Male Friend's Night Out

Context: This is a SMS conversation between myself and the male friend mentioned in my previous post. He's happy to be single again because he gets to tell stories like this one.

 

Male Friend: funny story last night

Zima: oh, good.

Male Friend: went to celebrities (gay bar on davie). Predictably it was about 50% straight chicks. Chick comes up to me and says "why does everyone keep saying happy birthday. This is a wedding veil. NOT a birthday veil!"

Male Friend: girl proceeds to complain that guys are hitting on her, and that they should respect her upcoming wedding by not hitting on her.

Zima: ...and you fucked her?

Male Friend: Soon we are on the dance floor making out and she's rubbing my bone

Male Friend: it's about 1:30 and she's "do you want to go back to your place?"

Male Friend: I'm like sure, let's go grab a cigarette outside first

Male Friend: we go outside. I say "close your eyes. I want to kiss you."

Male Friend: closes her eyes. I pimp-slap her and call her a whore. Then I get into a cab and drive away

Male Friend's POV on Dumping a Terrible Girl

"Breakups feel bad. It's like... having your asshole pit bull put down. I mean, sure, it bit your kid but you still feel kind of shitty after. And the sex. I'll miss the sex."

What Separates Men From Boys

The following is an excerpt from a text conversation I had earlier with a guy I was seeing for a few weeks. The back story: he's great on paper -- smart, funny, has a great job, owns a car. In practice however, he's rather timid, somewhat shy, and incredibly awkward, which I found endearing... until I didn't. He has a big dick, he lasts a long time, and he knows how to use it and his fingers, but not once in the handful of times we had sex did he so much as attempt to take his mouth anywhere below my chest. He also nearly cried when there was a little blood on the condom once. Definitely wasn't going to work.

Last night he started asking me for dating/girl advice, as when I broke it off with him I told him "I think that you're perfect for someone, it's just not me," and as all nice guys do, he wanted to stay friends. He's tried a bit of online dating that's led to nothing, and he doesn't really know how to approach women IRL, but he says that with his new great job, he's finding himself wanting to settle down more and more, (keep in mind, still lives with his parents. Settle in the basement? I don't know.) He's also decided that he wants to date older women. Right.

I gave him some tips, and then went to meet my friend for a few drinks. He texted me more while out, and eventually I felt that this was the appropriate response:

Me: Alright, I'm going to give you the best advice you'll ever get: IF you are going to try dating older women you're going to need to get over your fear of blood, and you're going to need to start going down on them - and I mean that honestly for your own advancement, and in no way as an insult.
Me: Not necessarily at the same time.
Him: I had 2 gut-wrenching experiences in that department, so I'm not sure
Me: In which department?
Him: Going down...
Me: So? You think your spunk tastes like jolly ranchers or something?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well, it doesn't.
Him: Okay
Me: It separates the men from the boys. And women want men. Otherwise you may as well stick to dating teenagers.

Second/Fourth Date

After my lovely night spent with my Italian Stallion I was kind of like a giddy school girl. How on earth could that have gone so well, especially after he was so late, it turned out, that when he turned up he turned up the heat.

That night we had made plans to see each other again on Friday, a good six days after out first meeting. However, monday night rolls around, he texts me saying he is downtown and if I would like to go for coffee. I am in my school's computer lab, which is hot and smells like a gym sock. I'd been at school all day after a late night and I looked like a soccer mom. No, I did not want to go for coffee. But really, I really really wanted to go for coffee. I also didn't want to be a jerk and turn him down. But I looked like crap. I hummed and hawed over this for a while. So after initially telling him that I needed to do work, I decided that we should in fact meet up. I go to the bathroom, make the most decent attempt at making myself look presentable and then waltz on over to the Starbucks where he was waiting for me.

He approached me, I was going to give him a hug, but something happened and I kissed him? I think "oh my god, I don't even know this guy, I show up and kiss him in public, it's like we are dating already, whatthefuckamidoing?" Awkward.

We have coffee. You know what coffee is like. You talk, you drink, you talk. The end.

I wasn't sure what to think. I mean, the conversation flowed, but what was it that was really going on between us? Was there something, or was I just really horny? He walked me home after we get kicked out of the coffee shop and he kisses me goodnight in front of my apartment building.

Two days go by and I don't hear from him.

Thursday rolls around and Stallion is at my school for a career fair. Thankfully I knew this was coming before hand and I dressed my age so that if we got to meet up I wouldn't look like I had popped out a few children. We go for drinks. And we talk.  Three hours pass. We finish up, he walks me home and he kisses me goodnight in front of my apartment. There is beginning to be a theme here I think.

Friday finally comes. I am so giddy. I know I am getting laid, because really, what guy would invest that much time in a girl unless they knew they were going to get something out of it (other than great conversation of course). Its raining, and its ruining my hair. It's cold, which is making my freshly shaved legs all prickly. Why is mother nature ruining this for me!? Nevertheless, he picks me up from work in his beamer, I don't kiss him when I get into the car. Car kisses are the most awkward things and I hate leaning over and I don't know what to do.

