Guy #2, Round two

Earlier in the week I had an interesting evening in which I fucked two guys in one night. The first guy was shit so I felt the need to make up for it by welcoming a second one into my bed after kicking out the first.

Guy #2 gave me a rough first impression but quickly changed my opinion of him by impressing me with his wit and interesting stories.

Before he left my place the next morning, a Tuesday, we agreed to try to get together on Friday as we both had the day off.

There was a litte bit of texting over the next couple of days and then on Thursday night he called me at 1:30am and we had a 1.5 hour phone conversation that felt like it lasted 5 minutes.

I really liked talking to him! He was funny and sweet and entertaining. At one point I was getting very sleepy so he offered to tell me a story. He started with "Once upon a time..." and I cut him off abruptly and told him to come up with something less crappy.

There was a pause and he started to confess to me...

#2: "I'm freaked out..."
Me: "Why? What's up?"
#2: "...I think I really like you but I know you don't want anything serious. I am afraid I am going to get hurt."

I didn't say anything for a minute because I had now idea WHAT to say. I just met this guy! He then started probing and asking questions about it, and I don't know what was happening, I am going to blame it on how tired I was, but I almost started to cry.

This was frustrating. I see crying as a huge sign of weakness and I have a super hard time when even those close to me see/hear me cry, nevermind some strange dude I just met!

He could tell I was uncomfortable and so he changed the subject and eventually let me go to sleep.

The next day we agree to meet in the early afternoon. We grab some sandwiches and quickly scarf them on my balcony before getting down to the important stuff.

He's good at fucking. And kissing. And at one point he compared his nuts to the engine of the Titanic.

We did that for a while and then he had to leave to babysit his nephew.

After he left I was unsure of how I felt about it. I thought about him on and off into the evening until I realized that that was it.

I am probably never going to see him again, and I'm content with that. Although, his stamina will be missed.

This all happened when I was sober.

Let me preface this story by saying that before this summer my sex life was slow. No...slow isn't the right word....It did not exsist. I had started working really hard at online dating and decided to try to whore it up a little and see what happened.

One night Houston and I were chatting and she kind of dared me to have sex with four different guys this summer, and I agreed. NOW I realize that four does not seem like a big number. I could have had sex with four guys in a week EASILY because getting laid is easy, but I didn't want to just have sex with anyone. I wanted to feel it out and meet up for a drink and find guys who were worthy, which is funny because I realized how rare that is.

Until this weekend I was up to three guys, all of which I had seen more than once. I had had sex almost once a week and was fairly content with my progress, but I also felt a sense of urgency because Houston was leaving town to go to school in a week and that was my deadline. So I kicked the online thing into high gear.





Last night I did something that I would never have imagined would happen in my bed EVER. I am in shock at myself for my behavior, but also impressed, and maybe a little disgusted. Oh my god. I can't decide whether to brag or feel shameful....I have noooo idea....

Last week I had started texting this boy named Jesse. He texted me quite a bit from the begining which was sort of clingy but I didn't mind because it gave me something to do while at work and he seemed nice. We had agreed to go for drinks on Monday night.

Monday night rolls around and he texts me all day that he is nervous and excited. I didn't really feel anything going into this date...I had already kind of realized that I wasn't interested but I wasn't going to write him off without giving him a real chance.

We met at 9:30 at a local lounge and he was kind of awkward but I had no problem keeping the conversation going. I knew I wasn't interested, but I had my goal of four men on my mind and I guess I let that dictate my actions for the next part.

We decided to go for a walk after having a couple of drinks and I suggested we go to a park because I felt like going on the swings. On the way to the park he insisted I hold his hand and he stopped a couple of times to kiss.

When we get to the park I go for the swings right away. He was such a poop and was all awkward and embarrassed about swinging. So I just ignored him for a while and swung as high as I could. Then he suggested we go sit on a nearbye patch of grass.

We sit down and he starts at it right away. I just let him do his thing, which was licking under my chin. He also did this thing where he opened his mouth as wide as he could and stuck his tongue out as far as it will go, and then he crammed it down my throat. I would never like to experience that again.

At one point while he was kissing my neck he moved towards my ear, and the next thing I knew he had his tongue in my ear and was tongue fucking it. It felt very wet and all I could think about was how I looked forward to using my q-tips when I got home.

Then I made the mistake of agreeing to bring him home.

I know I should have let it end in the park, and I really have no explaination for why I let him come back to my place.

