Sexting!

I spent Valentine's Day evening googling sexting.  It wasn't an especially rewarding activity.  It left me feeling perhaps a little out of the loop.  I had never really put much thought into sexting until they discussed it as a hot topic on the View.  Apparently teens can be sentenced to time in prison for sexting.  I didn't really do much research on this aspect of the whole thing but I think it's legal in Canada.
Now, hearing how much Elizabeth Hasselcrack disapproved of sexting made me realize something:  I would be such a pro at it.  The key to sexting is to memorize all these secret codes so the cops/your parents don't catch your ass.  I am pretty good at memorizing codes, it was a skill I learned when I worked in a deli and every kind of sandwich meat had a code.

Here are some really important codes I need to get down in order to excel at sexting:
8 - Oral sex
143 - I love you
182 - I hate you
459 - I love you
1174 - Nude club
420 - Marijuana
ADR - Address
ASL - Age/Sex/Location
banana - male : genitalia
CD9 - Code 9 - it means parents are around
DUM - Do You Masturbate?
DUSL - Do You Scream Loud?
FB - (expletive) Buddy
FOL - Fond of Leather
GNOC - Get Naked On Cam
GYPO - Get Your Pants Off
GYR - Grease Your Rat (a Hillary original for male masturbation)
IAYM - I Am Your Master
IF/IB - In the Front -or- In the Back?
ILF/MD - I Love Female/Male Dominance
IMEZRU - I Am Easy, Are You?
IWSN - I Want Sex Now
J/O – Masturbate
KFY -or- K4Y - Kiss For You
kitty - Female : genitalia
KPC - Keeping Parents Clueless
LMIRL - Let's Meet In Real Life
MOOS - Member Of The Opposite Sex
MOSS - Member(s) Of The Same Sex
MorF - Male or Female
MOS - Mom Over Shoulder
NALOPKT - Not A Lot Of People Know That
NIFOC - Nude In Front Of The Computer
NMU - Not Much, You?
P911 - Parent Alert
PAL - Parents Are Listening
PAW - Parents Are Watching
PIR - Parent In Room
POS - Parent Over Shoulder -or- Piece Of (expletive)
PRON - Porn
RU/18 - Are You Over 18?
RUH - Are You Horny?
S2R - Send To Receive
SorG - Straight or Gay
TDTM - Talk Dirty To Me
WYCM - Will You Call Me?


I then decided to test and record the sexy words my phone's T9 is capable of.
My phone can T9 the following:
cock
anal
vagina
penetration
cum
sex
pussy

My phone Cannot manage these:
penis
boobs
tits
jizz
dick

I found it very frustrating that my phone does not include the male genetalia, but it is an obstacle I will eventually learn to overcome.  Some creative choices available to me are:
banana
peter
johnson
willy

Please note that the available options are mainly men's names.  I guess it was a silly experiment because the codes exsist for a reason.  Plus, with my luck I would accidently text my boss or my mom the sexy things.

Okay, but, say I wanted the dude to tell his weiner I say "hi".  There is no code for this, so I could say "Hey babe, tell your pal Peter I say yo!"  Totally inconspicuous!  That really isn't a very sexy sext.  I am going to have to practice...

What IS the proper word, anyway?

[Hillary]7:52pm
i can't decide what word to use for penis in my new blog post
dick was my first choice, but it sounds vulgar...
[Sam]7:52pm
dingle?
rooster?
woody??
[Hillary]7:52pm
both terrible suggestions.
[Sam]7:52pm
make that alllll 3
[Hillary]7:52pm
woody isn't the worst...
johnson?
peter?
[Sam]7:53pm
marvin.
member.
superman?
[Hillary]7:53pm
it will be used in the same sentence as "mom and dad"
[Sam] 7:54pm
bahahahaha
that makes no difference
you're still talking about a penis
[Hillary]7:56pm
i went for cock.
i added some humour at the end to soften it
[Sam]7:56pm
i can get behind that

Happy VD! The itch is from me...

 I'm up to my eyeballs in chocolate.  Too bad it's all from mom and dad and no one with a cock to rock me to sleep tonight.

I wish I was up to my eyeballs in balls.

Generally how I work...

From here.

Hot Dead Guys

As you may know, I have a thing for old guys and graveyards.  This post potentially has something to do with both of those things, which is why I am so excited about it.

Let's talk about hot dead guys!

Now, don't fret just yet.  I'm not talking about going all necrophiliac-y all over the place.  I am talking about guys in history who happened to be hot and now happen to be dead.  I am appreciating the hottness that existed when they did happen to be alive... Got it?  Good.  Moving on.

Sadakichi Hartmann

(November 8, 1867 - November 22, 1944)

Poet and a critic.

The dude went by the title King of the Bohemians.

Need I say more?  No.  Obviously.

Ernst Haeckel

(Hottie on the left)

(February 16, 1834 – August 9, 1919)

Biologist, naturalist, philosopher, physician, professor, and artist.

Not only was this stud a genius, he also had mad skills when it came to shit like painting.

Please admire the following image and note that he and I are practically the same person because I totally just painted some mushrooms to hang in my kitchen.

Talk about soul mates.

Rupert Brooke

 

(3 August 1887 – 23 April 1915)

English poet.

He was hot and then he died in Greece from an infected mosquito bite.

Lame.

But still hot.

Ivor Novello

 

(15 January 1893 – 6 March 1951)

Welsh composer, singer, and actor.

Can we just pause to imagine crying out the name "IVOR!!!" in bed.

It's all magic my friends.

I hope you enjoyed my short foray into the past.  For more reading on hot dead guys please refer to Bangable Dudes in History.  They are a much better read and will probably make you swoon with their pie charts...

The Boys Are... On the internet, you just might have to stop being so cute to find them.

Check out the Okcupid.com expose on Jezebel.

Statistical spoiler alert:

I am really, truely Boy Crazy

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