We go to a nice pub that has dark corners and lots of fire places. I am starving so I order muscles which I down in a millisecond. Super classy. We eat, we drink, we do shots, and obviously we talk. I accidentally tell him my entire dating history (even though I have a strict rule not to talk about exs). After a while I think he gets tired of talking and suggests we go to my place. We had already made plans to play truth or dare, so we start with that. At this age truth is way more interesting, so we do a lot of that, but really thats just a lot more talking. He asks me to dare him, and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything good! I am so lame. I could have gotten him to take off his shirt or something, but then if we kept on talking he is just sitting on my couch without a shirt on... Then I let him dare me; "I dare you to kiss me" he says.

I melted.

Yes, I am a 14 year old girl. Yes, I live in a really cheesy movie. Yes, you can be jealous of how amazing that is.

Obviously it's all fun from there. He asks me if I want to go to bed with him, I say yes, and he takes my hand and he leads me there.

Obviously it's super romantic with his pillowy lips and everything.

After the first time we do it he goes to the bathroom, I put on his white and blue striped dress shirt and wait for him to come back. Of course this aways gets them going. We laze around for a bit before he takes it off again. After the second time he claims that I can be his little side project while I am at school. I give him a questioning look, "yeah, what are you doing for the next two years?"

Melt x2.

The we dork it out and he shows me his AutoCAD app for his iPhone.

He stays into the early morning, but it's late and my father was coming on a 6am flight. This was going to be the last time I saw him for a good week and a bit until after thanksgiving. Bah, now all I can think of is how disgustingly cute he is and what I did to please the Internet Gods.

Guy #2, Round two

Earlier in the week I had an interesting evening in which I fucked two guys in one night. The first guy was shit so I felt the need to make up for it by welcoming a second one into my bed after kicking out the first.

Guy #2 gave me a rough first impression but quickly changed my opinion of him by impressing me with his wit and interesting stories.

Before he left my place the next morning, a Tuesday, we agreed to try to get together on Friday as we both had the day off.

There was a litte bit of texting over the next couple of days and then on Thursday night he called me at 1:30am and we had a 1.5 hour phone conversation that felt like it lasted 5 minutes.

I really liked talking to him! He was funny and sweet and entertaining. At one point I was getting very sleepy so he offered to tell me a story. He started with "Once upon a time..." and I cut him off abruptly and told him to come up with something less crappy.

There was a pause and he started to confess to me...

#2: "I'm freaked out..."
Me: "Why? What's up?"
#2: "...I think I really like you but I know you don't want anything serious. I am afraid I am going to get hurt."

I didn't say anything for a minute because I had now idea WHAT to say. I just met this guy! He then started probing and asking questions about it, and I don't know what was happening, I am going to blame it on how tired I was, but I almost started to cry.

This was frustrating. I see crying as a huge sign of weakness and I have a super hard time when even those close to me see/hear me cry, nevermind some strange dude I just met!

He could tell I was uncomfortable and so he changed the subject and eventually let me go to sleep.

The next day we agree to meet in the early afternoon. We grab some sandwiches and quickly scarf them on my balcony before getting down to the important stuff.

He's good at fucking. And kissing. And at one point he compared his nuts to the engine of the Titanic.

We did that for a while and then he had to leave to babysit his nephew.

After he left I was unsure of how I felt about it. I thought about him on and off into the evening until I realized that that was it.

I am probably never going to see him again, and I'm content with that. Although, his stamina will be missed.

This all happened when I was sober.

Let me preface this story by saying that before this summer my sex life was slow. No...slow isn't the right word....It did not exsist. I had started working really hard at online dating and decided to try to whore it up a little and see what happened.

One night Houston and I were chatting and she kind of dared me to have sex with four different guys this summer, and I agreed. NOW I realize that four does not seem like a big number. I could have had sex with four guys in a week EASILY because getting laid is easy, but I didn't want to just have sex with anyone. I wanted to feel it out and meet up for a drink and find guys who were worthy, which is funny because I realized how rare that is.

Until this weekend I was up to three guys, all of which I had seen more than once. I had had sex almost once a week and was fairly content with my progress, but I also felt a sense of urgency because Houston was leaving town to go to school in a week and that was my deadline. So I kicked the online thing into high gear.





Last night I did something that I would never have imagined would happen in my bed EVER. I am in shock at myself for my behavior, but also impressed, and maybe a little disgusted. Oh my god. I can't decide whether to brag or feel shameful....I have noooo idea....

Last week I had started texting this boy named Jesse. He texted me quite a bit from the begining which was sort of clingy but I didn't mind because it gave me something to do while at work and he seemed nice. We had agreed to go for drinks on Monday night.

Monday night rolls around and he texts me all day that he is nervous and excited. I didn't really feel anything going into this date...I had already kind of realized that I wasn't interested but I wasn't going to write him off without giving him a real chance.

We met at 9:30 at a local lounge and he was kind of awkward but I had no problem keeping the conversation going. I knew I wasn't interested, but I had my goal of four men on my mind and I guess I let that dictate my actions for the next part.

