Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Spring Resolutions
Fuck New Years Resolutions. So what if it's the beginning of a new year. I am too busy working on my hangover, enjoying leftovers, continuing to drink to excess, and trying to stay warm because it is really fucking freezing out. Until the month of March I am not interested in hauling ass to the gym, eating raw veggies because they have more nutrients, cutting back on my drinking (it's what keeps me warm), or improving my general demeaner. It just isn't fucking happening.
I know that you're thinking:
1) What the fuck is this? I don't give a fuck that you are a lazy drunk.
2) I thought this blog was about boys and sex!
I am going to ignore 1 and continue to believe that the shit I write is still totally life changing for anyone who reads.
And 2, this post is TOTALLY still about boys and sex! I am trying to tell you how I don't have a whole lot of EITHER going on right now.
I have tried a few different solutions:
I continued to do the whole internet dating thing because it's easy to do while sitting at home in your sweatpants with a beer, and I somehow manage to convince people via the internet that I'm charming. I've been lazy this time around though, as in I haven't been harassing that many guys because I just get bored and watch porn instead. I did go on one "date" in January though. The damn thing lasted 9 hours and ended with me walking home with some jizz on my skirt. NOT to say it was a bad date but he was all "We live so close! This is so convenient! Let's listen to records together all the time!" and I was all "I can dig it. Why don't I give you a blow job because I really appreciate the fact that you have the B-52's on vinyl." And then nothing. I was TOTALLY played. AND I didn't even get laid.
Then I tried a super up-front approach. This one required a shit load of vodka and resulted only in a very raw and sore throat for three days. First my friends and I got really drunk. Then we went out dancing at a local pub and for the entire evening I shouted "MUFFY'S HOOOONNNNN-GRAAAAAYYYY!!!" Mortal Kombat style at the top of my lungs. Although I didn't get as many weird looks as one might expect, I also did not get any dick-in-my-vag action either. I guess it's not that obvious that I've named my vagina Muffy. I really should have been more explicit. Next time.
I have also been making regular visits to both the organic market and the grocery store during high traffic hours. People always talk about how they met each other while grocery shopping so I figured I would try this shit out. I have yet to have any results and am considering starting to do things like holding honeydew melons up to my tits for closer examination in order to get more attention. Either way, the man watching is good and at least I know there are some promising specimens out there.
One thing my roommates and I have discovered and put into practice a couple of times is fooseball. At the local pub we will start a game of fooseball and men will generally walk up and join us. We suck so far at luring these men back to our place, which is conveniently located around the corner, but at least these dudes with dish out pocket change and pay for the games.
Back to my intro of resolutions. I'm not going to do anything drastic, like cut out drinking, but it is March now and it is starting to warm up so I am going to cut back on the time spent at home in sweat pants. I am going to maybe throw some stretches into my routine! Hell, I may even get a mother-fucking gym membership!
BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M NOT GOING TO DO: I am not going to sit on my lazy ass and pine over boys. I can't tell you how many evenings I spend having an internal debate with myself about which I would prefer: A dude to have sex with on the regular OR a boyfriend?
Who am I kidding, I will take what I can get! Which is why I should stop thinking about it! I have so many more awesome things to think about/do that won't put me into some self-pitying spiral and lead me to devour obscene amounts of ice cream. I should spend more time thinking about how awesome I am, because I am pretty fucking awesome, and not in an after-school-special-learn-to-love-thyself kind of way! I am awesome in an I-can-kick-your-fucking-ass-all-the-way-back-to-Gimli kind of way! I am awesome in an I-can-make-shit-that-you-can't-even-dream-of kind of way! I am awesome in an I-don't-need-that-dude-for-shit-because-I-know-I-am-awesome-at-giving-fucking-head kind of way!
In resolution, I am going to focus on being more upbeat about my sex life and work on being my own best lay. I am also going to spend the next while imagining I am Tank Girl.
Please watch the following video for inspiration because Alexi of IMBOYCRAZY knows her shit.
ALEXI WASSER'S GUIDE TO A BETTER LIFE! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.
I know that you're thinking:
1) What the fuck is this? I don't give a fuck that you are a lazy drunk.
2) I thought this blog was about boys and sex!
I am going to ignore 1 and continue to believe that the shit I write is still totally life changing for anyone who reads.
And 2, this post is TOTALLY still about boys and sex! I am trying to tell you how I don't have a whole lot of EITHER going on right now.
I have tried a few different solutions:
I continued to do the whole internet dating thing because it's easy to do while sitting at home in your sweatpants with a beer, and I somehow manage to convince people via the internet that I'm charming. I've been lazy this time around though, as in I haven't been harassing that many guys because I just get bored and watch porn instead. I did go on one "date" in January though. The damn thing lasted 9 hours and ended with me walking home with some jizz on my skirt. NOT to say it was a bad date but he was all "We live so close! This is so convenient! Let's listen to records together all the time!" and I was all "I can dig it. Why don't I give you a blow job because I really appreciate the fact that you have the B-52's on vinyl." And then nothing. I was TOTALLY played. AND I didn't even get laid.
