Friday, October 28, 2011

Old Guy 2.0: Awesome date leads to confusion and an awkward exit...

Since my last post I have ended things with Hot Air Balloon Guy and continued hanging out with Old Guy 2.0.

The other night 2.0 and I had a nice date (I'm actually not sure if what we are doing is going on dates, but last night felt datey until it suddenly didn't...). We went for dinner, on his dime, to Restaurant Dubrovnik because he had some sort of a deal there. As you can see by a quick glance at their website, it's a pretty snazzy place and certainly one of the higher priced restaurants in the city.

We were the only people there and had a really fun time acting snobby. We shared our meals and after our plates were cleared he mentioned that he had considered jokingly proposing marriage to me. He had even gone as far as to try and find a small box for a fake ring.

Our next activity was a concert. We decided to sit in some seats on the small balcony and chose some in a cozy corner close to the stage.

I sat with my legs crossed towards him so that my dress hiked up. I was leaning on him and made sure there was lots of physical contact. I even touched his thigh while excitedly making a point about something! There was way more flirting this time, and sex jokes like crazy.

I asked him if he dances and he said no. Then he got up out of his seat and showed me why. He did the most ridiculous dances for me including The Drunken Dad At A Social which had some amazing leg twitching and The Firehose which had some very intense gyrating near my face.

The first band was meh so we leaned in close and made fun of them. The second band was much better and we both shimmied in our seats quite a bit.

Things got kind of weird when we were chatting between the second and third bands...

He asked me what my "type" is and I told him I didn't really have one, which is true, my taste in men is all over the place. He said he didn't really have a type either. Then we proceeded to pick out people from the audience below that we thought were attractive. He only picked out one girl, and she looked a lot like me, which was comforting I guess? Then I picked out one guy and he agreed that the guy was attractive. Then he continued to pick out more guys...

I asked if he had been with a guy and he said yes and I think I may have just shrugged in response. This news honestly did not bother me at all, and I wasn't actually surprised by it. Then we spent the rest of the intermission criticizing the audience's clothing choices.

The car ride home was quieter than usual. All the flirtyness was gone. He wasn't as animated as before and we didn't talk much, although he did sing a little. When we pulled up to my place the goodbye was boring and I was uncomfortable.

This morning we went to Comic Con together. He won tickets and I had always been curious.

It pretty much lived up to my standards and we had a blast listening to the nerd conversations.

While admiring costumes some talk of fetish came up. Nothing scary or crazy, but I can tell we would have fun if we ever sleep together.

It is seriously driving me bonkers that we havent fucked yet. It is all I think about.

I have plans with the Original Old Guy on Wednesday. He is coming over for a romp and has promised to leave me "convulsing in a pool of human fluids" which is something I am looking forward to.

I am also emailing with a 48 year old. My new goal is to have sex with a man twice my age. I am hoping this will tide me over for a while and take my mind off things with 2.0.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Tug at my Heart Strings

NOTE: it must be sunday morning, because there seems to be a lot of activity going on at WWBWTBA...

The Stallion and I only get to see each other about twice a week with my ridiculous schedule so when we get together we make it count, going on dates for dinner and drinks and then get our kicks.

Thursday night we went out for dinner and sat at a huge table with a rounded banquette that was meant for six, we cuddled up in the corner and drank huge drinks and flirted under the table. We go back to my apartment with a bottle of wine and I tell him that I have my period, giving him the choice of what he wants to do with that. Obviously we still want to do something so we problem solve; I give him a blow job and he cums all over my chest. This gave me a rash between my boobs, which was not attractive by any means, another solution was needed.* We go do it in the shower, which is also kind of awkward, but at least we can make that work, even though I look like a drowned rat after we get out.

Somewhat disappointed by thursday night, I am really excited to see him again on saturday, we were going to go dancing and he was going to meet Zima, who is in town visiting her boyfriend (and me...). He meets me at work with his guitar in hand and we decide to get some take out and head over to my place. We get pick up a pizza, some booze and set ourselves up at my place to pre-game. Zima calls to let me know she is not feeling so great and can't come out. So this basically means we get to spend the entire night together, alone. Once I get off the phone the make out sesh beings right away and we have some of the most amazing sex to date.