We decided to go for a walk after having a couple of drinks and I suggested we go to a park because I felt like going on the swings. On the way to the park he insisted I hold his hand and he stopped a couple of times to kiss.

When we get to the park I go for the swings right away. He was such a poop and was all awkward and embarrassed about swinging. So I just ignored him for a while and swung as high as I could. Then he suggested we go sit on a nearbye patch of grass.

We sit down and he starts at it right away. I just let him do his thing, which was licking under my chin. He also did this thing where he opened his mouth as wide as he could and stuck his tongue out as far as it will go, and then he crammed it down my throat. I would never like to experience that again.

At one point while he was kissing my neck he moved towards my ear, and the next thing I knew he had his tongue in my ear and was tongue fucking it. It felt very wet and all I could think about was how I looked forward to using my q-tips when I got home.

Then I made the mistake of agreeing to bring him home.

I know I should have let it end in the park, and I really have no explaination for why I let him come back to my place.

He insisted on having the lights off and he refused to take off his socks. He went at my boobs like a baby, as though he was expecting them to start lactating. He licked me down like a cat, but never once went between my legs (he licked my face from neck to forehead with a very wet tongue). He must have never heard of the clit. He had no idea.

When he had sex with me he could have been using his pinkie finger...it was small. It was thin and it was short. I used my hand on myself and eventually pretended to get off because I just wanted it to be over.

After he pulled out I felt sorry for how shitty he was and I went down on him. THIS IS THE MOST HORRIFYING PART: I was sucking his little dick, which I could fit in my mouth no problem, and I barfed. I barfed on his cock and he has no idea. It wasn't much and it happened right as he started to ejaculate so I just used kleenex to wipe everything up.... And then I tried not to laugh hysterically.

As soon as the mess was cleaned up I said something like "I don't mean to kick you out, but I should get to bed." I got dressed and escorted him out.

Now, what I haven't yet mentioned was that all while this date was happening, I was already planning what I could do to make this night better.

As of Monday morning I had been texting another guy who didn't seem like my type but was nice and funny. I knew Guy #2 was off work and would be coming through my area of town around midnight and so when I went to the washroom right before Guy #1 and I were leaving the bar I texted him and suggested a walk...

In the parking lot just as I was about to get inside Guy #1's car, Guy #2 called. I answered and made plans to see him when he got to my area. Guy #1 could have heard...I don't know. After I hung up I told Guy #1 that it was my roommate.

After Guy #1 left I immediately ran upstairs and finished barfing. I am all class. I know this. Then I brushed my teeth and my hair and touched up my makeup and left to meet Guy #2, who was waiting for me.

As I was orchestrating all of these events, I couldn't help but laugh at my behavior. What I did last night was something that would have made my jaw drop had any of my girlfriends done it. I kept stopping and laughing at myself.

Guy #2 was shorter than I expected, probably my height of 5'8 or 5'9. He dressed kind of gangsta, but all his clothes were new and clean. The conversation was easy. We didn't even have to think about it.

He told me about how he works at group homes for troubled teens and that he got into it because he was and addict and came from a broken home with a junkie mother. He also told me about how his fiance and 1 year old daughter died in a car accident 6 years ago. About how he was homeless because he hit bottom after that. And a million other sad things. He was the most positive and well-adjusted person I have ever met. He could take any situation and talk about how he took something positive from it.

We strolled around for an hour, stopping to sit on random benches. Eventually, on a bench in a churchyard, we started making out. He was good. I spent a little time batting his hands away because I still had this idea in my mind that I hadn't decided to meet up with him for sex. I know that it was something I kind of wanted, but I was in denial and insisted that I did not behave like this.

Eventually I relented, and I was glad I did. We got a little carried away and he ended up missing his last bus home. I invited him over, not because it would have been a drag for him to get home at this point, but because I did find myself drawn to him.

Over the course of the night we had sex four times, and it was awesome. It was so relaxed and we laughed so much. He showed me all the tricks he could do with his body, such as when he had a hard on he could make it dance and bob up and down. It was so hilarious and I laughed so hard at it, which made it go soft again. Then he made it talk to me. He could also bend his fingers back until they almost touched the back of his hand and he could pop his eyes out of their sockets...which I would NOT let him show me. He had lots of scars on his body because he was run over by a car as a child.

He also tans, which I made fun of him for even though I tan too. We compared tans and laughed at ourselves for being so vain.

I feel a little guilty for being dishonest with him about Guy#1 when it seems like he was willing to to tell me anything...but I do not regret my choices. I see no point in regret, especially when I made the sober decision to do this.

I didn't sleep until he left at 6:30 this morning. We were both so tired but neither of us could sleep because we both had too much to say.

Sappy times!

I found this site today called The Man's Guide To Love. It's super cute and charming.

The Man's Guide To Love #210 from themansguidetolove on Vimeo.

The Man's Guide To Love #380 from themansguidetolove on Vimeo.

The Man's Guide To Love #496 from themansguidetolove on Vimeo.

