WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO

I am horny as fuck. ALL the men in my bag are M.I.A.

I may kill myself.

This is horrible.

Drunken Encounters: Part 1 of *HOPEFULLY* Many

Last night I met a strange man on a street corner and suggested he ravish me on a dark boulevard.

I say strange because although he and I have been texting quite regularly, we had never met in person. Let's call the man of this encounter "Mr. T" as his name starts with a T and he is a big guy who is kind of intimidating looking due to the fact that he is the singer of some probably crappy hardcore band.

This encounter came about after a series of drunken text messages that started with me saying

"I'm shit faced. I'm in a cute dress. I'm close by. What are you going to do about it?"

And ended with my dress up to my waist and his hands on my ass.

I would rate this encounter PG. If your children had watched they probably wouldn't have been too disturbed by what they saw.

Also, I didn't notice at the time, but some mild facebook stalking revealed that he has a winnfield moustache(according to the chart below).


My goal is to have sex with him by the end of the week.

Prairie Firrrrre

Regina Guy first contacted me about a month and a half  ago. It is pretty common for out-of-town dudes to try to lure women to their hotel room (gross!). When he IM’d me and mentioned that he was just here for work, I rolled my eyes and waited for the inevitable. I was pleasantly surprised when he didn’t invite me over. I was more surprised when we had a totally nice conversation and he wasn’t inappropriate.

I mentioned that I would be in Regina towards the end of June for school. He sent me this email:

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Future You,

Text Regina Guy at (555)-444-2222 when you are in Regina at the end of June so that he will know whether POF time travel texting is possible and also so that you and him can potentially hang out and repopulate the Earth (assuming mankind has dwindled to the brink of extinction within the next 20-25 days).

He may not remember who you are, so you will have to remind him.

Do this or all shall be lost!!!!

- Regina Guy - (on May 30, 2011)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

When I arrived in Regina, I considered contacting him, but decided against it. I wanted to see what kind of men were in the class with me first (spoiler alert: there was a profound lack of men).

He emailed me a few hours later with a “Are you in Regina now?”. So much for “he may not remember who you are”, I thought!

We met a few days later near where I was staying. We planned to meet by the gym doors. I, of course, went to the wrong doors. I sat on a bench and waited impatiently for him to come around to where I was. There were long hallways on either side of me and I tried to not stare down them to avoid eye contact at an awkward distance.

He was attractive, average height, blonde, and dressed well (he came straight from work). We said hi, shook hands, and I nearly had a stroke when his first few words sounded super femme. It must have been a trick of the ear, because it didn’t happen again.

I am still really not sure what his job is, but I do remember that he said it involves a lot of schmoozing. A professional schmoozer!

We walked around the school twice, sliding on the slippery tiles with our shoes and  chatting comfortably with lots of smiles and laughter.

At one point he deposited a $10 cheque into a bank machine and made a big deal about it.

On the first lap, we journeyed past an area with lots of semi-private seating, and I thought I heard him say “this would be a really good spot to make out”, but I decided that surely he must not have said that. Another trick of the ear, I thought. False! From that point forward, he casually slipped the topic of kissing into the conversation. He was schmoozing me!

We walked past a very dark entryway that clearly led into a big dark empty theatre room. A perfect place to make out! He asked if I wanted to check it out, and I said no and veered us away.

“I think you’ll regret that you didn’t make out with me in that room,” he said, after we’d walked for a bit more. “You might be right,” I said, “but remember, I can travel through time, so I can always come back a week from now and make out with you then.” He asked me what would happen if I ran into myself during this time travel and I said that I would likely make out with her instead. He laughed and remarked “Pfft, I’ll just make out with you both!” He was clearly very proud of himself for coming up with that.

While still on the first lap, he nonchalantly proposed marriage to me. Something along the lines of “while you’re in Regina, we could get married”. I said I liked his sincerity and that I’d think about it. He said he’d like to know by Tuesday.

At the end of the first lap we sat near the glass-walled gym and experienced our first awkward silence, which he broke by commenting on the large exercise balls. I noted that there were a lot of blue ones. Some random girl sat near us, and we decided to go for a second lap.

We were standing in a hallway and could see the dark empty theatre in the distance. He suggested we walk towards it. I was non-committal to his kissing suggestions, but as we approached the dark entryway I made a decision: I was going to make out with this dude in the dark theatre

Because, WHY THE HELL NOT!?

We stood in the entry of the door, both knowing what was about to go down. He took a few steps into the theatre and it was immediately illuminated.