Afterwards we always lay around half naked rolling around in bed and talking. This time he pulled out his guitar and played me sad, swoony Adele songs. He sang, and I sang along with him. He sang me songs he had written and we did a little free styling. I watched and laid on the bed in my underwear and he kept on playing until his fingers blistered.

It was wonderful and romantic and I got that "I am such a lucky girl" feeling. Then I tried to get him to stay the night, but I can't get him to do it. I want to wake up and have morning sex and go out for breakfast and drink orange juice together, god damn it! I know he is into me, but our commitment level is at a bit of a stand still, we haven't met each other's friends, we're not officially girlfriend/boyfriend, and I am concerned that this might start becoming a purely sexual relationship if we don't commit somewhat. Trust me, I like sex, but I also like him!

Tomorrow it will have been one month since our first date, and I am not trying to push anything on anyone, but a girl's got to know what to expect! I am always preaching to my friends to be content with what they've got and to simply enjoy it. So I think I am going to try and follow my own advice and bask in what I've got going on right here, right now.

*Apparently if you wash it off with soap and water right away rashes can be avoided.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Crashing the Balloon...

Not too long ago I went on a few dates with Hot Air Balloon Guy and things seemed to be going well and the sex was awesome and he was sweet and I liked him even though I had some reservations due to his looks. (He was not ugly, but he was hefty. I'm a curvy gal, but he was a BIG man, and as superficial as it sounds I did not find myself very physically attracted to him.)

After a nice night together he left for three weeks to work out of province. While he was gone we texted and skyped a bit and expressed interest in seeing each other again when he got back to town.

His first night back he picked me up and we went for dinner. As we were walking up to the restaurant we ran into some close friends of mine and I actually found myself embarrassed to be seen with him. This is obviously a bad sign.

After dinner we went to his place and had sex and it was nice and then I went home.

The following night he came to my place and after having a round of sex we were cuddling and chatting and then he got really quiet. I looked at him and I could tell he wanted to say something and I finally got him to speak. He sad "Can...can I call you my girlfriend?"

I was kind of taken back by this. We didn't really know each other and it was an awkward time for him to ask because his face was an inch from mine and we were all naked and pressed up against one another.

I kind of ducked giving a real answer and said "Only if you call me your guuurrrrrrrrlfriend." and I threw in a very ghetto head-bob thing for effect. He took this as "Yes! But of course!"

After a bit more sex and the greatest orgasm I've had in ages he said "There is nothing better than laying in bed after making love to your girlfriend."



I barfed internally. I. It was terrifying.

I do not "make love". I fuck.

Who makes love these days anyway?! It makes me think of the 80's for some reason....

And he kept kissing my forehead in this super sweet way and I was not feeling very okay with this.

He also approached the subject of changing our facebooks to "in a relationship" and I made a joke about how it should be "it's complicated" was awkward.

A couple of days later he came over again and we fucked (because that's what I do with my vagina) and it was still good sex and I just tried not to think about the other night with the love making crap.

The next morning he had to leave because during the winter he actually lives a 24 hour drive away from me. I knew this but it didn't really dawn on me until then that I had signed up for a long distance relationship.

What the hell is wrong with me? I am usually pretty good at speaking up and not getting stuck in uncomfortable shit like this!

So now it's been under a week of being his guurrrrlfriend and I need out because this is not what I want.

Also, there is someone else? Maybe....

Hot Air Balloon Guy left on Tuesday morning. On Wednesday evening I had a date with a 40 year old, Old Guy 2.0.

I had been emailing this guy for weeks. Probably since I had first been emailing with Hot Air Balloon Guy! Like, a seriously long time. And we finally decided to hang out.

He picked me up and when I got into his car the conversation flowed so easily. He is hilarious. And cute! And he ALWAYS opens the car door for me. He took me to his favorite Vietnamese restaurant and then we went to see a folk band. We were a bit early for the show so we sat in his car and hung out and chatted for a bit.

