The Boys... Might Just Be Hanging in Your Past?

Remember that guy you used to work with, maybe 3 or 4 years ago? You know, the one who was on his way to being really attractive, had a winning wit and charm about him, and was maybe even smart? Yeah, the one who had just turned 18 at the time and still had the weird, bitchy high school girlfriend?


Not that Molly Ringwald was ever weird, and/or bitchy.

Yeah, that guy.

Well, I knew that guy, and at age 20 I hadn't really matured to the point at which I could accept dating a younger guy - and of course, definitely not one with the weird, bitchy high school girlfriend. A couple of years later, however, we've gotten back in touch thanks to a handy little internet tool I like to call "Facebook," and after a few weeks of exchanging posts and messages back and forth, we progressed to texting, and finally we had a nice little get-together of drinks at a local pub planned yesterday although I wasn't entirely sure whether or not it was officially "a date."


This is what internet flirting looks like.

Of course, in my current job I work with the general disgusting public and not so conveniently came down with an ugly plague-like flu on Thursday, meaning that I had to postpone. He expressed, to my glee, great disappointment and we are now not only going for drinks, but also to a local art gallery on Wednesday. This one is a date for sure. Win!


Enjoys being a GENTLEMAN. Get it? I'm hilarious.

Anyway, my point, ladies, is if you have been having trouble meeting appropriate suitors lately, think back to your crappy college job 3 years ago. Maybe there is one that you've already met. Granted, chances are that all the boys you worked with then probably still work there and have no real future, but maybe, just maybe, one of them moved out of town for a few years and got into post-modern literature, enjoys going to the theatre and being a gentleman. Maybe.

Man Repelling And The Case Of Us Not Getting Any Man Action

As I mentioned in November, two lady pals and myself have recently moved out of the homes and warm embraces of our parentals into our own humble abode.

Our place is located in the Osborne Village area of Winnipeg, which, if you are not familiar, is one of the heppest parts in town.  For serious.

We discovered shortly after our move that the neighborhood Safeway is overflowing with beautiful men around 6pm.  Obviously this means that popping in for some milk or fruit after work has become a common routine even when we don't really need groceries.  Once, when while bored one evening we even got super dressed up to go to Safeway.

We get looks, there is no question about that.  We may even get a couple of friendly smiles.  What we never get are takers.  At first we were all very much confused.  We are cute, clean, and well dressed girls.  See below:

(Ignore the men in these, they are of no consequence)

A couple of days ago K, one of the roomies and a fellow blogger, stumbled across a blog that opened our eyes:  The Man Repeller.

The Man Repeller is some chick in NY who talks about how things that give us "lady boners" are the same things that make men's junk go super limp.  This means that when the roomies and I are getting dressed to go out and ask each other how we look and we all think we look super amazing and hot we are really setting ourselves up to come home empty vaginaed.

I mean, I know it makes sense.  What guys would understand how awesome things like shoulder pads, turbans, fur hats, skull rings, epaulettes, coloured tights, and stewardess caps are?!  NOT MANY apparently!

So when we see hot guys out with their homely girlfriends and we are all like "WTF, she is so sad and boring looking!  We are so much hotter!"  we can now understand that the only reason he went for her, aside from her "winning personality", is because fashionable gals like us confuse the hell out of him and he is afraid to kiss us because he doesn't know how to do it without getting our feather collars stuck in his teeth.

The boys... don't know what to do with themselves.

Toronto is known for nightlife, 24 hour convenience stores and Pizza Pizza. These are all great places to meet boys depending on what time of day you are talking about, 2 to 4 am is prime time I tell you. However, I am apparently a shut in and this time of day is spent with cardboard, and] exacto knife and a glue gun (long story). This wasn't much of a big deal, until this cute boy I know decided to leave for a foreign country. Luckily, he left a pile of male friends in his wake for me to hang out with. Good hearty testosterone driven, basketball watching, candy eating, cider drinking men. Okay, well i never said they were particularly manly, but I am at a loss for male communication these days, as I go to school with 350 girls and 32 gay guys.

Crashing the man night has started to become one of my favorite things to do, it makes for very good male observation. This past weekend I blew caution to the wind and went out not one night, but two. Night number one consisted of one too drunken girl (me), four (maybe five?) men who can't really dance and a huge sausage fest at a bar for first year university students. The seven girls who were actually in this place were permanently attached to some goober's groin. It sounds bad, but I kind of enjoyed myself anyways. My band of sausages was terrible with the ladies. Not even one attempt, mind you, they didn't have very good chances.