Thwarted by the enemy that is automatic lights, we exited out of a side door and found ourselves in a short hallway that lead back to the main part of the school. There were sharp gradients of light in the hallway and he stepped into a slightly dark area. I followed and said it was still too bright. He stepped into the darkest area. I followed and pressed my back to the wall.

He approached me slowly, patiently stepping closer.  He smelled really good, something subtle and manly. His lips pressed gently against mine as his hand slid into my cardigan and stroked my side. I was feeling flustered and hot – he was doing everything right. He stepped closer, pressing his body against mine deliberately, while continuing to slowly kiss and touch me. He dropped his newspapers. My knees shook.

It was awesome.

I remembered that we were in a hallway and that we could be caught at any second. I broke free and went for the door. He picked up his newspapers and followed. We were giggling like children.

Who was this guy!? He had just schmoozed me into a dark hallway, kissed me briefly (it was less than 3 minutes, I swear!), and I was feeling like a hot mess. My glasses were fogged up and I was tingling. Jesus.

He made Race Cars seem like such an amateur. It was a welcomed dose of perspective. 

We walked a bit more. He teased me about running away and mentioned that he had to get back to the parking meter. There was an underpass that we went through that had a dark hallway with vines hanging. PERFECT! We found a cozy corner near a door (that lead to an area he said looked like a biohazard), and kissed a little more. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He tried copping a feel and I swatted his hand with my water bottle.

I thought I heard someone approaching so I fled again. He made fun of me again.

We had an awkward goodbye and shook hands. We parted ways.

I was still in town for a few more days, and he tried convincing me to come over. I refused. There were several really good reasons not to see him, and when those reasons seemed like lame reasons, he was away.  

Since I have arrived back in Winnipeg, we have texted occasionally. I have outright refused to make any effort to visit him (I am poor and don’t have a car!).  A few weeks ago he told me that maybe he could visit and that he has a few days off in July. By some cruel twist of fate, I am busy whenever he’s available.

The notion that this dude wants to visit me is bizarre and frightening. Like, sure, he was an amazing kisser for 5 minutes once when we spent an hour together. Is that really enough to justify a trip? We don’t know each other at all!

I just got a text from him as I was writing this: “I’d like to see you again, just fyi”

Old Fogey!

In my last post I mentioned I was going on a date with a man 20 years my senior.

It happened last week and I was nervous as fuck because we had been texting loads. And sexting even more. He seemed really cool and I had already told him I had gotten myself off to the idea of him, which was true. So going into this we already knew a bit more about each other sexually.

The meeting went well. It was awkward at times, but not unbearable.

At the end he walked me home and outside of my gate it seemes like he was a little nervous trying to figure out how to say goodbye, which seemed funny because he came across a pretty cocky. He rambled on about scooters for a while until he ran out of things to say. Then he reached out and I thought he was going to shake my hand goodnight! Then he pulled me in for an awesome kiss, neck biting included.

I went to bed that night all flushed and lusting after this 43 year old man with slicked back grey and black rockabilly hair, cuffed jeans, and tattoos.

Then we texted constantly for the next week. Primarily sex themed conversations.

It was decided that last night was a good night to get together again. We had pretty much decided that sex was going to happen, and I was all for it because Graveyard Guy was such a loser in the sack and I was in need of a good lay.

Yesterday morning as I am getting ready for work at 8something am Old Guy texts me something that made me throw my hairbrush at the floor and curse him. This is out text conversation:

Old Guy: "Hey...I was going to have this conversation with you when I saw you tonight but maybe I should have it now... I just wanted to tell you a bit about my situation and my emotional availabitlity."

Me: (Thinking: "Ok. He is recently divorced and not ready for a relationship. This is fine. Sex if fine. Do I want a 40 something boyfriend? That would probably never have worked. Fuck, he is so hot.")

OG: "I am maintaining a polyamorous status. I am involved with someone but free to persue outside attraction but everyone needs to know what's going one. I though we should get it out in the open before I met you a second time. I think you're pretty and I would like to see you again but if you think this is too much for you I understand."

Me: This is the point where I kind of lose my shit. Looking back it was an overreaction (Thinking: "What the fuck....!!!!") I still don't say anything to him.

Then we go on and I am apprehensive because the definition of polyamorous is basically that you have two different relationships, and although there may be a primary person and a secondary person, they are generally pretty serious. Or that's what the internet told me.

So I am at work, freaking out. I didn't give him an answer as to whether or not I was going to meet him for coffee anymore because I didn't know if I wanted something this complex in my life. He made it sound intimidating.

It made me question myself: Who am I that last week I was getting strangled and this week I am considering entering a polyamorous relationship?!