After the show he drove me home and made sure I got safely in my apartment before driving off.

The next day I had an email from him first thing in the morning saying that he had a blast and hoped I did too. A bit later in the afternoon he texted me and apologized for being creepy but wanted to know if I was free that evening because he had won tickets to see a band play that night.

I had a movie date that night with a gal pal and he was also going to see a movie with a friend so we arranged that I would text him when mine started and he would time it so that he would be at the theater I was at right when my movie ended to pick me up.

When my movie was done he was waiting in the lobby for me. It was cute! He said he thought it would be nice but then once he got there he realized it might come across as super creepy but I assured him it wasn't.

Three bands were playing and in between each we had lots of time to sit down and chat. I asked him about his romantic history and he told me he was divorced (which I find is a turn-on some how?) and that during the last five years of his marriage it was an open relationship and he had a serious girlfriend of three years during that period. He also told me about a few other girls but there didn't seem to be anyone too recently.

He asked about my history and I was vague but told him I dated fairly actively over the summer. This seemed to satisfy him and then we discussed beards at length.

The next day he asked if I was free to see a band with him tonight. Unfortunately I had plans but I'm sure I will see him in a couple of days.

I really do look forward to seeing him again but I need to deal with the Hot Air Balloon situation first before I get too deep with this new guy.

I am starting to realize that I may not be ready to be a one man kind of woman.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

First Step on the Slope: The Brothel

This story is essentially my first night hanging out with a (now) good friend and the first step on a slippery slope into months of increasingly absurd, outlandish and bizarre adventures in Asia. After this night, I knew my entire trip was going to be ridiculous, but also the time of my life. Here is how it all began.

Four friends and I went from HK to Macau for a weekend, mostly to play poker and party. For those of you who don’t know, Macau is like the Las Vegas of Asia.  After playing poker on Saturday night, we went to the bar. Then another bar. After the bars, we stayed overnight at a spa (spas in Macau have areas for sleeping so staying the night at a spa is not uncommon or weird like it would be back home). More specifically, we went to the spa at the Waldo hotel and casino. Except some spas in Macau are a little different, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, I mean that this spa is also a brothel.

Upon arriving at the spa/brothel, the first thing that you do is order what want off of the menu. In case you were wondering, yes, they have a real, physical menu. And yes, it is hilarious. I wanted to snap a photo of it but for obvious reasons, you’re not allowed to take photos in this place. Menu items range from the basic spa package to different massage options to various options involving one or more girls. The menu is pretty explicit, even listing additional prices for “special” things like accessories, costumes, sex toys, etc. This was going to be awesome.

I went with the basic spa package – a bed, the sauna, pools, hot tubs, food, etc. Another friend of mine got this package. Two friends got this plus a regular massage. As for #5, he had been talking a big game about getting a girl but is the sort of guy who always talks a big game and then never, ever follows through. Because of this, the rest of us had sort of agreed that we weren’t going to let him back out of his big talk again. He was going to fuck a hooker. And he was going to do it without us coming across as pressuring him into it. For some reason that probably made sense at the time but I can’t remember why, we called this Operation Desert Storm.

After ordering, they usher you into a changing room where you proceed to get naked and change into a towel right in front of the girls who work there. Just to be clear, these girls are spa employees, not "working girls". For a few seconds you question it but then they just tell you to change and wait for you to do it. And they look at you like an idiot when you don't get naked. Plus they're all hot because unlike back home where discrimination based on looks isn’t really allowed, they absolutely discriminate based on looks here. So you figure "why not? When in Rome, right?" and proceed to get naked while the spa hotties stand two feet away from you the whole time.

After the weird changing room situation, I used the sauna. Standard stuff. Then I went into the pool/bath. As all of our clothes were in a locker and all we had at this point was slippers and a towel, you basically you just go in there naked.  The employees, meanwhile, are just hanging around and seem so used to this that they are not fazed.  It was kind of like if you and four friends went skinny dipping at the local pool in broad daylight while the lifeguards watched the show.

