Second/Fourth Date

After my lovely night spent with my Italian Stallion I was kind of like a giddy school girl. How on earth could that have gone so well, especially after he was so late, it turned out, that when he turned up he turned up the heat.

That night we had made plans to see each other again on Friday, a good six days after out first meeting. However, monday night rolls around, he texts me saying he is downtown and if I would like to go for coffee. I am in my school's computer lab, which is hot and smells like a gym sock. I'd been at school all day after a late night and I looked like a soccer mom. No, I did not want to go for coffee. But really, I really really wanted to go for coffee. I also didn't want to be a jerk and turn him down. But I looked like crap. I hummed and hawed over this for a while. So after initially telling him that I needed to do work, I decided that we should in fact meet up. I go to the bathroom, make the most decent attempt at making myself look presentable and then waltz on over to the Starbucks where he was waiting for me.

He approached me, I was going to give him a hug, but something happened and I kissed him? I think "oh my god, I don't even know this guy, I show up and kiss him in public, it's like we are dating already, whatthefuckamidoing?" Awkward.

We have coffee. You know what coffee is like. You talk, you drink, you talk. The end.

I wasn't sure what to think. I mean, the conversation flowed, but what was it that was really going on between us? Was there something, or was I just really horny? He walked me home after we get kicked out of the coffee shop and he kisses me goodnight in front of my apartment building.

Two days go by and I don't hear from him.

Thursday rolls around and Stallion is at my school for a career fair. Thankfully I knew this was coming before hand and I dressed my age so that if we got to meet up I wouldn't look like I had popped out a few children. We go for drinks. And we talk.  Three hours pass. We finish up, he walks me home and he kisses me goodnight in front of my apartment. There is beginning to be a theme here I think.

Friday finally comes. I am so giddy. I know I am getting laid, because really, what guy would invest that much time in a girl unless they knew they were going to get something out of it (other than great conversation of course). Its raining, and its ruining my hair. It's cold, which is making my freshly shaved legs all prickly. Why is mother nature ruining this for me!? Nevertheless, he picks me up from work in his beamer, I don't kiss him when I get into the car. Car kisses are the most awkward things and I hate leaning over and I don't know what to do.

We go to a nice pub that has dark corners and lots of fire places. I am starving so I order muscles which I down in a millisecond. Super classy. We eat, we drink, we do shots, and obviously we talk. I accidentally tell him my entire dating history (even though I have a strict rule not to talk about exs). After a while I think he gets tired of talking and suggests we go to my place. We had already made plans to play truth or dare, so we start with that. At this age truth is way more interesting, so we do a lot of that, but really thats just a lot more talking. He asks me to dare him, and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything good! I am so lame. I could have gotten him to take off his shirt or something, but then if we kept on talking he is just sitting on my couch without a shirt on... Then I let him dare me; "I dare you to kiss me" he says.

I melted.

Yes, I am a 14 year old girl. Yes, I live in a really cheesy movie. Yes, you can be jealous of how amazing that is.

Obviously it's all fun from there. He asks me if I want to go to bed with him, I say yes, and he takes my hand and he leads me there.

Obviously it's super romantic with his pillowy lips and everything.

After the first time we do it he goes to the bathroom, I put on his white and blue striped dress shirt and wait for him to come back. Of course this aways gets them going. We laze around for a bit before he takes it off again. After the second time he claims that I can be his little side project while I am at school. I give him a questioning look, "yeah, what are you doing for the next two years?"

Melt x2.

The we dork it out and he shows me his AutoCAD app for his iPhone.

He stays into the early morning, but it's late and my father was coming on a 6am flight. This was going to be the last time I saw him for a good week and a bit until after thanksgiving. Bah, now all I can think of is how disgustingly cute he is and what I did to please the Internet Gods.

I want to fuck a bicycle courier.

I have decided I want to have sex with a bicycle courier.


I have always had a thing for men on bikes. I can't even come up with reasons why. Why wouldn't I think a man on a bike is hot? I mean, c'mon.

But bicycle couriers are different then other cyclists. If you have ever met one then you know how they are almost inhuman. The stamina is insane! Plus they yell out a lot at cars and people. They use bells or horns with aggression. They sport great tattoos and piercings. They sometimes have ironic facial hair or those silly hats with the short beak. They smell kind of musky because they have been exerting themselves all day. They have lots of keys that make an attractive jingle noise. They wear shirts they have cut the sleeves off of and shorts that they have also taken scissors to. And they are kind of wonky in the head from taking so many tumbles.

I know you can see the appeal.

I was really struck by this need to fulfill my bicycle courier sex fantasy while helping a gentleman I recognized as a courier while at work the other day. He was a giant and had ridiculous wavy blonde hair that was styled in a way that made him look like he had been electrocuted. He had a MASSIVE mouth that moved in a very animated fashion and big teeth, one of which was chipped. His clothes were ratty, his backpack was full of patches, and he made a lot of noise.