Then I tried a super up-front approach. This one required a shit load of vodka and resulted only in a very raw and sore throat for three days. First my friends and I got really drunk. Then we went out dancing at a local pub and for the entire evening I shouted "MUFFY'S HOOOONNNNN-GRAAAAAYYYY!!!" Mortal Kombat style at the top of my lungs. Although I didn't get as many weird looks as one might expect, I also did not get any dick-in-my-vag action either. I guess it's not that obvious that I've named my vagina Muffy. I really should have been more explicit. Next time.
I have also been making regular visits to both the organic market and the grocery store during high traffic hours. People always talk about how they met each other while grocery shopping so I figured I would try this shit out. I have yet to have any results and am considering starting to do things like holding honeydew melons up to my tits for closer examination in order to get more attention. Either way, the man watching is good and at least I know there are some promising specimens out there.
One thing my roommates and I have discovered and put into practice a couple of times is fooseball. At the local pub we will start a game of fooseball and men will generally walk up and join us. We suck so far at luring these men back to our place, which is conveniently located around the corner, but at least these dudes with dish out pocket change and pay for the games.
Back to my intro of resolutions. I'm not going to do anything drastic, like cut out drinking, but it is March now and it is starting to warm up so I am going to cut back on the time spent at home in sweat pants. I am going to maybe throw some stretches into my routine! Hell, I may even get a mother-fucking gym membership!
BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M NOT GOING TO DO: I am not going to sit on my lazy ass and pine over boys. I can't tell you how many evenings I spend having an internal debate with myself about which I would prefer: A dude to have sex with on the regular OR a boyfriend?
Who am I kidding, I will take what I can get! Which is why I should stop thinking about it! I have so many more awesome things to think about/do that won't put me into some self-pitying spiral and lead me to devour obscene amounts of ice cream. I should spend more time thinking about how awesome I am, because I am pretty fucking awesome, and not in an after-school-special-learn-to-love-thyself kind of way! I am awesome in an I-can-kick-your-fucking-ass-all-the-way-back-to-Gimli kind of way! I am awesome in an I-can-make-shit-that-you-can't-even-dream-of kind of way! I am awesome in an I-don't-need-that-dude-for-shit-because-I-know-I-am-awesome-at-giving-fucking-head kind of way!
In resolution, I am going to focus on being more upbeat about my sex life and work on being my own best lay. I am also going to spend the next while imagining I am Tank Girl.
Please watch the following video for inspiration because Alexi of IMBOYCRAZY knows her shit.
ALEXI WASSER'S GUIDE TO A BETTER LIFE! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Sexting!
I spent Valentine's Day evening googling sexting. It wasn't an especially rewarding activity. It left me feeling perhaps a little out of the loop. I had never really put much thought into sexting until they discussed it as a hot topic on the View. Apparently teens can be sentenced to time in prison for sexting. I didn't really do much research on this aspect of the whole thing but I think it's legal in Canada.
Now, hearing how much Elizabeth Hasselcrack disapproved of sexting made me realize something: I would be such a pro at it. The key to sexting is to memorize all these secret codes so the cops/your parents don't catch your ass. I am pretty good at memorizing codes, it was a skill I learned when I worked in a deli and every kind of sandwich meat had a code.
Here are some really important codes I need to get down in order to excel at sexting:
8 - Oral sex
143 - I love you
182 - I hate you
459 - I love you
1174 - Nude club
420 - Marijuana
ADR - Address
ASL - Age/Sex/Location
banana - male : genitalia
CD9 - Code 9 - it means parents are around
DUM - Do You Masturbate?
DUSL - Do You Scream Loud?
FB - (expletive) Buddy
FOL - Fond of Leather
GNOC - Get Naked On Cam
GYPO - Get Your Pants Off
GYR - Grease Your Rat (a Hillary original for male masturbation)
IAYM - I Am Your Master
IF/IB - In the Front -or- In the Back?
ILF/MD - I Love Female/Male Dominance
IMEZRU - I Am Easy, Are You?
IWSN - I Want Sex Now
J/O – Masturbate
KFY -or- K4Y - Kiss For You
kitty - Female : genitalia
KPC - Keeping Parents Clueless
LMIRL - Let's Meet In Real Life
MOOS - Member Of The Opposite Sex
MOSS - Member(s) Of The Same Sex
MorF - Male or Female
MOS - Mom Over Shoulder
NALOPKT - Not A Lot Of People Know That
NIFOC - Nude In Front Of The Computer
NMU - Not Much, You?
