The Problems With Having Zero Self Control

I always knew I had zero self control.

I never have to re-cork a bottle of wine because I will polish it off.
I never have any chocolate on hand because I scarf it as soon as it enters the house.
I never get anything done on my days off because I spend the whole time with my hands between my legs.
And the list goes on.

This weekend was an excellent example of my terrible control. I knew I was going to get laid on Saturday night by a guy I kind of liked and yet I went out and fucked a different guy on Friday night. And then I had another guy over on Monday night. And I tried to get laid again on Wednesday night.

Monday night:

After my marathon weekend of sex I had Guy#2 come over Monday evening after work.

Why? Because I could. And because I knew he would show up and get me off.

This makes me look gluttonous, which I am. I won't deny this fact. But i am also callous.

I hurt Guy#2's feelings and I knew I would. I knew exactly what I was doing.

Here is what went down:

I was sitting on my front stairs having a cigarette when he walked up. He sat down next to me and we chatted for a bit.

I had my cell phone next to me but I thought I had put my pack of cigarettes on top of it so the screen was covered. I had been texting Hot Air Balloon and I didn't really need Guy#2 to know. All of a sudden Guy#2 asks me if I am seeing anyone else, and I was honest and replied that I had been kind of seeing someone and things had escalated quickly but that he had moved away.

I later realized that he had asked me this because I he had seen that I got a text from Hot Air Balloon. Way to go, Muffy.

While catching up with Guy#2 I found out that his nephew died this weekend and that he had been kicked out of his brother's house, where he had been living. So he was obviously not well from the get go, and I did nothing to improve his state.

We went up to my room and fucked and it was alright. Not as good as before.

Afterwards we were lying in bed and he told me that he had never had a just sex thing before. He only had sex with girls he had dated and he seemed to feel a little weird about it. He made a joke about it being sinful.

I told him that this was all I did, that I have not had a boyfriend before.

And then he told me why that is. He broke it down exactly. He told me I have a severe fear of commitment. True. That I have seen so many relationships close to me fall apart. True. That I have trust issues. True. And that I have built walls around myself to protect myself from getting hurt and that some guy is going to fall in love with me and have to break these down. True.

I told him that I feel sorry for that poor bastard, whoever he may be.

And then we had an awkward moment of eye contact and he looked sad.

He asked me about Hot Air Balloon and how serious we were. I said not very as it had only been a week and a half. He asked if I had wanted to get serious with him and I said that yeah, I think it would have happened if he hadn't left.

Then there was silence. I wanted to tell him that if this was hurting him then we should stop. I wanted to be upfront and tell him to stop texting me because it is not good for him.

But I didn't say anything.

Then he went on about how his wisdom teeth hurt and he was going to go for a walk to get painkillers and a coffee. I asked if he wanted me to come and he said no but asked if I wanted anything.

As soon as we walked out of my room neither of us said anything to the other.

He walked out my front door and we didn't kiss, hug, or say goodbye. Nothing.

After he left I was kind of confused about it he was coming back or not. He didn't. I don't blame him.

Wednesday Night:

After I left work yesterday I noticed none other than Old Guy sitting on the pub patio across the street. I stopped dead in my tracks. I creamed my pants. I started to quiver. I almost lost my shit.

He looked FINE. Perfect. Pure sex. It was insane. His hair was amazingly coiffed. His jeans cuffed just so. And his tattoos just peeking out from the collar and cuffs of his shirt.

I needed to take action. Do something. BUT WHAT.

I crossed the street a little further down. Took off my sweater, fluffed my hair, tightened the belt cinching my waist, and I pulled all my swagger from within. And I STRUT my shit for all I was worth. I STRUT right past him and his buddies. I held my head high, stuck out my tits and ass, swayed my hips, and shook out my hair.

I probably looked ridiculous, but I didn't give a shit. I looked cute and I knew it. I had been getting compliments all day on my hair and outfit, and I know I looked hot. And I know he saw me. And I know my ass caught his attention.

Then I walked the rest of the way home, vibrating from being so close to him.

When I got home I frantically tried to find someone to go for a beer with me at the same pub. No one was available. I didn't know what to do to establish contact with him again.

So I picked up my phone. I couldn't remember if I still had his number or not.

I DID!

I WOULD TEXT HIM!

What to say?! Something smart, cute, funny, sexy....

What did I send?

"Hey it's *******, I just saw you at the Toad and had to come home to change my panties. Are you up to anything later?"

Not quite the work of art I had planned.... but it was sent.

I didn't hear back until this morning. "I looked like pooo"

I didn't respond. I think he wanted me to fan his ego, but I refused. I figure, I am just going to own the text I sent him. If it comes up I will not be ashamed of the fact that he turns me on.

