How to meet your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend and win.

*I must preface this with, I don't know if I would call my situation totally normal, but I feel like there is a lot to learn from it anyway. Also, he wasn't really my boyfriend, but that is a bit of another story.*

There are a few important steps you should consider before/whilst meeting your ex's new girlfriend. It's important to follow these steps, or it could be a recipe for disaster, which is fine, if thats what you want, but I am more of the passive aggressive type.

Number 1. Look at yourself in the mirror to remind yourself how pretty you are, and that what he idiot he is, because he lost out on your nice tits. Even if you don't have nice tits, I am sure you have some redeeming quality that made him want to date you in the first place.

Number 2. Stalk the shit out of her. This is especially great if you don't know her already. Find her facebook, look through all her unflattering pictures where she smiles and it gives her a double chin. Judge all of her physical attributes; she's 5'3"? no, actually she is a midget; she has a round face? more like she looks like a heifer. Just rag on her, and then invite your friends over so that they can rag on her too. Of course they will tell you how much prettier you are then her and that it looks like she has no personalty.

Number 3. Prepare. It is imperative that you look fucking amazing. She is not going to expect you to be well dressed, so you need to act all cool and not get over dressed, even though it took you three hours to find the perfect outfit. effortlesslyfuckingamazing. she can't compete with that. Since she is a midget, you need to wear your highest heels, because you have legs and she has tree stumps. You wear lipstick because she wears chapstick. When your ex sees you, his jaw is going to be on the floor and his other girl is going to notice.

Number 4. Be so nice. She can't hate you if you're nice. Be so interested, talk to her so much that she can't talk to her real boyfriend. Also, then you can find out things and use it against her. It's her birthday on the weekend? Plan it. And send her to the most amazing overly expensive restaurant that shows how much better taste you have.

Number 5. Let all of his friends whisper into your ear how much better you are then her. She'll probably hear. But it's not you being a bitch, even if you know it on the inside, she does too.

Number 6. Hug her goodbye. "It was so nice to meet you..." it's awkward, but you're in control and she has to abide by it, and fake smile, and say "yeah, you too..." Smile back big. Smile with you're eyes, like you mean it, or you're going to kill her in her sleep.

Number 7. Oh, and then you can make out with his best friend on your way home. Hey, if he gets to go home with his new lady friend then you should probably get some action too. No one likes a loser.

However, if these steps don't work for you, i fully endorse the girl fight. Just pull out her hair, it wasn't very nice anyway. Either way, you can walk away knowing that you're the better person, and that she is going to be asking a shit load of questions about you afterwards, it might even ruin their mood.

NOTE: You know it's no contest when she starts cutting her toe nails with the scissors on her pocket knife while everyone else is predrinking... no contest.