Spring time for Muffy

Hot Air Balloon guy and I are no longer.

It was long distance but things seemed to be okay. We visited each other and I felt confidant about the situation. Until I didn't anymore.

And I "had an affair" with a man I will call D&D.

I basically wrote the affair thing off as me just being bored and lonely, but quickly realized that the relationship with Hot Air Balloon guy was not working.

And then I really knew it had to end when he told me he loved me and I panicked. So it's over.

It didn't take long for me to reach out to D&D. I was unsure if he would be interested as I totally hurt his feelings before too because I'm some sort of monster. Thankfully he seemed keen on seeing me again and this past weekend he took me out for dinner and then came back to my place for the most amazing sex I've had maybe EVER.

Like, I came so hard I almost cried/died.

He spent the night and hung out with me until early afternoon the next day.

I'm hoping to see him again this weekend. He's sort of strange, but in a mostly good way.

To fart or not to fart...

So I've suddenly found myself in the midst of a long distance relationship.

How it happened, I have no idea. I guess I just kind of fell into it.

Y'all may remember Hot Air Balloon guy from last year... well that's who.

I have to say, it's been very trying as I am a massively physical person.

We have visited each other and as hard as it is to be apart, the sex when we finally see each other is AMAZING.

Now that we are growing more and more comfortable around each other he is happy to fart in front of me. This is great, whatever. I'm glad he feels comfortable and the farting doesn't bother me really.

What DOES bother me is that as chill as I am about his farting and as chill as I'm sure he would be I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO FART IN FRONT OF HIM. This drives me CRAZY.

I'll think I'm fine and that all is great and that there is no reason for me to be weird about it but when it comes down to doing it I panic and try to surpress it or I hide the sound of it and pretend it's not happening.

I just know that one day when I am surpressing it, it's going to be too loud and my pinched butt cheeks are going to turn it into some weird trumpet noise.

A Cold and Lonely Winter Ahead...

Since the summer my sex life/romantic situation has slowed down SIGNIFICANTLY.

All summer I rarely went a week without getting laid at least once, and now it's been over a month and as much as I want sex I don't feel that push to find it.

Maybe it's because there is snow on the ground and the idea of running around and going on dates seems like too much work. OR maybe it's because the person I really want to have sex with is not in the same city as me.

Hot Air Balloon guy was someone I tried to write off at the start. But now he is the guy I want to see. Just over a month ago he moved back home for the winter and I miss him terribly.

At least, I think I do.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how well we get along but I am also afraid that I am only wanting him because he isn't available to me.

What if I lose interest as soon as I see him again?

I guess that's something I won't know until he comes back.

Crashing the Balloon...

Not too long ago I went on a few dates with Hot Air Balloon Guy and things seemed to be going well and the sex was awesome and he was sweet and I liked him even though I had some reservations due to his looks. (He was not ugly, but he was hefty. I'm a curvy gal, but he was a BIG man, and as superficial as it sounds I did not find myself very physically attracted to him.)

After a nice night together he left for three weeks to work out of province. While he was gone we texted and skyped a bit and expressed interest in seeing each other again when he got back to town.

His first night back he picked me up and we went for dinner. As we were walking up to the restaurant we ran into some close friends of mine and I actually found myself embarrassed to be seen with him. This is obviously a bad sign.

After dinner we went to his place and had sex and it was nice and then I went home.

The following night he came to my place and after having a round of sex we were cuddling and chatting and then he got really quiet. I looked at him and I could tell he wanted to say something and I finally got him to speak. He sad "Can...can I call you my girlfriend?"

I was kind of taken back by this. We didn't really know each other and it was an awkward time for him to ask because his face was an inch from mine and we were all naked and pressed up against one another.

I kind of ducked giving a real answer and said "Only if you call me your guuurrrrrrrrlfriend." and I threw in a very ghetto head-bob thing for effect. He took this as "Yes! But of course!"

After a bit more sex and the greatest orgasm I've had in ages he said "There is nothing better than laying in bed after making love to your girlfriend."

