The following is an excerpt from a text conversation I had earlier with a guy I was seeing for a few weeks. The back story: he's great on paper -- smart, funny, has a great job, owns a car. In practice however, he's rather timid, somewhat shy, and incredibly awkward, which I found endearing... until I didn't. He has a big dick, he lasts a long time, and he knows how to use it and his fingers, but not once in the handful of times we had sex did he so much as attempt to take his mouth anywhere below my chest. He also nearly cried when there was a little blood on the condom once. Definitely wasn't going to work.
Last night he started asking me for dating/girl advice, as when I broke it off with him I told him "I think that you're perfect for someone, it's just not me," and as all nice guys do, he wanted to stay friends. He's tried a bit of online dating that's led to nothing, and he doesn't really know how to approach women IRL, but he says that with his new great job, he's finding himself wanting to settle down more and more, (keep in mind, still lives with his parents. Settle in the basement? I don't know.) He's also decided that he wants to date older women. Right.
I gave him some tips, and then went to meet my friend for a few drinks. He texted me more while out, and eventually I felt that this was the appropriate response:
Me: Alright, I'm going to give you the best advice you'll ever get: IF you are going to try dating older women you're going to need to get over your fear of blood, and you're going to need to start going down on them - and I mean that honestly for your own advancement, and in no way as an insult.
Me: Not necessarily at the same time.
Him: I had 2 gut-wrenching experiences in that department, so I'm not sure
Me: In which department?
Him: Going down...
Me: So? You think your spunk tastes like jolly ranchers or something?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well, it doesn't.
Him: Okay
Me: It separates the men from the boys. And women want men. Otherwise you may as well stick to dating teenagers.
Showing posts with label ex boyfriends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ex boyfriends. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Breaking Up, Starting Over, and Fishing.
Hello internet!
A lot has happened since my last post, whenever that was. The aforementioned long distance lover and I called it quits and I experienced my first real, gut-wrenching, sit-in-bed-sobbing heart break. I cancelled the flights I had booked out to see him (and even worse, I didn't get to see Houston!) and I sat and thought about what in the world I was going to do next, and about how stupid I felt. It sucked.
For all of a week.
My quick and much-needed rebound came in the form of a crazy ex-lover in from Vancouver to visit family for the week. The timing was perfect. I inboxed him with my current phone number, and he met me (and Zaza, Muffy, etc) for wine - we shared a litre, I put my hand on his thigh, he said "Yep." and that was that. He spent the remaining nights of his trip at my place, and I noticed that he'd picked up some... interesting sexual habits in the 5 years since we'd last been together, although that is another story entirely. He went back to Vancouver a few days later, and that was perfect too because truth be told, I was already sick of him.
Following my little rendezvous with Mission: NSA ex-sex I felt renewed - a new woman entirely. I bought a new skincare routine, I got my hair did, I felt fantastic. My roommate and I were both single at the same time for the first time in the 3 years that we've known each other. Life was going to be good - and it was. She and I, along with Zaza had decided to become really "fun" and start going to popular clubs in the City instead of our usual hipster dive hang-outs; attention-grabbing tight dresses, heels, the whole shebang. It felt amazing.
Now, the only issue with it is that I went through a bit of a dry period. When I say a bit, I mean 2 months now. That's a long time for me. I realized that it had been an awful drought last weekend, when I (drunkenly) gave my number to an exchange student who just wouldn't leave me alone at the bar last Friday. Sunday evening, looking back on Muffy's luck with online man-hunting, I started a POF.com account with the following profile:
"Headline: Acqua di Gio Need Not Apply.
About me: I like fine wines, partying, and stomping on egos. I love Nicolas Cage movies, and I hate people that are too pretentious to admit that they watch them. Goal in life: professional sword swallower.
If you want a serious reply, please message me with the name of the last cologne you purchased.
...JK! I don't like any of those things, and I really don't aspire to be a professional sword swallower - amateur at best. Well, alright, I do like fine wines, Face//Off IS a pinnacle of cinema, and clearly I think I'm funny. I'm pretty low-key, but I take care of myself, I dress well, and I like to get dolled up. I am kind of a jerk, but only in the most charming sense, I assure you. Actual interests include old movies, contemporary art, fragrances, and the Oxford comma.
First Date: Ideally it wouldn't end with either of us slapping each other in the face and then storming off.
...Or maybe it would?"
Not expecting anything to actually come of this, I was (hilariously) in awe when literally within minutes I had received 10 different responses. Were any of them worthwhile? Not terribly. By the next day, however, I had received nearly 500 views (POF.com emailed me to tell me this) and had received 100+ responses, some who got the joke, and some who really didn't. To my dismay, not one person made a comment about sword swallowing - I really thought that would be the winner.
So far, the best stupid responses I've received are the following:
The extremely romantic:
And of course, the classic:
Essentially, it was a bleak and terrifying wasteland of bizarre people I never saw on the street.
