First Step on the Slope: The Brothel

This story is essentially my first night hanging out with a (now) good friend and the first step on a slippery slope into months of increasingly absurd, outlandish and bizarre adventures in Asia. After this night, I knew my entire trip was going to be ridiculous, but also the time of my life. Here is how it all began.

Four friends and I went from HK to Macau for a weekend, mostly to play poker and party. For those of you who don’t know, Macau is like the Las Vegas of Asia.  After playing poker on Saturday night, we went to the bar. Then another bar. After the bars, we stayed overnight at a spa (spas in Macau have areas for sleeping so staying the night at a spa is not uncommon or weird like it would be back home). More specifically, we went to the spa at the Waldo hotel and casino. Except some spas in Macau are a little different, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, I mean that this spa is also a brothel.

Upon arriving at the spa/brothel, the first thing that you do is order what want off of the menu. In case you were wondering, yes, they have a real, physical menu. And yes, it is hilarious. I wanted to snap a photo of it but for obvious reasons, you’re not allowed to take photos in this place. Menu items range from the basic spa package to different massage options to various options involving one or more girls. The menu is pretty explicit, even listing additional prices for “special” things like accessories, costumes, sex toys, etc. This was going to be awesome.

I went with the basic spa package – a bed, the sauna, pools, hot tubs, food, etc. Another friend of mine got this package. Two friends got this plus a regular massage. As for #5, he had been talking a big game about getting a girl but is the sort of guy who always talks a big game and then never, ever follows through. Because of this, the rest of us had sort of agreed that we weren’t going to let him back out of his big talk again. He was going to fuck a hooker. And he was going to do it without us coming across as pressuring him into it. For some reason that probably made sense at the time but I can’t remember why, we called this Operation Desert Storm.

After ordering, they usher you into a changing room where you proceed to get naked and change into a towel right in front of the girls who work there. Just to be clear, these girls are spa employees, not "working girls". For a few seconds you question it but then they just tell you to change and wait for you to do it. And they look at you like an idiot when you don't get naked. Plus they're all hot because unlike back home where discrimination based on looks isn’t really allowed, they absolutely discriminate based on looks here. So you figure "why not? When in Rome, right?" and proceed to get naked while the spa hotties stand two feet away from you the whole time.

After the weird changing room situation, I used the sauna. Standard stuff. Then I went into the pool/bath. As all of our clothes were in a locker and all we had at this point was slippers and a towel, you basically you just go in there naked.  The employees, meanwhile, are just hanging around and seem so used to this that they are not fazed.  It was kind of like if you and four friends went skinny dipping at the local pool in broad daylight while the lifeguards watched the show.

After a while of sauna/baths I made my way into the shower. The showers aren’t closed off; they’re just behind a wall or around a corner with no door, sort of like airport bathrooms. Because of this, while you're in the shower, girls come in to try to pick up a client by flirting with you and touching you a little. For a second I thought it was because of how awesome and good looking I was and got a little boost of confidence. Then I remembered where I was and realized it was not because of my charm. But hey, I don’t even know this girl’s name yet and already we’re at 3^rd base. Not too shabby.

After the shower I changed into shorts and a robe. The employees insisted on helping me do it as if I can’t tie shorts or put on a bathrobe. I was still naked but like I said, they INSIST on helping do these things. On one hand I kind of liked it, but I also kind of hated it because it makes you feel useless. At one point the girl’s hand/arm grazed my dick. I don’t know what protocol is in situations like this.  I acted like I didn’t feel it or it was no big deal. She either acted like nothing happened or is so used to this that she didn't care. This wasn't awkward at all.

Following the spa activities, we made our way into the next room to help our friend pick a girl. For some reason, I was expecting a massive orgy, something along the lines of “Eyes Wide Shut” but without the creepy costumes. Instead, it was more of a lounge seating area, where you can pick a girl, order food, get back and foot massages, watch tv, etc. We ordered food and more beer. Periodically, hot Asian girls would come by, usually one or two at a time and wearing incredibly skimpy outfits, to come take a guy away. I wasn't really into hookers in the beginning and for the most part, these girls didn't change my mind. Howeverthere was one girl who had me doubting my non-purchase decision. When I walked into the place there was a 99% chance I wasn't getting a girl and this one girl made it more like a 70-30 split. She was THAT hot.  Even now, I’m slightly disappointed that I didn’t do it. Some fat Chinese dude could have picked her but instead picked a different girl, who was still hot in a traditionally Asian kind of way but not even in the same league as this girl. What a moron.