Cave Man Part II: Flinging

I had a moment of weakness wherein I was going to skip Part II entirely, because it makes me look like a klingy little slut. However, in the spirit of all that is truthful in the world between men and women, I decided to share this unflattering account of what happened the second time 'round.

The night started out quite normally, at the house with the girls drinking wine or vodka or whatever we had on hand. Some boys come over, but no Cave Man. Somewhat disappointed, but not deterred I text him "I hope to see you tonight." He asks where I am, I tell him and invite him to come along. No Response. We drink more. I drink more. We start on our walk to whatever bar we can find. We walk past his apartment building, and there he is standing with his friend in almost matching plaid shirts. This is amusing to me as they are engineers and engineers always wear plaid.

I decide that I am not going to be to into him. I'm going to walk with someone else and try to look pretty. It takes two seconds for his long legs to catch up with me however, and it is no time at all before we're walking and talking and probably flirting but I can't really remember... soo...

Then I found $20 on the ground. That was great.

We get to some cheesy martini lounge and I make a b-line to sit beside him. And this is where I start to deteriorate, I put my leg over his. So subtle I know. The worst part was that he pushed it off! I waited a little while and then did it again. I can't remember if i payed for my drinks after that, he might have, maybe I just walked out, who knows.

We walk a block over to club and wait in line for a bit. The boys, who are standing in front of us in line, are about to get in when the bouncer realizes that we are all together and insists that the girls go in first. So a friend's girlfriend and I spend some time dancing by ourselves in the club, only slightly awkwardly. Thank goodness I was smashed and just used the money I found to buy us some stiff drinks.

The boys come in and we make our way out to the patio. We spend some time talking to each other and then somehow Cave Man has migrated to a table full of girls. Surprisingly I am not jealous, however I am starting to get very concerned that I might have to go home without what I came for, which is a good lay.

I set a plan into action to get him out of there; I am not going to go over there, however, I am going to try to be subtle and classy about this. I text him "I like your hair cut." Thats right. He is so going to want in my pants after that. It is sexy genius. This is why I have all the mens at my doorstep, because I just ooze creamy sexuality. When that doesn't work (obviously) I text him again "Get her number and then lets get out of here." This didn't prompt a response either, but somehow it made it back to the group. Or maybe it did work because the next thing I know we are on the street and two cabbies are fighting over who is going to give us a ride.

We make it back to his place and my clothes are off in no time flat. He makes his way to the shower. The last time I was there he had asked me to have a shower with him. I said no using the excuse that I have too much hair, which isn't really a lie, but its not the reason why I wouldn't have a shower with him. In fact, I don't want to have a shower with anyone. Bathroom lighting sucks. Also, showers is when I shave my armpits and thats just not sexy. Sexy and showers do not mix to me. But I am drunk so I'll do anything. I hop into the shower and I am not going to complain. Although it was a little tight maybe, and that lighting still sucks.

Once we're done with the shower I am freezing, so he gives me one of his big man hoodies. This is cute, but then we have sex again, and I am still wearing a hoodie.

I wake up the next morning to him kissing my face and caressing my body. This is sort of sexy and sort of like waking up to a dog licking my face. I am not really a dog person. I start to enjoy it though when I remember how much I like morning sex.

After a while he drives me home, after last times awkward goodbye in the car I try to mend this by giving him a super passionate kiss and then abruptly getting out of the car.

Later that day I text him something along the lines of "that was fun, lets do it again sometime." and then "you know, like tonight..." Obviously no response. I should have learned my lesson by now. And then I get "Who is this?" That little fucker. So I reply with "Seriously?" The delete his number. Later I find out that he also deleted my number and thought I was a cockblocker. Well, thats the end of that!

Stay tuned for Part III guys...

Old Fogey!

In my last post I mentioned I was going on a date with a man 20 years my senior.

It happened last week and I was nervous as fuck because we had been texting loads. And sexting even more. He seemed really cool and I had already told him I had gotten myself off to the idea of him, which was true. So going into this we already knew a bit more about each other sexually.

The meeting went well. It was awkward at times, but not unbearable.

At the end he walked me home and outside of my gate it seemes like he was a little nervous trying to figure out how to say goodbye, which seemed funny because he came across a pretty cocky. He rambled on about scooters for a while until he ran out of things to say. Then he reached out and I thought he was going to shake my hand goodnight! Then he pulled me in for an awesome kiss, neck biting included.

I went to bed that night all flushed and lusting after this 43 year old man with slicked back grey and black rockabilly hair, cuffed jeans, and tattoos.

Then we texted constantly for the next week. Primarily sex themed conversations.

It was decided that last night was a good night to get together again. We had pretty much decided that sex was going to happen, and I was all for it because Graveyard Guy was such a loser in the sack and I was in need of a good lay.

Yesterday morning as I am getting ready for work at 8something am Old Guy texts me something that made me throw my hairbrush at the floor and curse him. This is out text conversation:

Old Guy: "Hey...I was going to have this conversation with you when I saw you tonight but maybe I should have it now... I just wanted to tell you a bit about my situation and my emotional availabitlity."

