Thursday, December 30, 2010

I am really, truely Boy Crazy

I am stealing another post from  This one is a letter from one of her readers that she posted on her blog.  It makes a lot of sense.

Hey Alexi.

Love the blog. It’s good to read something honest.

Here’s some thoughts you may want to share online with your lady
readers who might want to know what guys think… or not. This is
what I have told my girl(platonic) friends sometimes. Less so when
I’m seeing someone. Go figure.

1. We don’t care about you diet / eating disorder / food neuroses.
It’s not interesting. It’s not quirky. It’s boring. You want to
lose weight? Do it discretely. Please don’t do it loudly at dinner.
And don’t order things and complain about how fat they’ll make you.
That just makes you look dumb and feckless. Oh, and it’s boring.
REALLY BORING. A neuroses is no substitute for a personality.

2. Yep, your ex was an asshole. We kind of want to know why, but
there’s a point where you’re just dumping daddy-rage on him. It’s
that point where you’re a total victim and he’s a total asshole.
When it gets there, it gets weird. Take some responsibility for the
relationship not working out. You’re allowed to be angry, but you
were half of the problem. (No really, you were. Go figure that shit

3. Ditto for us – if everything was our ex-s fault, we’re full of
it too. Just so you know.

4. Don’t be a victim in life. Not sure where girls learn this, but
be proactive.

5. Don’t give up on giving head or hand jobs cos your neck/hands
are tired. You’d think we’re assholes if we did the same. You
totally would. Good sex is convincing someone you’re into something
cos it’s getting them off even when your hand is aching. (this
works for boys too, I guess, but I’m never there for that / have
too much professional pride so I can’t compare)

6. That thing about obsessing over your weight / appearance again.
Let’s go back to that. Total turn off. Either be confident or fake
confidence. Sure, later, when we’re living together you can relax a
little but to be honest, if you’re obsessing like that, then you’ve
got a problem you need to work on. And we’re not shrinks. (well,
unless…). Imagine if we did it – “do I look fat?” “ugh! I’ve
gotten so fat!” “I shouldn’t eat this!” ALL THE TIME. Right?
Horrid. You’d dump us super fast. Don’t endlessly fish for
compliments. Any guy who wants to hang out with a needy woman has
issues of his own. You’ll get co-dependent of whatever, and who
wants to do that shit? Not saying you have to be superwoman, but
neediness is not cool in general, for anyone. And be afraid if
you’ve got a guy who feeds off of it – that’s a red flag there.
Dump any guy who wants to keep you weak. IMMEDIATELY.

7. The only thing that will come out of you telling us you want to
get surgery is that we’ll possibly notice what you’re trying to
change. Don’t use this conversation as a way to fish. Keep that
shit to yourself. Or your gay/girlfriends /sisters/besties. Or
until we’ve moved in or something. But don’t expect us to be
enthusiastic about it. It’s your obsession goddamit. We already
like you as you are by this point. Why are you getting all vain all
of a sudden? It’s like we moved in and now you’ve gone nuts. Jeez.
What happened to you!!? THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR
NOSE/BOOBS/LIPS. IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD. (That’s what we’ll feel,
and you’ll get pissed because we don’t understand. And we don’t,
not really. But it’s your hang-up, not ours. Own it. Don’t make us
responsible to try to shift the focus away from the fact that
you’re already beautiful but have a hang up which is nothing to do
with us).

8. If we’re trying to get you to have surgery. Dump us.
Immediately. Same if we’re trying to make you look like someone
else in ANY way. Press delete.

9. Ditto for guys who neg you all the time. Dump them right now.
Don’t read any more. Do it. Get up and send that text. Done it?
Good. Single again? Great. You deserve to be treated right. Wanna
go get coffee later and hang out? Great. I’d be completely into
hanging out with you. You’re amazing.

10. Cut us some slack with nasty jokes. It’s in our DNA, we’re
raised to be a little harsher. We make more inappropriate comments
in boy world. And if we cross the line, we can get clipped, but
boys are nastier. And you like that, sometimes. But do pay
attention to how we talk about women / our moms. Close attention.
We can give the game away right there.

11. Around the first date it’s all on us: Don’t call us (unless
you’re returning a call). Don’t go text fishing. You have to kind
of let us know you’re open to our advances (being super aloof just
looks like the same as “fuck off” to us), but MAKE US DO THE WORK.
Either you’re worth it or we’re not. We don’t always like this but
we appreciate it. After a couple of dates you can relax. This isn’t
just playing games; it’s called courtship. We call/text when we’re
interested–or not, if we’re not. Once we’re seeing each other then
we can both relax about this shit a little, right? That part is
called trust.

12. Don’t accept a first date via text. Sure, you can
communicate/flirt by text before hand – even find out schedules
etc, but we should be calling you for a first date. It’s good
manners. The invite should be a phone call. If we can’t get it
together at that stage you think it’s ever going to improve?

13. Rarely give us the benefit of the doubt. Like once or twice.
After that, you’re letting shit slide and soon you’ll be making
excuses for us. Call us out on our shit. You don’t have to go
nuclear, but if you don’t tell us what pisses you off and it
festers we can’t fix it, and you’ll get mad we’re not psychic and
then it’s game over. But once you’ve dealt with it, let it go. We
can’t turn apologizing for being late that time into a lifetime’s
work. No, really. Let it go. You’re still bringing THAT up? It was
ages ago. Really? Really….???

