Dear Mother

Working in retail is shit, pretty much as a rule.

Your feet hurt and probably stink from your cute shoes. People are bitchy and treat you like crap. You have to sell people garbage that no one really wants or needs. Your face gets sore from fake smiling for hours. The pay is shit. And there is no medical coverage.

Only one time of year is retail a little less miserable than usual, and that is around mother's day.

Hot men go shopping around mother's day.

Sure hot men shop for Christmas, but you never know who it is for and December is such a miserable month that no one is in a state to man hunt.

But May.

May is a month of opportunity! May is a month where life is blossoming and layers are being shed! May is a month of beer drinking outside and optimism! May is glorious!

Since mother's day happens to be in May, everyone who is shopping is in a fabulous mood and don't seem to mind if you test the boundaries of their personal space in order to closer investigate their relationship status.

This weekend my place of employment, which caters to middle aged women, will be filled to the brim with kind young men all looking for a little something for Mother Dearest. I, of course, am ready and rearing to offer amazing suggestions for gift ideas.

And then when the boys give the gifts to their mothers and the moms like the gifts the men will come back to me and thank me profusely for aiding their sick mothers back to health by helping them choose the perfect gifts that brightened her life and then the men will sweep me up in their arms and carry me away to a life free of retail hell and we will run into the sunset, hand in hand.