New Fall Lineup!

As of the beginning of last week I had (sort of) cut all ties with the summer men.

I was sitting on the beach wearing a sweater and a scarf because it was effing cold, basking in the sun, and trying to ignore the lustful glances the Filipino fishermen were giving me every time a breeze threatened to blow up my dress. It was the perfect day to reflect on my summer of glory and plan for the upcoming months. I made goal, I considered my fall wardrobe, and I contemplated what I wanted in terms of men.

I decided I am going to *try* to focus on male companionship and that I am going to try not to put out on the first date. I am going to try taking a more mature approach to dating. I realized that this might be challenging at first, but that once I am able to make good behavior a habit, it will eventually come naturally to me.

So, while still on the beach, I pulled out my iPhone and logged onto my dating websites. I browsed many profiles in search of my first fall date in my quest to be a mature dater.

I found the perfect one!

A guy who just moved to town and seemed interested in making the world a better place and he was a landscaper so I figured he would probably be fit and tanned! YUM!

We emailed, and then texted, and eventually agreed to meet on that Thursday for drinks.

The date was horrible. On of the worst I have been on. He was boring as all fuck. After 40 minutes I ran to the bathroom to check the time and then text all my gals to find out how long I had to stay in order to be polite. An hour apparently.

He seriously had nothing to say. I am pretty awesome at keeping up conversation, I've had enough damn practice at first dates. It got to the point where I was scrambling and asking shit like "Sooooo....what kind of music do you listen to?" He would then answer my questions but not really give me anything to work with and he wouldn't return the question.

He also said stupid shit about how when he left his old town he left behind a lot of bad karma, and it sounded like he got angry with everyone and just ditched. He also said he went on dates with a few women there but that they were all "trash" because they were single moms. Upon reflection I realize I really should have walked out at that point...

So after an hour he asks if I want another drink or if I want to get a bite to eat or whatever. I feign a headache because I really felt bad for this guy. He had nothing going for him and will probably be single for forever. We part ways politely, there was even a hug.

Later that evening I was online on one of the dating websites and he obviously noticed. I got this email from him:

"Something isn't right when a date gets called early and both people immediately log in to check their profile. Are people so dependent on social networks that they would rather chat online then be in person? I can't make sense of that at all."

I replied with:

"You have a point. I don't think we have much in common or much to talk about to be honest."

The next morning he sends:

"Good no need to fool ourselves. Nice meeting you and good luck."

At this point I feel relieved that I won't have to deal with any texts or phone calls from him telling him that I am not interested. I figure he handled it alright and figured it out and that it's all great.

I WAS WRONG.

A couple of hours after his last email I get this:

"Actually no I am going to flame. I talked for an entire hour. You said almost nothing except grill me the entire time. We are both boring people that mostly just work. We both spend a lot of time on the internet. We are both second picks. I don't know what you think you want but I categorize you in wanting impossible with the majority of women. 90% of women all want the same 10% of alpha men. Your not getting one. Date in your own league. Your incredibly boring. But I'm fine with boring because I know I'm regular Joe too. If we had more in common honestly the date would of lasted 5 minutes. I told a ton of stories you said jack shit."

I read this and laughed for probably an hour. Then I went to work and told everyone and laughed even harder!

There are so many stupid things going on there. But my favorite part is the "Date in your own league. You are incredibly boring." I want to get a t-shirt made.

I responded with Zaza's suggestion of:

"You're = you are
Your = possessive"

And then I blocked him because I am not interested in anything that dude has to say. Not worth my time.

I have two other dates this week!

One is with a super eager 38 year old. He is really self conscious about his age, even though I assured him I consider it a positive. I am curious to see how that goes.

The second date is with a man who flies hot air balloons for a living. I hope to one day fly in his balloon. I have also added "Have sex in a hot air balloon" to my Cum Bucket List.