Me: (Thinking: "Ok. He is recently divorced and not ready for a relationship. This is fine. Sex if fine. Do I want a 40 something boyfriend? That would probably never have worked. Fuck, he is so hot.")

OG: "I am maintaining a polyamorous status. I am involved with someone but free to persue outside attraction but everyone needs to know what's going one. I though we should get it out in the open before I met you a second time. I think you're pretty and I would like to see you again but if you think this is too much for you I understand."

Me: This is the point where I kind of lose my shit. Looking back it was an overreaction (Thinking: "What the fuck....!!!!") I still don't say anything to him.

Then we go on and I am apprehensive because the definition of polyamorous is basically that you have two different relationships, and although there may be a primary person and a secondary person, they are generally pretty serious. Or that's what the internet told me.

So I am at work, freaking out. I didn't give him an answer as to whether or not I was going to meet him for coffee anymore because I didn't know if I wanted something this complex in my life. He made it sound intimidating.

It made me question myself: Who am I that last week I was getting strangled and this week I am considering entering a polyamorous relationship?!

I am vanilla!!! I barely even have sprinkles! When did I start taking an intrest in this stuff?!

Ok. So I decide to meet him for coffee and let him know that I probably won't be comfortable having sex with him at this point. I wanted to figure out what this poly stuff meant for me.

We met at a little cafe close-ish to his place and at first the conversation is kind of awkward. We talked about very un-sex related things. Then at an awkward pause I asked him what he expected from me. He didn't really expect anything, just whatever I was willing to offer.

He went on to explain why he was not in a monogamous relationship and it basically was him going on to tell me that he has slept with a lot of women and hopes to continue doing so. That his marriage fell apart because he drank too much and cheated. That the oldest woman he has been with was 32.

I also find out that in the 80s he dated my former co-worker who is now a 40-something spinster who lives with her sister and her cats. I realize I had heard about him many times because she was still hung up on him but hated his guts for being a womanizer. This is hilarious to me, but also kind of creepy. And maybe a little gross?

I quickly realize that this guy is an asshole. Big time. And anyone like this is not someone that I am interested in getting close too. I was so worried I was going to get attached but I see that it really won't be a problem.

I tell him about Graveyard Guy and how I could use a good roll in the hay.

When we get to his place he realizes there is no where safe to lock up my giant, super heavy, retro-style bike. He decides to carry it up six flights of stairs. I am impressed because the bike is super fucking heavy. I am even more impressed when he shows he can pinch my ass while carrying the bike.

We start making out. He is an awesome kisser and I appreciate the laying in bed and making out thing. Old Guy took things slow. Hand in underwear, not too invasive or urgent. Gentle.

Usually while making out and other things, I find my mind wanders to stupid things. That didn't happen with him. Everything was so good that I was into it the entire time!

Then we had sex three times. It was scream-loudly-so-the-neighbors-can-hear sex. Him on top, working magic and me practically tearing his sheets to shreds.

During the whole thing he had the nostalgia radio station playing and he even had Buddy Holly a sing-along. It was hilarious and terrible.

Also during each rest he was constantly admiring me and caressing me all over and telling me how awesome I look. It was really nice and a super great ego boost. Who doesn't want to hear that shit?!

Afterwards he of course had to carry my bike back down the six flights of stairs. I was looking forward to the bike ride home, but he was heading to the pub in my area and wanted me to walk with him. The conversation on the way home was meh. Since having realized I didn't like him much as a person, I wasn't interested in listening to him talk. Plus he was telling me ridiculous stories about the drugs he used to do and about how he smoked crack with a prostitue once. Why would I want to hear this?

All in all I feel like this is an awesome arrangement. I get amazing sex on the somewhat regular and I still get to date other guys. In fact, I am working on setting up two dates as I am typing this.

Song of the Summer!

Oh I wish I had a sun tan. I wish I had a pizza and a bottle of wine.

Graveyard Sweatpants

I was complaining about not getting any, and now that it is staring me in the face I don't want it.

The guy from the graveyard recently contacted me again via another dating website. We were chatting and neither of us realized who the other was, until I pieced the whole thing together and nearly ran away from my computer yelling over my bad luck.

So I gave him my phone number. Obviously.

I figured, yes he is 13 years my senior (which does kind of feel like a lot), and yes he most likely works with my dad, and yes his voice is intolerable....I really need to get laid. REALLY. I NEED TO GET FUCKED. And I felt like he was sort of familiar.

He is like the sweat pants of sex. Ugly but comfortable.

The problem is: Ever since I gave him my number he has been texting me crap like "Hugs!" and "Smooches!". I guess he is trying to get my attention. What is really happening is that I am being revolted.

The thing is: I still really do need to get fucked.

So I was really close to going to his place tonight even though he texted me about 20 times, but my neighbor (sketchy drug guy) was over for beers. And I told Graveyard Guy. It only seemed to fuel him more.

It is now 2:30am and I am still getting texts, an email, and a message from the dating website saying that Graveyard Guy added me to his list of "favourite people".

In reality I am going to have sex with him. It is inevitable. It will probably happen tomorrow. It may even happen tonight...

Dear Mother

Working in retail is shit, pretty much as a rule.