However, Monday night, after sharing a few litres of Sangria with Muffy and Zaza, I decided to sift through the masses and see if there was anyone worth contacting myself. After I sent a message making fun of a guy with a cat on his shoulder for pandering to the reddit crowd and naming his dog after an Arcade Fire song, and a few witty back and forths, he asked if we could move to facebook, I thought that sounded harmless enough, so I added him and we spent an hour chatting. He then asked if I'd be interested in getting coffee, I said sure, and we ended up settling on 7pm the next night.
Tuesday night we met up at a popular local coffee bar, he ended up being more attractive than I thought he was going to be and he had a firm handshake - a good start. We talked and finished our coffee, he suggested a walk. We walked for a few blocks, he suggested food. We grabbed a couple of beers and shared a poutine at one of my haunts and watched the hockey game. We hadn't yet run out of things to talk about. He suggested another walk. We walked a few blocks, he swiftly put his arm around me, saying "if you don't mind." I didn't. We neared the coffee shop we'd met at and he suggested tea. We had tea and talked until the barista kicked us out for closing time. He drove me home, we talked a bit more and asked me if there'd be a second date, to which I responded with a fist-bump. He thought that was hilarious and asked if he could kiss me, to which I said, "obviously." We made out a little in his car, and in an effort to be a classy lady (that's a lie, I hadn't shaved my legs and my bedroom was a mess,) I cut it off after 10 minutes and said "to be continued." as I exited the car.
Although it was a little bit the date version of The Never-Ending Story with less magical flying dog, I had a lot more fun than I could have ever expected I did on my first blind internet date. And, while I am completely and totally on my guard for something completely weird, he seems incredibly nice, intelligent and we have a great chemistry.
Starting over is difficult, but date #2 should be easy enough.
A lot has happened since my last post, whenever that was. The aforementioned long distance lover and I called it quits and I experienced my first real, gut-wrenching, sit-in-bed-sobbing heart break. I cancelled the flights I had booked out to see him (and even worse, I didn't get to see Houston!) and I sat and thought about what in the world I was going to do next, and about how stupid I felt. It sucked.
For all of a week.
My quick and much-needed rebound came in the form of a crazy ex-lover in from Vancouver to visit family for the week. The timing was perfect. I inboxed him with my current phone number, and he met me (and Zaza, Muffy, etc) for wine - we shared a litre, I put my hand on his thigh, he said "Yep." and that was that. He spent the remaining nights of his trip at my place, and I noticed that he'd picked up some... interesting sexual habits in the 5 years since we'd last been together, although that is another story entirely. He went back to Vancouver a few days later, and that was perfect too because truth be told, I was already sick of him.
Following my little rendezvous with Mission: NSA ex-sex I felt renewed - a new woman entirely. I bought a new skincare routine, I got my hair did, I felt fantastic. My roommate and I were both single at the same time for the first time in the 3 years that we've known each other. Life was going to be good - and it was. She and I, along with Zaza had decided to become really "fun" and start going to popular clubs in the City instead of our usual hipster dive hang-outs; attention-grabbing tight dresses, heels, the whole shebang. It felt amazing.
Now, the only issue with it is that I went through a bit of a dry period. When I say a bit, I mean 2 months now. That's a long time for me. I realized that it had been an awful drought last weekend, when I (drunkenly) gave my number to an exchange student who just wouldn't leave me alone at the bar last Friday. Sunday evening, looking back on Muffy's luck with online man-hunting, I started a POF.com account with the following profile:
"Headline: Acqua di Gio Need Not Apply.
About me: I like fine wines, partying, and stomping on egos. I love Nicolas Cage movies, and I hate people that are too pretentious to admit that they watch them. Goal in life: professional sword swallower.
If you want a serious reply, please message me with the name of the last cologne you purchased.
...JK! I don't like any of those things, and I really don't aspire to be a professional sword swallower - amateur at best. Well, alright, I do like fine wines, Face//Off IS a pinnacle of cinema, and clearly I think I'm funny. I'm pretty low-key, but I take care of myself, I dress well, and I like to get dolled up. I am kind of a jerk, but only in the most charming sense, I assure you. Actual interests include old movies, contemporary art, fragrances, and the Oxford comma.
First Date: Ideally it wouldn't end with either of us slapping each other in the face and then storming off.
...Or maybe it would?"
Not expecting anything to actually come of this, I was (hilariously) in awe when literally within minutes I had received 10 different responses. Were any of them worthwhile? Not terribly. By the next day, however, I had received nearly 500 views (POF.com emailed me to tell me this) and had received 100+ responses, some who got the joke, and some who really didn't. To my dismay, not one person made a comment about sword swallowing - I really thought that would be the winner.