After a while of sauna/baths I made my way into the shower. The showers aren’t closed off; they’re just behind a wall or around a corner with no door, sort of like airport bathrooms. Because of this, while you're in the shower, girls come in to try to pick up a client by flirting with you and touching you a little. For a second I thought it was because of how awesome and good looking I was and got a little boost of confidence. Then I remembered where I was and realized it was not because of my charm. But hey, I don’t even know this girl’s name yet and already we’re at 3rd base. Not too shabby.

After the shower I changed into shorts and a robe. The employees insisted on helping me do it as if I can’t tie shorts or put on a bathrobe. I was still naked but like I said, they INSIST on helping do these things. On one hand I kind of liked it, but I also kind of hated it because it makes you feel useless. At one point the girl’s hand/arm grazed my dick. I don’t know what protocol is in situations like this.  I acted like I didn’t feel it or it was no big deal. She either acted like nothing happened or is so used to this that she didn't care. This wasn't awkward at all.

Following the spa activities, we made our way into the next room to help our friend pick a girl. For some reason, I was expecting a massive orgy, something along the lines of “Eyes Wide Shut” but without the creepy costumes. Instead, it was more of a lounge seating area, where you can pick a girl, order food, get back and foot massages, watch tv, etc. We ordered food and more beer. Periodically, hot Asian girls would come by, usually one or two at a time and wearing incredibly skimpy outfits, to come take a guy away. I wasn't really into hookers in the beginning and for the most part, these girls didn't change my mind. Howeverthere was one girl who had me doubting my non-purchase decision. When I walked into the place there was a 99% chance I wasn't getting a girl and this one girl made it more like a 70-30 split. She was THAT hot.  Even now, I’m slightly disappointed that I didn’t do it. Some fat Chinese dude could have picked her but instead picked a different girl, who was still hot in a traditionally Asian kind of way but not even in the same league as this girl. What a moron.

After hanging out for a while we asked to see some girls for our friend.  While waiting for the girls, we had a detailed discussion on how to pick a prostitute. I have since learned the “art” of picking the right girl (a different story for a different time), but at the time none of us had any idea. Do you go based on looks alone? Based on the interest they show in you (with the reasoning behind this being that she’ll give you a better fuck since she’s actually into you)? Does personality matter? Do you go for a better face or better body? Someone likened it to choosing a horse to bet on. Who knew choosing a hooker could be so complicated?

For whatever reason – probably because it was 6am and even hookers need to sleep – it took an eternity for a girl to show up. My friends who had ordered massages had to go for their massages. What a disappointment for them. After what seemed like forever, a girl came out. Friend #5 was clearly disappointed with just one. We were all kind of expecting a stable of whores to come out and for him to be able to compare several at a time before choosing the girl he liked best. Apparently this actually happens if you come at a more reasonable time, but since we didn't even get there until at least 4:00 am most of the girls weren't around. #5 sent her back and asked to see more girls. After waiting another eternity, a girl came out to walk her previous client back to his chair and kissed the guy goodbye.  Friend #5 perked up a bit and said he wanted that one. He chose the girl from before who I thought the fat guy was crazy to choose.

Now, this selection shocked me for a couple of reasons.

1.     While she was clearly hot (and had great tits, I might add), she was not as hot as some other girls there. However, I know that this guy likes the really Asian-looking girls, so I shrugged this off as a “to each his own” sort of thing.
2.     More importantly, she had returned from JUST fucking this other guy. I mean, if your options are severely limited I could see maybe picking the sloppy seconds girl, but when you have your choice of a few girls why would anyone pick that one?  She's damaged goods.  If this was a clothing store, would you buy a pair of jeans that you just watched a fat dude pound, tear up, throw on the floor, cum on, then return to the store (I’m just spit-balling here)?  Of course not.  You'd buy a different pair of jeans.  Even though you know somebody probably tried that pair on at some point and may have stretched them or thrown them around, it's out of sight and out of mind.  I couldn't (and still can't) wrap my head around this decision. She wouldn't have been my top choice even before fucking that other dude and she DEFINITELY wasn't my first choice afterwards.