Your feet hurt and probably stink from your cute shoes. People are bitchy and treat you like crap. You have to sell people garbage that no one really wants or needs. Your face gets sore from fake smiling for hours. The pay is shit. And there is no medical coverage.

Only one time of year is retail a little less miserable than usual, and that is around mother's day.

Hot men go shopping around mother's day.

Sure hot men shop for Christmas, but you never know who it is for and December is such a miserable month that no one is in a state to man hunt.

But May.

May is a month of opportunity! May is a month where life is blossoming and layers are being shed! May is a month of beer drinking outside and optimism! May is glorious!

Since mother's day happens to be in May, everyone who is shopping is in a fabulous mood and don't seem to mind if you test the boundaries of their personal space in order to closer investigate their relationship status.

This weekend my place of employment, which caters to middle aged women, will be filled to the brim with kind young men all looking for a little something for Mother Dearest. I, of course, am ready and rearing to offer amazing suggestions for gift ideas.

And then when the boys give the gifts to their mothers and the moms like the gifts the men will come back to me and thank me profusely for aiding their sick mothers back to health by helping them choose the perfect gifts that brightened her life and then the men will sweep me up in their arms and carry me away to a life free of retail hell and we will run into the sunset, hand in hand.

Motherfuckers.

Why is it that there is an influx of men in my life and yet I am still not getting laid.

What the fuck, may I ask, is going on?!

I am so frustrated.

My computer is going to explode from all porn pop-ups.

I am so close to just giving up, heading to American Apparel and buying a Hitachi Magic Wand from some cracked out, over-sexed, hipster child.


Motherfuckers.

I want to fuck a bicycle courier.

I have decided I want to have sex with a bicycle courier.


I have always had a thing for men on bikes. I can't even come up with reasons why. Why wouldn't I think a man on a bike is hot? I mean, c'mon.

But bicycle couriers are different then other cyclists. If you have ever met one then you know how they are almost inhuman. The stamina is insane! Plus they yell out a lot at cars and people. They use bells or horns with aggression. They sport great tattoos and piercings. They sometimes have ironic facial hair or those silly hats with the short beak. They smell kind of musky because they have been exerting themselves all day. They have lots of keys that make an attractive jingle noise. They wear shirts they have cut the sleeves off of and shorts that they have also taken scissors to. And they are kind of wonky in the head from taking so many tumbles.

I know you can see the appeal.

I was really struck by this need to fulfill my bicycle courier sex fantasy while helping a gentleman I recognized as a courier while at work the other day. He was a giant and had ridiculous wavy blonde hair that was styled in a way that made him look like he had been electrocuted. He had a MASSIVE mouth that moved in a very animated fashion and big teeth, one of which was chipped. His clothes were ratty, his backpack was full of patches, and he made a lot of noise.

I could not stop guffawing at him and dropping shit all over the place because he kind of put me on edge.

He was shopping for a fountain pen and he chose some really ugly one with ying yangs and flames all over it. I told him he had horrible taste but managed to convince him to buy rose-scented ink for when he writes love letters.

This particular young man wasn't my ideal fantasy candidate because I think what I am really looking for is someone with more pirate-esque qualities. Maybe someone who looks like Eugene Hutz.


I may just be confusing fantasies at this point... Let's recap. I want to have sex with a crazy tattooed and pierced man who whips around on a bike while displaying pirate-like behaviors and looking like Eugene Hutz. I would also like for said man to drink lots of beer.

Spring Resolutions

Fuck New Years Resolutions.  So what if it's the beginning of a new year.  I am too busy working on my hangover, enjoying leftovers, continuing to drink to excess, and trying to stay warm because it is really fucking freezing out.  Until the month of March I am not interested in hauling ass to the gym, eating raw veggies because they have more nutrients, cutting back on my drinking (it's what keeps me warm), or improving my general demeaner.  It just isn't fucking happening.

I know that you're thinking:
1) What the fuck is this?  I don't give a fuck that you are a lazy drunk.
2) I thought this blog was about boys and sex!

I am going to ignore 1 and continue to believe that the shit I write is still totally life changing for anyone who reads.

And 2, this post is TOTALLY still about boys and sex!  I am trying to tell you how I don't have a whole lot of EITHER going on right now.

I have tried a few different solutions:

I continued to do the whole internet dating thing because it's easy to do while sitting at home in your sweatpants with a beer, and I somehow manage to convince people via the internet that I'm charming.  I've been lazy this time around though, as in I haven't been harassing that many guys because I just get bored and watch porn instead.  I did go on one "date" in January though.  The damn thing lasted 9 hours and ended with me walking home with some jizz on my skirt.  NOT to say it was a bad date but he was all  "We live so close! This is so convenient! Let's listen to records together all the time!"  and I was all  "I can dig it. Why don't I give you a blow job because I really appreciate the fact that you have the B-52's on vinyl."  And then nothing.  I was TOTALLY played.  AND I didn't even get laid.