So far, the best stupid responses I've received are the following:
"hahaha. I wont slap u on your face. u look good. hw was your weekend"
The extremely romantic:
"wow ur just damn cute :) Shakespare said" there is nothing more beautifull than moon" but I said u proved him wrong. so whats new going on in ur life"
And of course, the classic:
"Hi what's up?
We should fuck ?"
Essentially, it was a bleak and terrifying wasteland of bizarre people I never saw on the street.
However, Monday night, after sharing a few litres of Sangria with Muffy and Zaza, I decided to sift through the masses and see if there was anyone worth contacting myself. After I sent a message making fun of a guy with a cat on his shoulder for pandering to the reddit crowd and naming his dog after an Arcade Fire song, and a few witty back and forths, he asked if we could move to facebook, I thought that sounded harmless enough, so I added him and we spent an hour chatting. He then asked if I'd be interested in getting coffee, I said sure, and we ended up settling on 7pm the next night.
Tuesday night we met up at a popular local coffee bar, he ended up being more attractive than I thought he was going to be and he had a firm handshake - a good start. We talked and finished our coffee, he suggested a walk. We walked for a few blocks, he suggested food. We grabbed a couple of beers and shared a poutine at one of my haunts and watched the hockey game. We hadn't yet run out of things to talk about. He suggested another walk. We walked a few blocks, he swiftly put his arm around me, saying "if you don't mind." I didn't. We neared the coffee shop we'd met at and he suggested tea. We had tea and talked until the barista kicked us out for closing time. He drove me home, we talked a bit more and asked me if there'd be a second date, to which I responded with a fist-bump. He thought that was hilarious and asked if he could kiss me, to which I said, "obviously." We made out a little in his car, and in an effort to be a classy lady (that's a lie, I hadn't shaved my legs and my bedroom was a mess,) I cut it off after 10 minutes and said "to be continued." as I exited the car.
Although it was a little bit the date version of The Never-Ending Story with less magical flying dog, I had a lot more fun than I could have ever expected I did on my first blind internet date. And, while I am completely and totally on my guard for something completely weird, he seems incredibly nice, intelligent and we have a great chemistry.
Starting over is difficult, but date #2 should be easy enough.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
How to meet your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend and win.
*I must preface this with, I don't know if I would call my situation totally normal, but I feel like there is a lot to learn from it anyway. Also, he wasn't really my boyfriend, but that is a bit of another story.*
There are a few important steps you should consider before/whilst meeting your ex's new girlfriend. It's important to follow these steps, or it could be a recipe for disaster, which is fine, if thats what you want, but I am more of the passive aggressive type.
Number 1. Look at yourself in the mirror to remind yourself how pretty you are, and that what he idiot he is, because he lost out on your nice tits. Even if you don't have nice tits, I am sure you have some redeeming quality that made him want to date you in the first place.
Number 2. Stalk the shit out of her. This is especially great if you don't know her already. Find her facebook, look through all her unflattering pictures where she smiles and it gives her a double chin. Judge all of her physical attributes; she's 5'3"? no, actually she is a midget; she has a round face? more like she looks like a heifer. Just rag on her, and then invite your friends over so that they can rag on her too. Of course they will tell you how much prettier you are then her and that it looks like she has no personalty.
Number 3. Prepare. It is imperative that you look fucking amazing. She is not going to expect you to be well dressed, so you need to act all cool and not get over dressed, even though it took you three hours to find the perfect outfit. effortlesslyfuckingamazing. she can't compete with that. Since she is a midget, you need to wear your highest heels, because you have legs and she has tree stumps. You wear lipstick because she wears chapstick. When your ex sees you, his jaw is going to be on the floor and his other girl is going to notice.
Number 4. Be so nice. She can't hate you if you're nice. Be so interested, talk to her so much that she can't talk to her real boyfriend. Also, then you can find out things and use it against her. It's her birthday on the weekend? Plan it. And send her to the most amazing overly expensive restaurant that shows how much better taste you have.
Number 5. Let all of his friends whisper into your ear how much better you are then her. She'll probably hear. But it's not you being a bitch, even if you know it on the inside, she does too.
Number 6. Hug her goodbye. "It was so nice to meet you..." it's awkward, but you're in control and she has to abide by it, and fake smile, and say "yeah, you too..." Smile back big. Smile with you're eyes, like you mean it, or you're going to kill her in her sleep.
Number 7. Oh, and then you can make out with his best friend on your way home. Hey, if he gets to go home with his new lady friend then you should probably get some action too. No one likes a loser.
However, if these steps don't work for you, i fully endorse the girl fight. Just pull out her hair, it wasn't very nice anyway. Either way, you can walk away knowing that you're the better person, and that she is going to be asking a shit load of questions about you afterwards, it might even ruin their mood.
NOTE: You know it's no contest when she starts cutting her toe nails with the scissors on her pocket knife while everyone else is predrinking... no contest.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)