Spring Resolutions

Fuck New Years Resolutions.  So what if it's the beginning of a new year.  I am too busy working on my hangover, enjoying leftovers, continuing to drink to excess, and trying to stay warm because it is really fucking freezing out.  Until the month of March I am not interested in hauling ass to the gym, eating raw veggies because they have more nutrients, cutting back on my drinking (it's what keeps me warm), or improving my general demeaner.  It just isn't fucking happening.

I know that you're thinking:
1) What the fuck is this?  I don't give a fuck that you are a lazy drunk.
2) I thought this blog was about boys and sex!

I am going to ignore 1 and continue to believe that the shit I write is still totally life changing for anyone who reads.

And 2, this post is TOTALLY still about boys and sex!  I am trying to tell you how I don't have a whole lot of EITHER going on right now.

I have tried a few different solutions:

I continued to do the whole internet dating thing because it's easy to do while sitting at home in your sweatpants with a beer, and I somehow manage to convince people via the internet that I'm charming.  I've been lazy this time around though, as in I haven't been harassing that many guys because I just get bored and watch porn instead.  I did go on one "date" in January though.  The damn thing lasted 9 hours and ended with me walking home with some jizz on my skirt.  NOT to say it was a bad date but he was all  "We live so close! This is so convenient! Let's listen to records together all the time!"  and I was all  "I can dig it. Why don't I give you a blow job because I really appreciate the fact that you have the B-52's on vinyl."  And then nothing.  I was TOTALLY played.  AND I didn't even get laid.

Then I tried a super up-front approach.  This one required a shit load of vodka and resulted only in a very raw and sore throat for three days.  First my friends and I got really drunk.  Then we went out dancing at a local pub and for the entire evening I shouted "MUFFY'S HOOOONNNNN-GRAAAAAYYYY!!!" Mortal Kombat style at the top of my lungs.  Although I didn't get as many weird looks as one might expect, I also did not get any dick-in-my-vag action either.  I guess it's not that obvious that I've named my vagina Muffy.  I really should have been more explicit.  Next time.

I have also been making regular visits to both the organic market and the grocery store during high traffic hours.  People always talk about how they met each other while grocery shopping so I figured I would try this shit out.  I have yet to have any results and am considering starting to do things like holding honeydew melons up to my tits for closer examination in order to get more attention.  Either way, the man watching is good and at least I know there are some promising specimens out there.

One thing my roommates and I have discovered and put into practice a couple of times is fooseball.  At the local pub we will start a game of fooseball and men will generally walk up and join us.  We suck so far at luring these men back to our place, which is conveniently located around the corner, but at least these dudes with dish out pocket change and pay for the games.

Back to my intro of resolutions.  I'm not going to do anything drastic, like cut out drinking, but it is March now and it is starting to warm up so I am going to cut back on the time spent at home in sweat pants.  I am going to maybe throw some stretches into my routine!  Hell, I may even get a mother-fucking gym membership!

BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M NOT GOING TO DO:  I am not going to sit on my lazy ass and pine over boys.  I can't tell you how many evenings I spend having an internal debate with myself about which I would prefer: A dude to have sex with on the regular OR a boyfriend?

Who am I kidding, I will take what I can get!  Which is why I should stop thinking about it!  I have so many more awesome things to think about/do that won't put me into some self-pitying spiral and lead me to devour obscene amounts of ice cream.  I should spend more time thinking about how awesome I am, because I am pretty fucking awesome, and not in an after-school-special-learn-to-love-thyself kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-can-kick-your-fucking-ass-all-the-way-back-to-Gimli kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-can-make-shit-that-you-can't-even-dream-of kind of way!  I am awesome in an I-don't-need-that-dude-for-shit-because-I-know-I-am-awesome-at-giving-fucking-head kind of way!

In resolution, I am going to focus on being more upbeat about my sex life and work on being my own best lay.  I am also going to spend the next while imagining I am Tank Girl.

Please watch the following video for inspiration because Alexi of IMBOYCRAZY knows her shit.


ALEXI WASSER'S GUIDE TO A BETTER LIFE! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.