I could not stop guffawing at him and dropping shit all over the place because he kind of put me on edge.

He was shopping for a fountain pen and he chose some really ugly one with ying yangs and flames all over it. I told him he had horrible taste but managed to convince him to buy rose-scented ink for when he writes love letters.

This particular young man wasn't my ideal fantasy candidate because I think what I am really looking for is someone with more pirate-esque qualities. Maybe someone who looks like Eugene Hutz.


I may just be confusing fantasies at this point... Let's recap. I want to have sex with a crazy tattooed and pierced man who whips around on a bike while displaying pirate-like behaviors and looking like Eugene Hutz. I would also like for said man to drink lots of beer.

Spring Resolutions

Fuck New Years Resolutions.  So what if it's the beginning of a new year.  I am too busy working on my hangover, enjoying leftovers, continuing to drink to excess, and trying to stay warm because it is really fucking freezing out.  Until the month of March I am not interested in hauling ass to the gym, eating raw veggies because they have more nutrients, cutting back on my drinking (it's what keeps me warm), or improving my general demeaner.  It just isn't fucking happening.

I know that you're thinking:
1) What the fuck is this?  I don't give a fuck that you are a lazy drunk.
2) I thought this blog was about boys and sex!

I am going to ignore 1 and continue to believe that the shit I write is still totally life changing for anyone who reads.

And 2, this post is TOTALLY still about boys and sex!  I am trying to tell you how I don't have a whole lot of EITHER going on right now.

I have tried a few different solutions:

I continued to do the whole internet dating thing because it's easy to do while sitting at home in your sweatpants with a beer, and I somehow manage to convince people via the internet that I'm charming.  I've been lazy this time around though, as in I haven't been harassing that many guys because I just get bored and watch porn instead.  I did go on one "date" in January though.  The damn thing lasted 9 hours and ended with me walking home with some jizz on my skirt.  NOT to say it was a bad date but he was all  "We live so close! This is so convenient! Let's listen to records together all the time!"  and I was all  "I can dig it. Why don't I give you a blow job because I really appreciate the fact that you have the B-52's on vinyl."  And then nothing.  I was TOTALLY played.  AND I didn't even get laid.

Then I tried a super up-front approach.  This one required a shit load of vodka and resulted only in a very raw and sore throat for three days.  First my friends and I got really drunk.  Then we went out dancing at a local pub and for the entire evening I shouted "MUFFY'S HOOOONNNNN-GRAAAAAYYYY!!!" Mortal Kombat style at the top of my lungs.  Although I didn't get as many weird looks as one might expect, I also did not get any dick-in-my-vag action either.  I guess it's not that obvious that I've named my vagina Muffy.  I really should have been more explicit.  Next time.

I have also been making regular visits to both the organic market and the grocery store during high traffic hours.  People always talk about how they met each other while grocery shopping so I figured I would try this shit out.  I have yet to have any results and am considering starting to do things like holding honeydew melons up to my tits for closer examination in order to get more attention.  Either way, the man watching is good and at least I know there are some promising specimens out there.

One thing my roommates and I have discovered and put into practice a couple of times is fooseball.  At the local pub we will start a game of fooseball and men will generally walk up and join us.  We suck so far at luring these men back to our place, which is conveniently located around the corner, but at least these dudes with dish out pocket change and pay for the games.

Back to my intro of resolutions.  I'm not going to do anything drastic, like cut out drinking, but it is March now and it is starting to warm up so I am going to cut back on the time spent at home in sweat pants.  I am going to maybe throw some stretches into my routine!  Hell, I may even get a mother-fucking gym membership!

BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M NOT GOING TO DO:  I am not going to sit on my lazy ass and pine over boys.  I can't tell you how many evenings I spend having an internal debate with myself about which I would prefer: A dude to have sex with on the regular OR a boyfriend?

Who am I kidding, I will take what I can get!  Which is why I should stop thinking about it!  I have so many more awesome things to think about/do that won't put me into some self-pitying spiral and lead me to devour obscene amounts of ice cream.  I should spend more time thinking about how awesome I am, because I am pretty fucking awesome, and not in an after-school-special-learn-to-love-thyself kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-can-kick-your-fucking-ass-all-the-way-back-to-Gimli kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-can-make-shit-that-you-can't-even-dream-of kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-don't-need-that-dude-for-shit-because-I-know-I-am-awesome-at-giving-fucking-head kind of way!

In resolution, I am going to focus on being more upbeat about my sex life and work on being my own best lay.  I am also going to spend the next while imagining I am Tank Girl.

Please watch the following video for inspiration because Alexi of IMBOYCRAZY knows her shit.


ALEXI WASSER'S GUIDE TO A BETTER LIFE! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.