Then I tried a super up-front approach.  This one required a shit load of vodka and resulted only in a very raw and sore throat for three days.  First my friends and I got really drunk.  Then we went out dancing at a local pub and for the entire evening I shouted "MUFFY'S HOOOONNNNN-GRAAAAAYYYY!!!" Mortal Kombat style at the top of my lungs.  Although I didn't get as many weird looks as one might expect, I also did not get any dick-in-my-vag action either.  I guess it's not that obvious that I've named my vagina Muffy.  I really should have been more explicit.  Next time.

I have also been making regular visits to both the organic market and the grocery store during high traffic hours.  People always talk about how they met each other while grocery shopping so I figured I would try this shit out.  I have yet to have any results and am considering starting to do things like holding honeydew melons up to my tits for closer examination in order to get more attention.  Either way, the man watching is good and at least I know there are some promising specimens out there.

One thing my roommates and I have discovered and put into practice a couple of times is fooseball.  At the local pub we will start a game of fooseball and men will generally walk up and join us.  We suck so far at luring these men back to our place, which is conveniently located around the corner, but at least these dudes with dish out pocket change and pay for the games.

Back to my intro of resolutions.  I'm not going to do anything drastic, like cut out drinking, but it is March now and it is starting to warm up so I am going to cut back on the time spent at home in sweat pants.  I am going to maybe throw some stretches into my routine!  Hell, I may even get a mother-fucking gym membership!

BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M NOT GOING TO DO:  I am not going to sit on my lazy ass and pine over boys.  I can't tell you how many evenings I spend having an internal debate with myself about which I would prefer: A dude to have sex with on the regular OR a boyfriend?

Who am I kidding, I will take what I can get!  Which is why I should stop thinking about it!  I have so many more awesome things to think about/do that won't put me into some self-pitying spiral and lead me to devour obscene amounts of ice cream.  I should spend more time thinking about how awesome I am, because I am pretty fucking awesome, and not in an after-school-special-learn-to-love-thyself kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-can-kick-your-fucking-ass-all-the-way-back-to-Gimli kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-can-make-shit-that-you-can't-even-dream-of kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-don't-need-that-dude-for-shit-because-I-know-I-am-awesome-at-giving-fucking-head kind of way!

In resolution, I am going to focus on being more upbeat about my sex life and work on being my own best lay.  I am also going to spend the next while imagining I am Tank Girl.

Please watch the following video for inspiration because Alexi of IMBOYCRAZY knows her shit.


ALEXI WASSER'S GUIDE TO A BETTER LIFE! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

Sexting!

I spent Valentine's Day evening googling sexting.  It wasn't an especially rewarding activity.  It left me feeling perhaps a little out of the loop.  I had never really put much thought into sexting until they discussed it as a hot topic on the View.  Apparently teens can be sentenced to time in prison for sexting.  I didn't really do much research on this aspect of the whole thing but I think it's legal in Canada.
Now, hearing how much Elizabeth Hasselcrack disapproved of sexting made me realize something:  I would be such a pro at it.  The key to sexting is to memorize all these secret codes so the cops/your parents don't catch your ass.  I am pretty good at memorizing codes, it was a skill I learned when I worked in a deli and every kind of sandwich meat had a code.

Here are some really important codes I need to get down in order to excel at sexting:
8 - Oral sex
143 - I love you
182 - I hate you
459 - I love you
1174 - Nude club
420 - Marijuana
ADR - Address
ASL - Age/Sex/Location
banana - male : genitalia
CD9 - Code 9 - it means parents are around
DUM - Do You Masturbate?
DUSL - Do You Scream Loud?
FB - (expletive) Buddy
FOL - Fond of Leather
GNOC - Get Naked On Cam
GYPO - Get Your Pants Off
GYR - Grease Your Rat (a Hillary original for male masturbation)
IAYM - I Am Your Master
IF/IB - In the Front -or- In the Back?
ILF/MD - I Love Female/Male Dominance
IMEZRU - I Am Easy, Are You?
IWSN - I Want Sex Now
J/O – Masturbate
KFY -or- K4Y - Kiss For You
kitty - Female : genitalia
KPC - Keeping Parents Clueless
LMIRL - Let's Meet In Real Life
MOOS - Member Of The Opposite Sex
MOSS - Member(s) Of The Same Sex
MorF - Male or Female
MOS - Mom Over Shoulder
NALOPKT - Not A Lot Of People Know That
NIFOC - Nude In Front Of The Computer
NMU - Not Much, You?
P911 - Parent Alert
PAL - Parents Are Listening
PAW - Parents Are Watching
PIR - Parent In Room
POS - Parent Over Shoulder -or- Piece Of (expletive)
PRON - Porn
RU/18 - Are You Over 18?
RUH - Are You Horny?
S2R - Send To Receive
SorG - Straight or Gay
TDTM - Talk Dirty To Me
WYCM - Will You Call Me?


