Monday, September 19, 2011

The New Fall Lineup: A Bad Idea?



In a recent post I went on about how I am ready to keep my pants on and my tits in my top for the first few dates with the new guys I have been interested in.

And now I am having doubts. In fact, thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. SUPER DUPER uncomfortable.

I am sitting here typing this and shaking and thinking about how I could use a stiff drink (or cock) to settle my nerves. Alas, I have none. Well, I am always sure to have JUST IN CASE numbers in my phone, BUT I am trying to break the habit.

Okay. So this week's dates.

I had arranged to have one with a 38 year old who was super nervous about the 14 year age difference. He was emailing me six times a day. I would email him something and his response would be four emails. Then he would email to check in an wish me an awesome day. Then he would email in the evening just for the sake of it.

It was excessive, annoying as fuck, and he couldn't spell for shit. I also got the feeling he was slow...and he sent me a picture and he looked kind of cross-eyed. (This makes me sound ridiculous...I am really all over the place in terms of physical attraction, Mr. T was a death metal disaster who wore denim vests covered in patches. I am going nowhere with this. Other than the fact that I have fucked weird looking guys.)

So I was getting a weird feeling about this 38 year old. I couldn't put my finger on it. All I knew was that I was not looking forward to this date. I was feeling icky about it.

The day of the date, I'm at work talking it out with my coworker and she convinced me to cancel it. And I realized I had to. I had a feeling he would kill me or something. So I emailed him, hoping he would get it in time, and then I blocked him. End of that dude.

The next day I had a date with a much more promising guy. Hot Air Balloon guy. This guy fucking flies hot air balloons for a living! It seemed pretty boss to me. He also seemed normal, and was able to communicate in proper english.

We decided to meet at a coffee shop by my place. I stroll in and spot him right away. He is a big guy. Over six feet, broad shoulders, and just generally SOLID (hefty?). I knew this going into it, and I'm ok with it (I think?) because I am a curvy gal. (But, like, big guy's dicks always seem so small....like, in relation to everything else.)

We both get tea and have a seat and the conversation is super easy. And I laugh my ass off. He is a big nerd. HUGE. But he let me make fun of him for it, which is important to me because that is my sense of humour and I always fuck up and hurt people's feelings by accident because they don't GET me. Right. So the talking was good. And he has a sweet face.

After talking for an hour and a half I suggest we go for a walk. We walked and talked about bugs and stuff and it was nice. At the end of the night I kind of took control of the situation because I could tell he was sort of nervous. I said I would like to see him again and he agreed. Then I made him give me a hug and I ended the night with out even taking off my cardigan. This was very grown up and responsible.

A couple of days ago was my second date with Hot Air Balloon guy. It was a decent five hours. He picked me up and we grabbed a coffee and chatted for a bit. Then we walked around an antique mall and some other shops. We then decided to go to the zoo. We spent a few hours at the zoo, wandering, making fun of animals, almost being eaten by a lion, and some flirting. His nerdiness was even more evident, but he was still good humoured about it when I poked fun. He identified all the planes that flew overhead, and there were lots because we were near the airport. Then he took me for sushi. Sushi is kind of an awkward date food. I get paranoid that guys are watching me eat the big pieces to gauge how much of their dick will fit in my mouth. He didn't seem to do this, which was nice.

After dinner he walked me home because the restaurant was right near my place. At the door we made plans to get together again this week to watch Indiana Jones because I've never seen it. As I was talking about how he can also teach me about Dungeons and Dragons he was slowly moving closer and kind of leaning on the gate. I could see the look in his eyes that told me that he wanted to kiss me but wasn't going to make a move because he was too polite. So I gave him and side hug and a super chaste kiss on the lips. The kind of kiss I would give my grandmother.

Okay. So I had a nice time. Right? Right! I did.

I am not trying to convince myself, I did honestly enjoy myself and his company. I am just at a loss. I have no idea if he will be able to satisfy my wants and it's making me want to call it all off.

What if he is a shit kisser?! Kissing is so important, even when it comes to hook-ups. If you can't make my groin feel a flutter of need when we are kissing, then it's not worth my time. And this super chaste kiss? I mean, I am obviously not going to be able to tell much from that, but I didn't really feel like pulling him in for some tongue either.

And what about his dick. What if it's no good? Then I will totally hurt his feelings because we will have gone on all these chaste dates and then when he takes his pants off I'm all "Um, you know what..no thanks. Changed my mind."

What if he doesn't do what I need him to do. What if he is afraid of hurting me. What if he doesn't bite like I like. What if he is no good with his hands?! I am already so certain that he is going to be a flop in the sack AND IT IS SO DISTRACTING. Is this unreasonable?! Why is it making me freak out like this?!

I realize that I am not tied to Hot Air Balloon. I could call him right now and say no thank you. But that would be stupid. As paranoid as I am about all this sex stuff, I am more paranoid that I will accidentally miss out on a good thing.

Anyways. That night after the date I was semi-panicked about how a nice guy actually likes me, which I realize is ridiculous. I cracked open and beer, happened to be listening to some sexy music, and I decided to see what Guy #2 was up to for the next day.

This was an asshole move because not only did I know I had a guy who likes me, but Guy #2 has issues of his own and was interested in me but I said no thanks and now I was going to use him for sex. I am such a champ.

Guy #2 and I arranged for him to come over in the evening the next day between work and a meeting. I think I was excited. I know I was drunk and horny...

Then the girls and I decided to go to the bar to see some bands. As I am standing there, kind of shimmying to the music, I notice an attractive giant come stand next to me. I recognized him immediately. This is the hot guy I see walking down the street in front of work everyday. He also slept with a friend of mine a few years ago. And he has an online dating profile through which I had contacted him a few weeks ago.

This was an opportunity.

I descreetly blotted any oil from my face, dealt with the beer/cigarette breath, adjusted my tits (he was much taller than me and would have a perfect view down my top), and prepared my opening line.

As the band was playing I noticed he had spotted me and so as soon as the band stopped we kind of started to talk to each other at the same time.

He is blonde, about 6'4, has stretched ears, and super hip dork glasses. I have had a crush on this guy for years. And now I was finally talking to him!

I tried to play it cool but I was kind of speechless and drunk. I had a hard time being witty and quick, and I kind of felt like I was floundering. He was kind of awkward too though, and when he said stupid things he would say something like "don't fuck this up, big guy!" under his breath. It was charming, trust me.

We also made an inside joke about how stupid the second band looked in their matching vests and he kept trying to convince me to go up to them an politely ask for one of my own.

Eventually the band started to play so we couldn't really talk anymore except a little between songs.

During the last song the guitarist lept off stage and grabbed me and put me between himself and his guitar and demanded I play. I am not a musician so I just kind plunked sadly on the damn thing while he actually played. I wish I had been more drunk at this point but unfortunately the beer had worn off.

It was now after 2am and I was tired, sober, and had to work the next morning. I know I could have gone home with Hot Nerd Guy, we even discussed how comfortable his bed would be to spend the next day in, but I was really just ready to sleep.

When I turned around to face him he was talking to a friend of his so I just squeezed his arm and said that I hoped we would run into each other again.

On the walk home I realized I should have slipped him my number. I am a dipshit. So I emailed him when I got home. Finger crossed!

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