What I am kind of hoping will happen is that now he knows I am still interested in his cock so maybe he will suggest a meet up. I am not going to suggest anything. Imma leave the ball in his court and if he is interested then great. Otherwise, whatever.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

A few things have changed since my last post.

- I ended things with Old Guy. This is kind of hilarious because I had just made that post about how funny he is to text and blah blah blah. And he WAS loads of fun to text and make out with and fuck, but I hated how when we were making plans to meet it felt like I was making an appointment, although I suppose that in a way that's EXACTLY what I was doing...

So last week we were making plans and then I stopped replying to his texts to pause for a minutes, and I realized that it wasn't fun in the way I wanted anymore.

So I sent him this: "This isn't fun anymore. It feels like I am booking an appointment. I think I'm done."

He didn't respond right away, which didn't surprise me. To be honest I didn't expect him to respond at all. His reponse was "Oh...ok." Which really lacks inspiration, as far as I am concerned. Whatever. I let him know that if we were to run into each other at a seedy bar I would totally love to fuck in the bathroom or alley or something. I think a sketchy hook-up like that would suit us well.

- Graveyard Guy tried booty calling me this week. It's been a month and a half since I told him I was not interested anymore and may have told him I was seeing someone (a lie). I ignored the text. He has a small penis and he has no idea what to do with my vagina.

- Guy #2 texted me in an attempted booty call last night. It has been over a week since I last heard from him. I wasn;t very engaging in the responses I was giving him last night and again today. I'm just not that into him.

-I have a New Fall Lineup of men. Stay tuned!

Guy #2, Round two

Earlier in the week I had an interesting evening in which I fucked two guys in one night. The first guy was shit so I felt the need to make up for it by welcoming a second one into my bed after kicking out the first.

Guy #2 gave me a rough first impression but quickly changed my opinion of him by impressing me with his wit and interesting stories.

Before he left my place the next morning, a Tuesday, we agreed to try to get together on Friday as we both had the day off.

There was a litte bit of texting over the next couple of days and then on Thursday night he called me at 1:30am and we had a 1.5 hour phone conversation that felt like it lasted 5 minutes.

I really liked talking to him! He was funny and sweet and entertaining. At one point I was getting very sleepy so he offered to tell me a story. He started with "Once upon a time..." and I cut him off abruptly and told him to come up with something less crappy.

There was a pause and he started to confess to me...

#2: "I'm freaked out..."
Me: "Why? What's up?"
#2: "...I think I really like you but I know you don't want anything serious. I am afraid I am going to get hurt."

I didn't say anything for a minute because I had now idea WHAT to say. I just met this guy! He then started probing and asking questions about it, and I don't know what was happening, I am going to blame it on how tired I was, but I almost started to cry.

This was frustrating. I see crying as a huge sign of weakness and I have a super hard time when even those close to me see/hear me cry, nevermind some strange dude I just met!

He could tell I was uncomfortable and so he changed the subject and eventually let me go to sleep.

The next day we agree to meet in the early afternoon. We grab some sandwiches and quickly scarf them on my balcony before getting down to the important stuff.

He's good at fucking. And kissing. And at one point he compared his nuts to the engine of the Titanic.

We did that for a while and then he had to leave to babysit his nephew.

After he left I was unsure of how I felt about it. I thought about him on and off into the evening until I realized that that was it.

I am probably never going to see him again, and I'm content with that. Although, his stamina will be missed.

This all happened when I was sober.

Let me preface this story by saying that before this summer my sex life was slow. No...slow isn't the right word....It did not exsist. I had started working really hard at online dating and decided to try to whore it up a little and see what happened.

One night Houston and I were chatting and she kind of dared me to have sex with four different guys this summer, and I agreed. NOW I realize that four does not seem like a big number. I could have had sex with four guys in a week EASILY because getting laid is easy, but I didn't want to just have sex with anyone. I wanted to feel it out and meet up for a drink and find guys who were worthy, which is funny because I realized how rare that is.

Until this weekend I was up to three guys, all of which I had seen more than once. I had had sex almost once a week and was fairly content with my progress, but I also felt a sense of urgency because Houston was leaving town to go to school in a week and that was my deadline. So I kicked the online thing into high gear.





Last night I did something that I would never have imagined would happen in my bed EVER. I am in shock at myself for my behavior, but also impressed, and maybe a little disgusted. Oh my god. I can't decide whether to brag or feel shameful....I have noooo idea....

Last week I had started texting this boy named Jesse. He texted me quite a bit from the begining which was sort of clingy but I didn't mind because it gave me something to do while at work and he seemed nice. We had agreed to go for drinks on Monday night.

Monday night rolls around and he texts me all day that he is nervous and excited. I didn't really feel anything going into this date...I had already kind of realized that I wasn't interested but I wasn't going to write him off without giving him a real chance.