.......

!!!!!!!!!!!!

I barfed internally. I. It was terrifying.

I do not "make love". I fuck.

Who makes love these days anyway?! It makes me think of the 80's for some reason....

And he kept kissing my forehead in this super sweet way and I was not feeling very okay with this.

He also approached the subject of changing our facebooks to "in a relationship" and I made a joke about how it should be "it's complicated" instead...it was awkward.

A couple of days later he came over again and we fucked (because that's what I do with my vagina) and it was still good sex and I just tried not to think about the other night with the love making crap.

The next morning he had to leave because during the winter he actually lives a 24 hour drive away from me. I knew this but it didn't really dawn on me until then that I had signed up for a long distance relationship.

What the hell is wrong with me? I am usually pretty good at speaking up and not getting stuck in uncomfortable shit like this!

So now it's been under a week of being his guurrrrlfriend and I need out because this is not what I want.

Also, there is someone else? Maybe....

Hot Air Balloon Guy left on Tuesday morning. On Wednesday evening I had a date with a 40 year old, Old Guy 2.0.

I had been emailing this guy for weeks. Probably since I had first been emailing with Hot Air Balloon Guy! Like, a seriously long time. And we finally decided to hang out.

He picked me up and when I got into his car the conversation flowed so easily. He is hilarious. And cute! And he ALWAYS opens the car door for me. He took me to his favorite Vietnamese restaurant and then we went to see a folk band. We were a bit early for the show so we sat in his car and hung out and chatted for a bit.

After the show he drove me home and made sure I got safely in my apartment before driving off.

The next day I had an email from him first thing in the morning saying that he had a blast and hoped I did too. A bit later in the afternoon he texted me and apologized for being creepy but wanted to know if I was free that evening because he had won tickets to see a band play that night.

I had a movie date that night with a gal pal and he was also going to see a movie with a friend so we arranged that I would text him when mine started and he would time it so that he would be at the theater I was at right when my movie ended to pick me up.

When my movie was done he was waiting in the lobby for me. It was cute! He said he thought it would be nice but then once he got there he realized it might come across as super creepy but I assured him it wasn't.

Three bands were playing and in between each we had lots of time to sit down and chat. I asked him about his romantic history and he told me he was divorced (which I find is a turn-on some how?) and that during the last five years of his marriage it was an open relationship and he had a serious girlfriend of three years during that period. He also told me about a few other girls but there didn't seem to be anyone too recently.

He asked about my history and I was vague but told him I dated fairly actively over the summer. This seemed to satisfy him and then we discussed beards at length.

The next day he asked if I was free to see a band with him tonight. Unfortunately I had plans but I'm sure I will see him in a couple of days.

I really do look forward to seeing him again but I need to deal with the Hot Air Balloon situation first before I get too deep with this new guy.

I am starting to realize that I may not be ready to be a one man kind of woman.

Muffy's tired!

I have had a very busy weekend. I am sore, exhausted, and content.

Friday night I was ready to have a calm evening at the pub listening to a local band and relaxing with friends. Cut to two hours later when I find myself on the roof of a massive, heritage apartment building, champagne bottle in hand and friends at my side, sitting on the ledge of the roof with my feet dangling over as I watch the bustle of the late night bar crowd.

It was obviously the start to a fun evening.

We did make it to the pub, but I was much more drunk than I had planned.

I hadn't really paid much attention to the men at the show. I was enjoying being in my own little world, dancing by myself. Then a friend of a friend struck up conversation with me. He was cute. Dark hair, good shoes, and an accent I couldn't peg. Turns out he was from Turkey. He was interesting and funny. We were interrupted by two other friends who wanted to introduce me to a man who wanted to be an electrician, something we share in common.

This guy was really cute. He had wild, curly, floppy hair, a goofy smile, and a prince t-shirt on. He and I chatted for a little while until the band's second set started.

During the set the Turkish guy kept trying to have a conversation with me but I was too busy dancing and checking out the Floppy Haired guy, who was returning my interested looks.

