Old Fogey: Part 2

Last week I had my second encounter with Old Guy. It was amazing.

This time I just went straight to his place after work. Why waste time with small talk and drinks?

We got down to business right away. When we stopped for breaks he would sing and at one point he even danced.

This is his favorite song right now, he sang it very loudly and it was hilarious to see him dance naked like the guy in the blue jacket:



After going at it for a while we were laying in his bed chatting and he told me about how he had pierced a woman's nipple with three syringes a couple of weeks ago. Ick.

He tells me stupid shit like this to try and shock or impress me or something. He also told me about his MDMA trip the previous Friday and his coke binge a couple of nights earlier. He definitely does not act like a 43 year old. He acts like a complete idiot.

We did discuss keeping this arrangement going for a while. Which I am pleased about. The sex is seriously amazing. Gentle at times, and rough at others. And LOTs of making out.

After a while we got up and walked around his apartment before getting dressed. He went to the kitchen and I was in his living room checking my phone. All of a sudden I hear this WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! noise and I look up to see him going full force on his elliptical machine. Sandwich in one hand, the other arm flailing to keep balance, and his junk swinging like crazy. I nearly died I was laughing so hard. It was magic.

Shortly after that I stepped into the bathroom to tidy myself up and upon pulling my hair back I noticed THIS beast on my neck:



It is super sore, and tender, and horrifying. No makeup will cover it. It looks grey and splotchy and ridiculous.

I had left marks on his neck too, but none were as bad as this.

At the end of our romp, he walked with me back to my neighborhood and after parting ways I went and got myself a monster of a burrito to regain my energy.

Drunken Encounters: Part 2...The Time I Was Sober

My goal was to have sex with Mr. T within a week of our first encounter but due to a bad cold and severely sore throat, no thanks to Old Guy, I had to postpone until last night.

I went over to his place and brought a couple of beers with me to break any potential tension. He seemed impressed by this and we drank them while watching Iron Chef.

He was sweet, he liked my dress and when Iron Chef was over and I was choosing a movie for us to watch he commented on how he liked that I hadn't stopped smiling since I got there. He said it was contagious and made him happy.

We talked about work and tattoos (he has many) and his mom and he seemed kind of nervous because he kept getting a stutter. He would talk about stuff we should do in the future, like dates and stuff. He also invited me to join his birthday festivities tonight.

We started to watch Austin Powers and I slid in next to him so we could cuddle a bit and after a while he started tickling me and he managed to get my dress up to grope my ass. Then he mumbled something about being quick because his roommate was going to come home from band practice soon. So I suggested we go to his room.

He refused to turn the damn light on because it was so messy, or something, and I knocked some shit off his book shelf because I walked right into it. We made out which turned into vigorous dry humping which turned into me going down on him. Which turned into sex.

He didn't once touch my vag, which I find baffling. He didn't want me to make any noise (which I found VERY hard!) just in case his roommate came home and heard. And when Mr. T came, I didn't even notice. He was soooo quiet and I had to ask him if he did or not and he said "yeah...It's your fault!" (a joke?) and then passed me my dress and bra. Actually he first suggested HE wear my dress, something he had mentioned twice already the first time was when he told me he liked it and the second time was when Britney spears came on TV and he said he wanted to make a music video dressed in her bikini and my dress...

Then we got dressed right away and as we were leaving his room I could swear that he tiptoed out to the living room tentatively just in case his roommate came home and he hadn't heard. So weird.

Then we resumed watching the movie. I sat right next to him but this time there was no cuddling. Soon his roommate DID come home, with some other dudes in tow and they did a drug deal. As soon as the guys walked in Mr. T turned into a bit of a bro. He was louder and showy and the stutter and nervousness were gone.

Soon the guys left, but the roommate stayed and it felt kind of awkward. I left right away because he was tired and had to work at 7am.

The goodbye was kind of awkward. He hugged me and kind of gave me a peck on the neck/shoulder and told me to text him.

I am not going to put much time into puzzling about this one. He was doing really well at the begining but the sex was disappointing. I'll see how it goes. No one is being written off just yet.

In other news, I plan on fucking Old Guy again this week. Fingers crossed!

Prairie Firrrrre

Regina Guy first contacted me about a month and a half  ago. It is pretty common for out-of-town dudes to try to lure women to their hotel room (gross!). When he IM’d me and mentioned that he was just here for work, I rolled my eyes and waited for the inevitable. I was pleasantly surprised when he didn’t invite me over. I was more surprised when we had a totally nice conversation and he wasn’t inappropriate.

I mentioned that I would be in Regina towards the end of June for school. He sent me this email:

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Dear Future You,

Text Regina Guy at (555)-444-2222 when you are in Regina at the end of June so that he will know whether POF time travel texting is possible and also so that you and him can potentially hang out and repopulate the Earth (assuming mankind has dwindled to the brink of extinction within the next 20-25 days).

He may not remember who you are, so you will have to remind him.