In general, I think the whole sloppy seconds thing is stupid provided that there is a period of time in between.  Hooking up with a girl who someone else hooked up with a few weeks or months ago is not a big deal. Guys might joke about it and I can’t speak for all of us, but at least for me it isn’t important. However, when it is a true sloppy seconds, things are a bit different.  I mean…she JUST fucked another guy.  Minutes ago! Gross.

I tried to steer him in the right direction with not-so-subtle questions like "you sure you want that one? She was just with that dude" but after he said yes a couple of times I stopped questioning it. Whatever. It’s his choice, not mine. The manager told the girl, even the girl seemed surprised he picked her, and then the two of them disappeared into what I imagine to be some sort of sex lair.

The next morning (well…2 pm) I got up groggy and slightly hung over. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and got a nice surprise when a hot Asian girl fondled me in the shower.  You know, just another regular morning.  After going with the flow for a minute or two in my barely conscious state, I remembered that I was at a brothel in Macau and that this was a hooker, not an awesome dream. What a rude awakening.  I dismissed her.  Now I had nobody to fondle me but myself.  Shame.  After debriefing with the others, it turns out that the regular massage at this place is not a regular massage. The happy ending massage is so standard that they just call it a regular massage on the menu and don't even ask you or anything. At one point they just reach for your dick and jerk you off like it's no big deal. Both of my friends seemed pleasantly surprised by this.  As for me, I kind of wish that I had gotten a massage.  Oh well.  Next time, right?

Around 2:30, we dispatched one of the spa hotties to wake our friend up so that we could a) leave; and b) go over how his night went. I don't remember all of the details, but the gist of it was that he had a great time. At one point there was a butt plug involved and apparently blowjobs involving ice cubes are the shit. I’ll have to try that out at some point. His only complaint was that supposedly they start timing 60 minutes from the time you pick the girl so it includes whatever flirting you do, walking to the room, etc. Still, he seemed quite satisfied overall with his purchase.

In case you were wondering, my friend paid around $250 (including the spa stuff as well as the girl) for his "cultural experience".

If you’re in Macau any time soon, I definitely recommend staying at this place for just one night. Even without getting a girl the experience is pretty unique and unlike anything else I have ever encountered.  Get some friends together, have some drinks, and experience the craziness that words just can't do justice.

Friday, October 14, 2011


For the last couple of weeks I have been seeing my Italian Stallion. Everything has been going really well, right after the first night we 'got together' we had to spend the week apart. My parents were visiting and we were both going out of town for Thanksgiving. It was slightly torturous; it had been a long time since I had felt this way about a guy I hooked up with so I was slightly torn like a sad puppy dog. We missed each other and sent messages, making up pretend dinners together and talking about jersey shore.

The first morning after he got back we were supposed to meet for breakfast. I guess we were really anxious and we wanted to see each other as soon as possible. However breakfast didn't work out and I was a little disappointed, and by a little I mean I told every single girl in my program that I was supposed to be eating bacon with a boy and since it wasn't happening they were more than welcome to pity me.

Although breakfast didn't work out, dinner did. And after dinner he walked me to my evening class, and because he missed me so much he decided to wait around until it was done to see me some more. He waited around for three full hours just so that I could go to class and then we could hang out for a drink. Do you know how much learning I did in that class? A whole lotta none. All I could think about was how I didn't shave my legs... I figured I was safe for a brunch date, apparently not. I had to run back to my apartment and do the world's fastest shave so that I looked presentable when I finally got naked after drinks.

We had amazing sex.

Three times.

And now we are officially dating.