14. We should pay on the first (few) dates. But to be fair, you
should order like you’re paying. We want you to have a good time,
but while you’re sizing us up we’re doing the same to you. Class
has got nothing to do with money. How much we like you/you’re worth
is not connected to the value of the free food/booze/whatever.
Acting like it is is cheap. It’s not really about the money, here,
is it? If it’s cheap of us to split the check (And it is) it’s
cheap of you to take advantage. That’s no way to start an affair,
is it? (and don’t pretend you don’t ever do this. We know you
have). It’s a good rule for life – don’t sit down to any meal
you’re not prepared to pay for. That way, there’s no weird tension
except sexual frisson.

15. Don’t be passive in bed. Please. Thank you. No one wants a dead
fuck. it takes two…

16. Yeah, you’re right. If we’ve been to a prostitute or like strip
clubs too much, then it’s saying quite a lot about us and how we
view women and sex. Once is potentially an experiment – but more
than that…? (Really. How can you suspend your disbelief and
ignore that the women are only doing it for the money. How needy
would that make us?)

17. Nothing’s more attractive than a woman with a plan, a goal,
some drive. Passive girls are as boring as passive boys.

18. Girls can be curvy. Girls can have small boobs and be slim. The
sexiest girls are the ones who don’t give a fuck what we think
about how they look. WE REALLY LIKE THAT. If we don’t, then we’ve
got issues.

19. You can never fix us. If we’re douches, we’re staying that way.
You are not going to be the one. Save yourself some heartache. Not
going to happen. And the bigger the douche, the better we are at
manipulating people because we need to manipulate people cos we’re
a douche.

20. Ignore all the shit that we say and watch what we DO.

21. However you feel about us in your gut is right. And I mean
‘feel in your gut’, not ‘wish in your head’. Act accordingly. See?
It’s working out for the best already, isn’t it?

Of course, all of the above might be why I’m single, but, still….
Happy New Year Alexi.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Boys... Might Just Be Hanging in Your Past?

Remember that guy you used to work with, maybe 3 or 4 years ago? You know, the one who was on his way to being really attractive, had a winning wit and charm about him, and was maybe even smart? Yeah, the one who had just turned 18 at the time and still had the weird, bitchy high school girlfriend?

Not that Molly Ringwald was ever weird, and/or bitchy.

Yeah, that guy.

Well, I knew that guy, and at age 20 I hadn't really matured to the point at which I could accept dating a younger guy - and of course, definitely not one with the weird, bitchy high school girlfriend. A couple of years later, however, we've gotten back in touch thanks to a handy little internet tool I like to call "Facebook," and after a few weeks of exchanging posts and messages back and forth, we progressed to texting, and finally we had a nice little get-together of drinks at a local pub planned yesterday although I wasn't entirely sure whether or not it was officially "a date."

This is what internet flirting looks like.

Of course, in my current job I work with the general disgusting public and not so conveniently came down with an ugly plague-like flu on Thursday, meaning that I had to postpone. He expressed, to my glee, great disappointment and we are now not only going for drinks, but also to a local art gallery on Wednesday. This one is a date for sure. Win!

Enjoys being a GENTLEMAN. Get it? I'm hilarious.

Anyway, my point, ladies, is if you have been having trouble meeting appropriate suitors lately, think back to your crappy college job 3 years ago. Maybe there is one that you've already met. Granted, chances are that all the boys you worked with then probably still work there and have no real future, but maybe, just maybe, one of them moved out of town for a few years and got into post-modern literature, enjoys going to the theatre and being a gentleman. Maybe.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Man Repelling And The Case Of Us Not Getting Any Man Action

As I mentioned in November, two lady pals and myself have recently moved out of the homes and warm embraces of our parentals into our own humble abode.

Our place is located in the Osborne Village area of Winnipeg, which, if you are not familiar, is one of the heppest parts in town.  For serious.

We discovered shortly after our move that the neighborhood Safeway is overflowing with beautiful men around 6pm.  Obviously this means that popping in for some milk or fruit after work has become a common routine even when we don't really need groceries.  Once, when while bored one evening we even got super dressed up to go to Safeway.

We get looks, there is no question about that.  We may even get a couple of friendly smiles.  What we never get are takers.  At first we were all very much confused.  We are cute, clean, and well dressed girls.  See below:

(Ignore the men in these, they are of no consequence)

A couple of days ago K, one of the roomies and a fellow blogger, stumbled across a blog that opened our eyes:  The Man Repeller.

The Man Repeller is some chick in NY who talks about how things that give us "lady boners" are the same things that make men's junk go super limp.  This means that when the roomies and I are getting dressed to go out and ask each other how we look and we all think we look super amazing and hot we are really setting ourselves up to come home empty vaginaed.

I mean, I know it makes sense.  What guys would understand how awesome things like shoulder pads, turbans, fur hats, skull rings, epaulettes, coloured tights, and stewardess caps are?!  NOT MANY apparently!

So when we see hot guys out with their homely girlfriends and we are all like "WTF, she is so sad and boring looking!  We are so much hotter!"  we can now understand that the only reason he went for her, aside from her "winning personality", is because fashionable gals like us confuse the hell out of him and he is afraid to kiss us because he doesn't know how to do it without getting our feather collars stuck in his teeth.