P911 - Parent Alert
PAL - Parents Are Listening
PAW - Parents Are Watching
PIR - Parent In Room
POS - Parent Over Shoulder -or- Piece Of (expletive)
PRON - Porn
RU/18 - Are You Over 18?
RUH - Are You Horny?
S2R - Send To Receive
SorG - Straight or Gay
TDTM - Talk Dirty To Me
WYCM - Will You Call Me?
I then decided to test and record the sexy words my phone's T9 is capable of.
My phone can T9 the following:
cock
anal
vagina
penetration
cum
sex
pussy
My phone Cannot manage these:
penis
boobs
tits
jizz
dick
I found it very frustrating that my phone does not include the male genetalia, but it is an obstacle I will eventually learn to overcome. Some creative choices available to me are:
banana
peter
johnson
willy
Please note that the available options are mainly men's names. I guess it was a silly experiment because the codes exsist for a reason. Plus, with my luck I would accidently text my boss or my mom the sexy things.
Okay, but, say I wanted the dude to tell his weiner I say "hi". There is no code for this, so I could say "Hey babe, tell your pal Peter I say yo!" Totally inconspicuous! That really isn't a very sexy sext. I am going to have to practice...
Monday, February 14, 2011
What IS the proper word, anyway?
[Hillary]7:52pm
i can't decide what word to use for penis in my new blog post
dick was my first choice, but it sounds vulgar...
[Sam]7:52pm
dingle?
rooster?
woody??
[Hillary]7:52pm
both terrible suggestions.
[Sam]7:52pm
make that alllll 3
[Hillary]7:52pm
woody isn't the worst...
johnson?
peter?
[Sam]7:53pm
marvin.
member.
superman?
[Hillary]7:53pm
it will be used in the same sentence as "mom and dad"
[Sam] 7:54pm
bahahahaha
that makes no difference
you're still talking about a penis
[Hillary]7:56pm
i went for cock.
i added some humour at the end to soften it
[Sam]7:56pm
i can get behind that
i can't decide what word to use for penis in my new blog post
dick was my first choice, but it sounds vulgar...
[Sam]7:52pm
dingle?
rooster?
woody??
[Hillary]7:52pm
both terrible suggestions.
[Sam]7:52pm
make that alllll 3
[Hillary]7:52pm
woody isn't the worst...
johnson?
peter?
[Sam]7:53pm
marvin.
member.
superman?
[Hillary]7:53pm
it will be used in the same sentence as "mom and dad"
[Sam] 7:54pm
bahahahaha
that makes no difference
you're still talking about a penis
[Hillary]7:56pm
i went for cock.
i added some humour at the end to soften it
[Sam]7:56pm
i can get behind that
Happy VD! The itch is from me...
I'm up to my eyeballs in chocolate. Too bad it's all from mom and dad and no one with a cock to rock me to sleep tonight.
I wish I was up to my eyeballs in balls.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Hot Dead Guys
As you may know, I have a thing for old guys and graveyards. This post potentially has something to do with both of those things, which is why I am so excited about it.
Let's talk about hot dead guys!
Now, don't fret just yet. I'm not talking about going all necrophiliac-y all over the place. I am talking about guys in history who happened to be hot and now happen to be dead. I am appreciating the hottness that existed when they did happen to be alive... Got it? Good. Moving on.
Let's talk about hot dead guys!
Now, don't fret just yet. I'm not talking about going all necrophiliac-y all over the place. I am talking about guys in history who happened to be hot and now happen to be dead. I am appreciating the hottness that existed when they did happen to be alive... Got it? Good. Moving on.
Sadakichi Hartmann
(November 8, 1867 - November 22, 1944)
Poet and a critic.
The dude went by the title King of the Bohemians.
Need I say more? No. Obviously.
Ernst Haeckel
(Hottie on the left)
(February 16, 1834 – August 9, 1919)
Biologist, naturalist, philosopher, physician, professor, and artist.
Not only was this stud a genius, he also had mad skills when it came to shit like painting.
Please admire the following image and note that he and I are practically the same person because I totally just painted some mushrooms to hang in my kitchen.
Talk about soul mates.
Rupert Brooke
(3 August 1887 – 23 April 1915)
English poet.
He was hot and then he died in Greece from an infected mosquito bite.
Lame.
But still hot.
Ivor Novello
(15 January 1893 – 6 March 1951)
Welsh composer, singer, and actor.
Can we just pause to imagine crying out the name "IVOR!!!" in bed.
It's all magic my friends.
I hope you enjoyed my short foray into the past. For more reading on hot dead guys please refer to Bangable Dudes in History. They are a much better read and will probably make you swoon with their pie charts...
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