And do you know how I got to where I am now ladies? I wished for it. Thats right, every 11:11 I saw I wished for some man to be just around the corner in my life. I wished for a boyfriend on my birthday cake candles. Yes, I am 23 years old, but I still believe in wishes, and a boyfriend is pretty much the only thing I can't buy (other than a pony). And although many of you might not be up for thinking that wishes come true, I am a mother fucking princess so my life is a fairy tale where everything comes true. I mean... I think that by wishing for it I was open to new opportunities and I know thats what was stopping me before. You're never going to meet mr. right, or even mr. right-now if you can't throw yourself out there into the game ladies! No one is going to give you what you want, so you got to go out and get it yourself.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Second/Fourth Date

After my lovely night spent with my Italian Stallion I was kind of like a giddy school girl. How on earth could that have gone so well, especially after he was so late, it turned out, that when he turned up he turned up the heat.

That night we had made plans to see each other again on Friday, a good six days after out first meeting. However, monday night rolls around, he texts me saying he is downtown and if I would like to go for coffee. I am in my school's computer lab, which is hot and smells like a gym sock. I'd been at school all day after a late night and I looked like a soccer mom. No, I did not want to go for coffee. But really, I really really wanted to go for coffee. I also didn't want to be a jerk and turn him down. But I looked like crap. I hummed and hawed over this for a while. So after initially telling him that I needed to do work, I decided that we should in fact meet up. I go to the bathroom, make the most decent attempt at making myself look presentable and then waltz on over to the Starbucks where he was waiting for me.

He approached me, I was going to give him a hug, but something happened and I kissed him? I think "oh my god, I don't even know this guy, I show up and kiss him in public, it's like we are dating already, whatthefuckamidoing?" Awkward.

We have coffee. You know what coffee is like. You talk, you drink, you talk. The end.

I wasn't sure what to think. I mean, the conversation flowed, but what was it that was really going on between us? Was there something, or was I just really horny? He walked me home after we get kicked out of the coffee shop and he kisses me goodnight in front of my apartment building.

Two days go by and I don't hear from him.

Thursday rolls around and Stallion is at my school for a career fair. Thankfully I knew this was coming before hand and I dressed my age so that if we got to meet up I wouldn't look like I had popped out a few children. We go for drinks. And we talk.  Three hours pass. We finish up, he walks me home and he kisses me goodnight in front of my apartment. There is beginning to be a theme here I think.

Friday finally comes. I am so giddy. I know I am getting laid, because really, what guy would invest that much time in a girl unless they knew they were going to get something out of it (other than great conversation of course). Its raining, and its ruining my hair. It's cold, which is making my freshly shaved legs all prickly. Why is mother nature ruining this for me!? Nevertheless, he picks me up from work in his beamer, I don't kiss him when I get into the car. Car kisses are the most awkward things and I hate leaning over and I don't know what to do.

We go to a nice pub that has dark corners and lots of fire places. I am starving so I order muscles which I down in a millisecond. Super classy. We eat, we drink, we do shots, and obviously we talk. I accidentally tell him my entire dating history (even though I have a strict rule not to talk about exs). After a while I think he gets tired of talking and suggests we go to my place. We had already made plans to play truth or dare, so we start with that. At this age truth is way more interesting, so we do a lot of that, but really thats just a lot more talking. He asks me to dare him, and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything good! I am so lame. I could have gotten him to take off his shirt or something, but then if we kept on talking he is just sitting on my couch without a shirt on... Then I let him dare me; "I dare you to kiss me" he says.

I melted.

Yes, I am a 14 year old girl. Yes, I live in a really cheesy movie. Yes, you can be jealous of how amazing that is.

Obviously it's all fun from there. He asks me if I want to go to bed with him, I say yes, and he takes my hand and he leads me there.

Obviously it's super romantic with his pillowy lips and everything.

After the first time we do it he goes to the bathroom, I put on his white and blue striped dress shirt and wait for him to come back. Of course this aways gets them going. We laze around for a bit before he takes it off again. After the second time he claims that I can be his little side project while I am at school. I give him a questioning look, "yeah, what are you doing for the next two years?"

Melt x2.

The we dork it out and he shows me his AutoCAD app for his iPhone.

He stays into the early morning, but it's late and my father was coming on a 6am flight. This was going to be the last time I saw him for a good week and a bit until after thanksgiving. Bah, now all I can think of is how disgustingly cute he is and what I did to please the Internet Gods.