Night two started in a basement with said basketball, candy and cider. I chose reese's peanut butter cups and went a little more hardcore with the rum. I had to get through at least two hours of basketball after all. These boys could have stayed down there all night, but i had trekked all the way uptown just to go back down town to go out. That and I wore a dress, so I had to make it worth it. I had really high hopes for my sausages this night, they started off well by making friends in the line. Apparently girls they went to university with, as hard as they tried these girls were more into telling stories about themselves then giving out their numbers. We get into the bar, nothing happens, it closes, we leave and low and behold, the most beautiful woman is standing outside by a newspaper stand. Obviously she was a gem, a diamond in the rough even (and i mean rough...). One of them goes to talk to her, and after a good 40 minutes, a lack of pen and some free ham and pineapple pizza, the boy got her phone number. mama was proud. I am going to teach these boys to pick up girls even if it kills me. The world needs more suave men. Girls should be wooed, not hit on. Actually, I don't mind being hit on, as long as I get a drink out of it.

the best part of my night came after my post-party burrito, when none of my sausages wanted to take me home, so I end up walking alone. Apparently I was asking to be picked up, as this man slows down his car beside me and offers me a ride. Of course I decline, because he has no candy. He must have followed me for at least half a block, until he finally asked me "I guess you like walking?" and i replied with "I just love taking pleasant walks." That got him to speed off in his champagne coloured impala.

Gone Fishin'

As I posted in the past, I decided to delve into online dating again.
I regularly get messages like this:

"I'am Joseph I really like your profile. I'am looking for a girlfriend .I read your profile and understand what you mean .I'am interested in you .late me know if we can click .Hope to hear from you soon"

"Er, hi. You seem fun and chill... do you have nice feet?" (This guy was actually pretty attractive)

"come over"

As tempting as some of these are, I am really not having much luck.

There was the one graphic designer I was messaging back and forth with and he suggested coffee and a walk but then he got busy with work crap and I stopped hearing from him.  Sad face.  He was hot and had nice broad shoulders.

Then there was the racecar driver last week.  Lots of messaging.  I got the feeling that he liked me more than I liked him.  (To be honest, I liked the attention and I need to get laid.  I have a bit of an agenda.)  He was nice and funny and he had a car.  We were going to go out on Friday night for cake.  We talked in the afternoon and he said he was excited.  We were supposed to meet at 8 but then at 6:45ish I get some crumby facebook message about how he has to help his parents pack their car for their weekend trip to that states and how he needs to pick up his sister's cat etc. etc. "I promise I'm not fibbing".  He said he wanted to reschedule.

I was miffed with the short notice.  I took the time to set my hair in curlers the morning off so my hair was soft and touchable!  I didn't respond to the message until the next morning and I told him to let me know when he wanted to hang out.

Now I haven't heard from him since.  Soooooo?

Whatever.  Obviously I am ticked that I am going to have to wait longer before getting any action.  That and I am feeling all  "He cancelled on ME?! Seriously, ME?!"

We shall see I guess.

I also recently moved out so I have this comfy sex den I need to use. 

Any takers?

The Boys Are... Waiting Tables at Chain Restaurants

GIRLS, the next time you are at a chain restaurant and your waiter is a completely adorable, (and better yet, named Miles,) charming young man who you spend a good amount of the evening eye-fucking, just go for it! When he brings you the bill, pay with credit, leave him a generous tip and write "So what's your number?" on the bottom of the receipt. Chances are, you will get a number and a smiley face on your copy.

And then everyone will think you are a hero.

NOTE: This is especially true if you are out to dinner with your 16 year old sister and your mother. That way it's more of a surprise.

A letter to the cute Australian UPS guy from this afternoon,

(Imagine this but 25 years later.
It's harder to find a picture of a cute UPS guy
than one might think.)


Thank you for laughing at my terribl(y unprofessional)e jokes about waiting for sacks of balls. I was so thrown off by how maddeningly attractive you were when I opened the receiving door that I could not think of anything sensible today. Please come back again soon so that I can further seduce you with my winning personality and charming sense of humour, because clearly you somehow enjoy it. And I think I'm in love with you.

Or maybe it's just your accent and your tawdry brown shorts.

Much love and balls,
The girl at a certain unnamed cosmetics retailer wearing really bright lipstick.

I found some of those guys!

I may have been drinking but this is relevent.

KAY
I found where some of those boys are: Live music shows!!! Duh, what did you think I was going to say? Porn video stores?! HAH! (I would totally look in those places for a man.)

BACK ON TRACK:

I went to see Arcade Fire and although most of the dudes around me were headbanging-jock-types, there were some guys I would go down on.  There was this one guy and I was all "HIM!FUCKYES!!!" but then as I was walking to get another beer I realized that his seat was on the upper deck thing and mine was on the floor and the only way I would be able to go down on him would be if his dick was, like, a block long.  I assume it wasn't that long because he was able to wear regular pants.

I also went to see Caribou and the male to female ratio was outstanding.  10 men for every woman or something, I imagine.  And I was all, I would totally do all of these guys except for that guy with the white cross-trainers because *gag*.  And then I would try to dance but would be distracted by the men all over the place.
 
SO I have resolved that live music is better then DJs for a manhunting opportunity because men are drawn to, like, the soundswaves of legit instruments, or something.

Also, internet dating is such a bust.  I am bored because no one worthy of my time has messaged me in a day or so.  I mean, today I got a note from some guy who is just looking for the perfect girl to eat out whenever he feels like it and I kind of feel like I should help him out and be a good person, or whatever.  But I need to find a good waxer first, to be honest.