Do this or all shall be lost!!!!

- Regina Guy - (on May 30, 2011)

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When I arrived in Regina, I considered contacting him, but decided against it. I wanted to see what kind of men were in the class with me first (spoiler alert: there was a profound lack of men).

He emailed me a few hours later with a “Are you in Regina now?”. So much for “he may not remember who you are”, I thought!

We met a few days later near where I was staying. We planned to meet by the gym doors. I, of course, went to the wrong doors. I sat on a bench and waited impatiently for him to come around to where I was. There were long hallways on either side of me and I tried to not stare down them to avoid eye contact at an awkward distance.

He was attractive, average height, blonde, and dressed well (he came straight from work). We said hi, shook hands, and I nearly had a stroke when his first few words sounded super femme. It must have been a trick of the ear, because it didn’t happen again.

I am still really not sure what his job is, but I do remember that he said it involves a lot of schmoozing. A professional schmoozer!

We walked around the school twice, sliding on the slippery tiles with our shoes and  chatting comfortably with lots of smiles and laughter.

At one point he deposited a $10 cheque into a bank machine and made a big deal about it.

On the first lap, we journeyed past an area with lots of semi-private seating, and I thought I heard him say “this would be a really good spot to make out”, but I decided that surely he must not have said that. Another trick of the ear, I thought. False! From that point forward, he casually slipped the topic of kissing into the conversation. He was schmoozing me!

We walked past a very dark entryway that clearly led into a big dark empty theatre room. A perfect place to make out! He asked if I wanted to check it out, and I said no and veered us away.

“I think you’ll regret that you didn’t make out with me in that room,” he said, after we’d walked for a bit more. “You might be right,” I said, “but remember, I can travel through time, so I can always come back a week from now and make out with you then.” He asked me what would happen if I ran into myself during this time travel and I said that I would likely make out with her instead. He laughed and remarked “Pfft, I’ll just make out with you both!” He was clearly very proud of himself for coming up with that.

While still on the first lap, he nonchalantly proposed marriage to me. Something along the lines of “while you’re in Regina, we could get married”. I said I liked his sincerity and that I’d think about it. He said he’d like to know by Tuesday.

At the end of the first lap we sat near the glass-walled gym and experienced our first awkward silence, which he broke by commenting on the large exercise balls. I noted that there were a lot of blue ones. Some random girl sat near us, and we decided to go for a second lap.

We were standing in a hallway and could see the dark empty theatre in the distance. He suggested we walk towards it. I was non-committal to his kissing suggestions, but as we approached the dark entryway I made a decision: I was going to make out with this dude in the dark theatre

Because, WHY THE HELL NOT!?

We stood in the entry of the door, both knowing what was about to go down. He took a few steps into the theatre and it was immediately illuminated.

Thwarted by the enemy that is automatic lights, we exited out of a side door and found ourselves in a short hallway that lead back to the main part of the school. There were sharp gradients of light in the hallway and he stepped into a slightly dark area. I followed and said it was still too bright. He stepped into the darkest area. I followed and pressed my back to the wall.

He approached me slowly, patiently stepping closer.  He smelled really good, something subtle and manly. His lips pressed gently against mine as his hand slid into my cardigan and stroked my side. I was feeling flustered and hot – he was doing everything right. He stepped closer, pressing his body against mine deliberately, while continuing to slowly kiss and touch me. He dropped his newspapers. My knees shook.

It was awesome.

I remembered that we were in a hallway and that we could be caught at any second. I broke free and went for the door. He picked up his newspapers and followed. We were giggling like children.

Who was this guy!? He had just schmoozed me into a dark hallway, kissed me briefly (it was less than 3 minutes, I swear!), and I was feeling like a hot mess. My glasses were fogged up and I was tingling. Jesus.

He made Race Cars seem like such an amateur. It was a welcomed dose of perspective. 

We walked a bit more. He teased me about running away and mentioned that he had to get back to the parking meter. There was an underpass that we went through that had a dark hallway with vines hanging. PERFECT! We found a cozy corner near a door (that lead to an area he said looked like a biohazard), and kissed a little more. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He tried copping a feel and I swatted his hand with my water bottle.

I thought I heard someone approaching so I fled again. He made fun of me again.

We had an awkward goodbye and shook hands. We parted ways.

I was still in town for a few more days, and he tried convincing me to come over. I refused. There were several really good reasons not to see him, and when those reasons seemed like lame reasons, he was away.  

Since I have arrived back in Winnipeg, we have texted occasionally. I have outright refused to make any effort to visit him (I am poor and don’t have a car!).  A few weeks ago he told me that maybe he could visit and that he has a few days off in July. By some cruel twist of fate, I am busy whenever he’s available.

The notion that this dude wants to visit me is bizarre and frightening. Like, sure, he was an amazing kisser for 5 minutes once when we spent an hour together. Is that really enough to justify a trip? We don’t know each other at all!

I just got a text from him as I was writing this: “I’d like to see you again, just fyi”