By the time the band was finished playing my friends had all left and I was standing between the Turkish guy and the Floppy Haired guy waiting to see what would happen next. The Turkish guy left to use the washroom and right away the Floppy guy and I turned to each other.

He asked me what I was doing next and I told him I had no plans. He asked if I wanted to go to his place and watch Dallas and listen to Prince. This was obviously an offer I could NOT turn down.

We passed the Turkish guy on the way out and I gave him a smile and a shrug. Maybe next time.

We never did watch Dallas, of course.

We went to his bedroom and went at it until his neighbor was banging on the wall. We relocated to the living room. He put on Prince and sang it to my vagina as he was eating me out.

We realized that the couch really did allow us the room we needed so we decided to go back to the bedroom, where I was officially crowned Queen Hoover, Master of Blowjobs.

He announced that I was going to call in sick to work the next day so we could spend the whole day fucking. Then we finally fell asleep at 6am.

We didn't sleep long. I had to get up to call into work and then we both downed some alka seltzer and got back to business.

Eventually I left in the early afternoon. He seemed disappointed that I wasn't going to spend the entire day in bed with him, but I had to get home to shower and get ready to see Hot Air Balloon guy that evening. He sent me on my way with breakfast to-go: a juice box of orange juice.

Hot Air Balloon picked me up at seven for dinner. After dinner we went for a short walk and then he decided he wanted to take me to his place, which is on the other side of the city. I actually had the next day off work, so I was up for anything.

When we got to his place we watched a few episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and laughed our asses off. I eventually got bored watching TV so I hopped on his lap and made things a little most interesting.

In no time I had my dress off and was leading him to his bedroom.

The last time we fucked it was sort of clumsy and he was nervous. This time he knew exactly what he was doing, and he did it very well. Extremely well. It was amazing. He knew when to be gentle and when to be a little rough. Holy crap. I feel bad for having so much doubt about him.

I spent the night, although we didn't really sleep.

Then this morning he dropped me off at home and left town for work. Will I see him again? I hope so.

As awesome as the weekend was, I am a wreck now. I am speckled in little bruises, every muscle aches, and my lips are swollen and tender. I literally cannot walk, do stairs, sit down, stand up, or bend over.

But it was totally fucking worth it.

Well...I did it.

As if there was any doubt that I would. I just cannot resist taking my clothes off for a man who is willing to fondle my vagina.

Today I had Hot Air Balloon Guy over for a movie and some wine.

Originally my plan for the evening was to wash my cum-stained bedding and while that was happening I was going to sit on my naked mattress, while probably naked myself, eating cheesecake and reading blogs. I lead an especially glamourous life.

But no. Some dude (Hot Air Balloon Guy, stay with me!) wanted to see me because he just found out that he is moving out of town to fly balloons elsewhere and he thinks I am super awesome.

Fine.

So I come home from work. I toss my tight black jeans, my musty pillow cases, and a cute top in the wash. I hop in the shower to wash the negligence out of my hair make sure my bits were in order. I swept and mopped the damn apartment. And then I pulled myself together and let him know he could come over.

We watched Whatever Works, which was fine, and cracked open my free bottle of wine (which I am kind of wishing I had saved for a night by myself). After the movie we made a little small talk until someone (can't remember who) grabbed the other and went in for a smooch.

Smooching turned to groping, turned to dry humping, turned to us retreating to my bedroom to get the pesky clothes out of the way.

Now. This is funny because I was talking to the gals before he came over and I told them I would probs not fuck this dude. But the THING is. When I am presented with a penis, I just get far too excited about seeing what it can do that I totally forget that I didn't want to go there.

I GO COCK CRAZY!

And my mind gets all jumbled and buggered up.

This guy was nervous. And as much as I love being dominated, I am also learning that I kind of love making guys nervous. It brings out this beast in me. I am practicing becoming more dominant myself so that I can expand my sexual horizions.

Today I was a little drowsy from the wine, so beyond gently telling him what I wanted ("bite there...harder") I remained calm and didn't get too excited.

