What Separates Men From Boys

The following is an excerpt from a text conversation I had earlier with a guy I was seeing for a few weeks. The back story: he's great on paper -- smart, funny, has a great job, owns a car. In practice however, he's rather timid, somewhat shy, and incredibly awkward, which I found endearing... until I didn't. He has a big dick, he lasts a long time, and he knows how to use it and his fingers, but not once in the handful of times we had sex did he so much as attempt to take his mouth anywhere below my chest. He also nearly cried when there was a little blood on the condom once. Definitely wasn't going to work.

Last night he started asking me for dating/girl advice, as when I broke it off with him I told him "I think that you're perfect for someone, it's just not me," and as all nice guys do, he wanted to stay friends. He's tried a bit of online dating that's led to nothing, and he doesn't really know how to approach women IRL, but he says that with his new great job, he's finding himself wanting to settle down more and more, (keep in mind, still lives with his parents. Settle in the basement? I don't know.) He's also decided that he wants to date older women. Right.

I gave him some tips, and then went to meet my friend for a few drinks. He texted me more while out, and eventually I felt that this was the appropriate response:

Me: Alright, I'm going to give you the best advice you'll ever get: IF you are going to try dating older women you're going to need to get over your fear of blood, and you're going to need to start going down on them - and I mean that honestly for your own advancement, and in no way as an insult.
Me: Not necessarily at the same time.
Him: I had 2 gut-wrenching experiences in that department, so I'm not sure
Me: In which department?
Him: Going down...
Me: So? You think your spunk tastes like jolly ranchers or something?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well, it doesn't.
Him: Okay
Me: It separates the men from the boys. And women want men. Otherwise you may as well stick to dating teenagers.

Dear Men

Please read this article.

It is about how to properly finger a lady.

Ignore the shitty choice of words such as "clitty". Never use that word.

Today I woke up feeling like I spent the last week riding a bicycle. As in, my vagina hurt.

I was with a gentleman whose idea of fingering is thrusting his fingers in and out with so much gusto that he was esentially punching my vagina.

I will email him this article.

Unfortunately there are a couple of other things I will also have to address:
1. When kissing me, don't try to see how far your tongue goes down my throat.
2. Please do not lick my asshole. Also, please keep your fingers out of there. It makes me feel like I have to poop.

The thing is, there are these cons. BUT I am not done with him yet. We haven't fucked yet this time around and I can still get some kicks out of him. He is the sweatpants of sex, afterall. Not much to look at, but comfortable. And he lives super close.

I would also like to point out that this is the 69th blog post.

Too Nice?

Yesterday I was faced with the dilemma of which guy to spend the day with: The Nice Guy OR the sketchy Drug Guy.

I made the decision pretty quickly and had the Drug Guy over for beers. It was innocent, unfortunately. We sat on my balcony and seriously just drank beer and chatted.

After yesterday's visit I realized that I am less attracted to him than I thought. This is not to say that I would turn down sleeping with him if the opportunity did arise, but I will be making little to no effort to get to that point. He is moving in across the back lane in a month, and we have made plans to drink together as well as other things, so who knows what could happen.

I spent today considering what drew me to Drug Guy instead of Nice Guy and I realized that the reason is so simple:

Drug Guy is confident, up for a good time, talkative, and proactive. He is weird, but I am drawn to him because he is outgoing.

Nice Guy is nervous and quiet and although he and I can have a conversation, I mostly have to keep the conversation going. He is quick to laugh, and he makes me laugh too, but he is kind of wimpy. He has also just gotten out of a marriage and it sounds like his wife walked all over him and to be honest, I could see myself being and asshole to him too. Not even on purpose, but because he would never call me out. He also has anxiety issues which prevent him from going out to bars etc.

I am NOT writing Nice Guy off...that would be stupid. But I am also kind of bored with him already. I am trying to think of something that will bring him out of his shell a bit more without freaking him out.

Nice Guy and I also have plans to build giant papier mache animal heads. It's nice that he is interested in making crafts and stuff.

I just need to wait until this massive zit clears up and my nose stops running.