He insisted on having the lights off and he refused to take off his socks. He went at my boobs like a baby, as though he was expecting them to start lactating. He licked me down like a cat, but never once went between my legs (he licked my face from neck to forehead with a very wet tongue). He must have never heard of the clit. He had no idea.

When he had sex with me he could have been using his pinkie finger...it was small. It was thin and it was short. I used my hand on myself and eventually pretended to get off because I just wanted it to be over.

After he pulled out I felt sorry for how shitty he was and I went down on him. THIS IS THE MOST HORRIFYING PART: I was sucking his little dick, which I could fit in my mouth no problem, and I barfed. I barfed on his cock and he has no idea. It wasn't much and it happened right as he started to ejaculate so I just used kleenex to wipe everything up.... And then I tried not to laugh hysterically.

As soon as the mess was cleaned up I said something like "I don't mean to kick you out, but I should get to bed." I got dressed and escorted him out.

Now, what I haven't yet mentioned was that all while this date was happening, I was already planning what I could do to make this night better.

As of Monday morning I had been texting another guy who didn't seem like my type but was nice and funny. I knew Guy #2 was off work and would be coming through my area of town around midnight and so when I went to the washroom right before Guy #1 and I were leaving the bar I texted him and suggested a walk...

In the parking lot just as I was about to get inside Guy #1's car, Guy #2 called. I answered and made plans to see him when he got to my area. Guy #1 could have heard...I don't know. After I hung up I told Guy #1 that it was my roommate.

After Guy #1 left I immediately ran upstairs and finished barfing. I am all class. I know this. Then I brushed my teeth and my hair and touched up my makeup and left to meet Guy #2, who was waiting for me.

As I was orchestrating all of these events, I couldn't help but laugh at my behavior. What I did last night was something that would have made my jaw drop had any of my girlfriends done it. I kept stopping and laughing at myself.

Guy #2 was shorter than I expected, probably my height of 5'8 or 5'9. He dressed kind of gangsta, but all his clothes were new and clean. The conversation was easy. We didn't even have to think about it.

He told me about how he works at group homes for troubled teens and that he got into it because he was and addict and came from a broken home with a junkie mother. He also told me about how his fiance and 1 year old daughter died in a car accident 6 years ago. About how he was homeless because he hit bottom after that. And a million other sad things. He was the most positive and well-adjusted person I have ever met. He could take any situation and talk about how he took something positive from it.

We strolled around for an hour, stopping to sit on random benches. Eventually, on a bench in a churchyard, we started making out. He was good. I spent a little time batting his hands away because I still had this idea in my mind that I hadn't decided to meet up with him for sex. I know that it was something I kind of wanted, but I was in denial and insisted that I did not behave like this.

Eventually I relented, and I was glad I did. We got a little carried away and he ended up missing his last bus home. I invited him over, not because it would have been a drag for him to get home at this point, but because I did find myself drawn to him.

Over the course of the night we had sex four times, and it was awesome. It was so relaxed and we laughed so much. He showed me all the tricks he could do with his body, such as when he had a hard on he could make it dance and bob up and down. It was so hilarious and I laughed so hard at it, which made it go soft again. Then he made it talk to me. He could also bend his fingers back until they almost touched the back of his hand and he could pop his eyes out of their sockets...which I would NOT let him show me. He had lots of scars on his body because he was run over by a car as a child.

He also tans, which I made fun of him for even though I tan too. We compared tans and laughed at ourselves for being so vain.

I feel a little guilty for being dishonest with him about Guy#1 when it seems like he was willing to to tell me anything...but I do not regret my choices. I see no point in regret, especially when I made the sober decision to do this.

I didn't sleep until he left at 6:30 this morning. We were both so tired but neither of us could sleep because we both had too much to say.

Old Fogey!

In my last post I mentioned I was going on a date with a man 20 years my senior.

It happened last week and I was nervous as fuck because we had been texting loads. And sexting even more. He seemed really cool and I had already told him I had gotten myself off to the idea of him, which was true. So going into this we already knew a bit more about each other sexually.

The meeting went well. It was awkward at times, but not unbearable.

At the end he walked me home and outside of my gate it seemes like he was a little nervous trying to figure out how to say goodbye, which seemed funny because he came across a pretty cocky. He rambled on about scooters for a while until he ran out of things to say. Then he reached out and I thought he was going to shake my hand goodnight! Then he pulled me in for an awesome kiss, neck biting included.