One of my fears was that his dick would be too small. And it seemed small, but I am pretty sure that it was just because there was so much flesh. He is certaintly the biggest man I have ever fucked, and it was a hinderance, to be quite frank.

But he was a quick learner, and he developed a basic understanding of what I wanted.

I actually got the feeling that he may have never had sex before...but how can you ask someone that question?!

As sweet as the whole thing was, towards the end of it I had already resolved that I had no romantic feelings towards this man. I was getting less interested and he was quickly becoming more interested. This has happened to me before. It is so awkward because I am the type who will apparently take advantage of these men for sex and completely disregard their feelings. Take Guy #2 for example.

I will probably see Hot Air Balloon Guy one more time before he moves away. I am going to use the move as my out.

The New Fall Lineup: A Bad Idea?

In a recent post I went on about how I am ready to keep my pants on and my tits in my top for the first few dates with the new guys I have been interested in.

And now I am having doubts. In fact, thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. SUPER DUPER uncomfortable.

I am sitting here typing this and shaking and thinking about how I could use a stiff drink (or cock) to settle my nerves. Alas, I have none. Well, I am always sure to have JUST IN CASE numbers in my phone, BUT I am trying to break the habit.

Okay. So this week's dates.

I had arranged to have one with a 38 year old who was super nervous about the 14 year age difference. He was emailing me six times a day. I would email him something and his response would be four emails. Then he would email to check in an wish me an awesome day. Then he would email in the evening just for the sake of it.

It was excessive, annoying as fuck, and he couldn't spell for shit. I also got the feeling he was slow...and he sent me a picture and he looked kind of cross-eyed. (This makes me sound ridiculous...I am really all over the place in terms of physical attraction, Mr. T was a death metal disaster who wore denim vests covered in patches. I am going nowhere with this. Other than the fact that I have fucked weird looking guys.)

So I was getting a weird feeling about this 38 year old. I couldn't put my finger on it. All I knew was that I was not looking forward to this date. I was feeling icky about it.

The day of the date, I'm at work talking it out with my coworker and she convinced me to cancel it. And I realized I had to. I had a feeling he would kill me or something. So I emailed him, hoping he would get it in time, and then I blocked him. End of that dude.

The next day I had a date with a much more promising guy. Hot Air Balloon guy. This guy fucking flies hot air balloons for a living! It seemed pretty boss to me. He also seemed normal, and was able to communicate in proper english.

We decided to meet at a coffee shop by my place. I stroll in and spot him right away. He is a big guy. Over six feet, broad shoulders, and just generally SOLID (hefty?). I knew this going into it, and I'm ok with it (I think?) because I am a curvy gal. (But, like, big guy's dicks always seem so small....like, in relation to everything else.)

We both get tea and have a seat and the conversation is super easy. And I laugh my ass off. He is a big nerd. HUGE. But he let me make fun of him for it, which is important to me because that is my sense of humour and I always fuck up and hurt people's feelings by accident because they don't GET me. Right. So the talking was good. And he has a sweet face.

After talking for an hour and a half I suggest we go for a walk. We walked and talked about bugs and stuff and it was nice. At the end of the night I kind of took control of the situation because I could tell he was sort of nervous. I said I would like to see him again and he agreed. Then I made him give me a hug and I ended the night with out even taking off my cardigan. This was very grown up and responsible.

A couple of days ago was my second date with Hot Air Balloon guy. It was a decent five hours. He picked me up and we grabbed a coffee and chatted for a bit. Then we walked around an antique mall and some other shops. We then decided to go to the zoo. We spent a few hours at the zoo, wandering, making fun of animals, almost being eaten by a lion, and some flirting. His nerdiness was even more evident, but he was still good humoured about it when I poked fun. He identified all the planes that flew overhead, and there were lots because we were near the airport. Then he took me for sushi. Sushi is kind of an awkward date food. I get paranoid that guys are watching me eat the big pieces to gauge how much of their dick will fit in my mouth. He didn't seem to do this, which was nice.