I then decided to test and record the sexy words my phone's T9 is capable of.
My phone can T9 the following:
cock
anal
vagina
penetration
cum
sex
pussy

My phone Cannot manage these:
penis
boobs
tits
jizz
dick

I found it very frustrating that my phone does not include the male genetalia, but it is an obstacle I will eventually learn to overcome.  Some creative choices available to me are:
banana
peter
johnson
willy

Please note that the available options are mainly men's names.  I guess it was a silly experiment because the codes exsist for a reason.  Plus, with my luck I would accidently text my boss or my mom the sexy things.

Okay, but, say I wanted the dude to tell his weiner I say "hi".  There is no code for this, so I could say "Hey babe, tell your pal Peter I say yo!"  Totally inconspicuous!  That really isn't a very sexy sext.  I am going to have to practice...

Happy VD! The itch is from me...

 I'm up to my eyeballs in chocolate.  Too bad it's all from mom and dad and no one with a cock to rock me to sleep tonight.

I wish I was up to my eyeballs in balls.

Hot Dead Guys

As you may know, I have a thing for old guys and graveyards.  This post potentially has something to do with both of those things, which is why I am so excited about it.

Let's talk about hot dead guys!

Now, don't fret just yet.  I'm not talking about going all necrophiliac-y all over the place.  I am talking about guys in history who happened to be hot and now happen to be dead.  I am appreciating the hottness that existed when they did happen to be alive... Got it?  Good.  Moving on.

Sadakichi Hartmann

(November 8, 1867 - November 22, 1944)

Poet and a critic.

The dude went by the title King of the Bohemians.

Need I say more?  No.  Obviously.

Ernst Haeckel

(Hottie on the left)

(February 16, 1834 – August 9, 1919)

Biologist, naturalist, philosopher, physician, professor, and artist.

Not only was this stud a genius, he also had mad skills when it came to shit like painting.

Please admire the following image and note that he and I are practically the same person because I totally just painted some mushrooms to hang in my kitchen.

Talk about soul mates.

Rupert Brooke

 

(3 August 1887 – 23 April 1915)

English poet.

He was hot and then he died in Greece from an infected mosquito bite.

Lame.

But still hot.

Ivor Novello

 

(15 January 1893 – 6 March 1951)

Welsh composer, singer, and actor.

Can we just pause to imagine crying out the name "IVOR!!!" in bed.

It's all magic my friends.

I hope you enjoyed my short foray into the past.  For more reading on hot dead guys please refer to Bangable Dudes in History.  They are a much better read and will probably make you swoon with their pie charts...

The boys... don't know what to do with themselves.

Toronto is known for nightlife, 24 hour convenience stores and Pizza Pizza. These are all great places to meet boys depending on what time of day you are talking about, 2 to 4 am is prime time I tell you. However, I am apparently a shut in and this time of day is spent with cardboard, and] exacto knife and a glue gun (long story). This wasn't much of a big deal, until this cute boy I know decided to leave for a foreign country. Luckily, he left a pile of male friends in his wake for me to hang out with. Good hearty testosterone driven, basketball watching, candy eating, cider drinking men. Okay, well i never said they were particularly manly, but I am at a loss for male communication these days, as I go to school with 350 girls and 32 gay guys.

Crashing the man night has started to become one of my favorite things to do, it makes for very good male observation. This past weekend I blew caution to the wind and went out not one night, but two. Night number one consisted of one too drunken girl (me), four (maybe five?) men who can't really dance and a huge sausage fest at a bar for first year university students. The seven girls who were actually in this place were permanently attached to some goober's groin. It sounds bad, but I kind of enjoyed myself anyways. My band of sausages was terrible with the ladies. Not even one attempt, mind you, they didn't have very good chances.

Night two started in a basement with said basketball, candy and cider. I chose reese's peanut butter cups and went a little more hardcore with the rum. I had to get through at least two hours of basketball after all. These boys could have stayed down there all night, but i had trekked all the way uptown just to go back down town to go out. That and I wore a dress, so I had to make it worth it. I had really high hopes for my sausages this night, they started off well by making friends in the line. Apparently girls they went to university with, as hard as they tried these girls were more into telling stories about themselves then giving out their numbers. We get into the bar, nothing happens, it closes, we leave and low and behold, the most beautiful woman is standing outside by a newspaper stand. Obviously she was a gem, a diamond in the rough even (and i mean rough...). One of them goes to talk to her, and after a good 40 minutes, a lack of pen and some free ham and pineapple pizza, the boy got her phone number. mama was proud. I am going to teach these boys to pick up girls even if it kills me. The world needs more suave men. Girls should be wooed, not hit on. Actually, I don't mind being hit on, as long as I get a drink out of it.

the best part of my night came after my post-party burrito, when none of my sausages wanted to take me home, so I end up walking alone. Apparently I was asking to be picked up, as this man slows down his car beside me and offers me a ride. Of course I decline, because he has no candy. He must have followed me for at least half a block, until he finally asked me "I guess you like walking?" and i replied with "I just love taking pleasant walks." That got him to speed off in his champagne coloured impala.

BOYS BOYS BOYS

*BOYS*

Let us be honest. Boys are all we think about.

We can't get enough!
They make us happy! They drive us bonkers!

Ugh. So annoying.

So here it is, a blog dedicated to the boys of Winnipeg.

Those fuckers.