sex in a hot air balloon" to my Cum Bucket List.

That's One Way of Putting It

Last night's text message conversation concerning my upcoming trip to Toronto to visit a certain significant other at school (as well as Houston and our other mutual friend):

Me: "Okay, so [I'll be in town] the 18th to the 25th it is!"

Him: "Great! Can't wait to meet you at the airport. : )"

Me: "Well, I don't know if you've ever had sex in an airport bathroom, but..."


Me: "...Airline cookies. :("

Him: "Still okay with that!"

Monday, September 12, 2011

At the Scene of the Crime

Note: I had meant to post this a few weeks ago following the actual events and was recently reminded of it by Muffy, as such, here it is:

Crime scene sex.

I can feel the collective shudder the world just gave me as I typed out those 3 words. We've all been there. If you haven't, well, some day you will. Those of us who have been there can tell you that it's really the same as any other sex, but with a little more... well, colour. Neither of you needs to be a hero about it, it's all just bodily fluids. Just, maybe skip the white sheets and go for something a little darker that night unless you're a prodigy of getting tough stains out. This post, however, is not about laundry.

Let's be honest though, as long as you are prepared for it, it's great. I'm in the opinion that if he's down, I'm down (and if he isn't, he's probably going to get dumped. Fast.) Last week, however, I managed to have SURPRISE crime scene sex. Rather, it was a surprise for me, because he didn't mention anything until afterwards - why this is, I have no idea. We've been together for the better part of a year, so it's not like we haven't done it before. Granted, he probably thought that I knew, although I am usually thoughtful enough to warn him first - I firmly believe that communication is key in such situations.

Regardless, a man who is okay with doing things to you while you're bleeding is a good man. Especially if you can find one that will willingly go down on you during it without any coaxing or collateral head. He is said man.

So, we do it. It's as mind-blowing as usual. We finish. He's passing out on his back with his arms beneath his head. I go to sit up and he casually looks over and says:

"Babe, I don't know if you want to do that - you've been bleeding the entire time and those stains are a bitch to get out."

Down with the crime scene AND cares about the colour of my sheets? Be still my heart.


A few things have changed since my last post.

- I ended things with Old Guy. This is kind of hilarious because I had just made that post about how funny he is to text and blah blah blah. And he WAS loads of fun to text and make out with and fuck, but I hated how when we were making plans to meet it felt like I was making an appointment, although I suppose that in a way that's EXACTLY what I was doing...

So last week we were making plans and then I stopped replying to his texts to pause for a minutes, and I realized that it wasn't fun in the way I wanted anymore.

So I sent him this: "This isn't fun anymore. It feels like I am booking an appointment. I think I'm done."

He didn't respond right away, which didn't surprise me. To be honest I didn't expect him to respond at all. His reponse was "Oh...ok." Which really lacks inspiration, as far as I am concerned. Whatever. I let him know that if we were to run into each other at a seedy bar I would totally love to fuck in the bathroom or alley or something. I think a sketchy hook-up like that would suit us well.

- Graveyard Guy tried booty calling me this week. It's been a month and a half since I told him I was not interested anymore and may have told him I was seeing someone (a lie). I ignored the text. He has a small penis and he has no idea what to do with my vagina.

- Guy #2 texted me in an attempted booty call last night. It has been over a week since I last heard from him. I wasn;t very engaging in the responses I was giving him last night and again today. I'm just not that into him.

-I have a New Fall Lineup of men. Stay tuned!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Guy #2, Round two

Earlier in the week I had an interesting evening in which I fucked two guys in one night. The first guy was shit so I felt the need to make up for it by welcoming a second one into my bed after kicking out the first.

Guy #2 gave me a rough first impression but quickly changed my opinion of him by impressing me with his wit and interesting stories.

Before he left my place the next morning, a Tuesday, we agreed to try to get together on Friday as we both had the day off.

There was a litte bit of texting over the next couple of days and then on Thursday night he called me at 1:30am and we had a 1.5 hour phone conversation that felt like it lasted 5 minutes.

I really liked talking to him! He was funny and sweet and entertaining. At one point I was getting very sleepy so he offered to tell me a story. He started with "Once upon a time..." and I cut him off abruptly and told him to come up with something less crappy.

There was a pause and he started to confess to me...

#2: "I'm freaked out..."
Me: "Why? What's up?"
#2: "...I think I really like you but I know you don't want anything serious. I am afraid I am going to get hurt."

I didn't say anything for a minute because I had now idea WHAT to say. I just met this guy! He then started probing and asking questions about it, and I don't know what was happening, I am going to blame it on how tired I was, but I almost started to cry.

This was frustrating. I see crying as a huge sign of weakness and I have a super hard time when even those close to me see/hear me cry, nevermind some strange dude I just met!

He could tell I was uncomfortable and so he changed the subject and eventually let me go to sleep.

The next day we agree to meet in the early afternoon. We grab some sandwiches and quickly scarf them on my balcony before getting down to the important stuff.

He's good at fucking. And kissing. And at one point he compared his nuts to the engine of the Titanic.

We did that for a while and then he had to leave to babysit his nephew.

After he left I was unsure of how I felt about it. I thought about him on and off into the evening until I realized that that was it.

I am probably never going to see him again, and I'm content with that. Although, his stamina will be missed.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

An oldie but a goodie

Old Guy seems to have gotten over the fact that I write this blog. He texted me a few days after this saying that he feels the need to really step up his game. I am happy to hear this, of course.

He and I have a sort of funny thing going on. We both talk openly about the other people we are sleeping with and it is often fairly hilarious. I was just reading through our text history and found a few gems I would like to share.

This is after meeting with Guy #2 for the second time (story to come). It was requested I shave everything, which really isn't my style. I did it for kicks, and now it's stuck like this. I am considering buying a toupe.

This was in reference to this night. He thinks it's a great story, but I also kind of get the feeling that he may try to get a better story.

I have no fucking idea why he asked about black guys, I just think the cum bucket comment is hilarious because my whole bucket list is sex related.

This is from one night where he was working respite and therefore could not satisfy my needs. He knows of my weakness for Elvis impersonators and was kind enough to point me in the right direction.

I think we are going to try to get our freak on next week. FINGERS CROSSED!