After dinner he walked me home because the restaurant was right near my place. At the door we made plans to get together again this week to watch Indiana Jones because I've never seen it. As I was talking about how he can also teach me about Dungeons and Dragons he was slowly moving closer and kind of leaning on the gate. I could see the look in his eyes that told me that he wanted to kiss me but wasn't going to make a move because he was too polite. So I gave him and side hug and a super chaste kiss on the lips. The kind of kiss I would give my grandmother.

Okay. So I had a nice time. Right? Right! I did.

I am not trying to convince myself, I did honestly enjoy myself and his company. I am just at a loss. I have no idea if he will be able to satisfy my wants and it's making me want to call it all off.

What if he is a shit kisser?! Kissing is so important, even when it comes to hook-ups. If you can't make my groin feel a flutter of need when we are kissing, then it's not worth my time. And this super chaste kiss? I mean, I am obviously not going to be able to tell much from that, but I didn't really feel like pulling him in for some tongue either.

And what about his dick. What if it's no good? Then I will totally hurt his feelings because we will have gone on all these chaste dates and then when he takes his pants off I'm all "Um, you know what..no thanks. Changed my mind."

What if he doesn't do what I need him to do. What if he is afraid of hurting me. What if he doesn't bite like I like. What if he is no good with his hands?! I am already so certain that he is going to be a flop in the sack AND IT IS SO DISTRACTING. Is this unreasonable?! Why is it making me freak out like this?!

I realize that I am not tied to Hot Air Balloon. I could call him right now and say no thank you. But that would be stupid. As paranoid as I am about all this sex stuff, I am more paranoid that I will accidentally miss out on a good thing.

Anyways. That night after the date I was semi-panicked about how a nice guy actually likes me, which I realize is ridiculous. I cracked open and beer, happened to be listening to some sexy music, and I decided to see what Guy #2 was up to for the next day.

This was an asshole move because not only did I know I had a guy who likes me, but Guy #2 has issues of his own and was interested in me but I said no thanks and now I was going to use him for sex. I am such a champ.

Guy #2 and I arranged for him to come over in the evening the next day between work and a meeting. I think I was excited. I know I was drunk and horny...

Then the girls and I decided to go to the bar to see some bands. As I am standing there, kind of shimmying to the music, I notice an attractive giant come stand next to me. I recognized him immediately. This is the hot guy I see walking down the street in front of work everyday. He also slept with a friend of mine a few years ago. And he has an online dating profile through which I had contacted him a few weeks ago.

This was an opportunity.

I descreetly blotted any oil from my face, dealt with the beer/cigarette breath, adjusted my tits (he was much taller than me and would have a perfect view down my top), and prepared my opening line.

As the band was playing I noticed he had spotted me and so as soon as the band stopped we kind of started to talk to each other at the same time.

He is blonde, about 6'4, has stretched ears, and super hip dork glasses. I have had a crush on this guy for years. And now I was finally talking to him!

I tried to play it cool but I was kind of speechless and drunk. I had a hard time being witty and quick, and I kind of felt like I was floundering. He was kind of awkward too though, and when he said stupid things he would say something like "don't fuck this up, big guy!" under his breath. It was charming, trust me.

We also made an inside joke about how stupid the second band looked in their matching vests and he kept trying to convince me to go up to them an politely ask for one of my own.

Eventually the band started to play so we couldn't really talk anymore except a little between songs.

During the last song the guitarist lept off stage and grabbed me and put me between himself and his guitar and demanded I play. I am not a musician so I just kind plunked sadly on the damn thing while he actually played. I wish I had been more drunk at this point but unfortunately the beer had worn off.

It was now after 2am and I was tired, sober, and had to work the next morning. I know I could have gone home with Hot Nerd Guy, we even discussed how comfortable his bed would be to spend the next day in, but I was really just ready to sleep.

When I turned around to face him he was talking to a friend of his so I just squeezed his arm and said that I hoped we would run into each other again.

On the walk home I realized I should have slipped him my number. I am a dipshit. So I emailed him when I got home. Finger crossed!