Wednesday, August 8, 2012

What Separates Men From Boys

The following is an excerpt from a text conversation I had earlier with a guy I was seeing for a few weeks. The back story: he's great on paper -- smart, funny, has a great job, owns a car. In practice however, he's rather timid, somewhat shy, and incredibly awkward, which I found endearing... until I didn't. He has a big dick, he lasts a long time, and he knows how to use it and his fingers, but not once in the handful of times we had sex did he so much as attempt to take his mouth anywhere below my chest. He also nearly cried when there was a little blood on the condom once. Definitely wasn't going to work.

Last night he started asking me for dating/girl advice, as when I broke it off with him I told him "I think that you're perfect for someone, it's just not me," and as all nice guys do, he wanted to stay friends. He's tried a bit of online dating that's led to nothing, and he doesn't really know how to approach women IRL, but he says that with his new great job, he's finding himself wanting to settle down more and more, (keep in mind, still lives with his parents. Settle in the basement? I don't know.) He's also decided that he wants to date older women. Right.

I gave him some tips, and then went to meet my friend for a few drinks. He texted me more while out, and eventually I felt that this was the appropriate response:

Me: Alright, I'm going to give you the best advice you'll ever get: IF you are going to try dating older women you're going to need to get over your fear of blood, and you're going to need to start going down on them - and I mean that honestly for your own advancement, and in no way as an insult.
Me: Not necessarily at the same time.
Him: I had 2 gut-wrenching experiences in that department, so I'm not sure
Me: In which department?
Him: Going down...
Me: So? You think your spunk tastes like jolly ranchers or something?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well, it doesn't.
Him: Okay
Me: It separates the men from the boys. And women want men. Otherwise you may as well stick to dating teenagers.


  1. Zima, this post really resonates. As someone who has watched a boy eat a pizza and spitefully said "I wish my vagina was that pizza", I'm really glad you gave this boy some advice. well done.

    1. Why thanks, Coco. I felt bad for the kid. He's so clueless.

      PROLOGUE: As it turns out, the "gut-wrenching experiences" were 1) blood and 2) mouldy vagina. I told him to ask a girl if she's on her perioud (duh), and to date girls who shower.

  2. A mouldy vagina? Who the fuck is this guy going out with? You'd think he would have figured out it was going to be a nasty situation before he even got close to the vag.

    1. Something about judgement clouded by male hormones? Beats me.