I am vanilla!!! I barely even have sprinkles! When did I start taking an intrest in this stuff?!

Ok. So I decide to meet him for coffee and let him know that I probably won't be comfortable having sex with him at this point. I wanted to figure out what this poly stuff meant for me.

We met at a little cafe close-ish to his place and at first the conversation is kind of awkward. We talked about very un-sex related things. Then at an awkward pause I asked him what he expected from me. He didn't really expect anything, just whatever I was willing to offer.

He went on to explain why he was not in a monogamous relationship and it basically was him going on to tell me that he has slept with a lot of women and hopes to continue doing so. That his marriage fell apart because he drank too much and cheated. That the oldest woman he has been with was 32.

I also find out that in the 80s he dated my former co-worker who is now a 40-something spinster who lives with her sister and her cats. I realize I had heard about him many times because she was still hung up on him but hated his guts for being a womanizer. This is hilarious to me, but also kind of creepy. And maybe a little gross?

I quickly realize that this guy is an asshole. Big time. And anyone like this is not someone that I am interested in getting close too. I was so worried I was going to get attached but I see that it really won't be a problem.

I tell him about Graveyard Guy and how I could use a good roll in the hay.

When we get to his place he realizes there is no where safe to lock up my giant, super heavy, retro-style bike. He decides to carry it up six flights of stairs. I am impressed because the bike is super fucking heavy. I am even more impressed when he shows he can pinch my ass while carrying the bike.

We start making out. He is an awesome kisser and I appreciate the laying in bed and making out thing. Old Guy took things slow. Hand in underwear, not too invasive or urgent. Gentle.

Usually while making out and other things, I find my mind wanders to stupid things. That didn't happen with him. Everything was so good that I was into it the entire time!

Then we had sex three times. It was scream-loudly-so-the-neighbors-can-hear sex. Him on top, working magic and me practically tearing his sheets to shreds.

During the whole thing he had the nostalgia radio station playing and he even had Buddy Holly a sing-along. It was hilarious and terrible.

Also during each rest he was constantly admiring me and caressing me all over and telling me how awesome I look. It was really nice and a super great ego boost. Who doesn't want to hear that shit?!

Afterwards he of course had to carry my bike back down the six flights of stairs. I was looking forward to the bike ride home, but he was heading to the pub in my area and wanted me to walk with him. The conversation on the way home was meh. Since having realized I didn't like him much as a person, I wasn't interested in listening to him talk. Plus he was telling me ridiculous stories about the drugs he used to do and about how he smoked crack with a prostitue once. Why would I want to hear this?

All in all I feel like this is an awesome arrangement. I get amazing sex on the somewhat regular and I still get to date other guys. In fact, I am working on setting up two dates as I am typing this.

Cave Man Part I: Eggs

Since leaving school and my regular hook up to come back to my hometown for the summer I have gone on a couple little adventures that are worth noting. At first I feared that coming home would mean that I had the potential to go all summer without having sex. We all know how much of a travesty this would be to let a summer in the prime of my life go to waste. Determined to not let this happen I was excited when Zaza mentioned that I should hook up with a guy that I actually knew of when I got home, who I will now call Cave Man (for reasons you will find out about in Part III). Before I got my hopes up I made sure to run it by Jean-Jolie first, since she had hooked up with him in the past (ladies, always do this. don't cause shit, it's not worth it, unless it's for love, then run away and live together on your own), and after getting the a-okay I kind of got excited by this prospect.

Before coming home I insisted that someone organize a "thing" for me when I came back. I put Zaza in charge, who mentions it to a mutual friend, he suggests the party be at Zaza's steady hook-ups place. Oh, how convenient, did I mention that Zaza's hook up and Cave Man are roommates? Great. I must look amazing, and bring beer. We all know the way to a man's dick is through alcohol.

When I get there I am disappointed to see that Cave Man is not there, just his Sidekick, who doesn't even really acknowledge me. These guys are an awkward breed, they are not to great with social skills, or girls, or anything that doesn't involve working at a desk. So I just shrug it off, no big deal, I've only been here for a couple of days, and I refuse to take this as a sign of how my summer will go.

Eventually Cave Man walks through the door, he looks in at all the people in his kitchen and waves, I try to look sexy while giving a sly little wave back, when I realize that his roommate is standing right beside me and is also waving back. Great start...