We met at 9:30 at a local lounge and he was kind of awkward but I had no problem keeping the conversation going. I knew I wasn't interested, but I had my goal of four men on my mind and I guess I let that dictate my actions for the next part.

We decided to go for a walk after having a couple of drinks and I suggested we go to a park because I felt like going on the swings. On the way to the park he insisted I hold his hand and he stopped a couple of times to kiss.

When we get to the park I go for the swings right away. He was such a poop and was all awkward and embarrassed about swinging. So I just ignored him for a while and swung as high as I could. Then he suggested we go sit on a nearbye patch of grass.

We sit down and he starts at it right away. I just let him do his thing, which was licking under my chin. He also did this thing where he opened his mouth as wide as he could and stuck his tongue out as far as it will go, and then he crammed it down my throat. I would never like to experience that again.

At one point while he was kissing my neck he moved towards my ear, and the next thing I knew he had his tongue in my ear and was tongue fucking it. It felt very wet and all I could think about was how I looked forward to using my q-tips when I got home.

Then I made the mistake of agreeing to bring him home.

I know I should have let it end in the park, and I really have no explaination for why I let him come back to my place.

He insisted on having the lights off and he refused to take off his socks. He went at my boobs like a baby, as though he was expecting them to start lactating. He licked me down like a cat, but never once went between my legs (he licked my face from neck to forehead with a very wet tongue). He must have never heard of the clit. He had no idea.

When he had sex with me he could have been using his pinkie finger...it was small. It was thin and it was short. I used my hand on myself and eventually pretended to get off because I just wanted it to be over.

After he pulled out I felt sorry for how shitty he was and I went down on him. THIS IS THE MOST HORRIFYING PART: I was sucking his little dick, which I could fit in my mouth no problem, and I barfed. I barfed on his cock and he has no idea. It wasn't much and it happened right as he started to ejaculate so I just used kleenex to wipe everything up.... And then I tried not to laugh hysterically.

As soon as the mess was cleaned up I said something like "I don't mean to kick you out, but I should get to bed." I got dressed and escorted him out.

Now, what I haven't yet mentioned was that all while this date was happening, I was already planning what I could do to make this night better.

As of Monday morning I had been texting another guy who didn't seem like my type but was nice and funny. I knew Guy #2 was off work and would be coming through my area of town around midnight and so when I went to the washroom right before Guy #1 and I were leaving the bar I texted him and suggested a walk...

In the parking lot just as I was about to get inside Guy #1's car, Guy #2 called. I answered and made plans to see him when he got to my area. Guy #1 could have heard...I don't know. After I hung up I told Guy #1 that it was my roommate.

After Guy #1 left I immediately ran upstairs and finished barfing. I am all class. I know this. Then I brushed my teeth and my hair and touched up my makeup and left to meet Guy #2, who was waiting for me.

As I was orchestrating all of these events, I couldn't help but laugh at my behavior. What I did last night was something that would have made my jaw drop had any of my girlfriends done it. I kept stopping and laughing at myself.

Guy #2 was shorter than I expected, probably my height of 5'8 or 5'9. He dressed kind of gangsta, but all his clothes were new and clean. The conversation was easy. We didn't even have to think about it.

He told me about how he works at group homes for troubled teens and that he got into it because he was and addict and came from a broken home with a junkie mother. He also told me about how his fiance and 1 year old daughter died in a car accident 6 years ago. About how he was homeless because he hit bottom after that. And a million other sad things. He was the most positive and well-adjusted person I have ever met. He could take any situation and talk about how he took something positive from it.

We strolled around for an hour, stopping to sit on random benches. Eventually, on a bench in a churchyard, we started making out. He was good. I spent a little time batting his hands away because I still had this idea in my mind that I hadn't decided to meet up with him for sex. I know that it was something I kind of wanted, but I was in denial and insisted that I did not behave like this.

Eventually I relented, and I was glad I did. We got a little carried away and he ended up missing his last bus home. I invited him over, not because it would have been a drag for him to get home at this point, but because I did find myself drawn to him.

Over the course of the night we had sex four times, and it was awesome. It was so relaxed and we laughed so much. He showed me all the tricks he could do with his body, such as when he had a hard on he could make it dance and bob up and down. It was so hilarious and I laughed so hard at it, which made it go soft again. Then he made it talk to me. He could also bend his fingers back until they almost touched the back of his hand and he could pop his eyes out of their sockets...which I would NOT let him show me. He had lots of scars on his body because he was run over by a car as a child.

He also tans, which I made fun of him for even though I tan too. We compared tans and laughed at ourselves for being so vain.

I feel a little guilty for being dishonest with him about Guy#1 when it seems like he was willing to to tell me anything...but I do not regret my choices. I see no point in regret, especially when I made the sober decision to do this.

I didn't sleep until he left at 6:30 this morning. We were both so tired but neither of us could sleep because we both had too much to say.