After hanging out for a while we asked to see some girls for our friend.  While waiting for the girls, we had a detailed discussion on how to pick a prostitute. I have since learned the “art” of picking the right girl (a different story for a different time), but at the time none of us had any idea. Do you go based on looks alone? Based on the interest they show in you (with the reasoning behind this being that she’ll give you a better fuck since she’s actually into you)? Does personality matter? Do you go for a better face or better body? Someone likened it to choosing a horse to bet on. Who knew choosing a hooker could be so complicated?

For whatever reason – probably because it was 6am and even hookers need to sleep – it took an eternity for a girl to show up. My friends who had ordered massages had to go for their massages. What a disappointment for them. After what seemed like forever, a girl came out. Friend #5 was clearly disappointed with just one. We were all kind of expecting a stable of whores to come out and for him to be able to compare several at a time before choosing the girl he liked best. Apparently this actually happens if you come at a more reasonable time, but since we didn't even get there until at least 4:00 am most of the girls weren't around. #5 sent her back and asked to see more girls. After waiting another eternity, a girl came out to walk her previous client back to his chair and kissed the guy goodbye.  Friend #5 perked up a bit and said he wanted that one. He chose the girl from before who I thought the fat guy was crazy to choose.

Now, this selection shocked me for a couple of reasons.

1.     While she was clearly hot (and had great tits, I might add), she was not as hot as some other girls there. However, I know that this guy likes the really Asian-looking girls, so I shrugged this off as a “to each his own” sort of thing.

2.     More importantly, she had returned from JUST fucking this other guy. I mean, if your options are severely limited I could see maybe picking the sloppy seconds girl, but when you have your choice of a few girls why would anyone pick that one?  She's damaged goods.  If this was a clothing store, would you buy a pair of jeans that you just watched a fat dude pound, tear up, throw on the floor, cum on, then return to the store (I’m just spit-balling here)?  Of course not.  You'd buy a different pair of jeans.  Even though you know somebody probably tried that pair on at some point and may have stretched them or thrown them around, it's out of sight and out of mind.  I couldn't (and still can't) wrap my head around this decision. She wouldn't have been my top choice even before fucking that other dude and she DEFINITELY wasn't my first choice afterwards.

In general, I think the whole sloppy seconds thing is stupid provided that there is a period of time in between.  Hooking up with a girl who someone else hooked up with a few weeks or months ago is not a big deal. Guys might joke about it and I can’t speak for all of us, but at least for me it isn’t important. However, when it is a true sloppy seconds, things are a bit different.  I mean…she JUST fucked another guy.  Minutes ago! Gross.

I tried to steer him in the right direction with not-so-subtle questions like "you sure you want that one? She was just with that dude" but after he said yes a couple of times I stopped questioning it. Whatever. It’s his choice, not mine. The manager told the girl, even the girl seemed surprised he picked her, and then the two of them disappeared into what I imagine to be some sort of sex lair.

The next morning (well…2 pm) I got up groggy and slightly hung over. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and got a nice surprise when a hot Asian girl fondled me in the shower.  You know, just another regular morning.  After going with the flow for a minute or two in my barely conscious state, I remembered that I was at a brothel in Macau and that this was a hooker, not an awesome dream. What a rude awakening.  I dismissed her.  Now I had nobody to fondle me but myself.  Shame.  After debriefing with the others, it turns out that the regular massage at this place is not a regular massage. The happy ending massage is so standard that they just call it a regular massage on the menu and don't even ask you or anything. At one point they just reach for your dick and jerk you off like it's no big deal. Both of my friends seemed pleasantly surprised by this.  As for me, I kind of wish that I had gotten a massage.  Oh well.  Next time, right?

Around 2:30, we dispatched one of the spa hotties to wake our friend up so that we could a) leave; and b) go over how his night went. I don't remember all of the details, but the gist of it was that he had a great time. At one point there was a butt plug involved and apparently blowjobs involving ice cubes are the shit. I’ll have to try that out at some point. His only complaint was that supposedly they start timing 60 minutes from the time you pick the girl so it includes whatever flirting you do, walking to the room, etc. Still, he seemed quite satisfied overall with his purchase.

In case you were wondering, my friend paid around $250 (including the spa stuff as well as the girl) for his "cultural experience".

If you’re in Macau any time soon, I definitely recommend staying at this place for just one night. Even without getting a girl the experience is pretty unique and unlike anything else I have ever encountered.  Get some friends together, have some drinks, and experience the craziness that words just can't do justice.