We stand around, mingling, talking and nothing is really happening. The music is lame, the lights are bright and no one is really getting into it. The guys go into the bathroom and get high, save for Cave Man who looks sexy and bored. Finally he goes to the table and asks who brought the case of beer. I reply that I did and Cave Man says "this is your party, we should be giving you presents... how can we repay you?" totally not knowing what to say since this is pretty much the first contact we have had all night I stutter out "Any way..." while blushing. I know that every girl in the room just did an internal groan, because I am now "that girl."

We do some shots and leave for the bar. The group is divided, some go to the gay bar (i.e. me) and others go to a club (i.e. Cave Man). Fuck. How is this going to work now? I can't rub up him and pretend that my hand grazing his crotch is an accident. I text a mutual friend to ask for his number. I wait until the end of the night to text him, here is the run down of our conversation:

Houston: Where you at?

Cave man: Went back to my place, you coming?

Houston: Want to meet me half way?

Cave man: Sure, you at ___?

Houston: yeah, meet me on the south side of the street.

TADA! And that was it. Who knew that this could be so easy? Happily tipsy I bid adieu to my friends at the gay bar and meet up with him under the shade of night. We talk like we knew each other, and I convince him to give me a piggy back ride. It is one of my little tricks to make guys feel like they can assert their manliness as well as get close to them (note: this doesn't work if they are skinny little bitches who can't really lift anything, try to avoid embarrassing them if you have a feeling this won't work.

We get up to his place, he turns on the fire place, dims the lights and pours us drinks. We talk and finally he gives me the look that he is going to go for it. I stop mid sentence and climb on his lap. He lifts me into his bedroom, and I manage to kick a glass with my foot and spill all over the carpet.

We go and have sex. Then we have sex again. Then he kisses me on the cheek bone just beside my eye. I like this. It's late and I have to decide if I am going to stay or not. I do not feel like trying to get a cab at this time of night so staying is ideal if it's not going to be super awkward. I mention that I need to figure out how to get home and he invites me to stay. I ask if he has eggs on hand, he says he does and I tell him that I will make eggs in the morning. I take him letting me stay good sign, except then I spend the entire night awake rearranging the furniture in his room in my head all night.

At a certain point I can't handle it any more and get up and tell him I am making eggs. Reluctantly he gets up and follows, I make eggs, he makes smoothies and we sit on the couch and eat and talk.

Then we make out again, he asks if I can walk to the bedroom this time so avoid spilt milk shakes. He have sex again. This time it's pretty great. He commends how good my eggs are.

I need to get home eventually, so he offers to drive me home under the pretence that he is going to visit his family for sunday dinner. It is 9 am. I ask him if he needs to shower first, because I can wait. He showers, I clean up a little from the night before and the breakfast mess. Then I wait around at the dinning room table, and in walks his roommate, he doesn't see me, I say a cheerful good morning, slightly stunned he looks at me, and says "you made eggs."

Song of the Summer!

Oh I wish I had a sun tan. I wish I had a pizza and a bottle of wine.

Muffy was very, very hungry.

Usually when it comes to Graveyard Guy (GG from this point on) I really couldn't give a shit. He texts me all the time about wanting my pussy and asking if I'm horny and sending me crap like "Hugs!" "Cuddles!" "Smooches!". I get these texts and I am immediately turned off. If I had been wanting sex before getting one of these texts, the feeling would have faded upon reading it.

This is why I was surprised by my feelings towards him when I woke up yesterday morning. I woke up wanting cuddles and all that crap. And I wanted to see him because I knew that's where I could get it. I thought about it all day and it kind of made me feel upset with myself. I was also not excited about texting him because the last time I tried to booty call him he shot me down.*

SO last night I drank some wine and got nice and buzzed. Then I did it. I texted him. And he came over.

My big rule with him was ABSOLUTELY NOT ALLOWED IN MY APARTMENT. EVER. But rules are made to be broken. So we fucked and it was whatever. I realized he was a bit smaller than I first thought, but I still got off. He was pretty rough, which I kind of saw coming. There was A LOT of hair pulling, nipple biting, and choking. I had always been a little curious about the choking thing but thought it wasnlt for me....Now I realize it is for me.**

It all went down very loudly and very fast and then I kicked him out.

I got what I wanted. He got what he wanted. All parties left satified.

Would I do it again? A very good question. I felt like this time was finishing what did not get finished last time,*** and I would be comfortable leaving it at this. I had a coffee date with a gentleman 20 years my senior tonight, and more I see more on the horizon.

* (I think he was getting back at me for kind of stringing him along.)
** Communication is key to not dying while doing this. He is a big guy and he put a lot of his weigh down onto my throat so I had to get him to stop at one point. Also, I am really sore around my collar bone today.
*** I didn't get off last time.