I went to bed that night all flushed and lusting after this 43 year old man with slicked back grey and black rockabilly hair, cuffed jeans, and tattoos.

Then we texted constantly for the next week. Primarily sex themed conversations.

It was decided that last night was a good night to get together again. We had pretty much decided that sex was going to happen, and I was all for it because Graveyard Guy was such a loser in the sack and I was in need of a good lay.

Yesterday morning as I am getting ready for work at 8something am Old Guy texts me something that made me throw my hairbrush at the floor and curse him. This is out text conversation:

Old Guy: "Hey...I was going to have this conversation with you when I saw you tonight but maybe I should have it now... I just wanted to tell you a bit about my situation and my emotional availabitlity."

Me: (Thinking: "Ok. He is recently divorced and not ready for a relationship. This is fine. Sex if fine. Do I want a 40 something boyfriend? That would probably never have worked. Fuck, he is so hot.")

OG: "I am maintaining a polyamorous status. I am involved with someone but free to persue outside attraction but everyone needs to know what's going one. I though we should get it out in the open before I met you a second time. I think you're pretty and I would like to see you again but if you think this is too much for you I understand."

Me: This is the point where I kind of lose my shit. Looking back it was an overreaction (Thinking: "What the fuck....!!!!") I still don't say anything to him.

Then we go on and I am apprehensive because the definition of polyamorous is basically that you have two different relationships, and although there may be a primary person and a secondary person, they are generally pretty serious. Or that's what the internet told me.

So I am at work, freaking out. I didn't give him an answer as to whether or not I was going to meet him for coffee anymore because I didn't know if I wanted something this complex in my life. He made it sound intimidating.

It made me question myself: Who am I that last week I was getting strangled and this week I am considering entering a polyamorous relationship?!

I am vanilla!!! I barely even have sprinkles! When did I start taking an intrest in this stuff?!

Ok. So I decide to meet him for coffee and let him know that I probably won't be comfortable having sex with him at this point. I wanted to figure out what this poly stuff meant for me.

We met at a little cafe close-ish to his place and at first the conversation is kind of awkward. We talked about very un-sex related things. Then at an awkward pause I asked him what he expected from me. He didn't really expect anything, just whatever I was willing to offer.

He went on to explain why he was not in a monogamous relationship and it basically was him going on to tell me that he has slept with a lot of women and hopes to continue doing so. That his marriage fell apart because he drank too much and cheated. That the oldest woman he has been with was 32.

I also find out that in the 80s he dated my former co-worker who is now a 40-something spinster who lives with her sister and her cats. I realize I had heard about him many times because she was still hung up on him but hated his guts for being a womanizer. This is hilarious to me, but also kind of creepy. And maybe a little gross?

I quickly realize that this guy is an asshole. Big time. And anyone like this is not someone that I am interested in getting close too. I was so worried I was going to get attached but I see that it really won't be a problem.

I tell him about Graveyard Guy and how I could use a good roll in the hay.

When we get to his place he realizes there is no where safe to lock up my giant, super heavy, retro-style bike. He decides to carry it up six flights of stairs. I am impressed because the bike is super fucking heavy. I am even more impressed when he shows he can pinch my ass while carrying the bike.

We start making out. He is an awesome kisser and I appreciate the laying in bed and making out thing. Old Guy took things slow. Hand in underwear, not too invasive or urgent. Gentle.

Usually while making out and other things, I find my mind wanders to stupid things. That didn't happen with him. Everything was so good that I was into it the entire time!

Then we had sex three times. It was scream-loudly-so-the-neighbors-can-hear sex. Him on top, working magic and me practically tearing his sheets to shreds.

During the whole thing he had the nostalgia radio station playing and he even had Buddy Holly a sing-along. It was hilarious and terrible.

Also during each rest he was constantly admiring me and caressing me all over and telling me how awesome I look. It was really nice and a super great ego boost. Who doesn't want to hear that shit?!

Afterwards he of course had to carry my bike back down the six flights of stairs. I was looking forward to the bike ride home, but he was heading to the pub in my area and wanted me to walk with him. The conversation on the way home was meh. Since having realized I didn't like him much as a person, I wasn't interested in listening to him talk. Plus he was telling me ridiculous stories about the drugs he used to do and about how he smoked crack with a prostitue once. Why would I want to hear this?

All in all I feel like this is an awesome arrangement. I get amazing sex on the somewhat regular and I still get to date other guys. In fact, I am working on setting up two dates as I am typing this.

Cave Man Part I: Eggs

Since leaving school and my regular hook up to come back to my hometown for the summer I have gone on a couple little adventures that are worth noting. At first I feared that coming home would mean that I had the potential to go all summer without having sex. We all know how much of a travesty this would be to let a summer in the prime of my life go to waste. Determined to not let this happen I was excited when Zaza mentioned that I should hook up with a guy that I actually knew of when I got home, who I will now call Cave Man (for reasons you will find out about in Part III). Before I got my hopes up I made sure to run it by Jean-Jolie first, since she had hooked up with him in the past (ladies, always do this. don't cause shit, it's not worth it, unless it's for love, then run away and live together on your own), and after getting the a-okay I kind of got excited by this prospect.

Before coming home I insisted that someone organize a "thing" for me when I came back. I put Zaza in charge, who mentions it to a mutual friend, he suggests the party be at Zaza's steady hook-ups place. Oh, how convenient, did I mention that Zaza's hook up and Cave Man are roommates? Great. I must look amazing, and bring beer. We all know the way to a man's dick is through alcohol.

When I get there I am disappointed to see that Cave Man is not there, just his Sidekick, who doesn't even really acknowledge me. These guys are an awkward breed, they are not to great with social skills, or girls, or anything that doesn't involve working at a desk. So I just shrug it off, no big deal, I've only been here for a couple of days, and I refuse to take this as a sign of how my summer will go.

Eventually Cave Man walks through the door, he looks in at all the people in his kitchen and waves, I try to look sexy while giving a sly little wave back, when I realize that his roommate is standing right beside me and is also waving back. Great start...

We stand around, mingling, talking and nothing is really happening. The music is lame, the lights are bright and no one is really getting into it. The guys go into the bathroom and get high, save for Cave Man who looks sexy and bored. Finally he goes to the table and asks who brought the case of beer. I reply that I did and Cave Man says "this is your party, we should be giving you presents... how can we repay you?" totally not knowing what to say since this is pretty much the first contact we have had all night I stutter out "Any way..." while blushing. I know that every girl in the room just did an internal groan, because I am now "that girl."

We do some shots and leave for the bar. The group is divided, some go to the gay bar (i.e. me) and others go to a club (i.e. Cave Man). Fuck. How is this going to work now? I can't rub up him and pretend that my hand grazing his crotch is an accident. I text a mutual friend to ask for his number. I wait until the end of the night to text him, here is the run down of our conversation:

Houston: Where you at?

Cave man: Went back to my place, you coming?

Houston: Want to meet me half way?

Cave man: Sure, you at ___?

Houston: yeah, meet me on the south side of the street.

TADA! And that was it. Who knew that this could be so easy? Happily tipsy I bid adieu to my friends at the gay bar and meet up with him under the shade of night. We talk like we knew each other, and I convince him to give me a piggy back ride. It is one of my little tricks to make guys feel like they can assert their manliness as well as get close to them (note: this doesn't work if they are skinny little bitches who can't really lift anything, try to avoid embarrassing them if you have a feeling this won't work.

We get up to his place, he turns on the fire place, dims the lights and pours us drinks. We talk and finally he gives me the look that he is going to go for it. I stop mid sentence and climb on his lap. He lifts me into his bedroom, and I manage to kick a glass with my foot and spill all over the carpet.

We go and have sex. Then we have sex again. Then he kisses me on the cheek bone just beside my eye. I like this. It's late and I have to decide if I am going to stay or not. I do not feel like trying to get a cab at this time of night so staying is ideal if it's not going to be super awkward. I mention that I need to figure out how to get home and he invites me to stay. I ask if he has eggs on hand, he says he does and I tell him that I will make eggs in the morning. I take him letting me stay good sign, except then I spend the entire night awake rearranging the furniture in his room in my head all night.

At a certain point I can't handle it any more and get up and tell him I am making eggs. Reluctantly he gets up and follows, I make eggs, he makes smoothies and we sit on the couch and eat and talk.

Then we make out again, he asks if I can walk to the bedroom this time so avoid spilt milk shakes. He have sex again. This time it's pretty great. He commends how good my eggs are.

I need to get home eventually, so he offers to drive me home under the pretence that he is going to visit his family for sunday dinner. It is 9 am. I ask him if he needs to shower first, because I can wait. He showers, I clean up a little from the night before and the breakfast mess. Then I wait around at the dinning room table, and in walks his roommate, he doesn't see me, I say a cheerful good morning, slightly stunned he looks at me, and says "you made eggs."